Absent-mindedly, but with the sureness of familiar routine, Abner Clemo slowly strapped to his left thigh the well-worn, but sturdy, leather straps of his wooden leg before reaching down to pick up and similarly secure his right wooden leg to his other thigh. He always did it that way – left before right. He was a man who found great comfort in routine.
It was no easy thing for him to do. The same accident that took out his legs all those many years ago also left him with only a thumb and half a little finger on each hand – very difficult to tie your straps up like that! Anyhow, looking on the bright side, no one could call him “Wanker!”
Abner was the sort of man who believed in looking on the bright side. It never seemed to be where he was, so he kept looking for it elsewhere.
He looked up at the ceiling in his hut at what he called his ‘weather hole’. Whatever was happening outside was usually also happening inside thanks to the weather hole. It was so often streaming with rain that he had placed a bucket beneath it. Today the bucket was quiet, empty and dry – no rain – yet, at any rate.
Screwing up his good eye. he could just make out what appeared to be a clear blue sky. It was on just such a day, in his dreams, that Fiona Bruce (pictured left after her arrest for Saturday night drunken brawling) would ask him to marry her, so he now looked forward to the unfolding events of the day with an even greater relish than that usually afforded by his seemingly boundless optimism. Fiona’s picture had blown into his hut some years ago. It had caused him great excitement then and, ever since, had been a treasured possession.
He had long since got the hang of the bedsprings he had had attached to the end of his legs and, feeling the first stirrings of nature’s call, in three stout springy bounces, he had reached the stream in which he performed all acts of ablution.
For a man in his 95th year and with his complicated medical history, he was in astoundingly good form. With just the one eye up to something near scratch and deaf as a post, he still had an astonishingly good sense of smell, which was something of a curse in his case.
With an agility that belied his years, he emerged from the stream and bounded back towards the hut (pictured left), bellowing Fiona’s name at the release of each spring.
At the entrance to the hut, he stopped – naked and toothless – in total shock at the vision which awaited him inside…..
To be continued…
THE STORY OF ABNER CLEMO
WONDER DOG CAN TALK!!
Relubbus Central Veterinary Hospital has been thrilled by the achievements of its very latest "patient".
'Colenso' (pictured here on the left) is a representative of a very rare Cornish breed of dog, the Sancreed Sloucher, which is typified by very thin legs and a very large head. The Sloucher is believed to be the descendant of those ancient Celtic war hounds that so terrified the Roman legionaries.
However, in Colenso's case the characteristics are extremely strongly pronounced, giving him an enormous head (5 feet in diameter) and painfully thin legs, which are barely capable of supporting his head, which accounts for 8 of his 9 stone in weight.
In fact, it was his difficulty in keeping his head up that brought him into hospital in the first place. The problem was solved by putting his head in a cushioned and supportive little frame on wheels.
Doctor Horton Bolitho, director of the hospital, said "Little Colenso has won over all the nurses with his cute and winsome ways. Once you get over the imbalance between head and body, he begins to look very cute. Also, the fearsome characteristics which so worried the Romans have been bred out of the breed over the centuries.
However, the most miraculous thing that we have discovered about little Colenso is that he is capable of speech. His very large head has given him a voicebox capable of human-like speech and a significant brain, which has enabled him to understand human speech and to use it himself".
Astounded nurses came across Colenso reciting rhyming couplets to himself when he thought no one was listening.
After several weeks the Roundup was admitted to the hospital and allowed to interview Colenso, who spoke as follows:
"Actually I am quite pissed off about that bugger Bolitho saying that I have got a big head. I mean -- have you seen the size of his big bonce??!! Its a bit of a bleddy cheek! I insist that, if you print a picture of me, you also print a picture of that bighead Bolitho!!""
Never wishing to mislead or disappoint, we print here on the left a picture of Dr Bolitho, who, we do have to admit, does possess a head which is far larger than can be considered normal.
Indeed, he seems to be cranially super-charged, but, unlike Colenso, does not appear to be compensated by an unusually high intelligence.
Colenso, who has quickly learnt to read since entering hospital, has most recently taken to wearing a bow tie and has become a keen crossword solver, able to complete the Times crossword in under four minutes.
Now that he has got some sensible support for his head, Colenso is thinking of leaving hospital and getting a job. Rather fancying Fiona Bruce, Colenso would like to become her newscasting partner and believes that, as the world's only talking dog, he must have an excellent chance of success.
Before leaving for London to apply for a job alongside Fiona -- for whom he could woof all night long! -- he will be appearing "in conversation" at the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre next Monday and Tuesday evenings. Tickets are available from £95 each.
