YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT

The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.

This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire Roundup reporting and production team.  We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans.  This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.

Readers will know that it situated in The People's Republic of Hayle, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), pictured here on the left.

The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the Roundup crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.

We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be  forgotten  Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to 'thraw they bleddy keys away!"

However, we were not forgotten  by the good people of Relubbus. 

At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.

It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.

Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.

Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.

Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.

The Roundup remains, as ever , at your service!!

WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!!  HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!

Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to Jamie Oliver.

Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients  produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.

The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.

Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.

Sandra is now working on  a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.

Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.

This enigmatic boy, who went to school in Prospidnick and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.

In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!

"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!" he declared.

Told by his mother to 'shut yer big gob!" and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship Boswedden Lane R C Oates Superstore, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of 'Batten down yer 'atch' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.

Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.

Nigel describes himself as "th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!"

However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in  pasty production within just a matter of weeks.

Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture.  Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid.  

If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??

Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a Volunteer Chapel Assistant.

Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy  for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.

The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.

The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.

In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.

Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration.  However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.

The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:

There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.

There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.

The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.

The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.

If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.

For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:

• Put the hymns up
• Pump up the organ
• Arrange the flowers
• Polish the collection plate
• Take up the collection
• Act as sidesman
• Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)
• Wash and clean glasses
• Polish the Minister's shoes
• Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers
• Plan the Sunday School treat
• Manage the Sunday School treat
• Be the Sunday School Superintendent
• Take all the Sunday School classes
• Tend the chapel garden
• Mow the lawn
• Sweep the pavement
• Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)
• Take the occasional service
• Be the congregation
• Open up chapel
• Lock up chapel

If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.

TWINNING DISCOVERY THROWS LIGHT ON KERNOW'S ANCIENT PAST!!

Praze an Beeble may not, at first sight, strike many as being a place of ancient importance, but the Roundup can now exclusively reveal that it was once - 2,400 years ago - twinned with Peking in China.

Archaeologists, led by Professor Pender (pictured) have determined that stones - found down at the river Beeble - were, in fact part of an early laundry and takeaway complex operated by enterprising Chinamen in 400 BC, who formed part of a small colony, which was set up as part of the twinning agreement.

Some of the stones carry curious inscriptions in ancient Chinese, which bear testimony to this ancient twinning.

Academics from the Relubbus Almost-Free-But-Still-Charging-A-Bit-Like University have been working at the site for some weeks.

Included in the top academic team are  famed archaeologist Professor "Wiggy" Pender (62) and his 200 strong cohort of expert diggers.

Also there is acclaimed sinologist Professor "Chinky" Chynoweth (84) (pictured) together with his hand-picked team of China experts.

Together this incomparable duo have discovered a wealth of information drawn largely from the long-hidden and well-preserved inscriptions on the many stones that are a key part of the site. One of the stones bears a likeness of the person who is believed to have led this small Chinese colony.  Beneath the picture is inscribed the legend:

"Thissa picture show Jang Wong

He left China for Ding Dong!"

This discovery turns our understanding of ancient history on its head and gives rise to questions such as how trade and cultural links were established and maintained at such great distance at that time between Cornwall and China.

An old propeller-like device found in the river bed in the river Beeble has led some to speculate that air travel may have been discovered and used long ago, employing feverish slave power to turn the propeller of some devilishly clever early transport plane.

Taking just this one example of a mental leap into the dark, it is fair to say that speculation has been running riot since these discoveries have been made.

The speculation has even extended to the much more preposterous and wholly unlikely proposition - originally advanced by a Mr Gung Ho, owner of the Golden Rotus in Relubbus - that the Cornish pasty itself may have been a Chinese invention introduced to Cornwall as an early form of Chinese takeaway!

Not surprisingly, this suggestion has seriously ruffled feathers in many quarters and has even disturbed the normally excellent relations between the People's Republic of China (PRC) and its most important trading partner, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The GRUC Leader, Councillor Billy Spargo (117) was so angered by this slur on the Cornishness of the national dish that he even considered cutting off the generous foreign aid (estimated to be as much as £49.50 per week) which the GRUC currently grants to the PRC.

In a desperate attempt to cool things down, the PRC President, Mr Hu Jintao, has unearthed details of the remainder of the Cornish colony set up in China 2,400 years ago as part of the twinning agreement.

It seems that there was a small Cornish colony in Peking, which later moved out to the Chinese countryside near the China Clay works (a smaller version of what is found to this day near St Austell).  Surprisingly, the descendants of this colony still speak Cornish, although they seem to have 'gone native' in all other respects.

As proof of this, Mr Jintao has revealed a picture of the local council leader in so-called Kamm Bronn.  The gentleman's name is Jowan Trembath and he is shown here with his prized pet hunting eagle "Er Skwark" alongside his best friend Madern Angwin.

Intermarriage with local women has long ago led to some dilution of the Cornish cultural heritage and indeed appearance, but Jowan and the others in the colony have clung for dear life to two treasured institutions over the many centuries since their forefathers left Cornwall. 

One is the Cornish language and the other is the Cornish Pasty itself, which their tradition tells them that they brought out with them from their homeland.

So there you have it!  The Cornish Pasty is truly Cornish!!

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CHRISTMAS BARGAINS GALORE AT R C OATES SUPERSTORE!!

Have Jolly Japes and Wholesome Christmas Family Fun with the Wakfer Electrified Tightrope (patent pending) - available here at just £749.99!!! 

See how long you can stay on, whilst they turn up the voltage!  Cattle prods extra at just £35 each (NOT to be used on children younger than 3!)

From Tamsin Pentreath, the celebrated author of "Cooking for People without Teeth", get the long-awaited new book "53 ways of Cooking Badger" at just £195.  

Nance's 'Carved from Wood' products make the perfect and unusual Christmas gift.  New products joining the range this year include handcarved bicycle clips in yew and oak (£75), re-usable condoms fashioned from soft balsa wood (£15) and socks in hard wearing teak (£45 a pair) available in all sizes.

Discreet help for the adventurous - buy Rosewarne's Patented Hot Mustard and Sulphur Treatment for all ailments 'down below' (£60).

Finally, to fuel the festive fun,

Why not get a bottle of Polkinghorne's Homemade Green Whisky (£7.99 for 3 litres). 

It turns a kitten into a lion!!

SCILLIES - AMBITIOUS TUNNEL PLAN A SUCCESS!!

The tangled debates about the practicalities of the connections between the Scilly Isles and the Cornish mainland have been transformed by the shock announcement from local hero entrepreneur, R C Oates (98), that he is a digging a road tunnel to connect Relubbus directly to the Scilly Isle of St Agnes.

Oates is pictured here in full Cornish miner's kit, sporting a cigar obtained at a most reasonable price from Mr Scobie's fashionable Smoking Perquisites Emporium in Penzance.

The connection, which is already all but completed - having, for commercial reasons, been constructed in total secrecy - will provide a 6 lane motorway from Tregembo Hill in Greater Relubbus which will emerge at the Turks Head, Old Lane, on the teeming island of St Agnes.

Asked why he did not choose to route his connection to one of the bigger islands such as St Mary's, Tresco or St Martin's, Oates, the enigmatic mega-multibillionnaire recluse, who likes to be known simply as "RC", stated that, since his mother is called Agnes, there could be not other possible destination.

The tunnel - and road - is being built by forty stout and trusty Cornish hard rock miners shown here on the left.

Most unusually, the lads have started their tunnel at the mid-point and are working out from there to the two end points - Relubbus and St Agnes.

The more mentally agile of our readers will have immediately noticed that the tunnel has been commenced - well out to sea - under the seabed.

Mr Oates stated, "I dunnit on perpose so no one dknaw about un till I was goodun ready!"

The chief commissioning engineers, Billy and Tommy Thomas, speaking with the benefit of their fourth pints from their HQ in the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, stated, "Course we adda few problems like.Gettin they boys out there in the firss place and riggin up the ladder in they airtight barrels to git down the seabed wadden easy - 'specially as Mr Oates ave said we gotta do un on the quiet!"

However, human ingenuity has once more triumphed over natural obstacles and the tunnel - together with its full 6 lane motorway with a canal alongside capable of taking a ship the size of the Scillonian - will be completed at the weekend.

An inspiration to the miners has been their very own 'pasty maid', Morwenna Pengelly, runner-up in last year's Marazion version of Countdown.

Morwenna (26) from Prospidnick is a nearly-qualified former trainee bicycle repairer, who believes that pasties are not only a source of good nutritious food but also an effective and fetching addition to the wardrobe of any fashion-conscious Cornish maid.

Morwenna learnt crimping at her mother's knee and proudly states that the men especially like the pasties that have kept their warmth by being kept closest to her body.  She says excitedly, "I duh walk roun and they boys duh  pluck off they pasties jes to see wass underneath.  They're sum cheeky, they are , they boys!"

The boys couldn't be happier.  They eat pasties for breakfast, croust, dinner, tea and supper and also eat an additional one as a snack, if they feel a bit peckish.  However, five or six pasties a day is nothing when you consider the work rate required to complete the tunnel, motorway and canal construction in just under three weeks.

The engineering feat (progress shown here on only day three!) is only achievable because of the high motivation generated by the huge rewards being offered by Mr Oates.  Each man receives £14 10s 9d per day, in addition to as many pasties as they can eat.  Furthermore, on completion, every man will receive a bonus payment of either a free brand new Reliant Robin Mk 2 SLX or a half price haircut plus manicure and pedicure at Shelley's of St Just.

Mr Oates is expecting to make a tidy sum from each car crossing on the toll motorway.  Journeys to the Scillies will cost 2s 6d per car, whilst the retun journey will cost £145.

The Scillonian - sailing along the canal - will have a much calmer journey than that often experienced on the surface of the sea.  Mr Oates is planning to make no charge for canal boat crossings in view of their reduced environmental impact.

The novel engineering project is likely to attract enormous interest from around the world, particularly at the weekend, when the men are expected to break through both at the Tregembo Hill and St Agnes ends of the tunnel.

Hotels from Land End right up as far as Truro are fully booked with TV and print journalists and with many thousands of the keen and curious members  of the public, who are waiting to see this new wonder of the world.

MOUNTAIN VIEW CALIFORNIA BEATS SALES TARGETS FOR THE ROUNDUP!!

The Relubbus Roundup is read by an eager public around the world.  Sales hot spots occur in places as varied as Vaduz in Liechtenstein, Punta Arenas in Tierra del Fuego, sunny Medvezhka in Russia and Warumungu in Australia.

However, nowhere achieves the astounding sales figures registered by our enthusiastic sales team in Mountain View, California.

The team, pictured left, consists of Bunty Wakfer (21), Tizzie Trembath (32), Bill Rosewarne (29), "Tubs" Blewett (28) and Daphne Angwin (27).

Together, they have managed to sell 45,000 copies of the Roundup in the last month alone, beating their target of 44,975 by an amazing 25!

The quintet of beauties has therefore won this month's sales prize of a 25%-off morning at Flambards, followed by a slap-up half-price meal at Highlane Fish and Chip shop in Hayle.
Well Done the Girls!!

ADVERTISEMENTS

Tamsin's Lenin Chocolates

Surprise your loved one this Christmas with Communist Chocolates!!

Lovingly crafted by Tamsin Behenna (56) of Boswergy and inspired by Vladimir Ilyich himself, these Lenin Chocolates are politically pure and can be eaten without reservation by Marxists, Leninists and even Trotskyites and Maoists.

They are also good for anyone - especially women - who might be on a diet, since they are the world's first chocolates that contain no chocolate and that are entirely fat-free.

Indeed, certified as calorie-free by the prestigious Prospidnick Institute, Tamsin's Lenin chocolates are made on the family dairy farm fresh every day and are sold in mini-buckets specially sealed to keep the freshness in.

Each mini-bucket contains 20 chocolates - or blobs - and, once the bucket has been opened, they must all be polished off quickly within, at most, 20 minutes, whilst making appropriate use of the peg and plastic glove provided.

A bucket of 20 chocolates  will cost as little as £50 for an eating experience your loved one will never forget!  Available at RC Oates Superstores and at all good shops.

Olive Opie - for dental hygiene the old-fashioned way!

Build-up of plaque is one of the arch-enemies of good dental health and there is a lot that you can do yourself to keep your teeth fresh and clean by, for example, regular brushing at least once or twice a year.

However, despite this rigorous attention, plaque can stiil build up and, before you know it, you could find yourself being measured up for a full set of balsa wood choppers!

But you needn't let it get this bad.  You simply have to make an appointment with Olive now and again and every trace of plaque will be removed from your teeth quickly and - almost - painlessly, using tried and tested old-fashioned methods.

Olive (pictured) uses only a carefully adapted wire brush and especially soft sandpaper to lift off the plaque without taking too much of the enamel off your teeth.  After the healing period, which normally takes no more than a few weeks, you will be able to flash your gleaming Hollywood-style white teeth at everybody!

Olive will come to perform her dental hygiene magic in the comfort of your own home or caravan.

Treatent costs just £150 per hour, plus VAT.  Call Sennen 567543.

What does your Pasty say about You?

Professor A J Tonkin (52) visiting lecturer at the Relubbus Institute of Psychology has just published a thrilling new book, which is set to take the whole of the Cornish world by storm.

"What does your Pasty say about You?", published by Curyak Press of Tolcarne, contains insights gained by Professor Tonkin over 5 years of concentrated research into pasty-making.

His central theory is that a person's character is revealed and can be easily read  in the type of pasty they make.

Do you crimp on the left?  Then you are 'normal'.  Do you crimp on the top?  Then you are either a dangerous pervert, who ought to be locked up, or from Devon, in which case you have no business making pasties at all.  Do you crimp on the right?  Then you are probably a candidate for gender re-assignment.

These observations are the easy ones, but there are many hundreds more conclusions that can be drawn from how you make a pasty, the type of fat used, the mix of fat and flour, the proportion of turnick to tatee, the amount of onion, the cut and amount of meat and so on.

Beyond that, there is another set of conclusions that can be drawn from how you actually eat a pasty.

This 600 page tome is worth every penny of the £98 cover price and goes on sale tomorrow in the book section of all WG Trevaskis stores.  Interested?  The hurry along to get your copy.  These books are expected to sell quicker than hot pasties!

PASTY DECLARED WORLD HERITAGE FOOD!!

Yann Vari Quigeur (45) is the President of the new UN Commission on Global Gastronomic Culture, which is based in Tregunc, Breizh (Brittany).

Today he has announced that the first food to be declared deserving of World Food Heritage Status is the Cornish Pasty.

The decision was quickly reached after a panel of judges - convened by the President and drawn from the length and breadth of Cornwall and Brittany - sampled  a variety of signature dishes from around the globe.

Given the stiff competition for the prize of being chosen for this signal honour, reaction to this news has been, predictably, varied.

Mr Madron Tregonning (39) of the Relubbus Food Institute has welcomed the news, but said that it came as absolutely no surprise to him that the pasty has come out on top.

As he says, "That Jenny Mary might avva bittova girly nayem, but ee an' is boys 'ave done sum proper job 'ere. I kintellee - people are celebratin' from up St Just way pas' Truru right up tu thu border!"


Meanwhile, the 400-strong Chinese delegation was apoplectic with suffused anger.

Their leader, Mr Lapsang Souchong, declared indignantly, "What mean he, sirry man? Chinee cook tip top and velly qwick too!

"We offer squashed duck foot in 2000 year old monkey brain sauce wiv Shanghai flied lice and we get no look-in!  Issa stitch up!!"

The French delegation, led by Gustave Rambert, departed swiftly, without public word, in a thick cloud of haughty disdain.

In passing, Rambert (shown here in a library photo from happier days) sniffed indignantly, "Ze 'ole worl' know zat ze French cuisine is ze best on ze planet.  Zese Breton cochons, zey 'ave insulté la France viz zis negation of our cuisine.  I am not EPPY!"

Michael Fish, a weatherman from a different age  - said, "I just don't get it. Here I am in 1976 when getting the weather right tomorrow is hard enough.  Now someone is asking me about the fairness of the outcome of a contest of international cuisine in 2010.

"I've heard of long term forecasts, but this is ridiculous.  I'm a meat and two veg man meself!"

The only encouraging words came from the German delegation, Heinz and Magda Pupshose,a young happily-married couple from Furzheim.

Magda said, "Ve know zat we eppsolutely  no chance had, as ve our Wurst presented.  Vun can even say, zat Chermany not a sausage had! Ve too like Kornvall and ze vunderful pasty!"

The Roundup has decided to celebrate this achievement of the pasty by commissioning a special poem on the subject by the renowned and much loved and celebrated Cornish poet, Mr O.P. Opie (29). 


Mr Opie obligingly produced this paean to the pasty from the top of his head (after first removing his cap):


The Pasty

I duh dearly luv a pasty, when the weather's wet and cold,
When the wind is up and angry, jes' like them days of old,
You come back 'ome, yer ears are red, yer trousers bleddy wet
Tha's when a good 'ot pasty is the best thing you can get!

Tha's not tuh say 'ot weather dudden suit a pasty too
I's jes' as good tuh munch'n down onna beach under sky so blue
Youkun 'ear they seagulls callin', youkun ear'n flyin' roun'
But you'll be finishin' that pasty - no point their touchin' down!

Wassa bess, then Cappen? Shop-bought or 'ome-made?
Well, if you gotta assk the question, you ent never seen a table laid -
With maither's 'ome-made pasties - they are glories on a plate!
Delight to see, delight to eat - the bess you ever ate!

If you git up to 'eaven and croust time come aroun'
There'll be sum proper manna when they 'and the pasties down.
They'll be smellin' lovely and crimped by proper Cornish angels too
They're sum full of Cornish goodness and a proper job fer you!!

ENTY MAY'S PROBLEM PAGE

Readers are invited to seek Enty May's benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body, and human relations in general.

Enty May has a background in long term psychiatric care. Several readers have asked to know more about Enty's background:

Enty May grew up in the White Hart pub in Mount Street, Penzance. Her sensitivity revealed itself early in the squeamishness she displayed at 8 years old when playing "bash the bullcod with a bleddy git stone" down at Larrigan rocks with the other boys.

Popular with the other children because of her ability to lay her hands on fags and drink, she sadly discovered at the age of 7 that this was the only reason for her popularity.

She then became something of a loner, having no friends at Primary School and gaining only the one friend, Denzil "Chalkie" Polkinghorne, later at "Skudjack" school.

It was at the age of 13 that she became "disorientated", and had to enter the Ponsanooth Home for the Badly Confused, her mother refusing to let "my little boy g' wup Bodmin". Weaned off the alcohol and the fags, she (though still living as a boy called Trevor) dimly realised that gender reassignment had to be a part of her future. Long years of introspection followed at the home and eventually she re-emerged into the world as a young woman of 25, where she assumed the name of May and began life as a traffic warden

Enty found that everything fell into place for her after surgery. The experiences of her earlier life and her fulfilling profession as a traffic warden (at Tremethick Cross) over the past 35 years have provided her with insights she is only too ready to share with others. Enty is well equipped to help others who are struggling with life's journey and to give them sound advice. For example:

Alice from Tregeseal writes:

"Dear Enty, I kent seem t' get my pasties crimped proper, they duh sometimes fall apart when in the oven. 'Elpmekennee?"

Enty responds: 'Es my cock, my sparrow -- a lot of people duh 'ave this problem. Easy way to do ov un is to use superglue -- lash un on both sides and ee'll stick proper.

Anonymous from Penalverne Estate, Penzance writes:

"Dear Enty, A friend of mine 'ave noticed that 'is willy 'ave become infected. Is still there, but bits 'ave fallen off. 'Elpunoutkenee?"

Enty responds: Es yo, my bird. I can' 'elp thinking that you duh see this friend when you duh look in the mirror! Never mind, my 'ansome, the answer's the same. Dip un in concentrated sulphuric acid for 5 minutes five times a day for five weeks. After that, one way or t'other, yer problem ul be gone!

Badger Benbow from Marazion writes:

"Dear Enty, I aren't gonna say that I aren't 'appy, but it do 'appen that I aren't as 'appy as I duh dearly like t' be. My wife lef' me las' week an' run off with the milkman an' I'll break 'is bleddy neck, if I duh see un again. I cum 'ome las' night from work and foun' my 'ouse 'ave fall down some bleddy mineshaft. What with one thing an' another, I've 'ad un up to 'ere. Where can I lay me 'ans on some o' they 'appy pills?"

Enty responds: Well, Cap'n, you 'ave bin in the wars, 'ebnee? Never mind, Viagree idn the enswer in this case. All you duh need is the love of a good woman an, guess what, yer luck is in! I aren't doin nuthin tonight and you can give me a call on Penzance 786542 and cum roun' fer a cup tay an a saffern bun. Awright, my bird? I'll be waitin for ee, my luvver!
ADVERTISEMENT

Wilton and Nicholls of the Terrace, Penzance

proudly reveal today our latest innovative aid -- on special offer to inmates of the Relubbus Home for the Confused -- the zimmerframe with Sat-Nav.

The picture shows Shiner Treglown trying out the Mark 1 model.

This astounding piece of kit is a boon for old folk, who may, for instance, go out for a bit of fresh air down to St. Erth and then become totally disorientated. Programmable by the carer, it issues voice instructions to the walker, helping them get back (to the) home. The option exists for the voice to get increasingly louder and to be accompanied by encouragements such as "You silly old bugger!", if no correct movements are detected. This brilliant device is normally on sale at £7,540 plus VAT.

However, it will be made available to residents of the Relubbus Home at the special price of only £7,535 plus VAT

Billy Spargo, Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), has informed us that the Council are going to hold a raffle for three of these frames, and that tickets costing £350 each will be on sale at Trevaskis Stores in the near future.

SITHNEY PASTY-CRIMPING TEAM WINS AGAIN!

Pictured below is the Sithney Pasty-crimping team, which beat all-comers -- including 14 separate teams from Relubbus -- to win the coveted Relubbus Open Crimping contest.

The proud team, pictured here before the contest at their training camp, are, from the left: Elspeth Lutey (23), Jennifer Curnow (31), Gladys Polwhele (29), Letitia Tregonning-Polkinghorne-Clemo (34 and team captain), "Windy" Bosavern (27), Agnes Baragwaneth (31) and Loveday Peninula (28).

The four day contest saw the 500 competitors crimp some 500,000 pasties -- all of which have found their way to the burgeoning Australian and Canadian markets.

Style and sheer skill saw the Sithney team storm home to success (for the fourth year running!) following an almost acrobatic display in the underwater handcuffed crimping heat, in which team captain (Letitia TPC) showed her worth by crimping 50 pasties underwater with her bare feet, whilst holding her breath for an unbelievable 6 minutes. Posthumously, she was awarded the competition medal for outstanding individual performance.

Elspeth Polwhele and Agnes Baragwaneth swept the field in the boxing glove crimping doubles. Hampered by wearing heavyweight gloves, they managed to crimp four pasties (sufficiently strongly to hold together despite being thrown the regulation 30 feet) in just under an hour, beating their nearest rivals from the Tuckingmill team (Ariminta Trenoweth (23) and Cordelia Uren (39) - two pasties) and the Troon team (Peggy Oppy (31) and Rosezina Cock (23) - 1 pasty).

Competition judges Amelia Beglehole (65), Kitty Trewelah (64), Livinia Caddy (45), and Harriet Hicks (132) all agreed that the standards were getting higher year on year. Miss Hicks, speaking with the aid of an electronic transmogrifier, which makes the voice inside the coffin easier to hear, stated "I ent never seen s' much smart crimping. They maids are sum clever!"

Miss Caddy, as well as a judge a champion herself (having come 17th in the 1987 Nancledra Lesbian Ladies Bowling Competition), declared that new and more demanding heats will be required in order to sort out the competition's future winners. Ideas currently being considered include: 1. Crimping in a methane-filled container; 2. Crimping using only firedogs; 3. Distance crimping, using mental powers alone, at a distance of 50 yards.

Willy Ladner and Benjy Friggens of Relubbus National Television (RNT -- or "Our Entie", as it is commonly known) confirmed that the competition would continue to be shown on television in Cornwall.