RELUBBUS ANNOUNCEMENTS

Transformation

Mr Antelope Telegraph (89) wishes it to be known that he will henceforth be known as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

Mr Telegraph, who was never married, thought it a dreadful shame that he had never acquired his “own little woman”. He therefore decided that he would undergo the necessary surgery to become a woman so that he could style himself as Mrs Agnes Telegraph.

After successful application of the RC Oates Home Surgery Kit, a cheery Mrs Agnes Telegraph (ex Mr Antelope Telegraph) declares “Well, at least it has cured my prostate problems!”

Seduction

Mr and Mrs Eric Quigley of Ponsandane are pleased to announce the seduction of their daughter, Alice (18) , by multi-billionnaire businessman and philanthropist, Mr W G Trevaskis (58) of Relubbus.

The seduction took pace at the Quigley family home and was filmed by a triumphant Mr Quigley who had “rigged up the front room with lots of cameras”.

Beside herself with joy, an excited Mrs Quigley said “She bin after ‘ee ever since she got a job up ‘is shop. We’re sum proud of our maid!”

Refutation

The Reverend Sigmund Portcullis (72) hereby issues an adamant refutation of tales recounted by the malicious and irresponsible to the effect that he had anything whatever to do with the ‘goings-on’ at the Penlee Park Gentlemen’s toilets at 7.30 pm last Tuesday evening.

He explains that he was merely out for a bracing stroll, when he was caught short, necessitating a visit to the toilets nearby. The fact that he shot off, when the police arrived, should not be interpreted as an indication of guilt. Furthermore, the fact that, in his hurry to leave, he had left his trousers behind was a natural consequence of his increasing forgetfulness.

Affirmation

PC Geoffrey ‘Ollis (29) (of Camborne) is pleased to announce to the public that he has just celebrated a civil partnership ceremony with Roger “Deirdre” Penscab (42). The Devon and Cornwall Police have - weeks ago - given up their anti-gay policies and practices and are delighted to have the opportunity of supporting Geoffrey and Roger (a car mechanic from Long Rock) in their marriage.

Geoffrey says “They’ve been ever so nice to we. Paid fer the photographer and they’re gunna give we a nice police ‘ouse to live in too. Sarge even cumeer and give me and Rog a kiss!”

So that’s a pink thumbs up to the Devon and Cornwall Police!

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

People seeking people

Renée Dunk (53) is a traffic warden from Marazion, but she is also a very special person, because she has recently won the fabulous £3.49 prize that goes with the title of Relubbus Equestrian Tennis Champion 2009. Can you spot the tennis racket in this photo?

Rene – as she prefers to be known – is the only person known to play tennis on horseback in the whole of Relubbus. She is wondering if there is a young man out there who would like to play with her? Reply to Roundup Box 1

Bernice, a wild girl (63) from Nancledra wants a strong man to tame her. “Will you be my Hercules?”

Although currently confined to home waiting for two hip replacements and one knee, she is still feisty and hungry for love.

Bernice likes going in on the bus to Penzance, but would love a romantic weekend for two in Relubbus "with the right man with all 'is bits workin'". Roundup Box 2

Hetty (aged somewhere between 21 and 74), lives in a bedsit in Morrab Road, Penzance. She has conquered deafness to become a viola soloist (in her own room).

She works in the Prom KWOP and is addicted to logic puzzles and nicotine. Likes body metal and is into controlled pain – for others.

Seeks young men who are willing to serve. Roundup Box 3

Neville (31) a farmhand from Botallack seeks a woman to share his varied interests. He has become something of an expert in cross-stitch and is the current West Penwith (West) gooseberry growing champion, having produced a whopper of 8 inches circumference, which he will be happy to show you.

He has a bicycle chain collection of 749 pieces from around the world and which contains one piece dating back to 1915. They need to be washed and greased every day. Neville is looking for the right lady to help him and, as he says, “Hey, and whilst our hands are greasy,…..” Roundup Box 4

Vladimir is a man with a problem. He has a charming wife and two children and leads a busy life as a Prime Minister running a large country in Eastern Europe, the name of which he would like to keep quiet. However, over the years, he has come to realise that he has been living a lie, as some of his publicity photos have revealed.

Increasingly, he wishes to show - and share - his feminine side – with an understanding male. After consulting (at great expense) a medium – Mrs Bathsheba Liddicoat (95) – whilst on incognito holiday in the People’s Republic of Hayle, he has come to realise that he desperately needs to occasionally leave the hustle and bustle of public life and cuddle up in West Cornwall with a ‘real man, who would take care of me”.

Vladimir would like to hear from a rugged accountant working anywhere the right side of Camborne (i.e. west of it), who lives alone, has a strong aroma, and who also likes to play knife games. Roundup Box 5

Goods and Services

Singer serenader(s) for that special occasion!! If it’s important, ‘say it with a song’, be it a 109^th birthday; making a marriage proposal; wanting to give Dad a good final send-off. We can provide the perfect mood music for any event . Choose any one or combination of Horace Melly (81 and baritone), Gladys Tink (79 and soprano) and Joseph Art (49 and castrato). £3.50 an hour for one voice, £6.50 for two and £8.50 for all three. A further £5 will secure performance in underwear and £10 for a completely nude show. (NB Wheelchair access is required for Mr Melly). St Buryan 402764

Exotic cheeses for Christmas. You can make cheese from any sort of milk and no one knows that better than Doris Daniel (87). She lovingly creates her unusual cheeses from rat, yak, dog, pig, skunk and her very own cat’s milk. All varieties available at just £75 per pound. But remember, it is special and you will never eat any thing like it again!! Goldsithney 57291

Yes, you can be gay at Christmas!! Full range of LBGT-themed wallpaper, serviettes, toilet paper and paper hats!! Available from the Bent Gnome at Crowlas. 673021

Beat the winter cold with solar-powered heated slippers – just £250 the pair from Tregears at Mousehole. Just leave them in the sun for a summer and they will keep your feet warm as toast for 15 minutes at least!! Mousehole 693722

Novel Calor gas room fragrancer. What is it? Well, a wooden frame supports a bowl into which the perfume of your choice is poured, then the calor gas is lit and you have a room fragrancer that will be the envy of your friends!! Only £97.99 from Polwhele and Polwhele of Porthgwarra 529134 (NB you must supply your own bowl, fragrance and calor gas.)

Avalaff Promotions offer the new funtime diversion for smokers at Christmas – Gelignite Surprise. The cigarette box looks like normal No.6, but one of the ciggies is a stick of gelignite – just look at their faces when that goes off!! Long Rock 672013

Remaindered Arthur Scargill Fairy Tale Cassette Tapes. Yes, pack of cassette tapes featuring Arthur Scargill reading all your favourite fairy tales, but with a Socialist twist - just 49 pence a set!!. Free Scargill Wig with every pack, so that you can look like your hero! From People’s Republic of Hayle Socialist Funshop on Hayle 543981

SMALL ADS AND LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS

SMALL ADS

Home-made breast milk pump, in polished walnut finish, adjustable to fit like a glove – mains powered, but works well off car battery when out and about. At just £79.99 this is a bargain for such workmanship. Box 4567

Four East German electric plugs – just 17 pence each!! Box 5821

Size 24 basque in plastique and leatherette with Leopard skin effect. Buy this for her and watch her become a wild cat!! Just £35. Box 5209

Breeding pair of fighting budgies (“Budge and Smudge”) from Pendeen. This pair has produced a long line of champions in the West Penwith Killer Budgie competition. Old age and ill health oblige owner to reluctantly part with these two – for bargain price of just £12,500. Box 6721

Consignment of 600 Rumanian toothbrushes made with real hedgehog prickles. This is a truly unusual and, in Cornwall, unique acquisition possibility. £10 the lot. Box 4598

Three gent’s trouser belts in brown leather to suit waist size 58”. Buckle gone on two of them so all three available at special reduced price of only £14.50. Box 6923

Mahogony spittoon – never been emptied - an adornment for any home. £7.50. Box 2397

Cigarette (and cigar) butts thrown away by the stars and the famous. Unique collection lovingly gathered over the years by avid collector (my uncle – now deceased). Collection includes exhibits from Churchill, the Queen, Adolf Hitler, Caesar Augustus, Marilyn Monroe, Chiang Kai Shek, Dave Allen, King Henry VII, William the Conqueror and Sooty. £23,000. Box 4571

Fifteenth Century Television set. Looks very old and an adornment and talking point for any home. £2,300. Box 4923

Ladies never be caught short again! Special ‘weak bladder’ ladies’ handbag. Home-made for my wife. Now she is sadly gone and some other lady with wetting problems can benefit. Willy P. Box 6109


LOCAL BUSINESS CLASSIFIEDS

Pendrewartha’s for swimming pool maintenance, cesspool emptying and septic tank clearance. Don’t worry, we do change the hoses according to the job we are doing!!!
Tel Nancledra 459873

PC problems? We can help you out. Fast and friendly service with no call out charge. Just call Nigel and Kevin at the Mousehole Nude PC surgery. £29 per hour. 15% discount for nudists. Tel Mousehole 567832.

Say Goodbye to Accounting headaches! Call Narcus Prig at Newlyn Abacus and SlideRule and “we’ll turn they losses into profits!” £400 per hour. Tel Newlyn 459285

Trendy Wendy the trouser specialist. “ I’ll take them in, let them down and patch them up!” My ‘While you wait’ service is famous throughout St Just, particularly with the over eighties. Now offering exclusive washing and pressing service whilst you are wearing the clothes!! Tel St Just 509345

Pssst! Can you smell ‘Old people’? If you have old people living with you, then relax, because they don’t need to smell. Just send them to ‘Clemo’s Caustic Washing’ and they’ll never smell bad again. Same process available for use in ‘final preparation’ at any good undertaker’s. Tel Tremethick Cross 927574

Does you wife talk too much? Is life just a nag, nag, nag? Just buy Qwenty Penhaligon’s Hypnosis kit for £25 and you can stop her talking – whenever you like. Just one of the bargains available at Hendra’s Home Improvements Tel Penzance 673412

Never buy a carpet again! Jimmy Jago ‘the Tarmac man' will tarmac the inside of your home. Standard large (11ft by 6ft) front room only £500. This is a one-off cost as you will never need buy a carpet again!! Using special ‘blast-on’ technique, I can also cover your walls and ceilings, so you need never paint again!! Tel Heamoor 582301

Ladies! Relax in the unusual comfort of wicker basket ware lingerie – made and fitted for you by master Wicker-Weaver Madron Trembath. Tel Nanjizel 678423

False teeth handcrafted for you from Balsa wood – be the envy of all your friends! Available in waxed, lacquered or ‘natural’ finish. From Andrewartha’s 'Ardware Tel Botallack 657234

RELUBBUS SINGLES - LOOKING FOR LOVE!

Ernie Penrose (29) is an ice-cream salesman from Newbridge. He says that one of the reasons that he hasn’t yet found love is the showbiz nature of his job, which makes all girls – of all ages - fall for him.

“I only have to park up the van and queues of people form up and there are always girls there. I jes’ kent choose between all they maids!” He is hoping that this quiet advert - away from the showbiz razzamatazz that goes with ice cream sales - will allow girls to see him as he really is.

“ I duh look jes’ like Richard Armitage and that should pull’em in”, he says.

Ernie can be reached on Newbridge 4721.

Avril Kernaverell (32) formerly Sister Tregavarah of the Nancledra branch of the Methodist Fundamentalists Nunnery Co-operative has left her closed order and is now working in Penzance as a parking attendant – with a twist.

The owners of offending cars are cursed and the bodywork is sprayed with strong sulphuric acid, whilst those properly parked are blessed with holy water from Madron well and the windscreens receive a very large gold star painted in indelible ink.

Avril has yet to develop many normal interests, but she is keen to meet any man, who would share her passion for Arthur Scargill’s socialist poetry, in particular his magnum opus, ‘Let us recount the 3,963 ways towards socialist realism’.

Avril can be reached on Nancledra 4526.

Tedney Prank (34) is a car mechanic from Goldsithney, who likes to describe himself as a ‘sporty kind of guy’. He has been out with a girl once before, one Kylie Penrose on 7th June 1991. Things didn’t work out well that evening.

However, Kylie dropped all proceedings and Tedney threw himself into sport.

After years of hard training, he is now the undisputed Penwith and Kerrier equestrian table tennis champion as well as being ranked sixth in the all-Cornwall toe-wrestling championship. Tedney collects sweet wrappers and ice lolly sticks and has some that date back to when he was just five, when he started his collection.

Tedney wants to found a Prank dynasty and he is now looking for a young lady (“though definitely NOT one called Kylie!”) with whom he can build his future

Tedney can be reached on Goldsithney 5922

Edna Poldavock (24) is an artist living at Gurnards Head. She is passionate about all forms of art and seeks “to push out the boundaries” and has enjoyed mixed success in so doing.

Her Sandung sculptures (fashioned from a mixture of dung and sand) were a brave, but forlorn, attempt to add the sense of smell to the more usual exploration of sight and texture in artistic appreciation. However, her solo nude dance interpretations of Tchaikovsky were an absolute sell-out.

She would not like to meet a young and artistically inclined man to help her explore the possibilities of artistic expression.

Edna can be contacted on Gurnards Head 3385.

Brenda Pollock (26) from Tregeseal is a lead stylist at the famed Shelley’s hair and Beauty in St Just.

Brenda is a ‘work hard play hard’ girl.

Her idols are Gene Pitney, Roy Orbison and Frankie Avalon and ideally she would like children from them all.

Her favourite TV programmes are Dr Finlay’s Casebook, The Morecambe and Wise Show and Secombe and Friends.

Brenda would love to meet a real man (“likes his beer and does his own roll-ups!”) with whom she can share a ‘Carry-on’ kind of life.

Brenda can be reached on Tregeseal 4593 (“but you’ll have to talk to my dad before you get me!”)

‘Billy’ does not give his age. He lives in a field, but can be very friendly if he is with the right sort of man.

He gets on well with most, but does not like it if people refer to him as a ‘goat’. Billy is interested in different types of grass and closely follows the weather. He absolutely HATES dogs.

He would like to explore his ‘inner self’ and would like to meet like-minded men. Billy is not on the ‘phone but can be found in Pedn Diag field at Tremethick.

ANNOUNCEMENT AND CLASSIFIEDS

ANNOUNCEMENT

Following refurbishment of the Pope’s Vatican apartments, his old toilet and seat (with Papal insignia) are available for sale to the public by auction at Polkinghorne’s in Boswedden Lane.

The sale will include 13 and a half rolls of UNUSED papal toilet paper. Reserve price of £7,500 will apply.

Classifieds

Breeder of 'elephant' giant dormice offers top quality manure from ‘his little boys’. Delivered by the ton. St Buryan 456723

14,500 remaindered copies of “Knocking on doors” by Hazel Blears. £5 for job lot. Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Jacqui Smith’s husband’s entire DVD film collection bundled together for just £25 (NOT FOR SALE TO MINORS!!) –includes the Peruvian classic “And afterwards, you can even eat the guinea pig!!” Wakfer’s of Newbridge 349123

Entire hardback print run of Gordon Brown’s “Loosen up and live a little” – all 10,000 signed by the author – available for just £3.75 the lot. Wakfer’s of New Bridge 349123

Genuine Cornish ‘Landshark’ motor car to be made available for private sale.

Features include lino floor and driver’s seat in black plastique, windable driver’s window provides air conditioning; rear seat toilet bucket with handle for easy removal ; stool for front passenger with ‘hold-on’ straps for added security; ‘Lid’ cover for boot with completely new piece of string to secure your transportables. Features the classic one stroke engine permitting speeds in excess of 13 mph!!! A true collector’s item and appropriately priced at £44,535. Morvah 567 892

Complete set of left-handed paint brushes 0nly £75 – would suit ginger-haired homosexual living in Tregeseal or, possibly, Newbridge. Paul 678 432

22 year old unpleasant rude little tart with weight control problem, now working at the Morvah pet shop, but can’t wait to get away from the owner, Mr Pubes. Desperate for new career path in either old people care or prostitution. Heamoor 982 345

Vintage (1950s) pram for sale at just £700. Has been completely refurbished and updated for security. Razor blades embedded all around the edges to discourage baby-snatchers. Electrified handles, so rubber gloves (extra at £16.50) are essential. Gurnards Head 456 795

Ladies' Bodice (size 34) in pink and black leatherette. Never been washed and with bitemarks skilfully concealed by invisible mending. Casual stains are a work of unconscious art. Ludgvan 563923

CLASSIFIEDS

RELUBBUS CORRESPONDENCE COURSES CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!

Lifestyle Guru, Athleton Telescope (41) of Gurnards Head (and formerly of Nancledra)


Offers you 5 life-changing correspondence courses:


1. How to make millions from the New York and Crowlas art markets!

2. DIY Home nuclear fusion kit for under £15 – free energy!

3. The triangle as a means of communicating with alien beings.

4. Home alchemy and how to change sea water into Rioja wine

5. DIY Cosmetic dentistry for under £5

Each course costs just £25 or get all 5 for just £160.

Cornish People – Stay in Cornwall for your holiday!

The 400 bed Kernewek Kemmyn Hotel (formerly ‘the George’) opens its doors to Cornish people only and operates a strictly ‘No English’ policy.

This means that no one can stay unless they can demonstrate Cornish ancestry on both sides for the last ten generations.

The ‘No English policy’ also applies to language – no English words can be used in the hotel or its grounds. For this reason, the Hotel is an ideal environment for anyone seeking an intensive Kernewek Kemmyn experience. Users of other orthographies are NOT permitted, being even less welcome than the English themselves.

This unique linguistic experience is available to you at just £140 per person per night!!

The 400 beds are arranged, in four rooms or dormitories, in sextuple-decker beds. There is an ensuite (in fact ‘in-room’) toilet in every room (please bring own toilet rolls!).

One of the dorms is for children, another for married men, another for their wives and a fourth for ‘others’

The ‘Full Cornish” breakfast consists of ogs pudden and ogs pudden. For an additional £4 per person, you can have the pudden cooked and accompanied by one fried egg and one rasher of bacon.

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

Women seeking Men

Normal woman, 31, currently working down Tesco’s on the biscuits and sweets, often mistaken for a young Helen Mirren, into ouija boards, mystic smoke and plastic gnomes WLTM interesting young solvent male who goes commando like me at work. 077652 8765

Free-spirited F, 72, 8 ft tall ex-librarian seeks male Anglican tango dancer of similar height and age in Madron. 077432 8761

Lizzie, 5 times divorced, stylish, vivacious, 53 (no STDs). Have received ASBO and face eviction from Colinsey Road home next week. Can offer loving kindness and the odd bit of cleaning and cooking to rich man, preferably living in St Buryan or, possibly, Tregeseal. 077542 5439

Pauline (67), retired builder’s apprentice from Gwavas, can name all the shops on both sides of Market Jew Street from 1905 to the present day. Will be happy to make her special spiced badger patties for the right man who shares her interests. 077652 98632

Men seeking women

Honest ex-Dartmoor inmate (52) seeking to make new life after long stretch (for fraud, not violence) seeks wife (30-35). Able to offer house, car and spending money. Must be a looker – absolutely no mingers! 077634 4532

Defrocked priest, keen handyman (42) , currently living with mother, clean driving licence, told by mother must go or give up collection of 320 budgies. Urgently seeking new billet with understanding woman who will share fondness of budgies. Also must be very careful not to get shampoo into my eyes on Saturday bath nights. 077653 5632

Young multi-millionaire (23), with body like 007, has temporary cash flow problem and is finding it difficult to keep the souped-up Ford Anglia on the road. Needs help from loaded female who likes fast cars. Interviews at No 123 Colinsey Road on Tuesday evening at 9.00pm.

Special Needs

One-legged homosexual postman from Sennen (late fifties and shy), not yet come out, seeks discreet similar, preferably also from Sennen. 077864 6531

Will ‘Nigel of Porthgwarra’ who ‘phoned offering to help us with the problem ‘phone me back, as I have lost his number. We manage up to a point, but then the bag breaks. Arnold 077885 4321

Bill of Gulval (59) has home-made wooden tandem bike, which he would like to share with left-handed woman of similar age who wears (or can be persuaded to wear) pink old-fashioned National Health glasses.

BARGAIN CORNER

Eco-friendly wind-up fridge. Can hold half pound of butter and one pint of milk!! Requires only 36 revolutions a minute to keep contents at a constant cool 18 degrees. £545. Call Ernie Rescorla on St Just 872.
One Wellington Boot size 8 left foot, 17 years old, but NO holes! £21. Interested should write enclosing £2.50 reservation and administration fee to D. Dungey, No.4 Boswergy Caravan Park.
Nine sticks of rhubarb (last year’s crop) 47 pence (£45, if delivered). Call Roy on his mobile, 07789 654230.
Paraffin-powered Kiddies night light only £6. Ask for Christine in Penzance Lower Kwop.
Ladies hob-nailed boots, left foot size 5 and right foot size 10 (with "LTregonning" cut into leather). Will suit lady called L Tregonning with appropriately-sized feet. £9. Enquiries to Hazel at Tregenza’s fruiterers in Penzance.
Elderly lady’s underwear (large) Complete set as she has no further need of them. Recently washed and no stains, £37. Apply at Pendrea Home for the Aged.
Gent’s toothbrush, still with some bristles left in the middle, 49 pence. Ask for Denis in the kitchens at the Queens Hotel, Penzance.
One pair of Lady’s Incontinence knickers (new elastic fitted and padding partly renewed!) only 25 pence. Speak to Sylvia Trenwith (when sober only!!) at the Dolphin Inn, Newlyn.
35 cotton buds for ear-cleaning. Only used twice and well-wiped, 25 pence. Apply to the Rev Obadiah Polkinghorne at Marazion Methodist Chapel any Sunday.
Man’s woollen bathing costume in faded purple, patched up (except for fart hole) and fitted with new piece of string. Good for, at least, four more swims. Only 72 pence. Apply to Denzil Rosewarne at Porthmeor Beach, St Ives, who sells Saffron Buns and Kernewek Kemmyn crosswords.

CLASSIFIEDS - THE UPDATE

The recent series of classifieds appearing in this organ contained one plea that brought a reaction from hundreds of young women, all desperate to be the source of solace to the man who advertised thus:

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612.

It is with the greatest of regret that we bring you the news that, despite the note of plucky optimism at the beginning of his message, the “Old Fart”, one Daniel Beare of the Caravan, Badger’s Field, St Just, has now passed away.

Such was his joy at being told that his advert had attracted 257 applicants that his excitement grew and his heart gave up on him.

However, we were so touched at the reaction that we have decided to print, for free, the adverts of some of those who responded in such a kindly manner, despite the fact that some clearly do not fit into the category of blonde, solvent, stunning and between 25 and 29.

Janice Cock (27) from Rosudgeon is a mobile (with own bike) "penile implant repair operative", who counts the whole of West Penwith as her patch. Given the nature of her work, she was on the lookout for a relationship that would offer her restful companionship to counterbalance the rigours of her day. “I am shagged out at the end of the day and jes’ wanted someone to come ‘ome to. I’m sum sorry to ‘ear about Mr Beare!” Janice would like to hear from you at Box 5674.


Sharon Botterill (16) is still at school, but as she said “Mr Beare sounded like such a kindly old bloke. I was jes’ goin’ to call in on un after school every couple of days to check ee’s alright, fetch ‘is fags and that sort of thing. Course, it might ‘ave led to more….” If anyone is moved by Sharon’s touching concern, she would love to hear from them and would like younger men or even boys her own age to make contact at Box 3912.


Lydia Addicoat (27), last year’s Miss Perranporth, shown here wearing her winning crown, is a ‘junior’ in a hair styling salon, where she has been training for some years to become a beautician. As the salon has male customers now too, she has been ‘looking after their feet’. She has developed a particular affection for old men’s feet, but did not like to tell anyone about it. Mr Beare would have been a dream partner, as he had apparently had ‘very bad feet’. If anyone would like to “play footsie” with Lydia, they should write to Box 7834.

Some one calling themselves just ‘Chris’ has sent in this photo, along with a message saying “I am Chris. I look just like this. I don’t want people to be afraid any more. They can trust me now. I am sorry about Mr Beare. I thought I could manage him, because his sight was probably not any good any more.” Chris lives "up on the moors" and loves horses. If you are interested, just take up a message. Chris will be watching. Chris is always watching.


Dog poo control operative (no, she’s eating chocolate!) Linda Borlase (25) is a sweet girl, who was strongly taken by Mr Beare’s cri de coeur. Overactive glands leave Linda with an embarrassing personal odour problem that makes her think she’d be better suited to an older man, like Mr Beare. She would like to hear from other over 80s gents at Box 4567.


Bert Trelowarren is a 27-year-old ladies' outfitter from Nancledra. A gentle soul, he has difficulty in fitting into the Penzance scene. He is very interested in male bodily dysfunctions, but finds it hard to relate his wishes to others. He thought that he would have a chance with an older man, hence his interest in Daniel. If anyone else would like to while away an evening with Bert over a yarn and a gallon of Bulmers, he should contact Box 5601.

Gracie Pender is 96 and still ‘up for it’. Gracie invented lap dancing in the 1920s and made a great deal of money from Lord Falmouth, the Bolithos and the Le Grices. She has also been credited with passing on handy hints to the Duckess of Cornwall about how to enliven nights at Highgrove. Charles was so thankful, he sent down his favourite cabbage to her. When she read Daniel’s message she thought “he’s a bit of a toyboy, but I’ve got the money and the time, so why the hell not?" Gracie is still eligible and open to invitations at Box 9127.

And finally, the man who all this was about? The man himself, Daniel Beare?

Here we have a picture of Daniel, snapped at one of his last ‘Dentures for Life’ sessions, where he acted as a model.

We send Daniel every best wish for his future journeys through the worlds of being!

RELUBBUS ROUNDUP CLASSIFIEDS

Men seeking women

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612

Young chapelgoer (32) seeks partner of whom mother would approve. Must be of child-bearing years, clean driving licence and no diseases. Tel 0905 449 7632

Sparkling, articulate, overweight male (45), own teeth and own van. Married but seeks discreet female partners for playing away. Tel 0905 662 8712

Women seeking men

Early 50s female only slightly deaf, bubbly attractive petite (3ft 2 ins tall), but sonorously flatulent seeks kind-hearted man with own car and similar affliction. Likes pub evenings, bingo and crosswords. Tel 0905 884 4523

Ludgvan female accountant (43) emerging from nasty divorce seeks fun-loving plumber with fondness for woodland animals. No sex, please! Tel 0905 728 1183

Other people seeking other people

Derek is 52, single, and lives in Mevagissey. A milkman all his life and very keen on darts (which he plays every night), he is excited by the thought of barbed wire and bondage and would like to meet similar men to share interests and maybe more. Tel 0905 674 3283

Single badger (27) looking for mate and not too particular! Tel 0905 693 4528


FOR SALE

Box 3 Petrol-powered automatic toothbrush for sale with litre of petrol £9.50

Box 4 Gent’s pink and green latex speedo – 56” waist £7.50

Box 7 Home-made (from bean tins), but very effective nose drop collector (to save on tissues!) £41.20

Box 11 Ladies cast iron knickers – generous size 20. Owner grown out of them £14.76

Box 32 Almost complete set of teeth – one careful owner, now dead – suit large mouth £78.99

Box 42 Attractive set of ladies’ earrings in blue plastic, with one ear still attached. £9.99

Box 31 Breeding Pair of ‘Sancreed Blue’ fighting rats with year’s supply of food £450

Box 20 Lean-to toilet hut in need of total renovation £1.95

Box 67 One-wheeled motor cycle, with side car for extra stability (and free umbrella for passenger!) vastly reduced, as no motor. £14