DIRE WARNING FOR THE WORLD

Reclusive hedge-fund manager, Nathaniel Polkinghorne of Nancegollan (45) has acquired a reputation - and huge wealth - for always being right.

For many years, Nathaniel was  a bus driver on long distance routes such as that from Penzance to Helston.

These long journeys gave him time to ruminate, and then expound, on many a challenge facing the world.  Unable to keep his opinions to himself, he often used to park the bus and, keeping the doors locked, give unsolicited lectures to his captive audience, sometimes for several hours.

Such lectures were not always appreciated by his passengers and some even took it upon themselves to instruct Polkinghorne to 'button it' or, in local parlance, "shut yer bleddy cakole and git the bus goinagen".  When he spoke of the world financial order, some challenged him to put his money where his mouth was.

So it was that, at the age of 40, Nathaniel boldly entered the world of investment to do just that.  A mere five years later and he was a megamultibillionnaire with his own caravan over Long Rock and a brand new Ford Anglia (shown left) parked up outside.  He achieved his wealth by always 'calling it right'.

Loaded as he is with his new-found wealth, he is now seldom seen at Morrison's, leaving his mother to undertake the weekly shopping alone. (" I duh always pay my 'alf towardsun like!")

He stays at home with his mother, neglecting his sumptuous Long Rock bachelor's pad.  He rarely emerges to dispense wisdom to the lesser sort.

Thus it was unusual when he called a press conference. This was attended by scores of eager reporters, some of whom came from as far away as Bude to listen to him.

When all were seated, as he had requested, he spoke and, in so doing, struck a truly sombre note.

Reminding his audience that he had famously never been wrong about anything, he announced that, whilst he had no desire to cause global panic, he felt compelled to share his now certain knowledge that  every single person upon the face of the earth was going to die.  There would be no exceptions.  Everyone - literally everyone - was going to die.  An awed chill silence filled the room.

He looked his audience in the eye and coldly stated that everyone, after a mere 150 years, would be no more.  He then turned and left.

In less than half an hour, copies of his speech had been printed and were being rushed around the whole of Cornwall and Relubbus.

Said paper boy, Charlie Clemo (7) of Portreath "Eedthink ee's sum bleddy smart, eedoo.  I cuddatolun that, daffbugger!"

Could Clemo be the new Polkinghorne?

DISGRACED RBS CHIEF PUT IN HIS PLACE!

Councillor Billy Spargo (98) had the disgraced ex-chief of the RBS (Relubbus Banking Syndicate) brought in shackles before a full council meeting today.

The RBS ex-chief, Sir Zack “the Sack” Badloss (45), is pictured left in happier days outside the bank, which has been found to have registered losses of £130 billion.

Sir Zack Badloss earned his nickname "the Sack" for the huge number of redundancies he brought about during his career.

Sir Zack earned a whopping £15 million per year during his 11 year tenure at the top of the Relubbus banking giant, which he built up through a programme of ruthless acquisition and redundancy.

Badloss was made to kneel-walk along a specially prepared corridor of broken glass in order to reach the council. The corridor had been lovingly prepared for him by a group of ballot-selected ex-colleagues, who had been sacked and ruined by him over the years.

Lining the route of the corridor were two files of similarly-selected ruined shareholders and customers, who were able to show their appreciation of Badloss’s ruthless recklessness by hitting him with sturdy sticks.

However, such is the famed insensitivity of the man that Badloss made it through to the ordure-filled wooden barrel in which he was to be questioned without any loss of his customary haughtiness.

Outside the Council Chamber a crowd of 140,000 ruined by Badloss’s RBS watched the proceedings on huge screens and intoned a deafening chant of the now familiar mantra “Good riddance to Badloss!”

It was only when Council Leader Billy Spargo (105) raised his arm that silence fell sudden as a stone.

It was then that everyone noticed that, seated in his ordure, Badloss was actually humming the tune of “Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside!”

This display of nonchalant detachment was interrupted by the flood of questions from the furious members of the council, each of whom was armed with a device that sent a sizeable voltage through Badloss to ‘get his attention’. We report some of the exchanges below:

Councillor Nargus Rosewarne: “Have you any banking qualifications?”

Badloss: "I have a grade 3 pass in O level woodwork and….a grade 4 pass in CSE maths. These gongs are more than adequate to qualify me for running any bank."

Councillor Jack Pengelly: “Have you any regret for what you have done?”

Badloss: “Regret? Regret? How can I possibly have any regrets? I have made well over £100 million and have salted it away in the State Bank of Relubbus. I'm alright, Jack, but thanks for the enquiry.”

Councillor Loveday Trembath: "Thousands of people throughout Relubbus and elsewhere in the world have been ruined by your failing bank. Some poor folk have felt themselves driven to commit suicide in their desperation. Do you feel no sense of responsibility?”

Badloss: “As Mrs Thatcher said, we all have to look after ourselves and that is something which I have done very well, which is why her protégé, Tory Blur, gave me a knighthood."

Councillor Madron Andrewartha: “Do you not feel any sense of shame or sorrow for the havoc you have wreaked?”

Badloss: “How can I be sorry and apologise for something which is not my fault? The banking crisis started in America, where, following our programme of social responsibility, we had gone out of our way to extend home loans to thousands of people, who, for reasons of abject poverty, would not normally qualify for any finance at all.

"Of course, we had to charge a bit more for that and some of the suckers couldn’t keep up. It’s all gone a bit pear-shaped, but it is not my fault and I have come out of it very well indeed.

"I think I can just about manage on my savings and my £4 million per year pension.”

Following further questions, Council Leader Billy Spargo (86) ended the 6 hour ordeal by again raising his hand to secure total silence and then issuing a judgement in respect of Badloss:

• His title would be changed from “Sir “ to “Scumbag”

• His savings would be confiscated.

• His mansion and other properties would be confiscated and he would receive a house in poor repair in Colinsey Road with a broken outside toilet.

• His pension rights would be cancelled. He would receive £1.50 worth of food per week from the RC Oates Very Basic range.

• He would be able to keep (indeed, would be forced to keep) his shackles.

The waiting crowd broke into spontaneous and delirious applause at the news.

In a park nearby, 94 year old Josiah Cock sat on a bench and wondered aloud “What did they expect from a man called Badloss, a 'good win'?

"None of these thieving crooks at the top of the banks should have any money at all - they should have prison sentences instead - that's what they deserve!"

He then gave thanks that he had the good fortune to live in Relubbus, which alone amongst the nations dealt firmly with failing banks and bankers.

ADVERTISEMENTS

LET ME MAKE MONEY FOR YOU!!
Says Relubbus Hedge Fund Manager, Bernie “The Bung” Ripoff

Bernie Ripoff came to Relubbus as a poor economic migrant from Chelsea, a rougher part of London, many years ago. Since then this dazzling magician of the money markets has conjured up a vast fortune for himself (he drives a Ford Anglia with a special 2 litre engine!).

Now he is offering all of you a chance to share in his financial fortunes by buying into his new fund, “Thrift and Theft’. Speaking exclusively to the Roundup from his luxury apartments at the Long Rock Station Railway Coach park, Ripoff said, “Making money in the markets is like taking candy from a baby. It’s like a little theft. So I couldn’t resist using the name in my new fund!”

Ripoff is inviting contributions from as little as 50 pence up to as much as £500,000,000 per person (the maximum since “the punters mustn’t be greedy”, he says). All monies received are invested in his Thrift and Theft Fund, which is guaranteed to bring a return of 500% (after 150 years) to all contributors and their heirs.

Investors are asked to bring cash only and to form an orderly and quiet queue outside Mr Ripoff’s Railway Carriage (the one with windows) on Monday morning at the crack of dawn at around 11.30 am.

SAMPLE THE RED INDIAN LIFE AT ZENNOR!

Chief Dougie “Running Deer” Blewett invites the good folk of West Penwith to sample the true Indian lifestyle at his reservation on Tregeagle farm, Zennor.

Says the Big Chief himself, “We duh offer the real life Indian experience ‘ere an’ you doan ‘ave tuh gw'ovver to Amerikee tuh git ‘a’ bit taste ovun!”

Mr Blewett, a Methodist lay preacher and farmer at Zennor for many years, got a book out of Penzance Library on ‘Red Injun’ life and has opened up the reservation in his back field to help supplement the farm income.

“People what duh com ‘ere get tuh live in one o they teepees fer a night er two and t’ eat a bitta fox. We don’t give they non o’ that firewater stuff, as this ‘ere is a good Methodist ‘ouse’old."

Amusements include a bow and two arrows, chicken feathers galore for headdresses and a little wood for a fire on cold nights. Everything else must be supplied by the guests themselves, who can “make a reservation at the reservation” for just £175 per person per night. Just ‘phone Zennor 495.

WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW JOB IN COMPUTING??

Tremethick Cross Computation offers you a chance to enter the high-tech world of computing and find a job which pays well (£1.71 an hour or an amazing £143.64 per week for a normal 12 hour day seven day week, producing lifetime earnings of approaching £450,000 for the full 60 years!) and sets you up to share in the magical mysteries of the computer age.

Computing is a 24 hour phenomenon and staff are required to work 12 hour shifts. As shown in the picture, there is a men’s section and a women’s section. However, following modern conventions, the one toilet is Unisex (ladies are accordingly asked to lift the lid back up after use!!).

Eat a hearty meal before you come! There is no canteen, since the 3 minute mid-shift break does not really allow much time for eating. That won’t bother you though, since you will be in the queue for the toilet, the automated doors of which close after the 3 minute break.

The generous holiday package includes 1 free Saturday in 7 and offers a further 4 FREE days each year for you to use as you wish (this rises to 5 days after 45 years)

There is a also a compulsory contributory pension scheme, which is managed for Tremethick Cross Computation by Bernie Ripoff. Each employee is required to contribute £100 per week to the scheme, which will result in their receiving (only after completion of 60 years’ contributions) a generous annual pension of £94 payable for as long as you live.

Apply in writing to Mr RJ Polkinghorne, Taskmaster, Tremethick Cross Computations.
Note: For religious reasons, applications from persons with a legal background will not be enetertained!!

YOUNG PEOPLE OF RELUBBUS - GET YOUR MONO HERE!

Picture it now – you are motoring down fashionable Boswedden Lane – the car is at full throttle, whilst you achieve an effortless 13 and a half miles per hour – your passenger slips a gramophone record on to the player and your favourite music is blaring out at 7 decibels, attracting attention from all passers-by, who simply stare – jaw-dropped – as you pass by.

Forget Stereo, your car is equipped with MONO – a single ear trumpet (fitted to the running board) that bellows out sound so that you can hear it even at speeds in excess of 10 miles per hour !!

The passing public will hear it too and think that you are a top hole - not to say spiffing - sort of chap!!

MONO can be fitted to your car by Tonkins of Paul (and Sheffield) for a mere £14,500.

Issue 1, 14th April 2007

IS THIS PROFITEERING?

The cost of Cornish properties is well known to be little short of a scandal, but the Roundup was amazed to see a sale board and a price tag on a telephone box.

The advertiser’s blurb reads:

"A bijou residence for the brighter personality? With external paintwork in bright Post Office red, this attractive residence would suit a single first time buyer. Whilst it has the benefit of a telephone, it does lack other common conveniences e.g. water, sanitation, etc., and this is fully reflected in the price of £45,000. However, the property has the benefit of windows on three sides. It also comes equipped with a telephone shelf, which will reduce required expenditure on furniture. Streetside parking available. Early viewing recommended."

Are you aware of rip-off property sales? If so, we at the Roundup would like to know about it. And you can rely on us to publish!

MORVAH BAKERY MAGNATE SPLITS UP WITH WIFE!
Morvah mega-businessman, Jimbo Rouncefield (74) has announced that he is to split up with his wife, former Miss Crows an Wra 1953, Jennifer Addicoat. The "two Jays", as they liked to be known on the West Penwith social scene, have shocked ordinary folk with their extravagant spending. With a sumptuous lifestyle funded by the Morvah bakery and shop, with two further outlets, one at Alverton, Penzance and the other at Gwavas, Newlyn, the two Jays have become a byword for lush living.

Yesterday at the Rouncefield residence, in which there is believed to be a plumbed-in bath and an inside toilet, no one was available for comment. The curtains were closed in what was the capital of the West Penwith party circuit.

Jennifer Rouncefield (nee Addicoat), pictured right, was known as a quiet beauty before her entry into the helter-skelter world of the West Penwith Glitterati. A Methodist Sunday School teacher with a part-time weekday job in the sub-Post Office, Jennifer didn’t even have a goose to say "boo" to before she was swept off her feet by romancing Jimbo. All the talk now is of what financial settlement Jimbo will have to make in the courts. Read these pages for details.

The SOCIAL WHIRL
edited by Celebrity and Social correspondent Elsie Rescorla

This month, Praze an Beeble Celebrity Cook, Maudie Penhaul, tells you all!

“Ello, again, my 'ansomes! Is tip o' the week time again for ee. Next time you’re making pasties, if you want to make un a bit richer, stick a git dollop o' cream innun.

Course, you gotta dig up your own tattees, turnick and onions for un too. That do normally get your 'ans dirty. But then I d find that there’s nothing better for getting your 'ans clean, than making pastry for the pasty. All the dirt d' come off sum lovely and when you’re finished your 'ans is as clean as a new born babe’s!

THE PASSING SHOW
The local fashion scene with fashion guru Morwenna Burt

Newlyn Girls say “It’s Size Zero Plus!"
These days, there is a lot of silly talk about dress size, an obession with slimness, and a growing failure to appreciate the more rounded woman. Well, it may be like that elsewhere in the world, but it isn’t like that in Newlyn. These three local girls, (left to right, Nancy Penhaligon (21), Wendy Tregear (24) and Daphne Liddicoat (19) who work for the Co-op in Newlyn are all quite happily and resolutely rotund. Shown here on their way to a night out at the Swordfish, these delectable damsels keep their figures the way they like it on 8 pints each and fish and chips every night. Speaking for all, Wendy said “ I wouldn want to be like one o they stick-thin models up country. They can be size zero, we’re for size zero PLUS!!”

INVESTMENT CORNER – DUANE POLKINGHORNE

Duane Polkinghorne of Nancledra Investment Management (NIM) , advises readers on money matters.

Marge Angwin (45), of Penalverne Estate, Penzance, placed her £250 savings with NIM and wants to ask Duane when she can have her money back. Duane responds “I’ve got 'n all tied up in long term fixed Asian gilts, so Marge can’t have her money for the moment. It will be released in about 45 years time with a nice little bit of interest for Marge on top. NIM d' specialise in long term and very long term investments. If you’ve got a bit put by and you want it kept safe for ee, give us n 'ere, and we’ll take of un for ee.”

The Relubbas Roundup cannot be held responsible for any advice given by Mr Polkinghorne.

EATING OUT, with Roland Butter
This month: The Cultured Whelk at Sancreed

I was eager to try this chic seafood restaurant, which is the latest venture of celebrity chef Rock Stone. In the weeks since its opening, reservations have been almost impossible to get, so I was delighted when Rock asked me along to write a piece for the Roundup.

The speciality of the house is, as the name suggests, whelks, which can be served fried, poached, boiled, stewed, fricasseed, or raw.

Rock believes passionately in using only the finest local ingredients, notwithstanding the expense, a fact which possibly explains the menu prices. He obtains his whelks from the seabed off Penzance, close to the Newlyn harbour wall, near the old sewage outflow. It is, says Rock, the amazing richness of the nutrients in this water that produces the largest, sweetest whelks.

For my starter I chose Bouquet of Whelk Mariniere (£25.95), which consisted of two raw whelks in a salty liquid, cunningly flavoured to taste like seawater. I was glad that Rock is a minimalist where starters are concerned, because I did not want to spoil my appetite for the treats that were to follow.

After great deliberation, from the wealth of main dishes I eventually chose Whelk a la Greque (£72.50). This dish consisted of a small mound of fricasseed whelks, served with button mushrooms, tomatoes, onion, garlic, and parsley, all flavoured with the same salty sauce. To accompany the feast, on Rock's recommendation I chose a half-bottle of an extremely dry Marazion Chablis 2004 (£93.50).

For dessert I was greatly tempted by the Whelk Chocolate Truffle (£27.50) and the Death by Whelks (£33.95), but I eventually opted for something more suited to my arteries and chose Whelk Sorbet (£26.00). This was an exquisitely delicate whelk-flavoured water ice.

To complete the meal I eschewed coffee and had instead two glasses of Whelk Brandy (£7.95 each). It has been said, rightly, that Whelk Brandy is an aquired taste, and I would not recommend this drink to those inexperienced in whelk cuisine. To the whelk aficionado, though, it is unsurpassed -- like a salty Calvados.

All prices quoted exclude VAT, the cover charge of £15, and service.

The day following my visit to The Cultured Whelk I was due to report on Rock Stone's other restaurant, at Padstow. Unaccountably, however, I was struck down with agonising stomach cramps and was violently sick. So that report will appear in a later issue.

Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish

This month, our guide to Cornish dialect looks at some of the terms you might need at Penlowarth, your friendly Soshul (Benefits' Office).

Cornwall is, shamefully, a place of high unemployment. This is, in part, an unfortunate consequence of the emphasis on "English" regionalisation, which fails to take account of the uniquely Cornish situation.

Consequently, many folk are dependent upon the benefits system (the “Soshul”). Also, there seem to be a lot of people walking around Penzance with sticks which are rather more emblematic of their requirement for state support than actual aids to walking.

In order to assist understanding of common streams of conversation, the following little guide may be helpful:

ARDUP AREE? Are you hard pressed for cash?

WANNANEW TV DO EE? Would you like a new television set?

BINTOOK BAD AVEE? Have you been ill recently?

LIKAWASHADRYA WOODEE? Would you like a new washer dryer?

KENTFEED THE KIDS KENNEE? Are you unable to feed your children?

GIROGONMISSIN ASEE? Have you lost your Giro?

ADDENUPTOOEER AVEE? Have you had as much as you can take?

SEENUN LIKUN GUNNABUYUN? Have you seen it? Did you like it? Would you like to buy it?

CUMININEER FER YERANDOUT AVEE? Have you come in for financial assistance?

PLANNING NEWS
Penzance held its breath at the extraordinary meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), convened yesterday in Relubbus’ Wesleyan Sunday School rooms.

Councillor Darsel Tredinnick was moving the motion for the highly controversial Penzance bypass. The picture on the left shows the usual stream of traffic flowing past the railway station in Penzance. It is this traffic flow which is at the heart of the grand plan.

Unlike conventional bypass proposals, this one was meant to prevent any traffic at all from entering or leaving Penzance. Opposed only by Councillor Downing Kivell, who was later carried unconscious from the meeting, the motion was passed with immediate effect. The terminus for all road and rail traffic will be Long Rock on the eastern side of town.

Councillor Tredinnick stated after the meeting that Penzance had grown disproportionately large in relation to Relubbus and that this move was, together with the go-ahead for the new Syprin Boseljack Relubbus International Airport at Gurlyn Hill, a necessary corrective action.

Long Rock Station – pictured here on the right – will be the new terminus for all traffic headed West. The grassland in front of the very recently and expensively refurbished station will be capable of parking up to 67 cars.

"But what of the impact on businesses?" Councillor Kivell had asked before he was removed from the meeting.

Some Penzance-based businesses (including Tesco and Morrisons) have been concerned about their ability to re-stock, given that lorries will no longer be able to travel into the town along the grassed trackways that will shortly replace the existing roads. Councillor Tredinnick has a ready reply to this.

The entire transport fleet of Pengilly and Cock of Barlewenna has been engaged to undertake the ferrying of goods into Penzance. The fleet, which comprises the above cart and two others like it, is well up to the job, according to Mr Tredinnick, who admitted having a large shareholding in the transport firm.

The Roundup is sure that this will not be the last we have heard of this story…..but, whenever there is a development, rest assured that your Roundup will be on the case!

Enty May’s Problem Page

Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. Enty May has a background in long term psychiatric care.

Question from Denzil Tregarthen (18) of Madron:

Dear Enty, I aren’t very 'appy. I d' 'ave problems getting t' knaw girls. Every time I d' go up to they maids, they d' 'old their noses and call out “'ere comes Soapy!”

Enty replies: Well, my Cock, you don' 'alf ave problems, don’t ay? The problem with you is that you don’t wash and tha’s why they do call you “Soapy!”

Go 'ome, ave a good long bath with 'ot water and a nice bar o' soap and they maids will be all over you.

Question from Enoch Uren (59) of Godolphin Cross:

Dear Enty, Is it true that getting lovey dovey with animals is against the law? I aren’t askin' fer myself, but on be 'alf of a friend 'oo’s too shy to ask ee 'isself.

Enty replies: Well, my Sparrow, you tell your “friend” that there’s nuthin' to worry about legalwise provided ee don’t get seen by no one. Sheep and pigs is alright, but it wouldn' be fair to try un on with anything smaller like a duck or chicken – plus you gotta watch out fer that Aviation flu these days.

Question from Grace Friggens (82) of Carwynnen:

Dear Enty, I am still a virgin and would like to experience the love of a good man before I leave this world. 'Owever, it is difficult to meet people as I 'aven't left the 'ouse these past 56 years.

Enty replies: Well, my Bird, I do believe you’ve left un a bit late, my 'ansome. Now there’s a new sex shop/pizza parlour opened up in Trenoweth. They d' do deliveries. What ee want to do is order up a dildee with a four seasons an' 'avun brought roun'. I got a sister – Ida – in the same position as you and Ida d' do that too.

YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He’s the mystic they all think terrific

Because his predictions are completely specific!

Aries This month will be bleak because you will suffer from identity theft. This will bring you to the brink of despair, but you will not commit suicide yet.

Taurus This month you will realise that you are gay and you will come out.

Gemini Your unfortunate sexual practices become known and you are completely ostracised - and rightly so.

Cancer You feel on top of the world and this has everything to do with the illegal drugs you have been taking. They are on to you.

Leo You will be poisoned this month, though will quickly recover.

Virgo You will meet a man called Mr Angwin. He will play an important role in your life.

Libra You will bump into a long-lost friend in the Co-op. After an initially friendly conversation, you will come to blows and be arrested.

Scorpio Whilst digging in the garden, you will come across a Faberge egg worth £75,000. As you learnt of it here first, you will send me one third of the money.

Sagittarius A sprig of parsley, a turnip, some onions, a nice bit of skirt, potatoes – oh, and some flour for the pastry, then call in at the doctor’s on the way home. Lightbulbs!

Capricorn Electric shock treatment is coming your way.

Aquarius You will pass only half of your exams and will need to re-sit.

Pisces The armchair in your parlour will need to be re-upholstered.

Poetry Corner

selected by literary editor Emily Bindweed

Battery Rocks

by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Summer’s 'ere again an I’m goin' down Battery Rocks
Is quite nice down there lyin' in the sun, reflectin'.
I d’go down there quite offen in the summer, y’ know
Course it d’get a bit nippy, when the wind’s up.

But I don min that. I wouldn min goin
Over Porthcurno, but it d’ cost too much on the bus.
Anyway you d’get too many trippers there this time
O’ year. Anyway I gotta be ome now fer tea.

Or I’ll get ell. So I might as well urry up and go down
Battery Rocks. You can find bullcods in the pools.
I found some las week and smashed their eads in
With a bleddy git rock. ‘Ansome that was.
Anyway thas all I got to say about Battery Rocks.

Philip Trudgeon (14)

THE SPORTING SCENE

New Shoulder Rugby game is launched at Gurnards Head

The Rugby ground at Gurnards Head was packed with spectators on Saturday to see the launch of the new “Shoulder Rugby”. The new game is much like standard rugby union. However, one notable exception is that, when in possession of the ball, the player (as shown left) is not allowed to run, but is required to “hop” along on the shoulder blades.

Denzil Botheras (in possession of the ball) said after the game that the new movement restrictions made the new game a little more static than traditional rubgy. This was reflected in the score of Gurnards Head 0 New Mill 0. Archilaus Clemo (53), a lifelong follower of rugby at the Gurnards Head ground and fully 50% of the packed crowd, said after the game “I never seen such a pile of old bollocks as that. No one hardly moved! I aren’t gunna cum ere to watch another game!

The other 50% of the packed crowd was none other than the unrepentant inventor of shoulder rugby, Miss Adelaide Chirgwin (45) of Kelynack Terrace, Gurnards Head. Miss Chirgwin, a freelance beauty and slimming consultant with a thriving business that stretches from Gurnards Head almost as far as New Mill, had no regrets. “I’ve put a lot of money into the game - £2.10 to each of the players – and I aren’t ready to give up."

The Roundup will be there to cover the next game, if and when it takes place.

Local Girls cover us in glory!

Pictured are (left) Letitia Jago (23, from Madron) and (right) Gwendoline Tonkin (24, from Newlyn) in full flow in the finals of the Ladies Synchronised Directed Wind (SDW) competition in Bodmin at the weekend. Knowing that victory is in their grasp, they can hardly conceal their joy as they struggle to complete their exacting routine, which ends with the National Anthem, the last notes of which Letitia is straining to produce.

Only recently admitted as an Olympic sport, SDW is now tightly controlled from a Health & Safety perspective and the girls are both wearing nose clamps for self protection.

Letitia and Gwendoline easily won the competition and now have high hopes for success in the UK championships.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• A hard-hitting report on the latest attempt on the West Cornwall Non-stop Piano-Playing record (Gays’ section).

• Celebrity News: the secret grief behind the smiles of the clown they call Loopy Laughing Jack Lesnoweth of Lescudjack -- the Roundup tells all!

• The truth behind the rumours: is Jemima Trevithal (aka Michael Bollock) all she claims to be?

• Global Warming -- does Cornish inventor Joseph Bodruggan from Copperhouse have the answer?
  

• Featurette on the Gwithian Ladies Pedicycle Club: new pictures!

• And much, much more!
  

Correction:
In last month's Horoscope we said: "With the Archer in Uranus, this is a painful time for you." This should, of course, have read: "With Uranus approaching the Archer, this is a worrying time for you."