TUCKINGMILL MAN RECEIVES WELL-DESERVED HONOUR

A Mr Hirohito Watanabe of Tuckingmill has been awarded 9th prize in the annual Camborne taxi-drivers' awards.

"Banzai Bob" Hirohito Watanabe (62), formerly of Nagasaki and now from Tuckingmill, is a traditional Japanese rickshaw puller (Muhomatsu no issho) in the old style, who came to this country over 40 years ago in order to make a living and to learn to speak English.

Correctly concluding that he would be the first rickshaw puller in West Cornwall, he believed that there was a good living to be made here.

After the first 10 years, Mr Watanabe was eventually beginning to settle in and coming to be accepted by the locals, who gave him his pet name of "Banzai Bob".

Admittedly during the first few years, bookings were very few and far between, as people seemed reluctant to be pulled about by a panting oriental gentleman wearing nothing but his underpants and a lampshade on his head.

Gradually though, in fashion-conscious Tuckingmill,  it came to be seen as a style statement  to be transported hither and thither in "Banzai Bob's" rickshaw.

After a slow start - it did take a good 10 years - it became an attractive novelty to be pulled by "Banzai" down to the pub and back, particularly if you paid the extra for him to go at his highest (running) speed.

A particular favourite amongst pub visitors being pulled home is to get "Bob" to do his emergency stop, which invariably results in a hospitalisation for either puller or pullee and sometimes for both.

"Bob" is shown here pulling his wife - formerly Tamsin Trevanion (32) - now Mrs Watanabe, who decided to "goferit an' put on the Nip clothes tuh 'elp the boy out!"

Tamsin, a failed call-girl, decided against trying to make go of it as a TV presenter on the back of her grade D in Media Studies and instead become just a normal Tuckingmill housewife.
 
No children have resulted from the marriage, but the couple have built up a fine stable of ferrets, which are the envy of the neighbourhood.

"Bob" has had to struggle with the language and has not progressed very far in mastering Tuckingmill English or any other variant of the language.

However, after a couple of hours of explanation, he did take on board the significance of his ninth place award in the much sought-after annual Camborne Taxi Awards, which will be presented next week in the prestigious surroundings of the Corn Exchange in Commercial Street.

"Bob" has announced that he will simply respond with three well-chosen Japanese words:

私は光栄です "Watashi wa Koeidesu", which means "I am honoured!"

Bob has stated that the success of his business has led him to consider the setting up of an apprentice scheme for young Cornish lads, who would like to strike out on their own as rickshaw-pullers in other parts of Cornwall. 

If you are interested, you can contact "Bob" via the Roundup.

COMPETITION CORNER

Which of these two singers had a hit record with 24 hours from Tulsa?

Was it A  - Gene Pitney?

Or was it B -- Tommy Trembath?








To win this month's BIG PRIZE, just send in a letter to the editor enclosing  a £50 note and giving your answer A or B.

The first letter containing a correct answer to be opened in the big draw in one month's time will win this month's prize of a Long Playing record of all Tommy's greatest hits!

YES!!!!! THE ROUNDUP IS BACK .......AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL IS DOWN AND OUT

The Roundup offers sincere apologies for its recent enforced period of 'radio silence'.

This was caused by the unfortunate, and, in our view, wholly unwarranted detention of the entire Roundup reporting and production team.  We had planned an editorial 'Awayday' and picnic at Hayle Towans.  This proved to be an unwise choice of venue.

Readers will know that it situated in The People's Republic of Hayle, which is ruled by eccentrically coiffeured but steely Stalinist dictator and mummy's boy, Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), pictured here on the left.

The oversensitive Ventongimps, who was angered at our frequent references to his exotic combover hairstyle, immediately gave orders for our arrest and detention on learning that the Roundup crew were consuming pasties in the summer rain on the towans.

We were taken to a bleakly dark granite building in Copperhouse, where we were incarcerated and destined to be  forgotten  Indeed, one of our number heard the unmistakably evil and high pitched voice of Ventongimps himself as he commanded his minions to 'thraw they bleddy keys away!"

However, we were not forgotten  by the good people of Relubbus. 

At the personal command of the esteemed leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (131) the security service of the state of Relubbus (Mr Ernie Pascoe (33)) was instructed to discover our whereabouts.

It took him just months to track us down using a combination of painstakingly tenacious detective work, satellite spy skullduggery and the inimitable skills of 'Dippy', the three-legged champion sniffer dog.

Told of our fate fate, Spargo lost no time in despatching the crack 'S' squad of the Relubbus Military Police to effect a daredevil rescue.

Agents Dick Harvey and Harvey Dick then effected a night operation to secure our release, which they successfully completed thanks in great part to the efforts of their specially trained getaway horse, 'Orsie'.

Frail as a result of our ordeal we will be resuming a halting, irregular but dependable service.

The Roundup remains, as ever , at your service!!

WATCH OUT JAMIE OLIVER!!  HERE COMES NIGEL BATTEN!!

Nigel Batten (19) is, according to his mother Sandra, Relubbus' answer to Jamie Oliver.

Older readers will recall that Sandra herself achieved some degree of fame, if not notoriety, for her invention of 'Cledra Cola, an intriguing brown drink of pungently stirring natural ingredients  produced in Nancledra on her cousin's farm.

The purgative claims made for the drink were no exaggeration, but so efficacious was it in its cleansing properties that it always required a prolonged hospital stay afterwards to recover from it.

Sandra maintains that it was only for this reason, and not as a result of any discussions which may or may not have taken place with the inspection and prosecution department of the Relubbus Institute of Clinical Hygiene and Health (RICHH) that 'Cledra Cola disappeared overnight from the shelves.

Sandra is now working on  a new version of 'Cledra Cola and promises that we can all expect a big launch next spring.

Meanwhile, all eyes are on her son, Nigel.

This enigmatic boy, who went to school in Prospidnick and was marked out by his already fearful teachers as 'one to watch' is poised to take the culinary world by storm.

In fact he says that he is going to turn the pasty world upside down!

"People ebbent never seen pasties like they ones I'm bringin' out!" he declared.

Told by his mother to 'shut yer big gob!" and not spill the beans before the big launch next week at the flagship Boswedden Lane R C Oates Superstore, Nigel obediently stopped talking immediately. We can exclusively reveal that the revolutionary new range of Batten pasties - to be sold under the catchy slogan of 'Batten down yer 'atch' - will include inspired novelties such as deep-fried pasties, pasties on a stick and pasties in coloured icing for special occasions such as Pirates rugby matches.

Production will admittedly be rather limited at the outset, since Nigel's girlfriend, Lorraine, is currently the only one producing the pasties.

Nigel describes himself as "th' ideas man and marketin' genius be'ind the 'ole operation!"

However, he fully expects to be employing over 2,000 people in  pasty production within just a matter of weeks.

Cornishwomen everywhere are invited to consider contributing their pasty-making skills to this great new venture.  Wages - in excess of 10p per hour - are expected to be paid.  

If you want to see and sample the wares, be at R C Oates Superstore in Relubbus next Tuesday at 10.00 am!

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A VOLUNTEER CHAPEL ASSISTANT??

Following the sad passing of Walter Gerontius Penberty at the ripe old age of 124, a vacancy has now arisen in the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels for a Volunteer Chapel Assistant.

Walter is shown here on the left in his favourite picture, which was taken whilst he was a schoolboy at the Prospidnick Academy  for Lads with Attention Deficit Disorder.

The post of Volunteer Chapel Assistant is one which Walter has held with pride for the last 34 years of his long life, following his retirement at the age of 94 after a successful career as a trapeze artist with the R C Oates Travelling Circus, which is hugely popular all year round from the Lizard to St Agnes to Lands End.

The important job of Volunteer Chapel Assistant - or VCA - involves servicing the needs of all the chapels in the West Penwith Area by undertaking sundry duties for them all every Sunday.

In view of the distance between the chapels, the job requires the services of an energetic person, who is in possession of a speedy bicycle, preferably one with gears.

Since the position is voluntary, it carries no remuneration.  However, since the Chapel Assistant will be servicing the needs of congregations of sometimes in excess of 9 people, he - or she - can be sure of a lot of heartfelt gratitude.

The post is expected to attract many applicants and selection will be made by the following means:

There will be an on-line test to get numbers down to a final 500.

There will then be a series of telephone interviews to get the numbers down to a final 20.

The lucky 20 will then be interviewed by Mrs Betty Peninula (97) (pictured) and her talking budgie "Pretty Boy" to choose the final 6.

The final 6 will then be interviewed by the Reverend Madron Bolitho.

If you think that you have got what it takes, you are welcome to try for the job.

For each of the 20 chapels every Sunday, you must undertake most, and sometimes all, of the following duties:

• Put the hymns up
• Pump up the organ
• Arrange the flowers
• Polish the collection plate
• Take up the collection
• Act as sidesman
• Manage the communion wine (ensuring that it is strictly non-alcoholic)
• Wash and clean glasses
• Polish the Minister's shoes
• Be on hand to take the blame if the Minister has an unfortunate loud farting incident during prayers
• Plan the Sunday School treat
• Manage the Sunday School treat
• Be the Sunday School Superintendent
• Take all the Sunday School classes
• Tend the chapel garden
• Mow the lawn
• Sweep the pavement
• Sing in the choir (as bass, tenor, alto or soprano as required)
• Take the occasional service
• Be the congregation
• Open up chapel
• Lock up chapel

If you would like to be considered, send a stamped addressed envelope with a cheque for £375 to the Union of West Penwith Methodist Chapels, Boswedden lane, Relubbus.

SHOCK REVELATION ABOUT DUCHY'S GOLDEN COUPLE

Starstruck followers of Relubbus high society have long been used to tales about the extravagant lifestyle of the 'golden couple' - Bert 'Len' Harvey from Towednack and Lily Nicholls from Perrannuthnoe.

As our readers will be well aware, Len prides himself on never having done an honest day's work in his life.  He has passed his time contentedly trolling around the Duchy of  Cornwall - sometimes in fancy costumes - obtaining freebies wherever he can.  He has been most successful at it.  In fact, he has turned cadging off the Duchy into a fine art form.

He is shown here, together with a bewildered Lily who can't find her roll-ups, in a snap taken at Penzance railway station, where he has just spotted the rent man coming towards him to try - unsuccessfully - to collect the 55 years rent owing on the luxury accommodation he shares with Lily in Colinsey Road, Penzance.

So famous has the couple become that no society event in Cornwall is now complete without an appearance from the 'Colinsey Kickback Kids'. 

Now, however, a new and unexpected light has been shone onto the so-called Duke and Duchess of Cornwall.

Following a heavy night out drinking with the girls at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, Lily let slip, after her eighteenth port and lemon, that she has never had carnal relations with Len.  Instead, she related, it is her reclusive twin sister, Filly, who lives in a nearby field, who has been the recipient of Len's earnestly amorous attentions.

Apparently, Len is unable to tell the two girls apart.  The Roundup has managed to obtain a rare family photo of the two girls together.  When you look at it, you can appreciate Len's problem.

If you are still struggling, Lily is the one on the right.

SHOCK FOR MOUSEHOLE BUSINESSMAN

Tommy Tregarthen (49) is a man who has made it big in fish.  Over 33 years he has built up a wet fish empire, which has grown to one shop in Mousehole AND a delivery van.

Tommy is a popular man in Mousehole.  Apart from fish, his interests are rhododendrons, pickled turnips, yodelling and conkers.

Tommy is also known to be something of a ladies' man.  One person very much of that opinion is his estranged wife. 

Nancy (41) is a senior stylist at Shelley's of St Just and Paris and she is also still exceedingly bitter about their separation and her failure to get a judge to agree that she should be entitled to receive half of Tommy's delivery van.

It was with some surprise that the Roundup received an invitation to visit the Tregarthen family home in Mousehole.  Nancy lives in the house and Tommy lives in a caravan in the drive, in which he occasionally receives lady visitors, which stirs Nancy's jealousy and anger to ever new heights.

When we arrived at the home, Nancy positioned our photographer and then summoned Tommy to come inside the house.

As soon as he had crossed the threshold,  she launched a ritual verbal attack - with a new and one-off twist.

"You bleddy basterd!  You 'ad that li'll tart, Kylie Pierce, in the caravan las' night, didnee?  Bleddy fool, you don't knaw where she been.  It'll be all ovver the Kwop by lunchtime.  Well, neow, I gotta surprise fer you, my cock!!"

Drawing herself up to her full four foot one inch (for they are both people of restricted growth), she then declared with great glee, "Well, my bird, don't gwout lookin' fer yer van today!  'Es my luvver, idn there namore! 'Es , I parked 'n' up somewhere special far ee, my 'ansome!" 

At the mention of his beloved Austin A35 van, he blenched in fear of what news might follow, for he strongly sensed that the news might not be good.

Fixing him with an intense stare, which sought to drain his very life force and savouring this moment of pay-back time, Nancy then administered the killer blow.  "'Es Cappen, I parked 'n' up sum proper far ee this time. [Dramatic Pause] I pushed 'n' ovver th' edge o' Mousehole Pier!"

This was the moment captured by our ace photographer, Dougie Pengelly.

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Do you require a not-so-decorative slattern with a particularly foul mouth?

Lucy Trevanion (27) an unsuccessful trainee streetwalker from Botallack, where business is extremely slack at present, is seeking new employment.

Her ideal job would be operating the mangle in Penzance laundry, which she would find rewarding and fun.  She claims to have come third in the 2008 Apprentice series and syas that she is accordingly passionate about business.

Lucy can be contacted only by post - addressed to Lucy Trevanion, Botallack.

STRAIGHT COUPLE DENIED ENTRY TO GAY B&B

Relubbus is rightly known internationally for its tolerance and it veritably glitters in the light of its reputation as a safe haven for folk of all persuasions.

It is therefore no surprise that Prospidnick in Greater Relubbus is the chosen site of the first nudist gay B&B, run by devoted couple Ron Trezise (76) and his longterm partner Ron Polglaze (65).

The two gents, who have been working as itinerant plumbers in West Penwith since their teens, first bumped into one another whilst working on emergency repairs in the Gents in Penlee Park in Penzance on one balmy evening back in 1968.  Since then they have been an item.

As Ron T. explained, "If you duh ask fer ee, you duh get we and if you duh ask fer me, you duh still get we!"  For this reason they became known as the "Two fer one plumbers, oo duh get the job done inaff the time!"

The two Rons are leading lights in the Gwavas Contralto Queer Choir, which has been a champion of gay rights  in the West Penwith musical world for decades.  They are also both fanatical gardeners and passionately ardent nudists.

When retirement came, they decided "to set up a B&B fer folks like we!"  They then searched out a round house, the  very shape of which would embody their opposition to anything square.

When they set eyes on the Prospidnick round house, they fell in love with its circular simplicity.  As it is beautifully round, they have divided it up into segments like some great pink grapefruit.  Pink is incidentally the colour of all the decor and furniture.
There are 16 segments: one for the kitchenette, one for the bathroom and toilet, one for the dining room, one for the living room -- which also contains the front door -- and 12 for the guest bedrooms.

Whilst the house is known for its cheery cosiness, the segments are separated from one another by sturdy polyurethane pink-coloured curtains to provide the occupants with some privacy.

The house has been renamed the Prospidnick Pink House and it has been doing a roaring trade.  There has been a continuous stream of gay nudist tourists from around the world with some coming from as far away as Sidmouth.

Then last week the day came when Reginald and Mavis Pollock (both 33 and missionaries) rapped loudly on the door and asked for a room, which brought screeches of dismay from the outraged gays within.

Averting their eyes from the strange sights behind the door and declaiming in loud voices fortified by unshakeable righteousness, Reginald and Mavis demanded the right to be admitted as guests to the B&B.

They unashamedly declared that they wished to enter so that they might therein pursue their advocacy of the missionary position.

The two Rons flatly refused and, following many a bitter exchange, 5 minutes later Inspector Drustan Thaddeus Angove of the Relubbus Police appeared on the scene.

Inspector Angove, a much-feared detective and noted dwarf, took in the situation at a glance.  On seeing so many men in a state of undress, his practised eye told him the he needed re-inforcements.

In next to no time nine constables appeared, all armed with truncheons, which caused no end of excitement and delight within the house.

After some consideration, Inspector Angove led Reginald and Mavis away (still steadfastly averting their eyes), since, in his judgement, their attempt to gain entry to the renowned Pink House was a calculated provocation.

We shall be following any further developments in this case.

TAI CHI CAN HELP KEEP YOU REGULAR!!

Gladys Nicholls (108) invites you and all other seniors to join her Tai Chi class in the Drift community centre on Tuesday evenings at 10.30 pm.

Having been instructed in this ancient art by no less a personage than "Chinky" Penhaligon of the Dung Po Golden Junk Restaurant in Penzance, Gladys is now ready to pass on her knowledge to pensioners in West Penwith.

Gladys swears by Tai Chi and her husband Gerald also swears a great deal.

The couple are passionate advocates of the generally restorative effects that Tai Chi has on the body and Gladys also maintains that it keeps her regular.

If you are thinking of joining but are not sure if you will be up to it, Gladys assures that all movements are slow, gentle and graceful and will not place any undue strain on the body.

She does, however, advise that dentures and any other artificial body pieces are removed before each session.  If you do hand over your dentures, you can be sure that you will get a pair back at the end of the session.

A thirty minutes session costs just £75, so hurry along.  There is a coach collection service for seniors between Drift and Relubbus.

POETRY CORNER

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

The celebrated Penzance poet (from Colinsey Road, Treneere) 'Odgo Semmens has composed the following rousing work, which we feel should be given the widest possible viewing. This astonishing work, which displays 'Odgo at his magisterial best, is styled simply and, in a characteristically Cornish way, "I aren't".

It has already been viewed by 1,789.654 people, who rate it as the greatest work ever written.

I Aren't

I aren't goin' in town today,
I aren't, coz I'm feelin' a bit queasy;
I aren't goin up Mum's tonight,
I aren't, coz my sister's too teasy.

I aren't gunna g'wovver Newlyn tonight,
I aren't, coz is too bleddy cold.
I aren't gunna g'wout with Liza no more,
I aren't, coz she's too bleddy old.

I aren't goin' to work in Kwop no more,
I aren't, coz I couldn' care less.
I aren't gunna say "no" to Mrs 'Ollis,
I aren't, coz she the fittest and best.

I aren't gunna say that I'm "English",
I aren't, coz is not bleddy true:
I aren't, coz I am bleddy Cornish,
And so, my bleddy friend, are you!

'Odgo

SHOCK DOUBLE LIFE OF TOLCARNE SCOUT LEADER REVEALED

The Roundup can bring you the startling news that one of Tolcarne's most popular and hitherto upstanding inhabitants - Mr Maurice "Hairclip" Metherell (32), a local butcher and favourite Scout leader - has been leading a double life.

Metherell, pictured here on the left in his Scout uniform,  is popular amongst the lads of the Tolcarne Scout group.
Whilst he can sometimes come across as effeminate, he has been most helpful to the boys in encouraging them to explore their 'feminine side' in true 21st century metrosexual style.

Under Metherell's leadership they were the first scout troop to develop skills in hairdressing and home-baking.
These early successes were quickly followed by tutelage and skills in manicure, spray tan and the arts of the air steward.

It therefore came as a huge surprise, when it was revealed that "Mr Metherell" was leading a second life as Miss Maude Pengelly (29) a freelance courtesan operating out of a caravan parked in a layby on the B3315 near the turning for Paul.

Advertising on the internet, Maude Pengelly secured suitors from as far away as Padstow ( a 'Mr Stone', a local chef).
Her undoing came when she received a visit  from a Mr 'John Smith', who turned out to be none other than Mr Willy Botheras (62) from Pendeen, the Cornish Chief Scout and a man well known to "Mr Metherell".

As neither party was wearing the strong glasses they both require, it took a minute or two before the penny dropped.

However, drop it surely did and, as they say in Sennen, the encounter ended "sooner'n it begun' in a scene of mutual embarrassment.
Tolcarne is now advertising for a new Scout leader and the Pengelly caravan was last seen heading for Padstow in a hurry.

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JOIN MARAZION METHODIST PADDLING CLUB!!

Love the sea, but can't swim?

Does standing in deep water make you want to 'go'?

Do you find the bathing costumes of today indecent?

We know the problem and we know how to deal with it at the Marazion Methodist Paddling Club (MMPC).

 At the MMPC:

• We don't wear indecent costumes.
• We don't go out into water more than four inches deep.
•  For safety reasons, we always take the waters in groups of no less than ten, one of whom is always attached by rope to a stout tree on shore.
• We start every paddling expedition with a rousing rendition of William Whiting's 'Eternal father strong to save' - No. 917 in the Methodist Hymn Book.

If you are 21 or over, you are welcome to join us at a cost of just £756 per season.

For this:

You will receive a 'certified decent' handknitted costume in which you can paddle.

You will receive an intensive  three week paddling safety course.

Thereafter you will be able to join us in safe paddling and song on Marazion beach!

CALLING PARENTS AND YOUNGSTERS EVERYWHERE!

FREE YOURSELVES FROM THE EVILS OF THE INTERNET

Now both parents and youngsters can have lots of modern up-to-date and care-free communication fun with the Methodist Morse Code and Radio Kit.

Using this radio, you will find that you can only listen  to wholesome family programmes from around the world.
The radio, which comes in a fetching and handy 3ft square walnut-effect box is pre-tuned  to receive only Methodist Radio Relubbus and ten other Methodist stations around the world (1 in Devon and the others elsewhere in Cornwall).

You can sing along with your favourite hymns and even listen to your own requests, if you sre lucky enough to have had them selected from the many hundreds of thousands that are sent in.

For the technically minded, there is a dial with which you can adjust the volume.  However, be careful!  You can only listen to this radio set with headphones (2 sets supplied) and you might damage your ears, if you turn the volume up too high.

Parents are advised to listen with their youngsters for the first couple of years until they can be sure that the volume dial is not being abused.

The really interesting feature is the Morse device, which will permit your youngster to communicate with other youngsters.  This is guaranteed to give them hours of good clean honest fun.

In view of the potentially addictive nature of this equipment, it is strongly recommended that parents strictly control and limit children's access to it.

Parents are advised not to let the youngster near the equipment until AFTER the homework has been done AND checked.

The Methodist Institute for Juvenile Physical and Mental Health recommends that all youngsters still wearing short trousers (i.e. under 21 years of age) should be permitted no more than 30 minutes fun before they return to the family Scrabble table of an evening.

FURORE AT RADIO RELUBBUS OVER CONTROVERSIAL NEWS DELIVERY

A right royal furore has broken out over plans at Radio Relubbus  to introduce a revolutionary news service to deliver the daily news in mime instead of via the spoken word.

The man at the centre of the storm is one Pierre Lello (24), a former hairdresser and airline steward, whose last and sadly unsuccessful business venture was the operation of a 24 hour emergency manicure consultancy for men.

Following the speedy demise of all his previous employment escapades, Pierre (who was born and known as Cyril Pascoe before he relaunched himself as a mime artiste) was desperately looking around for a job that would fully draw on his sensitive and artistic temperament.

Considering the matter with his civil partner, Rodney Rollocks (57), he hit upon the novel idea of delivering the radio  news in mime.  Pierre judged that this role would fully call on his capacity for grace and delicacy of movement.  Give his pronounced stutter, mime would remove any focus on the spoken word (of which there would be none) and transfer the entirety of listener attention to the "general drift of the news as expressed in  mime."

Mr Rollocks, who happened to be Diversity Director at Radio Relubbus, gave his partner every encouragement and, given his role at the radio, managed to procure the opportunity for Pierre to transmit the 6 o' clock news.

Unfortunately, mime does not lend itself well to the medium of radio.  All over Relubbus people were turning up their radios in a vain attempt to hear the news, which was being artistically, but silently, transmitted by Pierre.  Alas, no one could hear a thing.

When the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Councillor Billy Spargo (93) switched on his set to hear the news, he was infuriated firstly to hear nothing and then secondly to be told, on 'phoning up the radio station, that the news was being delivered in mime.

An exasperated Spargo declared "What a bleddy silly idea!  I kent bleeve it! What asshole thought that this was a good idea?!"

Both Mr Rollocks and Mr Lello have now had to speedily leave the employ of Radio Relubbus and are now seeking new career paths.

TREMBATH SORTS OUT THE BANKERS

GRUC Treasury Councillor, Clem Trembath (71) is cracking down on bankers' bonuses.

Trembath - pictured here at an "Eat a Whopper" pasty supper last week at Prospidnick Women's Institute - is a Methodist local preacher who has often been heard to rail against the excesses of Mammon.

The new round of bonuses set to sweep over Coinagehall Street - the renowned financial district in Relubbus just off fashionable Boswedden Lane - would see some £73 billion being shared out amongst the 15,000 investment bankers who work in 'Coinage City'.

This has been a cause of disquiet among many citizens of Relubbus, since it was the bankers who so recently caused the one and only financial crisis in Relubbus history, when imprudent lending and greed brought the banks to their knees, requiring hundreds of billions of Relubbus taxpayers' money to prop them up.

Picking up on the public mood, a recent full GRUC meeting, at which Mr Trembath spoke without notes and without pause for four hours, concluded that such bonuses were obscene and "the work of the divil."

In a subsequent shock statement to the financial press, Trembath announced that a special tax at a rate of 99.999% will be levied on the bonuses reducing the pool to a mere £730, which means that each banker will now receive just 5 pence each.

When the news was heard in Coinagehall Street, it did not go down very well at all. Some bankers even threatened to emigrate to England, where they said they could find work in the secondary financial centre of the City of London. This prompted the comment from the "Gland Old Man" of Relubbus politics, Councillor Billy Spargo himself:  "Sod off and good luck to you!"

The additional tax revenue - amounting to the best part of £73 billion - is to be split three ways between the Fund for Fallen Women in Sancreed, the Relubbus Club for Octogenarian Subaquatic Gymnastics and the Fund for Free Sunday School Treats for Methodist Children.

ADVERTISEMENT

Relubbus Furniture Store Sale - now in its 987th week!!!!

At RFS we have amazing offers instore, which give you 10 years interest-free credit with no payments for the first three years on desirable items such as:-

This hand-crafted wood-effect chair can be yours for as little as £15 - with nothing to pay for 3 years and interest free credit for an amazing 10 years!!

This amazing sofa - rendered in lasting plastique - can be yours to take home for just £34 - with absolutely nothing to pay for 3 years and with interest-free credit for an unbelievable 10 years!!

(Doris Treglown, our model, would like to point out that she has her own rates, which are available on request).

APPEAL FOR MISSING DOG

Supporters of a Mr Wallace - a baker and amateur politician from London - have launched an appeal to help find his missing dog, Gromit.

Mr Wallace, shown here in happier times, is absolutely bereft at the loss of his talented dog.  "He was like a brother to me", he said, amid floods of tears.

Mr Wallace is very attached to his hound and is said to rely on Gromit to help him keep his life in smooth running order.

Critics have said that, since Gromit jumped ship, Mr Wallace has come up with absolutely no ideas or, at best, only a few half-baked ones.

A sum of £13, a generous baker's dozen, will be the reward paid to anyone providing information on the whereabouts of Mr Wallace's dog, Gromit.

Gromit, pictured on the left, is instantly recognisable, since he has no mouth, which is quite unusual for a canine.

MORGAWR HERALDS AUSPICIOUS YEAR FOR CORNWALLl!!

The Morgawr has been sighted off Lands End and also at various points around Falmouth all this week.

Throughout Cornish history sightings of this fabled Cornish sea monster (pictured here in one of the earliest photographs from 1573) have always betokened auspicious events for the land of Kernow.

In particular, sightings of the so-called 'bespectacled Morgawr', which can grow up to 200 feet in length, are said to portend good things for the state of Relubbus.

This is perhaps just as well since 2011 is already shaping up to be an interesting year in which Relubbus begins to punch its full weight on the international stage.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (129) is back from his Christmas break, spent as usual in his luxury caravan (pictured) with his mother at Long Rock.

Fully relaxed after a week uninterrupted by international political considerations, he is now set on deploying the full economic and military might of Relubbus for the betterment of other nations.

First up in his sights is Russian Prime Minister and would-be gay pin-up, Vladimir Putin, whose crude old-style KGB bullying has blighted and stunted the post-Soviet development of Russia.

Putin is a crude crowbar autocrat, who curiously publishes semi-nude pictures of himself in a vain attempt to appeal to the members of the gay S&M scene of which he is so fond.

Putin has now drawn the opprobrium of all civilised nations for his Stalinist show trials of innocent mega-multibillionnaire Mikhail Khordokovsky, whose only crime was his refusal to bend before Putin.

Before being led back to his icy cell in Siberia, a defiant Khordokovsky called out that you can only get on in today's Russia if you are one of Putin's benders.

Spargo's first bold lightning strike was to expel all 295 Russian diplomats from Relubbus, to close down the embassy and to have the embassy site (pictured) bulldozed and turned into a mini-golf course for kiddies.

The dazed Russian diplomats were packed into Western National buses yesterday morning en route to Porthleven, where rowing boats awaited them for the long pull back to the port of St Petersburg.  The journey will take a little longer than normal as all the oars were removed from the boats.

The new mini-golf course was opened this morning by singing star, Roy Orbison.

In Moscow, a fleet of Ford Anglia Tenerifes whisked the 8 Relubbus diplomats away from Moscow and over the Finnish border before the Russians knew what was happening.

In a special move to punish Putin where it would hurt most, Spargo has also placed a Cornish travel embargo on the Putins.

The Russian Prime Minister and his wife Brian have a secret holiday dacha (now confiscated) in Toltuff Road, Penzance and like nothing better than to breeze up and down Market Jew Street, before entering their beloved Simpsons of Penzance, which has kitted them both out ever since Putin has had access to hard currency.

Spargo's second big international initiative is to announce that he has given the go ahead for the construction of a huge wooden bridge between Relubbus and Britanny.  This bold construction project will create the largest road and rail bridge in the world.  A photo of a much scaled down prototype is shown on the left.

In each direction there will be a 12 lane motorway  and four rail tracks.

At 10 mile intervals, there will be a motorway service island, each providing rest and retail opportunities for up to 10,000 cars and their occupants.  In Relubbus, the bridge will rise on what is now farmland next to Terminal 12 of the Relubbus International Airport.  In Britanny, it will come down at Landrellec beach.

The eye-catching bridge will rise quickly to a height of 400 feet so that shipping can easily pass underneath.

The sides of the bridge will be formed of embankments rising to a height of 60 feet and will be laid to lawns and gardens  so that no one gets dizzy at such a height. The embankments will also create a natural and comfortable bridge for wildlife to cross the channel in peace and quiet.

The roads and rail will be heated in winter so that they do not freeze and ducts will carry rainwater down to the sea through turbines, which will generate some of the power needed to run the services.

The rest of the power will be generated by wind turbines interspersed along the length of the bridge.

The building consortium of Oates & Trevaskis has stated that the work will commence in mid March and that it is expected to be fully completed by the end of April in time for the summer traffic.

The huge work force for this futuristic entirely wooden construction is said to include some 67 carpenters alone, together with two electricians and one plumber.

Contracts have been the subject of fierce competition, but we can announce that the winner of the hotly-contested hairdressing contract for the project has just been anounced to be Shelley's of St Just.

The ROUNDUP would like to wish all our readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR and we hope that both of them will enjoy good health and wealth the whole year through.

CHRISTMAS EDITION

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS!!!!

NADELIK LOWEN!!!!!

We bring you the latest Christmas news before you settle down for that special family fest that is Christmas.

Tas Nadelik overjoyed at finding lost reindeer!!

Christmas is the the busiest time of year for Tas Nadelik, or Father Christmas, and so you can imagine how dsitraught this kindly man was to discover that two of his reindeer had gone missing just when he needs them most.

Father Christmas gave us an interview at his top secret hideaway in the cold upper reaches of Mount Relubbus.

"This time o' year, I duh need tey reindeers morden ever! So when I 'eard they little ones - Poop and Fart - 'ad gone missin', I was beside meself, I kintellee!"

Thankfully, the two reindeer turned up at St Erth station, where they were found "walking around looking bewildered" by a Mr Charming and his girlfriend Alice.

Mr Charming, an unemployed prince from Goldsithney, remarked, "I took one look at they an' I knawed they wudden no cows -- particularly the one with they git 'orns!"

They queued for three hours in the telephone system of the Father Christmas Call Centre, on which they were reassured to be told how important their call was and given regular updates on which number in the queue their call was.  Eventually their call was taken by Madron Polglaze, a work experience elf, who informed Father Christmas.

Madron and his sister Demelza were then immediately despatched by Western National bus to pick up the errant reindeer and take them back to their stables on Mount Relubbus.

Mr Charming and Alice each received rich rewards in the form of a Father Christmas notebook and pencil, a yoyo, a wooden train, a jigsaw, a battery-operated nose-cleaner and a lunar-powered 3D radio in thanks for their sterling efforts.

Asked for a final comment, Father Christmas merely replied "Sum game, inna?!"

Knees Department Store Christmas mishap

Knees of Penzance are seeking a new Santa Claus to sit in their grotto after Elmer Trevains (57) of Botallack was found - and photographed -with a half-naked young lady (Tilly Bottrell, 19)  in his grotto last Thursday.

Tilly, who, according to her mother Brenda (52) is a bit simple ("tha's why we duh call she Tilly!"), pestered her mother to be allowed to go in to see Santa.

Says Brenda, "When she nevver come out after affenour, I wen in there to see wass goin' on".

A shocked Mrs Bottrell then told the Roundup - and PC Polkinghorne, who attended - that when she entered she saw her daughter in a state of undress on Mr Trevains' knee.

Quick as a flash, she whipped out her mobile and took the picture on the left so that Trevains could not deny the event.

PC Polkinghorne then marched off Trevains on a charge of molestation of a simple person.

Knees are now urgently seeking a replacement Santa Claus and jobsekers who feel up to the demanding role - and have no criminal record - are asked to present themselves tomorrow morning at 9.00 am at the store in Market Jew Street in Penzance.

Oates provides Christmas fun for Kiddies

RC Oates, the well-known and much-revered mega-multibillionnaire and philanthropist has this year once again dug deep to lay on Christmas fun for poorer children.

Mr Oates, shown here on the left, is a kindly cheery man, who is often likened to Dickens' Mr Brownlow.

He has accordingly laid on a programme of festive fun for all the children of Relubbus at the renowned Relubbus Panopticon Theatre.

Tickets will cost £15, but - if you can demonstrate that you are poor  (by, for example, having a Body Mass Index of less than 3 or by wearing no shoes) - the Oates Foundation  will cough up 37 pence per poor child, meaning that each poor child will only have to pay £14 and 63 pence to gain entry.

When questioned about the force that drives this unparalleled philanthropy, Mr Oates just smiles his well-known enigmatic and kindly smile  and speeds off in his brand new top-of-the-range S-class Mercedes to seek out further outlets for his uncontrollable philanthropic outpourings.

He has decided upon an improving entertainment programme for the children, which kicks off with an hour of Medleys on Mandolin from Giacomo and Umberto Trembath. 

The children will recognise some of the songs, particularly "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" , which is the last number, and will be expected and encouraged to join in with lusty singing.

The next act is a novelty act performed by Bersaba and Morwenna Penhaligon, two sisters who were brought up speaking no other langauge but Kernewek.

The two sisters have perfected a brilliant stand-up routine in Middle Cornish, which they deliver interspersed with delightful bursts of Cornish song. This lasts for two hours and is guaranteed to both entertain and educate the kiddies.

The final hour is taken up with Idris the Indicator from Newlyn.

This talented performer entertains the audience with the adroit use of his dexterous digit, which he uses to 'indicate' various objects.

The first child to correctly guess the object indicated is rewarded with a hard-boiled sweet.

The game continues with the sweet always being passed on to the next correct guesser. 

It is amazing that even after an hour of exciting games with the sweet being passed from one mouth to another it is still the same size as when it was first fished out of Idris's pocket.

Where it comes from is a closely guarded secret - the everlasting secret.  Idris will only let on that it comes from Newlyn and that "youkun get loads o' them there in diffrunt sizes!"

The editor would like to wish all readers set to enjoy roast badger, as he is, a most flavoursome Christmas!

SPECIAL BILLY SPARGO EDITION

This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope. 

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.