Artist, poet, and musician Chebney Quistle speaks to the Roundup
The Relubbus Roundup will be running a series of "big name" interviews and, to launch the series, is proud to be able to publish an interview between none other than Renaissance man, Chebney Quistle (64), and star Roundup reporter, Loveday Liddicoat (34). As Mr Quistle is resident near Vaduz, Lichtenstein, Ms Liddicoat availed herself of the new Western National Bus Services from Relubbus to Vaduz Station, taking a day return saver ticket at the incredible price of only £4 15s 3d.
Mr Quistle, an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall, has through his numerous paintings, musical compositions, prose and poetry written to the glory of Cornwall, made himself dear to many a true Cornishman.
He came to live in Boskednan near New Mill as a young man of 23 back in 1932. He acquired his great love of the Cornish natural world by walking in the hills around his new home.
It was only the dark clouds of scandal that forced him to move abroad, following the alleged incident in a field near Heamoor two years ago. However, despite lengthy painstaking investigations by both police and the RSPCA, no charges were ever brought against Mr Quistle and, indeed, milk yields in that particular herd went up and not down...
Although he chose to remain a confirmed bachelor, Chebney was a very keen participant in many aspects of local life. He was an officer in the Boys' Brigade and a leader in the Scouts and could always be relied upon when it came to taking boys away to camp. He was also a Choirmaster at his local Church, spending extra time with the owners of his treble voices to ensure the piping quality of their performance.
However, the bulk of his time was spent with the brush or the pen or with his beloved xylophones.
Pictured on the left is Chebney's most famous (and valuable) painting, entitled My House. It cost him some 8 months of tortured work and perfectly captures the atmosphere of Boskednan in the early 1830s, when he first came to live there. This great work was purchased at a price of some £55 for the Tate by Sir Richard Branson, who was a great friend and admirer of Chebney before the incident in Heamoor.
Leaving his very considerable achievements with the brush aside, Chebney was a maestro with the pen and is acknowledged to be one of the greatest English poets.
His poem I am is reckoned to be one of the finest statements of the human spirit in print.
I am -- I am what it is to be,
Because I am what it is to feel.
So ask, please, no more of me!
Ask ye no hedgehog, ask ye no eel!
Just ask Elizabeth to show you -- her spot!
That tender centre of her innermost being --
That is a wonder to behold and not to share!
Brake markings on my underpants --
They are proof of my being there!
They will fade, as do all marks of human kind,
But when fresh, they are proof to the curious nose.
There are, grant you, prettier things -- like daffodils;
Like wandering trees on distant hills:
They summon up images of years gone by,
And of happy peoples whose smiles are no more.
I tire of musing and must close down
Or we will both wear your worried frown.
So go now away and leave me alone,
To play my wondrous Xylophone!
This phenomenally great work was purchased by Roman Abramski for the Russian Nation at a price of 76 billion roubles in 1995.
Chebney was never happier that when playing on his Xylophone. His favourite work, which he played for hours on end, was The three mice, who couldn't see! Like all great works, this too was subject to much plagiarism -- a popular version of it now circulating as "The three blind mice".
The Star Interview went as follows:
Loveday Liddicoat: "Mr Quistle, I do not wish to embarrass you, but could you tell us in your own words just what was happening in that field in Heamoor?"
The great man: " You little bugger! You...you....you....". Gasping for breath," You....". Eyes swimming, he then expired. Since no further words came from the great man, we must let his works alone speak for him.
STAR INTERVIEW: CHEBNEY QUISTLE
SCIENCE TRANSFORMS MORAL CLIMATE
Renowned Relubbus recluse Ronnie Rosewarne, often known as the "King of Christian Science", has released details of a powerful new tool that he has designed to help improve the moral fibre of Relubbus.
Professor Rosewarne is shown here on the left in the most recent photograph we have of this most private and elusive individual. The photo was taken back in the 1920s, when Professor Rosewarne had slipped out of his cottage to go to Trevaskis stores to buy a jar of his much-beloved Bovril. Since then, this intensely shy man has managed to avoid all photographers. His primary point of contact with the outside world is via his cleaning lady for the past 60 years, Miss Ethel Tregonning (86).
Despite his advanced years -- Professor Rosewarne is now 116 years old -- his brain remains as acutely sharp and fertile as ever it was. His latest offering to the world is little short of being a marvel -- for he has invented a "mind washing machine". As this proud Cornishman and fiercely fundamentalist Methodist himself sums it up, "There are far too many people walkin' roun' with dirty thoughts. My machine will wash they dirty thoughts clean out o' their minds".
Pictured on the left is the sort of helmet that Professor Rosewarne believes everyone in Relubbus should be wearing. The device does not impair breathing very much and permits near normal vision. When the wearer entertains impure or improper thoughts, he or she will immediately be subjected to very high pressure and very high temperature jets of water, which will pierce the skull and "clean up" any dirty thoughts in the head.
Speaking through his mouthpiece to the world, Miss Tregonning, Professor Rosewarne is at pains to point out that the device has gone through the most extensive testing. He has tried out the device on his two laboratory mice -- Jago and Clemo -- by showing them rather racey and saucey photos of Sue Barker from the Radio Times, whilst they were wearing scaled-down versions of the device. He states that he clearly saw the evil thoughts being expunged from the mice in the gentle smoke that was emitted from their bodies as they died.
The announcement has caused great excitement in the religious world, attracting considerable interest and advance orders (in the millions) from fundamentalists all over the world, including the Bible belt in the US, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Afghanistan, as well as personal orders from a Mr G. Bush in the White House, a Mr Ahmed Dinner-Jacket in Iran, a Mr Oskar Bin Liner in Pakistan, and a Mr L. Shark in Cornwall.
WARSPITE WRECK DISCOVERED
By stand-in reporter Horton Tregarthen
Recent photo of the Warspite taken from a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight to Mousehole heliport
It had always been understood, and indeed, even reported back in the 1950s in the pages of that lesser journal, the Cornishman, that scrap metal from the wreck of HMS Warspite had been stored at the Albert Quay in Penzance, and later transferred to various steelworks. Now, in a shock revelation, it has emerged that this was nothing but a ghost story.
Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) workers have today let slip that they found the "wreck" intact in a secret location near Prussia Cove when they were down there helping GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, put a "lick o' paint" on his 500-odd holiday chalets.
They seemingly came across the ship beached in an inaccessible cove on land owned by Mr Spargo. They were overheard by a Roundup roving reporter discussing the find amongst themselves next to Trevaskis's Mobile Croust van.
When the reporter confronted Councillor Spargo with both the story and with a photo taken on a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight, he had no option but to come clean.
His father had "acquired and parked" the vessel in the cove and had told the young Billy, "'Ere boy, if ay 'ave a bit o' trouble you can bring 'er out of mothballs to elp ay".
It was Billy's intention to do just this at a significant moment in the development of hostilities between Relubbus and Hayle. Assisted by a few hand-picked men, he intended to sail the newly re-named Pride of Relubbus, together with vital assistance from the flagship of the Liechtenstein Navy, round Land's End to the Hayle estuary and then "blaw they there Hayle buggers off the face o' the earth. And our first shot will be at that damn viaduct of theirs!"
"The calm before the Storm" -- a quiet scene at the Hayle viaduct which is soon to be targeted by the newly formed Relubbus Navy
A spokesman at Devonport naval base, Sir Cloudsley Shovel, today stated that if Billy Spargo wishes to return the ship "then we won't take the matter any further".
However, with the nameplates now changed all over the ship, Billy believes that an impossible burden of proof now lies with the British Royal Navy, if it were to seek to assert ownership.
ODGO SEMMENS' NEW VERSE
By Poetry correspondent Alice Chirgwin-Jacka
'Odgo Semmens (79) the celebrated Cornish poet and author of the now globally-renowned and treasured poems I aren't and Walking in West Penwith, has, under unrelenting pressure from the crowds besieging his home in Colinsey Road, Penzance, released a further work, Penzance Childhood, which seem set to seal his reputation as one of the greatest living poets in Colinsey Road.
Penzance Childhood
Alverton, Gwavas, Penalverne, Treneere
I d'knaw all they places -- they are to me so dear.
First of all there was Susan and then cum Denise
As fresh as a daisy an' clear as sea breeze.
An' then there was "Mental" and my best friend, Tren --
We got into some scraps, but we got out again.
Gone down Newlyn Coombe, when we boys were out scrumpin'
Out come the farmer with his bleddy gun pumpin'.
We 'ad fun in them days -- good laughs, no real crime;
But we've passed 'n all by on the river of time.
I'm glad that I'm 'ere -- it's the right place to be;
Proper for Cornish folk -- like you and me.
'Odgo
LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE FOR HAYLE
ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE
by motoring correspondent Denzil Flatt
R.C. Oates Automotive Industries today proudly announced the opening of their NEW LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE in Hayle. The centre is designed to deal exclusively with Aston Martins, Lamborghinis, Porches, and Landsharks -- owners of other makes need not apply. Each service, performed entirely by hand with loving care, is expected to take approximately 9 months, followed by a "running in period" of 29 weeks. Not surprisingly, there is already a waiting list of 2 years.
R.C.O.A.I., owned by Relubbus multi-billionaire R.C. Oates, has long sought to expand its business interests into the People's Republic of Hayle, which it sees as one of the planet's fastest-developing economies.
In recent months, R.C.O.A.I has lost ground to its arch-rival Trevaskis Motors, which has enjoyed spectacular successes with its Landshark series of luxury cars. It is widely acknowledged that Trevaskis Motors' success has been due in no small measure to its possession of a state-of-the-art fabrication and servicing plant in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance. R.C.O.A.I.'s acquisition of the Hayle site is seen as an attempt to catch up -- though whether it will build cars at Hayle remains to be seen.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!
MARY POPPINS
starring JULIE ANDREWS and DICK VAN DYKE
1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.
NEWS IN BRIEF
By staff reporter Rendell Janner
TRENGWAINTON LIONS A ROARING SUCCESS!
The 4,500 lions let loose in the Joachim Von Ribbentrop Memorial Gardens at Trengwainton have proved to be enormously popular with local visitors.
Pictured here on the left is Lizzie Polglaze (67) in a photograph taken seconds before the "horrific incident". Miss Polglaze, who has worked on the till in Beares' butchers on the Parade, Penzance, since she was a girl of 16, was so excited to be riding the lion that she unfortunately wet herself.
The unexpected release of warm liquid so discomfited the lion that it turned on its hapless rider and, with others from the "Pride of Trengwainton", made a rather messy but speedy meal of Miss Polglaze. Trying to look on the bright side, Ethel Bolitho (72), Lizzie's best friend, said "Least she wen' out doin' sumthin' 'xcitin'. She'll be sum pleased 'bowt that -- she never 'ad a man."
SOCIETY WEDDING IN SANCREED
A crowd of several thousand Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people gathered outside the Methodist Chapel in Sancreed for the occasion of the biggest society wedding there in the past two weeks. Mecca bingo caller Billy Penhaligon (35) married his childhood love, famous local transsexual Zeke (now Tamsin) Trewelah (34), a pigherd of Trebothick farm, Sancreed.
Billy commented, "I 'ave luvved 'un since we wuz knee 'igh an' I'm still fond ov un even though ee's now a maid!"
The blushing, and captivatingly beautiful, bride echoed these sentiments in her post-operative though still strikingly bass voice, "I kent wait to get ee 'ome - come on neow, my lover!"
The happy couple will live in a none-up, one-down in Tregavarah.
The presiding minister, the Reverend Methuselah Bugley (55), originally from West Yorkshire, when questioned about the unusual nature of the wedding he had just celebrated, merely commented cryptically, "There's nowt so queer as folk!"
THE MAESTRO PASSES ON! 
Sixty three minutes silence was held on Tuesday in Newlyn to mark the surprise passing of Caleb Retallack (119), who died of exertion on the night of his wedding to his 8th wife, Rachel Trengenza (19).
Mr Retallack had, for a long time, been a champion and patron of the arts in Newlyn. A founder member and major funder, for many years, of the world famous Newlyn Underwater String Quartet, he devoted himself to the support and development of musical traditions of all sorts in Newlyn, being particularly fond of musically arranged eructations.
He also founded the Newlyn School of Female Body Art (19-20), which concerns itself with drawings, sketches and paintings rendered on the naked bodies of young women aged between 19 and 20 .
It is perhaps no co-incidence that his young bride Rachel, pole-dancing champion of Parc Wartha Estate, was one of the models at the School. His entire estate passes to Rachel.
R.C. OATES -- HOW THE EMPIRE STARTED!
Many people have often wondered just how R.C. Oates, the Relubbus mega-multi-billionnaire, made all his money. Now the Roundup can present a hitherto unseen picture of the great man in his earliest years, which sheds some light on this question.
Pictured here outside his garden shed -- which was later destined to become his flagship store in Relubbus -- R.C. Oates is shown as a young lad of 15 about to set off on his bike to deliver home-made Bovril-flavoured condoms to an eager Relubbus public.
Famed throughout West Cornwall as the man who can sell anything, this photo was taken by his mother, Mrs Temperance Oates, shortly before she too was sold to an Arabian slave-trader.
In short -- even as a schoolboy -- the young Oates was already displaying the entrepreneurial flair which was to power his ascent to the dizziest heights of capitalist success.
