DUKE OF CORNWALL - NOW OF RELUBBUS?

Relubbus watchers around the world have been intrigued to hear of the preparations being made by the Duke of Cornwall (shown left) and his wife (the famous and luscious Lily Nichols look-alike) in their intent to move lock stock and barrel to "an ordinary housing estate".

They are, in fact, to move to the notorious Bramangath Estate, in Relubbus.

We are able to publish a picture of the sumptuous property they are said to have acquired.  It boasts a front door with a much sought-after porch area and a durable plastic doorbell, playing "Goin up Cambern 'ill comon' down".  Not only this, but it also has a fully functional door knocker.  The luxurious accommodation (three bedrooms and two inside toilets!!) includes a back door giving out on to the extensive grounds of a 30-foot garden, currently laid to waste.

Notwithstanding the fact that the property has the benefit of  a garage, the front garden has been turned to hard standing so as to be easily capable of accommodating the many expected and frequent guest cars.

To make the journey easier still for guests of the Duke to call in, the Roundup has discovered that the Gwavas Estate bus will be especially diverted to call at this new stop, which will be known as 'Lily's Corner' in honour of the woman Camilla most closely resembles.

Despite the huge influence and unparalleled reach of this celebrated publication, even we have not - yet - been able to secure pictures of the inside of the house, but we have have been able to note all the top class advisers and artisans who have been calling at this soon-to-be-famous semi-detached property.

Heamoor fine artist, interior designer, society hostess, pipe aficionado and accomplished drag artist, Nigel Trewern (31) has been responsible for the choice and fitting of all internal soft furnishings. 

Nigel said, over a calming pipe of Dunghill's Morning Mixture:

  "I bin given a budget o' £17.35 fer all the curtains. Wi' that kinamoney, I jes' gone bleddy mad and adda spendout! 

Iss sum bleddy smart in there neow, I kintellee!"

The house has been fitted with three toilets (two of which are inside!).  With an eye to the Duke's concern for disdvantaged minorities, the selected plumber is 28 years old controversial Lariggan Lesbian Communist, Leslie 'Lezzer' Lesnoweth.

This queen o' the pipes' has personally tested all three toilets and found them capable of dealing with anything nornal-sized the ducal duo can put down there.

Leslie will be on 24 hour call to deal with any toilet emergencies as they might arise.  Whilst she is reluctant to disclose the sum she will receive for this high-end service cover by way of retainer, it is rumoured that a figure close to £14.99 per month might well be near the mark!

To draw attention to the problems of child poverty and exploitation head-on, the Duke has elected 'pour encourager les autres' to employ a child as maid-of-all-work. 

Twelve years old Vanessa Trembath will be on duty in the house from 4.30 am until 1.00 am every day. However, she will have a half day free on Sunday March 21st 2032.

This, as Camilla herself declared, will give the poor girl something to look forward to, as she will not be paid.

The Duke's staffing arrangements have also taken full account of the burgeoning West Penwith gay community. 

He has chosen Darren 'Bunty' Behenna to be his butler , the 62-year-old outspoken chairperson of the All-Cornwall LGBT Canasta Club.

Bunty has designed his own fetching pink uniform and has promised to bring a really classy sparkle to all proceedings at the Bramangath house.

This will be particularly the case on Tuesday nights when the Duchess "duh 'ave 'er mates roun' fer wunna they posh Canasta, fags an' brown ale parties!"

The Roundup will return to embellish this 'coup' story with further details as they emerge.

SPARGO SCORES COMMERCIAL SUCCESS AGAIN FOR CORNWALL!!!

Grand Councillor Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) (pictured left) has once again negotiated a phenomenal trade deal for the benefit of Relubbus and Cornwall in general.

The idiosyncratically scented 107 year old GRUC leader has been holding secret negotiations with Mr Hu Jintao, the sprightly young 68 year old former Hayle take-away assistant manager and now Paramount Leader of the People's Republic of China, in a private room at the Fountain Inn at Newbridge.

International commentators have cynically suggested  that wily Spargo had deliberately selected the Fountain to host the secret talks so that Mr Hu would fall under the bewitching spell of the legendarily pulchritudinous landlady of the said pub.

Regardless of his motive in choosing this venue, there is  no doubt as to the stupendous outcome of the talks.  The intense 5 day negotiations continued day and night without a break  and were only interrupted when the landlady walked in with fresh pasties and beer, at which point Mr Hu ceased talking and stared in drop-jawed silence at the vision of beauty bringing in the much-needed sustenance.

  After "5 long days of 'ard talkin'", the pair emerged blinking into the rainy daylight and announced the conclusion of a landmark trade deal, which will have major repercussions in both China and Cornwall.

The Chinese have won the right to build 3,500 Chinese restaurants throughout Cornwall.  The chain will be called "The Big Wong" and will come under the inspired leadership of Beizhing-appointed supremo Mr Fu Manchu.

Mr Manchu will be based at a caravan in Prospidnick, which has been generously donated by Mr Spargo himself for just a small annual rent of £50,000.

An excited Mr Manchu, who has not been let out of China before, said, "I got all da big ideas, wot make Chinee restaurant velly good. We take out advertising on Radio Cornwall, wot say ,"It wight to come to Wong!"

The primary result of the tough negotiations with Mr Hu Jintao is that every Chinese person must eat one imported Cornish pasty every week.  Smiling confidently, Mr Spargo stated that this would give a significant boost to the Cornish pasty industry, requiring it to produce around 1.3 billion pasties per week.

Cornwall has also won the right to open, using generous Chinese state aid,  a 'Proper Job' Cornish Pasty shop in every Chinese town with a population above 500.  In a concession to local pronounciation, the chain will be known as 'Plopper Job'.

Mr Hu was overjoyed at the success of the deal.  At the press conference held in the soggy rain in the pub courtyard, he invited Mr Spargo to attend the opening of the Grand Chinese Expo in Shanghai.

Mr Spargo replied that the invitation was a great honour.  He also stated that his busy diary would sadly not permit him to attend.

On the Monday, he had to "g'wup Treliske to see the doc' 'bout my leg."

On the Tuesday, he was due in Marazion to see his fancy lady on the sly and to open a new Scout hut.

On the Wednesday, he had his rehearsals with the Relubbus Centenarian Black and White Minstrels.

On the Thursday,  he had to open a Particle Physics Conference in Richmond Methodist Church Sunday School.

On the Friday, he was due "ovver Noolin fer the annual Gay fishermen's nude banquet".

Visibly impressed with Mr Spargo's busy schedule, Mr Hu Jintao accepted that it would be some time before Mr Spargo could make it over to China.

Then, waving his farewell, he stepped into the Nippy Cab, generously part-paid for by the State of Relubbus, which whisked him away to Penzance Railway Station, so that he could commence his long journey back home.

RELUBBUS ROUNDUP APRIL CLASSIFIEDS

BARGAIN CORNER (call Relubbus 56324 and the box number!)

Arabic Scrabble game - almost complete.  Yours for a fiver. (Box 6)

Second hand genital piercing jewellery available.  Job lot £78.  Washed in hot water and good as new. (Box7)

Grandpa's hearing aids - all twelve of them - only £50 (Box 8)

Beautiful-looking Upright Piano - a real bargain at £5 - no strings attached. (Box 9)

Ford Anglia wing mirror, glass slightly broken so reduced price of £24.99 (Box 10)

Child's blue plastic sandal for left foot -size 5.  Strap in perfect condition and fully functional.  Suggest use for child who likes to hop.  Only £18 (Box11)

Sat Nav, which operates in Cornish voice with strong St Just accent only.  Only covers Cornwall, but dead hot on all the B roads.  £757 (Box12)

Empty cardboard box with generous size of 2ft by 2 ft.  No limit to what you can put in it, provided you do not exceed the overall size stated .  Stuffed with £20 notes it would be very valuable indeed, but you can have it for just £50.  Comes complete with full operating instructions!! (Box 12)

Goods and services

We will high-pressure clean your drive or path!  Also we will undertake enemas and colonic irrigation!  You supply the power and the water and we will do the rest to our best!  Call Madron and Billy Dodekahedron on Gulval 568321.

It's double dread time!  Both the UK political season and the hay fever season!  How will you cope??!! Don't worry! Turn to Monty Batt of Newbridge!  His hay fever remedies (available at just £37 a course!!) are known and respected as far away as Marazion.  

Now he has altered the formula to deal with other aggravating ailments, such as irritation about immigration in general or something as specific as anger about the prolific ubiquity of Polish plumbers!  One pill can take care of the hay fever AND Polish plumber syndrome!!   All this for just £5 extra!  Don't delay.  Call Monty on Newbridge 542912!

Never say "Ere speakup, I kentearee!" again!  You can buy your own Ennis Ear Trumpet!  Ennis ear trumpets have been used by the best all over the world, including Lenny the Lion, Mr Pastry, recent Prime Minister Anthony Eden and South African tearaway, Nelson Mandela.  Now you can own an Ennis Ear Trumpet for just £15,675.  Ennis of Ludgvan on 561265.

Lovely Ladies' Lingerie in Lime-Green Leatherette handcrafted to fit you perfectly by Heamoor's Mr Plastic, Dougie Pender.  Heamoor 457291.  "I promise - you will never feel the same again!!"
Calling all Gardeners!  Your plants will respond to the elixir of life -- Farmyard manure!!!  Show off in front of your neighbours - let them see what you've got!.  I will drop off a tractorload of the best and freshest farmyard manure in your front garden for just £95 a go.  Be the envy of your neighbours with a your own manure heap.  Call Jimmy Trevains on Bosavern 543621.

Skilled Cabinet maker available to undertake commissions of all sorts in the wood of your choice.  I am also happy to undertake breast enhancements and reductions. 'Phone Len Behenna on Newlyn 92741.

Japanese electric teeth whiteners.  Simply attach wire from mains to teeth and switch on and Hey Presto White Teeth!  Buy with confidence from Long Rock Import/Export company (No convictions).  Long Rock 674562.

Defrocked, but kindly, priest sells cut-price indulgences with free 5 minute confession session.  Anything forgiven for the right price (from £300 upwards).  Sorry, no credit.  Guarantee given that information gained will NOT be used in blackmail.  'Phone Father Opie on Hayle 83421.

Ladies!  Keen foot fetishist will wash your feet for free! 'Phone  Pierre Le Pied on Heamoor 56739.

Teeth missing? No problem, but a great opportunity!  Get fitted with new teeth made from Cornish tin handcrafted for you by ex-train driver and all-round handyman Dicky Polkinghorne.  Don't hesitate - it's only £.3.99 per tooth, so call Dicky drekkly on Madron 659234.

EUROVISION 2010: SOME SONGS, SOME HOPES!

Here the Roundup reviews some of the entries in this year's ever popular Eurovision Song Contest.

ISRAEL

Some people are confused that Israel should be taking part in a European competition, as it is a little bit like Ireland competing in the Pan-African Games.

However, this year those perplexed people are set to become even more confused.  This year the Israeli entry in this song competition is - mystifyingly - a mime act!

Yes, the biggest surprise of all in the 2010 Eurovision Song Contest is the entry from Israel, the gay mime act "Contortions", featuring Shlomo Weiszman (48) and his young friend, Mordecai Grudz-Already-Yet-Still (21).

This hugely talented pair, a mime act from downtown Jaffa, has attracted record crowds at bus stops all over Israel with their compelling representations - performed entirely in mime - of great political events, of great songs and of great instrumental music.

They are hoping to win this year with their frankly frenetic mime representation of Stravinsky's Firebird.

BELGIUM

Belgium can always be relied upon to give a good entertaining performance in Eurovision, having come second in the competition on 24 occasions.  It will be no different his year with the entry of the lady who is coming to be known as Belgium's Blonde Beauty (BBB).

From de Kerkstraat in Dikkelvenne comes mistress of the Belgian triangle, Veerle van Nagelmakkers (18).  Veerle is not only the most accomplished triangle player to have emerged from Dikkelvenne in the past few months, she has also found the time to become a fully qualified pubic hairdresser.

In her spare, she breeds long-haired hamsters and is an avid follower of well-known (in Belgium) soaps such as the gripping 'Wittekerke' and the sometimes raunchy 'Thuis'.  In fact, Veerle thinks she looks just like Femke in the TV show.

She will be giving her 47 minute rendition of the classic Flemish favourite 'De Vlaamse Muis' accompanying herself on her trusty treble triangle.

GERMANY

Hot from the Hamburg club scene comes Germany's surprise ladyboy entry "Die Nussknacker", made up of Guido Schlampe (27), Bodo Heisspumpe (27) and Udo Nagellack (27).

The trio are all sheet metal workers in the same company, where they discovered that they all shared an interest in developing their feminine side.

Meeting up after work for pamper sessions, they also made the happy discovery that they shared a love of singing - or, rather, yodelling.  They began to work up a yodelling routine, which they tried out at their favourite haidresser's in Hamburg, Marco's (a subsidiary of the 'The Male Company' in Hayle).

Gushing in unison (with only the faintest yodel in the voice) the likely lads trilled "Effrevun sought zat ve vere vunderful, darlink!"  They went on to conquer the clubs and then mainstream television with ease in their own show "Boys und Ladies".

The lads will be yodelling for Germany in the coming contest, but will be singing in English in their own composition dedicated to the German Chancellor "I vunt a haircut like Angela!"

UNITED KINGDOM

Desperate to win again, the UK is pinning all its hopes on the man from Relubbus, Benny Bolitho and his Big Banjo.

Benny was originally a Pendeen man and has been charming audiences up and down Cornwall as a well-known and much-loved act for the past fifty years.

From his pictures, people always assume that Benny is playing an outsize banjo.  It is only when they meet him that they realise that the banjo is of a normal size and that it is Benny, who is a bit on the small side.

Using this fact to his advantage, Benny has made a perfectly good living over the years as a mobile garden gnome.  He is also further blessed in that he has, as the Cornish would say, "gotsum voice onun, abnuh?"

Accompanying himself on his banjo, Benny will be deploying his bewitchingly tuneful falsetto voice to give a rendition of the classic Cornish favourite 'Lil' Lize'.

As people in the Greenmarket in Penzance were saying only yesterday "Benny'll walk un easy!"

TOILETS OF NOTE IN RELUBBUS

Relubbus is rightly famed for the grandeur, the inspired innovative flourishes and exceeding beauty of its many institutions.  Who, therefore, could be surprised that Relubbus excels also in the novel freshness of its approach to the provision of public conveniences - or 'toyluts' as they are known in Relubbus.

The Roundup is aware that many of of our numerous international visitors may be unaware  of these hidden gems of the state of Relubbus and we accordingly feature some of them in this issue.

The first and foremost to be mentioned must be the one which is most closely linked with the notion of expeditious dispensation of justice in Relubbus - namely the judges' seats in the Relubbus High Courts.

The Judicial Seat

Mindful that lawyers are always tempted to speak at length and never use one word where they can get away with a two hour discourse, the Relubbus Justice Commission has introduced new rules.

All those appearing before the judges are required to eat a hearty meal and to consume plenty of liquids beforehand.  Once in court, they cannot leave for any reason at all before final judgement is given.

Owing to the build-up of natural bodily pressures - particularly as a result of the addition of laxatives to all food and drink available on the court premises - the lawyers are far less tempted to spin it out.
In fact, many of them are quite desperate to finish quickly before those inevitable accidents occur, which give rise to immediate hefty judicial fines.

Even the judges are not allowed to leave the court until the business is done.  However, a quick look behind the judges' benches reveals that they are not under the same pressure as everyone else in the court.  Each judge now sits on a special 'judging toylut', tenderly crafted and hand finished by Messrs Bollock and Bolitho of Ponsanooth.

Members of the public can also now buy a 'judge's toylut', but interested purchasers should be aware that these fine but functional works of art cost a hefy £103.45.

The Beachbum Special

Visitors to Cornish beaches will have noticed that they are now equipped with open air toyluts.  The open air rapidly disperses any smells and the pipework carries away all the effluent underneath the sand ('hygiene' is the watchword here!) a good few feet out to sea.

As toilet seats are often held to be a potential source of germs, the makers have very cleverly got around this problem by the simple expedient of not fitting any seats to these toilets.  One simply parks one's bum directly on to the porcelain, which itself is regularly washed clean, some say perfumed, by the frequent soft Cornish rain.

Paper can be purchased from the beach shop or lifeguard, if there is one.   During the winter time, users are expected to bring their own paper.

The Water Closet

More and more Cornish beaches now also offer floating toyluts.  It has sadly come to the eye-level attention of surfers and bathers that some sea users think nothing of urinating directly into the sea - or even worse.

Thus the 'floating toylut' was developed to help put and end to this absolutely disgusting practice.  Swimmers suddenly caught by the urge now have no excuse.  They can simply clamber aboard and then sit in comfort until their business is done.

Again, with hygiene to the fore, a pressurised pipe carries the effluent right all the way down to the sea bottom or, at least, to the end of the five foot pipe.

The Tourist's Friend

It has happened to us all.  We are on holiday in some foreign place and are then desperate to go.  We disappear off into a toilet and then, when our urgent needs have been met,  we re-emerge to discover that our group, family or friends have moved on.

That is where the Tourist's Friend's Toylut comes into its own!  You can see out and everyone else can see in!  There is no chance of getting lost.

What is more, your friends will not only know where you are but, with this marvellous toylut, also be able to see just how well you are doing and when you will be out!

Just think of the tourist snaps you will be able to take.

We have told you here about just four of the innovative toilets to be found hereabouts.  But that is not the end of the story.
Next time we will tell you about the 'high wire toylut', the 'trampoline toylut' and the 'upside down toylut', which are just three of the star attractions at the brand new TOYLUT Theme Park in Relubbus.

NEW BOOK, NEW AUTHOR

Popular Penzance prostitute, Kelly Killigrew (39), whose acute commercial sense led her to develop an initiative, "the price ladder", which has subsequently been gratefully copied by hundreds of professional ladies from St Buryan to right up to Camborne, has decided to branch out into writing.

For those unfamiliar with the price ladder, Kelly - no slouch when to comes to bargains - quickly twigged than when you offer pensioners '70% off' and the unemployed '50% off', you can protect your earnings by not disclosing 'off what' and still coin in the full sum - or even more.

However, now still with almost half her own teeth and free from disease at the last check just 19 years ago, Kelly, thinking of the future, has decided that, with gravity now beginning to pull its not inconsiderable weight, it is now time to carve out and develop a new career.

She has thus turned to writing and has conceived of the idea of penning a history of Notable Courtesans of West Penwith.

Despite this new departure, as she says herself, "I aren't givin up the scrubbin' completely.  I duh still do it, but I duh do the writin' in between like."   Thus she can often be viewed pacing up and down Parade Street with a notebook in her hand, furiously scribbling away in between rushed visits to the bushes of nearby Morrab Gardens in the company of 'reg'lars'.

Billy Curnow Publications of Adelaide Street, Penzance has snapped up the chance to take on this new local author. Says proprietor, Billy Curnow, "I wuz persuaded by the regal prose o' this queenathu pros and by the 50% off she gimme fer 6 weeks!"   Clearly, he hadn't heard of the price ladder.

With Kelly's kind permission we are taking just a brief look at some of the historical local talent she is featuring in her book.

On the left are the legendary so-called 'Eight Sirens of Sennen'.

They are, from the left, Lizzie Kelynack (16), Seline Hichens (17), Gracie Beckerleg (19), Alice Chirgwin (22), Sarah Jago (21), Aggie Curnow (27), Lavinia Lutey (24), and their captain and surprisingly agile yet one-legged star, Liza Cargeeg (29).

Known by Policeman Carne as 'the scourge of the cove', these young ladies busily worked the streets of Sennen Cove in the 1920s.  Dressed in a home-made uniform, they tended to stand out because of their unorthodox gait as they practised their eye-catching 'walk in formation'.  For more, get the book.

The beauty on the left was the famous Jane Hosking of Chypraze, pictured here at the age of 32.  A young lady of a fiercely intellectual and literary turn of mind, her stunning looks bewitched many a young man until she was finally successfully wooed and won by the 97-year-old shellfish billionaire, Abnego Baragwaneth. 

Although the latter was married, he was so smitten with the young temptress that he set her up in a sumptuous lovenest in Botallack on a fabulous daily allowance of 2/6d a day, excluding food. An accomplished and pioneering writer of the Cornish novella and a prolific poetess, all of the manuscripts of this noted but sadly unpublished writer were consumed by the chip fire that took her life in 1924.

Kelly tells the story of many another local fair maid but we will mention here only one more and that is the Newlyn nymph that was Priscilla "Pilchards" Polkinghorne, captured here on her 29th birthday.

At an early age, Prissy's keen intelligence shone brightly  at Newlyn Board School, where she displayed an easy facility and mastery of pure maths, nuclear physics, bio-chemistry and applied sandpit activities.

Known as "Pilchards" because of the the sharp smell her body emitted, she later grew into a ravishing beauty, much sought after at the tennis club and at Penzance swimming pool, where hundreds of local boys would congregate just to catch a glimpse of her breathtaking figure.

All the dashing swains from far around would pursue her - to no avail.  At the age of 17 she had lost her heart to a 77-year-old unhappily married dairy farmer from Tremethick Cross, whom she rapidly proceeded to make most happy.

In all weathers, she faithfully cycled up to see him for half an hour each evening at 7.30 , when he was out with the cows.  This went on for 40 years, when he sadly expired.  Consumed with grief, she followed him just two weeks after.

Hungry for more?  The book will be available from Billy Curnow Publications and at all good bookshops from next Wednesday at a price of just £749.99 each (or £3,500 for four copies!).