SPECIAL BILLY SPARGO EDITION

This week the Roundup looks at the central figure in the political, administrative, literary and social life of Relubbus.

The much celebrated Councillor Billy Spargo (129), shown here smiling for the camera as he sits at his work, is the ever youthful Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Generations of people in Relubbus have grown up knowing no other leader in this proud independent state.   But few know the man behind the name and behind the statesman.

Accordingly, in this first part of a planned 9,675 part serialisation about the greatest man in Relubbus, we take a look at the human being behind the name.   This week we look at the Ladies' man.

Spargo is an honest man of the soil and only decided to go into politics after strong encouragement to do so from his Enty May and also from Queen Victoria and the then Pope. 

This tradition of support continues today as can be seen from this photo  of the present day Queen and Pope emerging gratefully from a recent audience they were granted with Councillor Billy Spargo. 

There were rumours about Spargo and Victoria and there have been rumours down the decades about the closeness of his relationship with royal ladies ever since.

Spargo is a man of regular and spartan habits.  He prides himself on taking a bath annually, although he abhors the use of soap as being something completely unnatural.  As he correctly points out, "There iddenuthin bout soap in the Garden of Eden, izza?!"

Despite the comparative rarity of this bathing event, there are 7 'Ladies of the bathchamber', whose job it is to ensure that the sundry deposits built up over the year are removed from the surface and various crevices of Councillor Spargo's body.

As you would only expect, there is great competition amongst the women of Relubbus for the signal honour of of being one of the chosen few.  There is an annual draw and thousands of hopefuls put their names forward, but only 7 are chosen.

The picture is of the current ladies of the bathchamber, who are, from the left, Lucy Trembath (23), Betsy Angwin (32), Agnes Trevorrow (62) with, behind her, Tamsin Chirgwin (39), Loveday Baragwaneth (21), Pammie Polkinghorne (29) and Linda Addicoat (40). 

Said spokeswoman Agnes, "'Sworth every minnut!  Ee's a real man, we ebbent nevver seen nuthin like it!  You'd nevver bleeve ee was 129 - more like 29.  Kept all o' we 'appy!"

One of the special rewards that go along with the honour is the right to bottle and sell the health-giving water in which the great man has bathed.  The claims made for the water are many.  It is reputedly a cure for the common cold, for hair loss, for problems 'down below', for flatulence and for 'feelinabit queer'.

Spargo's history with the ladies is the stuff of legend.  His reputed conquests range from Mrs Wallis Simpson (wife of King Edward VIII, not a lady of the family that owns the famous Penzance store!) to Mrs Rachele Mussolini, Ms Eva Braun, Mrs Jackie Kennedy, Madame Sarkozy, Helen Mirren and Mrs Lyudmila Putin.

Spargo has been married several times and has had many affairs, despite his punishing 18 hour day toiling for the people of Relubbus on Council business.  Members of the public may be wondering who might now be his current squeeze.

The Roundup can exclusively reveal that it is none other than intoxicatingly beautiful young Araminta Pengelly (23), a checkout operator from Long Rock.

Araminta, who attended Relubbus Comprehensive School and left with distinctions in advanced knitting, manicure and leafing through popular magazines, is trying to keep a low profile, as revealed by the picture on the left from a recent photoshoot. 

Araminta, a girl of few words, did coyly confess to looking forward to having her first Spargolet.  You read it here first!

Next week, we will be looking at Spargo, the man of letters.

CHRISTMAS GETS A NEW LOOK IN MARAZION!!

The Marazion Apollo Theatre - as can be seen in the picture on the left - has been looking a little run down in recent years. 

The once hugely popular 37-seat theatre had seen better days - almost all of which are no longer within living memory.

The exception, of course, is in the case of 125-year-old "Lucky" Pender, who still lives in the same Barncoose hospital for the criminally insane that he has occupied since that fateful day - 110 years ago - when he tried to burn down Simpsons of Penzance after the staff of that fashionable store laughed at him when he tried on a new pair of trousers only to reveal that he wore no underpants.

Apparanetly "Lucky" still has vivid childhood memories of the place.

It has therefore come as considerable relief to many folk that the Relubbus mega-multibillionnaire entrepreneur, R C Oates, has dug deep in his generous pockets to splash out on a £749 refurbishment that has made the Marazion Apollo once again the number one entertainment centre within 172 yards of the famous Marazion town centre.

Resplendent in its new glory, the 10,000 seat renewed Marazion Apollo is set to clean up on Christmas and New Year Entertainment bookings in West Penwith.

The new artistic director of the Apollo is none other that Mrs Doris 'Ollis (43), who has been lured over from her job at the Treneere Fish Bar to take on this demanding role for an hourly reward, which is rumoured to run well below double figures.

A major factor in her readiness to take on this role lies in the fact that her husband ('usbant), Boris, is the driver of the bus that connects Penzance Bus station with Marazion.  "Eegen gimme free lift on the wayome like!", says an excited Mrs 'Ollis.

Doris has been given an artistic free hand and is using this opportunity to bring exciting new talent to the West Cornish stage.

We present just four of the new discovery headline acts she is bringing this Christmas.

Top of the bill is the "Pub Landlady" - or Lily Nichols as she is better known.  For some years, Lily has been practising her stand-up routine on the streets of Helston outside its various hostelries.  Fortified by cans generously donated by members of the public, she maintains a stream of comical verbiage until the stand-up becomes a fall-down, at which point the show ends and the Salvation Army moves in.

Thus honed in the harsh world of street stand-up, Lily will be bringing her routine  to the new Marazion Apollo stage.  Lily will be having a few drinks and telling a few stories of clever observational humour before she reaches the stage of technical fall-down or becomes too incoherent or lewd and has to be dragged from the stage.

Next up on the bill comes the raw sex and sizzle provided by the risqué burlesque troupe - "They Naughty Hopalong Maids" - from Tregeseal, St Just.

All six girls have in common the fact that they have been expelled from school for reasons termed as inappropriate behaviour and also the fact that they hop everywhere they go - including on stage.

They will be dancing - hopping - to their own rendition of "The Old Grey Duck", "Goin up Cambern 'Ill" and other classic favourites well known to the crowds.

Sure to be another success with the audience is the hypnotist's act known simply as Camp Count Colin.  This is a speciality act with a twist.   Colin - who hails from far away up in North Cornwall - is a mysterious type, who likes the Gothic look.

Exuding a manic confidence despite his strongly lisping stammer and startling falsetto voice, Colin affects what he regards as an East European accent, which, when married with his obviously Cornish vocabulary and grammar, creates a novel impact.

Amongst the embarassing things he gets his hypnotised victims (always young men) to do is to profess their love for him.  "It duh give a noo meanin' to 'turn queer', thasswat I duh say!"

Used to the 'anything goes' atmosphere prevailing in the nightclubs of Trewint and Tregole, Colin is now under strict instructions to keep his act clean enough for a family audience.

The final offering to gain a mention here is a new novelty act from Scotland - "The Two Tweeters",  a married couple by the name of Gordon and Sarah.

This pair of lovebirds performs an eye-catching tap dance whilst they simultaneously play the spoons in a routine so obviously dreamt-up and rehearsed in the comfort of their own front room.  However, such is the charm of their smiles - particularly Gordon's - that it is quite compelling.

They will also be singing a medley of songs - some of Gordon's own composition - including one about an old ex-friend:

"Who is that bastard?

His name is Tony............" (to the tune of "You take the High Road")

Ticket enquiries can be made at a booth in the alleyway next to "Out of the Blue"  in Market Place, Marazion.  You are advised to hurry as tickets are expected to sell quickly.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Double Life of Local Worker on Newlyn Kwop Cheese Counter

Newlyn was rocked by the revelation that single mother of seven and part time worker on the cheese counter at the Newlyn Kwop, Mrs Nora Batten (57) has been leading a double life as leader of the Libyan state, where she is known as Muammar al-Gaddafi.

Nora was rumbled on the bus out of Newlyn on her way to Relubbus International Airport, where she was due to board an Oates seatless Easiflight plane to Tripoli.  

Nora had bumped into her old friend from approved school days, retired Gulval streetwalker Wendy Trezise (57) and, as Wendy was in the habit of buying lottery tickets for the pair, Nora was searching out necessary money in her handbag, when her air ticket and Libyan passport fell out.

Says a shocked Wendy, "Noone kuddna bin more surprised 'n' what I was, I kintellee!  I'd knawn she since school.  This 'ere air ticket come out 'er 'anbag, followed by a passport witha picture o' she onut with all this 'ere Ayrab writin' onun!  'Ere maid, wassal this 'ere then, I sed tuh she, I sed!"

Nora was apparently lost for words and then poured out the tale of how she, after the birth of her third child when her then partner was out of work,  answered an advert in the Cornishman for a politically astute statesman to run a North African country on a part time basis.  Hours would be light and rewarded with good money and cash in hand.

Nora couldn't resist the temptation to 'go for it' and has since been leading a double life, frequently disappearing off to Tripoli to do a bit of leadership. 

As well as picking up a handy £13 14s 9d each week in cash, she led a high-powered life in Tripoli with her own luxury tent and a company of all female bodyguards, as well as a red Ford Anglia 105E Saloon with as much free petrol as she could use.

Nora is now under contract to the Roundup to publish her memoirs of this fascinating double life. These will be serialised here in the Roundup, just as soon as Nora has learnt to write.

West Penwith Witches campaign for the right to be taken seriously

Crows an Wra was the inevitable meeting place of the special Convention of West Penwith Witches which was held last week.

The convention was called by Leading Witch and Queen of the Coven, Sheila Bramangath (52) so that the sisterhood could debate ways of encouraging members of the public to desist from pointing at them and laughing.

Says Sheila, who has a part time job on vegetables at Tesco, "Ee idden funny no more. If we duh gwout in our speshul clothes doin' our ceremonies in the fields, we got kids laughin' at we and the adults aren't no better neither!"

Sheila, who was bound to partner Gwen (31), a trainee trolley attendant, in a special handfasting ceremony during the convention, reported that, in a unanimous vote, the sisterhood had agreed to be fearless and indomitable.

She also hinted darkly that the frog population of West Penwith might be suddenly increased if certain people "didden shut their bleddy mouths!"

Pendeen Man swims underwater from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn

Willy Pender (66), a retired jobseeker, claims to have set a new swimming record by swimming under water all the way round the coast from Cape Cornwall to Newlyn.

He says that he undertook the swim last week, which has surprised many given the uninvitingly cool sea temperatures at this time of year.  Even more astoundingly, he claims to have come up for air only on 9 occasions.

Disappointingly, there are no independent witnesses to this marvellous feat apart from Willy's 95-year-old housebound mother, Agnes, who stated, "I sawun leave th' 'ouse las' Tuesday.  When 'ee cum back, 'ee was sum ungry, 'ee was.  'Is woollen trunks was soppin' wet too!"

Willy is now appealing for witnesses prepared to state that they saw him on his marathon swim, which took place between 9.10 am and 9.45 am last Tuesday morning.  He adds, "If anyone duh come forward, I'll see un alright, when the money duh start flowin' in!"

TWINNING DISCOVERY THROWS LIGHT ON KERNOW'S ANCIENT PAST!!

Praze an Beeble may not, at first sight, strike many as being a place of ancient importance, but the Roundup can now exclusively reveal that it was once - 2,400 years ago - twinned with Peking in China.

Archaeologists, led by Professor Pender (pictured) have determined that stones - found down at the river Beeble - were, in fact part of an early laundry and takeaway complex operated by enterprising Chinamen in 400 BC, who formed part of a small colony, which was set up as part of the twinning agreement.

Some of the stones carry curious inscriptions in ancient Chinese, which bear testimony to this ancient twinning.

Academics from the Relubbus Almost-Free-But-Still-Charging-A-Bit-Like University have been working at the site for some weeks.

Included in the top academic team are  famed archaeologist Professor "Wiggy" Pender (62) and his 200 strong cohort of expert diggers.

Also there is acclaimed sinologist Professor "Chinky" Chynoweth (84) (pictured) together with his hand-picked team of China experts.

Together this incomparable duo have discovered a wealth of information drawn largely from the long-hidden and well-preserved inscriptions on the many stones that are a key part of the site. One of the stones bears a likeness of the person who is believed to have led this small Chinese colony.  Beneath the picture is inscribed the legend:

"Thissa picture show Jang Wong

He left China for Ding Dong!"

This discovery turns our understanding of ancient history on its head and gives rise to questions such as how trade and cultural links were established and maintained at such great distance at that time between Cornwall and China.

An old propeller-like device found in the river bed in the river Beeble has led some to speculate that air travel may have been discovered and used long ago, employing feverish slave power to turn the propeller of some devilishly clever early transport plane.

Taking just this one example of a mental leap into the dark, it is fair to say that speculation has been running riot since these discoveries have been made.

The speculation has even extended to the much more preposterous and wholly unlikely proposition - originally advanced by a Mr Gung Ho, owner of the Golden Rotus in Relubbus - that the Cornish pasty itself may have been a Chinese invention introduced to Cornwall as an early form of Chinese takeaway!

Not surprisingly, this suggestion has seriously ruffled feathers in many quarters and has even disturbed the normally excellent relations between the People's Republic of China (PRC) and its most important trading partner, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The GRUC Leader, Councillor Billy Spargo (117) was so angered by this slur on the Cornishness of the national dish that he even considered cutting off the generous foreign aid (estimated to be as much as £49.50 per week) which the GRUC currently grants to the PRC.

In a desperate attempt to cool things down, the PRC President, Mr Hu Jintao, has unearthed details of the remainder of the Cornish colony set up in China 2,400 years ago as part of the twinning agreement.

It seems that there was a small Cornish colony in Peking, which later moved out to the Chinese countryside near the China Clay works (a smaller version of what is found to this day near St Austell).  Surprisingly, the descendants of this colony still speak Cornish, although they seem to have 'gone native' in all other respects.

As proof of this, Mr Jintao has revealed a picture of the local council leader in so-called Kamm Bronn.  The gentleman's name is Jowan Trembath and he is shown here with his prized pet hunting eagle "Er Skwark" alongside his best friend Madern Angwin.

Intermarriage with local women has long ago led to some dilution of the Cornish cultural heritage and indeed appearance, but Jowan and the others in the colony have clung for dear life to two treasured institutions over the many centuries since their forefathers left Cornwall. 

One is the Cornish language and the other is the Cornish Pasty itself, which their tradition tells them that they brought out with them from their homeland.

So there you have it!  The Cornish Pasty is truly Cornish!!

ADVERTISEMENT

CHRISTMAS BARGAINS GALORE AT R C OATES SUPERSTORE!!

Have Jolly Japes and Wholesome Christmas Family Fun with the Wakfer Electrified Tightrope (patent pending) - available here at just £749.99!!! 

See how long you can stay on, whilst they turn up the voltage!  Cattle prods extra at just £35 each (NOT to be used on children younger than 3!)

From Tamsin Pentreath, the celebrated author of "Cooking for People without Teeth", get the long-awaited new book "53 ways of Cooking Badger" at just £195.  

Nance's 'Carved from Wood' products make the perfect and unusual Christmas gift.  New products joining the range this year include handcarved bicycle clips in yew and oak (£75), re-usable condoms fashioned from soft balsa wood (£15) and socks in hard wearing teak (£45 a pair) available in all sizes.

Discreet help for the adventurous - buy Rosewarne's Patented Hot Mustard and Sulphur Treatment for all ailments 'down below' (£60).

Finally, to fuel the festive fun,

Why not get a bottle of Polkinghorne's Homemade Green Whisky (£7.99 for 3 litres). 

It turns a kitten into a lion!!

NEWS IN BRIEF

 BOUNDARY AND POSTCODE CHANGES

Hot on the heels of the recent furore about cross-Tamar electoral boundaries, comes news that the new giant postal sorting office to be built in Launceston will result in a reclassification of some postcodes. Currently, the Plymouth postcode (PL) extends west into Cornwall beyond St Austell, and the Exeter postcode (EX) beyond Bude. In future, there will be a new postcode of KE (Kernow) that will not only cover the whole of Cornwall, but will extend far eastwards into Devon.

Commenting on the proposed changes, the leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (103), said:

"We have to be grown up about these things. I'm sure the people of Plymouth and Exeter won't object to their fine cities being classified as part of Cornwall. So why should the people of Saltash object to their historic Cornish town being part of Plymouth?"

NEW WISE MAN FOR ST BURYAN

by our village reporter, Denzil Owles

A couple of days ago I was privileged to meet the new Wise Man of St Buryan, Mr Athelstan Sowsner, as he was searching for toads in Boskennal Lane.
 
Having moved to Cornwall from Surrey last Thursday, Mr Sowsner says that he has already developed a strong affinity for our ancient landscape. He has, after all, been coming to Cornwall on holiday since he was three months old. 

He tells me that he is deeply knowledgeable about Cornish culture and traditions -- for example, village feast days, which he understands were instigated by Ginsters in 1993, and the ancient practice of knitting wooly scarves for standing stones, in order to keep them warm in winter.

Mr Sowsner studied spells and potions under Professor Potter, at a famous training school in the north, the name of which has temporarily slipped my memory. He is a founder member of the Surrey Order of Druids (SOD).

A single man and former investment banker, he now occupies a fine six-bedroomed converted mill in Bramangath Lane. He was keen that his house should have a Cornish name, and to this end recruited a local bard to suggest one in Kernewek. As he told me proudly, "I've renamed the house 'Toll Dewbedrenn'. It means 'Fox hole'".

SCILLIES - AMBITIOUS TUNNEL PLAN A SUCCESS!!

The tangled debates about the practicalities of the connections between the Scilly Isles and the Cornish mainland have been transformed by the shock announcement from local hero entrepreneur, R C Oates (98), that he is a digging a road tunnel to connect Relubbus directly to the Scilly Isle of St Agnes.

Oates is pictured here in full Cornish miner's kit, sporting a cigar obtained at a most reasonable price from Mr Scobie's fashionable Smoking Perquisites Emporium in Penzance.

The connection, which is already all but completed - having, for commercial reasons, been constructed in total secrecy - will provide a 6 lane motorway from Tregembo Hill in Greater Relubbus which will emerge at the Turks Head, Old Lane, on the teeming island of St Agnes.

Asked why he did not choose to route his connection to one of the bigger islands such as St Mary's, Tresco or St Martin's, Oates, the enigmatic mega-multibillionnaire recluse, who likes to be known simply as "RC", stated that, since his mother is called Agnes, there could be not other possible destination.

The tunnel - and road - is being built by forty stout and trusty Cornish hard rock miners shown here on the left.

Most unusually, the lads have started their tunnel at the mid-point and are working out from there to the two end points - Relubbus and St Agnes.

The more mentally agile of our readers will have immediately noticed that the tunnel has been commenced - well out to sea - under the seabed.

Mr Oates stated, "I dunnit on perpose so no one dknaw about un till I was goodun ready!"

The chief commissioning engineers, Billy and Tommy Thomas, speaking with the benefit of their fourth pints from their HQ in the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, stated, "Course we adda few problems like.Gettin they boys out there in the firss place and riggin up the ladder in they airtight barrels to git down the seabed wadden easy - 'specially as Mr Oates ave said we gotta do un on the quiet!"

However, human ingenuity has once more triumphed over natural obstacles and the tunnel - together with its full 6 lane motorway with a canal alongside capable of taking a ship the size of the Scillonian - will be completed at the weekend.

An inspiration to the miners has been their very own 'pasty maid', Morwenna Pengelly, runner-up in last year's Marazion version of Countdown.

Morwenna (26) from Prospidnick is a nearly-qualified former trainee bicycle repairer, who believes that pasties are not only a source of good nutritious food but also an effective and fetching addition to the wardrobe of any fashion-conscious Cornish maid.

Morwenna learnt crimping at her mother's knee and proudly states that the men especially like the pasties that have kept their warmth by being kept closest to her body.  She says excitedly, "I duh walk roun and they boys duh  pluck off they pasties jes to see wass underneath.  They're sum cheeky, they are , they boys!"

The boys couldn't be happier.  They eat pasties for breakfast, croust, dinner, tea and supper and also eat an additional one as a snack, if they feel a bit peckish.  However, five or six pasties a day is nothing when you consider the work rate required to complete the tunnel, motorway and canal construction in just under three weeks.

The engineering feat (progress shown here on only day three!) is only achievable because of the high motivation generated by the huge rewards being offered by Mr Oates.  Each man receives £14 10s 9d per day, in addition to as many pasties as they can eat.  Furthermore, on completion, every man will receive a bonus payment of either a free brand new Reliant Robin Mk 2 SLX or a half price haircut plus manicure and pedicure at Shelley's of St Just.

Mr Oates is expecting to make a tidy sum from each car crossing on the toll motorway.  Journeys to the Scillies will cost 2s 6d per car, whilst the retun journey will cost £145.

The Scillonian - sailing along the canal - will have a much calmer journey than that often experienced on the surface of the sea.  Mr Oates is planning to make no charge for canal boat crossings in view of their reduced environmental impact.

The novel engineering project is likely to attract enormous interest from around the world, particularly at the weekend, when the men are expected to break through both at the Tregembo Hill and St Agnes ends of the tunnel.

Hotels from Land End right up as far as Truro are fully booked with TV and print journalists and with many thousands of the keen and curious members  of the public, who are waiting to see this new wonder of the world.