WARSPITE WRECK DISCOVERED

By stand-in reporter Horton Tregarthen
Recent photo of the Warspite taken from a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight to Mousehole heliport

It had always been understood, and indeed, even reported back in the 1950s in the pages of that lesser journal, the Cornishman, that scrap metal from the wreck of HMS Warspite had been stored at the Albert Quay in Penzance, and later transferred to various steelworks. Now, in a shock revelation, it has emerged that this was nothing but a ghost story.

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) workers have today let slip that they found the "wreck" intact in a secret location near Prussia Cove when they were down there helping GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, put a "lick o' paint" on his 500-odd holiday chalets.

They seemingly came across the ship beached in an inaccessible cove on land owned by Mr Spargo. They were overheard by a Roundup roving reporter discussing the find amongst themselves next to Trevaskis's Mobile Croust van.

When the reporter confronted Councillor Spargo with both the story and with a photo taken on a specially diverted Relubbus Airways flight, he had no option but to come clean.

His father had "acquired and parked" the vessel in the cove and had told the young Billy, "'Ere boy, if ay 'ave a bit o' trouble you can bring 'er out of mothballs to elp ay".

It was Billy's intention to do just this at a significant moment in the development of hostilities between Relubbus and Hayle. Assisted by a few hand-picked men, he intended to sail the newly re-named Pride of Relubbus, together with vital assistance from the flagship of the Liechtenstein Navy, round Land's End to the Hayle estuary and then "blaw they there Hayle buggers off the face o' the earth. And our first shot will be at that damn viaduct of theirs!"
"The calm before the Storm" -- a quiet scene at the Hayle viaduct which is soon to be targeted by the newly formed Relubbus Navy

A spokesman at Devonport naval base, Sir Cloudsley Shovel, today stated that if Billy Spargo wishes to return the ship "then we won't take the matter any further".

However, with the nameplates now changed all over the ship, Billy believes that an impossible burden of proof now lies with the British Royal Navy, if it were to seek to assert ownership.

ODGO SEMMENS' NEW VERSE

By Poetry correspondent Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

'Odgo Semmens (79) the celebrated Cornish poet and author of the now globally-renowned and treasured poems I aren't and Walking in West Penwith, has, under unrelenting pressure from the crowds besieging his home in Colinsey Road, Penzance, released a further work, Penzance Childhood, which seem set to seal his reputation as one of the greatest living poets in Colinsey Road.

Penzance Childhood

Alverton, Gwavas, Penalverne, Treneere
I d'knaw all they places -- they are to me so dear.
First of all there was Susan and then cum Denise
As fresh as a daisy an' clear as sea breeze.

An' then there was "Mental" and my best friend, Tren --
We got into some scraps, but we got out again.
Gone down Newlyn Coombe, when we boys were out scrumpin'
Out come the farmer with his bleddy gun pumpin'.

We 'ad fun in them days -- good laughs, no real crime;
But we've passed 'n all by on the river of time.
I'm glad that I'm 'ere -- it's the right place to be;
Proper for Cornish folk -- like you and me.


'Odgo

LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE FOR HAYLE

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by motoring correspondent Denzil Flatt
R.C. Oates Automotive Industries today proudly announced the opening of their NEW LUXURY CAR SERVICE CENTRE in Hayle. The centre is designed to deal exclusively with Aston Martins, Lamborghinis, Porches, and Landsharks -- owners of other makes need not apply. Each service, performed entirely by hand with loving care, is expected to take approximately 9 months, followed by a "running in period" of 29 weeks. Not surprisingly, there is already a waiting list of 2 years.

R.C.O.A.I., owned by Relubbus multi-billionaire R.C. Oates, has long sought to expand its business interests into the People's Republic of Hayle, which it sees as one of the planet's fastest-developing economies.

In recent months, R.C.O.A.I has lost ground to its arch-rival Trevaskis Motors, which has enjoyed spectacular successes with its Landshark series of luxury cars. It is widely acknowledged that Trevaskis Motors' success has been due in no small measure to its possession of a state-of-the-art fabrication and servicing plant in the garages behind Penponds Close, at Alverton, Penzance. R.C.O.A.I.'s acquisition of the Hayle site is seen as an attempt to catch up -- though whether it will build cars at Hayle remains to be seen.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
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NEWS IN BRIEF

By staff reporter Rendell Janner
TRENGWAINTON LIONS A ROARING SUCCESS!
The 4,500 lions let loose in the Joachim Von Ribbentrop Memorial Gardens at Trengwainton have proved to be enormously popular with local visitors.

Pictured here on the left is Lizzie Polglaze (67) in a photograph taken seconds before the "horrific incident". Miss Polglaze, who has worked on the till in Beares' butchers on the Parade, Penzance, since she was a girl of 16, was so excited to be riding the lion that she unfortunately wet herself.

The unexpected release of warm liquid so discomfited the lion that it turned on its hapless rider and, with others from the "Pride of Trengwainton", made a rather messy but speedy meal of Miss Polglaze. Trying to look on the bright side, Ethel Bolitho (72), Lizzie's best friend, said "Least she wen' out doin' sumthin' 'xcitin'. She'll be sum pleased 'bowt that -- she never 'ad a man."



SOCIETY WEDDING IN SANCREED
A crowd of several thousand Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual people gathered outside the Methodist Chapel in Sancreed for the occasion of the biggest society wedding there in the past two weeks. Mecca bingo caller Billy Penhaligon (35) married his childhood love, famous local transsexual Zeke (now Tamsin) Trewelah (34), a pigherd of Trebothick farm, Sancreed.

Billy commented, "I 'ave luvved 'un since we wuz knee 'igh an' I'm still fond ov un even though ee's now a maid!"

The blushing, and captivatingly beautiful, bride echoed these sentiments in her post-operative though still strikingly bass voice, "I kent wait to get ee 'ome - come on neow, my lover!"
The happy couple will live in a none-up, one-down in Tregavarah.

The presiding minister, the Reverend Methuselah Bugley (55), originally from West Yorkshire, when questioned about the unusual nature of the wedding he had just celebrated, merely commented cryptically, "There's nowt so queer as folk!"

THE MAESTRO PASSES ON!
Sixty three minutes silence was held on Tuesday in Newlyn to mark the surprise passing of Caleb Retallack (119), who died of exertion on the night of his wedding to his 8th wife, Rachel Trengenza (19).

Mr Retallack had, for a long time, been a champion and patron of the arts in Newlyn. A founder member and major funder, for many years, of the world famous Newlyn Underwater String Quartet, he devoted himself to the support and development of musical traditions of all sorts in Newlyn, being particularly fond of musically arranged eructations.

He also founded the Newlyn School of Female Body Art (19-20), which concerns itself with drawings, sketches and paintings rendered on the naked bodies of young women aged between 19 and 20 .

It is perhaps no co-incidence that his young bride Rachel, pole-dancing champion of Parc Wartha Estate, was one of the models at the School. His entire estate passes to Rachel.

R.C. OATES -- HOW THE EMPIRE STARTED!
Many people have often wondered just how R.C. Oates, the Relubbus mega-multi-billionnaire, made all his money. Now the Roundup can present a hitherto unseen picture of the great man in his earliest years, which sheds some light on this question.

Pictured here outside his garden shed -- which was later destined to become his flagship store in Relubbus -- R.C. Oates is shown as a young lad of 15 about to set off on his bike to deliver home-made Bovril-flavoured condoms to an eager Relubbus public.

Famed throughout West Cornwall as the man who can sell anything, this photo was taken by his mother, Mrs Temperance Oates, shortly before she too was sold to an Arabian slave-trader.

In short -- even as a schoolboy -- the young Oates was already displaying the entrepreneurial flair which was to power his ascent to the dizziest heights of capitalist success.

PENDEEN MAN WINS CARN GLOOSE LOTTERY

The surprise winner of this year's internationally-famed annual Carn Gloose Lottery can now be revealed to be none other than Pendeen man, Simon Jacka (37).

Mr Jacka, pictured here with his huge cheque following the presentation at the Newlyn Deep Sea Fishermen's Mission, accompanied by some rapidly-appearing and ever hopeful female admirers (all of whom work in the Newlyn Kwop), said that he had bought his £5 ticket some three months ago and then promptly forgot all about it.

"When I 'eard they numbers comin' up on Radio Kernow, it sounded a bit familiar. I 'ad plum fergot I 'ad that ticket, but when I 'eard they numbers, I pulled un out and couldn' bleeve I'd won the bleddy thing!"

Literally tens of tickets are sold throughout the year to hopefuls, who all have their eye on the big prize. This year the winning ticket brings Mr Jacka the princely sum of £341.95. Mr Jacka (42) is single and works over St Erth Creamery as a cleaner. He has, over the years, acquired a reputation as something of a gambling playboy on the West Cornwall scene and can often be seen down the Mecca Bingo, but a win on this scale was beyond his wildest dreams

Mr Jacka (39) plays trombone in Pendeen band and came 5th in the sack race in his penultimate year at primary school. His mother, Lizzie (96), who lives nearby in an old folks' home, was over the moon.

"Now ee've won 'is fortune, all ee duh want now is to settle down with sum nice li'l maid", she said.

The nice little maids in the picture are from the left Rowena Pascoe (18, cheese counter), Olive Pengelly (21, bacon counter), Avril Pearce (23, fruit and vegetables) and Lavinia Andrewartha (19, till). Unfortunately, when the girls realised that the winnings were £341.95 and not £341,950, they disappeared as quickly as they came.
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RELUBBUS AIRWAYS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE RE-INTRODUCTION OF THEIR POPULAR "SELECTOR" FLIGHTS
Relubbus Airways, "the people's choice" airline, with scheduled daily return flights from Relubbus International airport to St Just airport, Newquay, and Wellington in New Zealand, has succumbed to enormous public pressure and is re-introducing its hugely popular, but controversial, "Selector" flights.

Pictured on the left is the Merlin turbo-prop nine-seater, manufactured by the Cornish Aircraft Corporation (CAC) at Rosudgeon, that will be used for the flights, which are regarded as the ultimate thrill in air travel.

The Selector is a variant of musical chairs with one crucial difference. Passengers are secured into their seats with hand and ankle cuffs. When safely airborne, the Selector is switched on. Stirring music is heard -- vigorously hummed or whistled by the pilot. A light on top of the headrest of each seat is illuminated -- one after the other. When the music stops, the occupant of the illuminated seat is "selected" and receives a 150,000 volts electric shock.

In an atmosphere of ever growing suspense, up to three selections can be made per flight.

One of the survivors from the last flight in June last year commented, "You just don't know suspense till you've been on a Selector -- it could be curtains for you! You feel so relieved when you are one of the last six, who will touch down, but then you can't wait to get up there again for that special buzz!"

Selector flights will start next week from Relubbus International and will cost £8500 per person. Special rates for "Get the Groom" stag parties!! Tel. Relubbus 456830

LIECHTENSTEIN NAVY VISITS NEWLYN

Newlyn was yesterday graced with the official visit of the flagship of the Royal Liechtenstein Navy, HMS Furzbeutel, under the command of his Excellency High Admiral Adolf von Strüdli-Müdli (47).

Pictured on the left in his demonstration case, the High Admiral is an eminent emissary of the Liechtenstein monarchy. Some attribute his rapid rise through the ranks of the Liechtenstein navy to the fact that he was the official whipping boy for the reigning Prince, Hans Adam, when the latter was a boy.

Hans Adam was such a notoriously naughty lad that Adolf all too frequently had to take the cane on his behalf. Hence, Adolf's meteoric rise through the Navy is widely thought to be owed to his childhood role as protector of the royal bum.

Given the sometimes savage treatment meted out to him in early years, the High Admiral is now protected most of the time by his demonstration case, in which he meets the public.

Crowds of people, numbering 3 or 4, jostled with one and another and clustered around the end of Newlyn pier, straining to catch a glimpse of the noble vessel as it was towed into the harbour with the High Admiral's presentation case proudly on display on the deck.

HMS Furzbeutel, shown here on the left, is currently the only ship, as well as the flagship, of the Liechtenstein Navy. It is manned by the entire Navy, which totals three men (apart from the High Admiral, of course!).

In the picture on the left you can glimpse the three (together with the High Admiral in his case) being taken to shore in a cutter. Once ashore they were treated to a fish and chip supper at Harold Jewel's, following which they repaired to the Dolphin Inn for a civic drink-up.



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Mr Bonaparte, pictured here on the left in his "best gear" is by day a sales assistant in Wilton & Nichols ironmongers in Penzance, although he doesn't wear his "best gear" to work in the shop, where, after 35 years solid service, he is the acknowledged expert on all sorts of nails and screws, and where he is known simply as Bert Trenwith (50).

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