Issue 3, May 2007

EXCLUSIVE: POPE TO VISIT RELUBBUS

The Roundup's sources have revealed that, in a bold ecumenical move, the Methodist Council of Relubbus has invited Pope Benedict to visit the city.

The Rev. Bart Peniluna (54) said: "There is absolutely no truth in the rumours that we have invited the Pope in order to assassinate him. On the contrary, our aim is to heal the dangerous schism that currently exists between Rome and Relubbus."

The Pope is expected to fly into Newquay, where he will kiss the hallowed sod of Kernow. He will not, as some have imagined, sail to Kernow, like St Piran, on a millstone.

As part of his hectic schedule, the Pope will conduct an open-air mass at Gwennap Pit. A vast crowd of some tens of people is expected.

MORVAH MAN IN DRAMATIC RESCUE
Dickie Trembath, a 57 year-old single man who works for the South West Water Board, waded out waist-high into the turbulent sea at 7 o’clock last Tuesday morning to rescue an exhausted 89 year-old Miss Gracie Angwin. Dickie, a prominent member of the Morvah Local Men’s Club, had been out camping with friends at Long Rock. He had to get up early to answer a call of nature, when he suddenly heard an agonising call coming from the sea, and ran down to see if he could help.

Gracie, who had escaped from Barncoose late during Monday night in her new battery-powered wheelchair, had managed to shake off all pursuers and high-tail it to Long Rock in order to fulfil her latest ambition -- to swim the Atlantic. However, the wheelchair got stuck in the wet sand. She was unable to get out of the wheelchair unaided and would have been left to the heartless mercies of the incoming tide had not Dickie heard her wailing and rushed out to help.

Gracie was rescued -- tired, a little shaken, but by no means repentant. In fact she remained convinced all would have gone well, if she had taken the trouble to fit the wheelchair with floats. "I 'adden souped up fer speed, but I plum forgot to 'ave they floats put on!", she said later to the Cornishman.

Gracie was later turned over to the reluctant hands of her despairing keepers. Readers may recall Gracie’s dramatic, foiled, attempt at escape last month, to realise her then ambition of kidnapping the pope.

Advertisement Whites of Alverton, Penzance

West Cornwall’s answer to Foyles proudly announces that new stocks of the bestseller “Adventures of Policeman Carne”, price £41.75, have now arrived. This astounding book, fully illustrated with pictures of Penzance in the '20s and '30s, is based on the recently unearthed diaries of “Policeman Carne” himself, who pounded the beats of Penzance at that time.

These are illuminating tales of the tasks of a policeman in a Cornish county town of the '20s and '30s. They portray a picture of a stern, forbidding character who dispenses summary justice to cheeky, unruly boys, who, in defiance of the dreaded Carne, persist in taunting the odd characters of the town and terrorising prim old ladies such as Ethel Batten.

Ayatollah to buy Morvah shock

Waves of horror, fear, tension and suspense have swept the mainly Methodist-populated hamlet of Morvah, as rumours went around that the Ayatollah Mukhmadji was going to buy up Morvah and the surrounding land, with options on the female inhabitants as wives and concubines and on the male population as eunuch farmers.

Police Constable Arnold Uren, after painstaking detective work, finally tracked down the instigator of the rumours as none other than the local Co-op milkman, Wilfie Rosewarne (43), (shown on the left) originally a Camborne man.

Rosewarne, lovestruck with a local woman, thought that such stories might persuade his wavering sweetheart, Edie Harris (48), a Morvah woman and God-fearing Chapel piano-player, into marrying him and settling down with him in his caravan at Eastern Green.

Constable Uren (56), an experienced officer originally from Heamoor, married with two grown up children both locally employed, brought the sheepish Wilfie into the local school to explain his little ruse to the people of Morvah.

Miss Harris was present and broke down in front of the angry crowd, who were restrained from wreaking their vengeance upon Wilfie by the Police reinforcement who had by then cycled in from New Mill to aid PC Uren.

Rosewarne escaped preferring of charges and has emigrated back to Camborne. Mr Ayatollah Mukhmadji (78) (shown left), a resident of the holy city of Qom, was not available for comment here today.

CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla

New Headmistress for St Buryan Primary School!
Agnes Uren, 45, has been appointed as the new Headmistress of St Buryan School. Ms Uren is a local woman, who attended the Penzance Grammar School for Girls. She is a keen cyclist, a practising Lesbian and an avid collector of vintage cigarette cards.

Ms Uren and her partner, Elizabeth Berriman, are currently Synchronised Directed Wind (SDW) champions in the South Western League.

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

Is a child all you need to complete your marriage? No luck after years of trying?

Look no further. The Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Insemination (Artificial or Real) has provided a ready answer for couples all over Penzance, and indeed as far as Hayle.

For a fee of £9.75 and a bottle or two, Mr Trudgen (pictured on the left with patient Kitty Nankervis (23) of Gwavas) will be only too pleased to sort you out. Mr Trudgen is the consummate professional and would like to assure that he has never suffered from any STDs.

Knockout Hit for Boskenwal and Tregadgwith Dramatic Society!
Review by Literary Editor Emily Bindweed

Saturday night was yet another huge success for the merged Boskenwal Gay Drama Group and Tregadgwith Methodists’ Young Women’s Drama Group. Now known as "the Queens", the new group is storming round West Penwith, pulling in crowds of sometimes double figures with its own version of An Inspector Calls.

In the picture are shown, from the left, Prudence Pengilly, 25, from Rosemodrass; Ariminta Trenoweth, 29, from Trevorgans; Hester Lawry, 23, from Bosanketh; Jimmy Oppy, 26, from Tregiffian; Berzillai Curnow, 31, from Noonzeras; Samuel Lugg, 32, from Chegwidden; Tamazine Roskilly, 28, from Sparnon; Bathsheba Trezise, 29, from Cardinney and Drusilla Trevorrian, 28, from Bosliven.

Jimmy Oppy, who plays the inspector, has managed to make his stammer an additional and entirely unexpected weapon of suspense, with dramatic pauses of sometimes 10 full minutes between the start of a sentence and its end. Meanwhile, Drusilla Trevorrian has stolen the heart of many a young man in the audience through the floods of tears that precede her frequent announcement that "I kent remember my words!"

What the play lacks in pace and professionalism is more than compensated for by the naked fear of the cast and their visible desperation to simply get to the end. Indeed this fear adds yet another spur of excitement, as one tries to work out which cast member, for it is not clear, is dogged with the incontinence problem that causes puddles to appear around the stage.

The director, Mathew Carkeek (48) of Chyangwens, is hoping to transfer the play to the West End stage. The Roundup will be with them every step of the way.

Liaisons Aventeureuses in Relubbus?

There was an unusual double wedding in Relubbus at the weekend. Shown on the left is Kitty Polglaze with her two husbands, Trevenen Hawke (on the left) and Vinicombe Davey.

Whilst this may seem a complicated arrangement, Trephina Moyle, on the right, goes one stage further in terms of complications. On her left is her husband, Solomon Cock, whilst on her right is pictured her wife, Lucretia Teague.

Relubbus is, of course, famed for its avant garde social experimentation and liberal views in matters matrimonial. The two groups will be living together in a one-up one-down cottage – at No.4 Trewellard Lane in Relubbus.

The Roundup wishes them all every happiness together.

Planning news

New Eurostar Terminus for St Erth

Pictured on the left is the newly-refurbished St Erth Eurostar terminus, which will connect Relubbus to Paris and Brussels.
The new service, which will begin in the autumn, has already caused something of a stir. Each day, there will be five trains from St Erth to both Paris and Brussels. However, the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has decided that only one train a week will stop at London, obliging London-based travellers to catch the Cornishman down to St Erth to make the connection on to Paris or Brussels.

Watch this space for further developments!
German for Cornish Speakers
As Cornwall County Council recognises its duty to develop good and mutually profitable relations with other countries around the world, the Roundup is keen to support such efforts by helping Cornish folk develop linguistic skills, which will ease communication between them and our European neighbours.

Our German readers should note that this section can also be used to give them the word-perfect Cornish rendering of useful German phrases.

Conversational German Part 1

Wie geht es Ihnen? Awrightaree?

Es geht mir sehr gut. 'Aayss, doin' proper.

Sind Sie Englaender? Englisharee?

Nein. Ich bin aus Cornwall. No, I aren’t. I’m Cornish.

Das ist meine Tochter. Tha’s my little maid.

Sie is aber schoen. She’s sum purty little maid, inna?

Wie heisst sie? Wassa called a?

Sie heisst Brunhilde. 'Er name is Loveday.

Das ist ein schoenes Haus. Tha’s a proper lil 'ouse, inna?

Ja, moechten Sie es kaufen? 'Ess. Gunnabuyun aree?

Vocabulary
Arschloch Tuss
Aussentoilette Backhouse
Bustenhalter One o' they brazier wossnames.
Eigenartige Pastete mit Fleisch, Kartoffeln, Zwiebeln, und Steckrueben Pasty
Mittagessen Bit dinner
Pferd 'Oss
Schuhplattler One o' they weird dences, where they duh slap their ‘eels and each other’s bums.
Spaeter mal Drekkly

Passed Ovver (Obituaries)
Welcome to the ever-popular "'Oo’s Dead?" section of the Roundup!

JOYCE TREVASKIS

The Roundup must sadly report that Joyce Trevaskis has passed on, aged 98. Pictured here in her glory days in the 1930s as Miss Gulval Churchtown, when she still had two legs, Joyce was a colourful character. Never married, she retired only last year from her chosen career of prostitution.

As "the big-hearted pro who never says no", Joycie will be missed by the generations of Gulval men and boys who availed themselves of her generous services. An innovative woman, she operated her own dividend stamp scheme and was one of the first to take credit cards and to advertise on the net.

She also operated a home delivery service and it was whilst speeding down Gulval hill on her bike on such a mission in her early forties that her brakes failed and she crashed badly, losing her left leg. Doughty to the last, she didn’t let this stop her. She became a well-known sight as a one-legged cycling "home delivery" tart, wearing her hallmark feathered hat.

There will be a service of remembrance for Joyce at Gulval Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. Early attendance is advised if one is to get a seat.

Poetry Corner
A poem entitled "Yesday"
by a pupil of Lescudjack County Secondary School

Yesday, we wen up Gran’s. I ate going up there.

All she duh do is go on about er feet or Mrs Ladner’s leg - yap yap yap.

She duh give us cup tea an sometimes a saffern bun. She duh make er own and they’re alright.

Anyway, yesday was better cos we didn ave to stay in. We went out to play.

I wen up Rosehill wi summa my mates.

We met the Heamoor gang and we ad a fight. Soonas Trev giv their leader, Derek, a bloody nose, they’re off outofit.

We did a bitta mischief in they apple orchards what duh blong to ole man Tresidder and then we cumome fer tay.

Soonas I walk in the door - Wallop from dad! That bugger Tresidder been an gone and told on me. Aren’t appy about that and I’ll get me own back on un.

Philip Trudgeon (14)
YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He is the mystic who knows what will come
For you, for your neighbour, for everyone!

Aries This month will be better, though not good. There will be a death in the family, but you feel well rid of them. A small (£10) lottery win for you will brighten things up.

Taurus Returning your books to the library, you will bump into Mrs Hollis and have a pleasant natter about this and that. While this is happening, someone will attempt to steal her purse. Armed with the information from this column, you will put a stop to that.

Gemini You will have a wet dream and feel a little embarrassed about it. However, this is just a phase and you will soon get over it, particularly if you are female.

Cancer Wishing to change channels on the television, you will decide not to do so by getting up and walking to the set to press the requisite buttons. Instead, you will use a device called a remote control, which will enable you to make all desired changes without leaving your seat.

Leo You will go for an interesting charabanc ride to Marazion. During this ride, you will see a peacock flying alongside you. At your destination, the peacock will await you. You will discover that it can talk and it will tell you secrets about members of the town council. You can then blackmail them.

Virgo You will walk past a stranger today. You will never know what changes he might have brought to your life, had you only stopped to talk.

Libra Whilst at the hairdresser’s, you will meet other women having their hair done. In talking to them, you will hear about Diane Liddicoat’s affair with the Co-op milkman. You will wonder why the story seems familiar. It is only on the way home on the bus that you remember the words from this column.

Scorpio You have offered to baby-sit for your daughter for three days. Unfortunately, your husband has foolishly arranged for you both to drive via the tunnel for a day’s shopping in France on the third of those three days. Fortunately, this column gives you sufficient advance warning of this near-calamity to do something about it.

Sagittarius Those very weird dreams you used to get about intimacies with groups of meerkats are back again with a vengeance. You are strongly counselled to avoid the Zoo.

Capricorn You are coming up for retirement now and, quite frankly, you have never felt happier. At long last, the time is yours to call your own. You can do anything you like. However, you had better hurry up, as extreme health problems are on the way.

Aquarius You will cut the grass this week and intend to cut the hedge. However, whilst up the ladder you will lean back too much to follow an attractive young lady with your eyes, causing you to overbalance and fall badly, breaking your wrist and narrowly missing puncturing your lungs with the shears.

Pisces Very unusually for this time of year, there will be very bad hailstorms, which could do some damage to the young plants in the garden. Warned by this column, you can transfer the tenderest specimens to the greenhouse for a while. Mrs Roskilly pops around for a chat as she does every Tuesday.
LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Twice-divorced mother of 8, Tracey Shutter (25) is looking for that someone special to share her love-nest in Colinsey Road, Penzance. Tracey has a wide span of interests ranging from Wicca and 19th century Romantic Poetry to brick-laying and Vietnamese cookery.

As both her previous partners had only one leg, she is particularly looking forward to having a relationship with a man with two legs, if possible. She says "I gotta ‘osepipe out back an I can give the lucky man a colonic irrigation every night if 'ee duh want one!" This declaration can be taken as a simple example of Tracey’s desperate attempt to please.

Since Tracey’s two eldest male children (10 and 9) already have the benefit of ASBOs, it can be taken as read that the State has already recognised the promise within the family. A loving -- preferably two-legged -- partner is all that is required to complete the picture. BOX 1098.

Hannibal Harvey is a real catch! Hannibal (a young 73) lists his interests as whittling wood, laying traps for small animals, making explosive devices, heavy metal music, riding his motor bike (with side-car -- currently unoccupied!) and "keeping 'isself to ‘isself". Never married, never having had a girlfriend (nor, indeed, any friend -- "that business about the spaniel was all lies!") Hannibal is keen to discover the romantic side of his character with a loving woman (or, indeed, anything female). A working fisherman, he offers a bed in the cottage, as much pilchard as you can stomach, and "interesting evenings without the telly", as he doesn’t possess one. BOX 5639.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY TO JOIN RELUBBUS

Following weeks of speculation and rumour, reliable sources close to England captain Phil Vickery said yesterday that the World Cup-winner is to join Relubbus RFC in the summer.

Although Relubbus currently play in Cornwall League 2, the club's ambitions are no secret. Yesterday their millionaire backer, Dicky Penwallet, said "Our aim is to win the Heineken European Cup within five years.

"That is why we have already upgraded our stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people. And our floodlight is state-of-the-art, being powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor."

As the news broke, there was an air of barely-suppressed excitement and glee at the club yesterday. The only dissenting voice was that of current tighthead prop Joe Tregeagle (48). The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran asked: "Wha's Vickery got that I int? 'Ee's a brer bit bigger than I, granted, but I duh reckon that only slows un down! An' 'ee may be a bit younger, but I got the experience! That gert pack down at Roseland ull eat un for breakfast!"

Vickery was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

• Nuclear threat to Lamorna!

• Expose of the Roundup's undercover reporters: we tell all.

• Lively report on the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival.
  

• Local man (98) dies unexpectedly: we have our finger on the pulse.

• Celebrity News: did famed Tregavarah Operatic Society star Priscilla Rodda "buy" a Colinsey Road child? The Roundup tells all.

• Enty May solves your personal problems.

• "Cornish for the non-Cornish": our popular guide to Cornish "as she is spoke".
  

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!