Issue 5, 18th June 2007

CAMILLA: SHOCKING REVELATIONS

Shown on the left is "Camilla" (not her real name), who has convinced large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat -- namely, the "Duchess of Cornwall". While practising this deceit she is often seen in the company of a rangey, gormless-looking individual with a strange accent who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall".

We put "Camilla"'s claims to famed Cornish historian, Dr. A.L. Prowse, who debunked them in typically forthright style:

"Her claims are patently false, since legally Cornwall has been a republic, with its own Parliament (latterly conveniently unrecognized by the English), since the Middle Ages. The last independent king of Cornwall was Hywel, in the 9th century A.D."

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that "Camilla" is none other than Lily Nichols, a bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who is well known throughout West Penwith. In former years, her stock-in-trade was to beg, tearfully, gullible-looking tourists in Penzance to "lend" her £2, so that she could catch the "Rapide" to visit a dangerously ill relative in Truro hospital. A couple of hours later, she could usually be seen staggering out of the First and Last, sometimes unaided.

Lily has clearly advanced in her chosen profession and the Roundup wishes her well. The downside to her success, as she candidly admitted to us, is that she can no longer work in her beloved Cornwall, where her preposterous claims would be ridiculed. However, as she says, "the pickings are richer over the border!"
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"I AM THE RE-INCARNATION OF HENRY VIII"!
Miss Tamazine Retallack (28), of Leskinnick Terrace, Penzance, is a quiet unassuming local girl, who has so far avoided publicity of any sort. A Sunday School teacher at Mount Street Methodist Church, she believes in a life of total abstinence.

Her only weaknesss is her fondness for fresh air, which she indulges by "air-surfing". Invented by herself, this consists of running around isolated beauty spots in the nude, "letting the air take me". In this possibly dangerous pursuit, she has been protected by her father, who stands guard and collects viewing charges from any gentlemen who happen on the scene by chance.

Last Monday, Miss Retallack shocked her employers by using a megaphone to announce to all patrons of the Library present at the time that she was, in fact, none other than the re-incarnation of King Henry VIII.

Miss Retallack is now being examined at the Barncoose Hospital for the irrevocably confused. Doctors tell us that Miss Retallack’s stay could be a long one.
MILLIONAIRE ROSUDGEON RECLUSE (62) SEEKS YOUNG WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING
Rosudgeon recluse, Jasper Behenna, has emerged into the light of day after withdrawing himself from society for the past 25 years. He has declared to the village his intention of finding a suitable young woman to marry so that the world will not be denied the chance of having living replicas of his ownestimable self.

Mr Behenna has lived with only his collection of goats for company for the past quarter century. Inevitably, he has become particularly attached to certain of his animals over the years and he has made it clear that his new wife -- whoever she may be - must accept the close bond he has forged with Henry, his ram.

Henry is an accomplished xylophone player and enjoys a glass of cider in the evenings when nestling down with Jasper. "I am sure that some young lady out there will appreciate an easy life of loving and giving with Henry and myself", says Jasper.

Roundup unmasks member of St Buryan Music Combo!
A perplexing cloak of mystery surrounds the new music combo that has taken West Penwith by storm in recent weeks, Their greatest moment was their performance last week before a packed crowd of 9 people at St John's Hall in Penzance. As they always appear in make-up and clown outfits, no one has a clue who they could be -- or didn't before the newshounds of the Roundup got on the case.

We can now reveal that the double bass player is none other than Larson Trevaskis, who, as reported in this paper, appeared before Bodmin magistrates last year on several counts of interfering with animals. Mr Trevaskis (45) of Chyangwens, Boswedden Lane, St Just, lost his job with the RSPCA as a result. Mr Trevaskis would not comment today on the Roundup’s unmasking of his new musical persona. Investigations continue as to the identity of the other players. Watch this space.
LOCAL DOCTOR IN SEX SCANDAL
The West Cornwall medical world was rocked by revelations made by a Ludgvan housewife, Mrs Everelda Fidock (57), about a leading Relubbas physician, Dr Jeremiah Tonkin.

Mother of 12 Mrs Fidock (left) attended Dr Tonkin’s surgery to seek his help following persistent attacks of flatulence over a period of 5 days.

"I tried everything myself to try and shift ‘un, but I jes couldn' stop fartin'. The las' straw was las' Sunday when I was up Chapel. The Minister asked we to pause fer silent reflection. It went on fer minutes and I felt a belter comin' on. I squeezed and shuffled, but couldn shut n off. Then out it came, like a blast from a git foghorn. I never bin so embarrassed, didn' know where to look. Everyone looked at me, so I felt I 'ad to say something and I said "I’m sorry about coughing so loud. I’m goin' straight up to Dr Tonkin’s tomorrow to sort n out."

Respected, but somewhat eccentric physician, Dr Tonkin (pictured on the left) has acquired a reputation for his sometimes unorthodox approach to diagnosis. In Mrs Fidock's case, Dr Tonkin insisted on cutting away the patient's clothing until she was entirely naked, as a prelude to various intimate examinations of several hours duration. Eventually, he was able to conclude that Mrs Fidock had a "gippy tummy", for which he prescribed aspirin accompanied by vigorous press-ups. Various other female patients of the Relubbus surgery have now come forward to make similar allegations of impropriety in respect of Dr Tonkin. The doctor has remained steadfastly quiet in the face of these rumblings of discontent. A co-opted member of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) , Dr Tonkin continues to enjoy the full support of the council, according to Councillor Billy Spargo.
POLICE NOTICE: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Police are on the lookout for a hardened member of the West Penwith criminal community and ask the public to report him on sight. The man, pictured here on the left, is Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash. Wanted for eleven robbery attempts (all failed), the latest of which took place last Saturday at Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance, Dash is believed to have slipped into the underworld of Crows an Wra.

LONELY HEARTS

Alfonso Trembath, 37, of Tremethick Cross, wishes to meet a young lady who will share his life of derring do. Alfonso believes that he is Zorro. However, now that the police have taken away his swords and have him under close 24-hour observation, they believe that he is relatively safe to remain in the community.

Pictured at home, wearing his favourite indoor hat and cloak and clutching the remains of a takeaway rat in a brown paper bag, Alfonso looks forward to his advert resulting in a string of intimacies with young ladies -- possibly and hopefully simultaneously. Hidden in the picture is Alfonso’s bedridden 78 year old mother, Bathsheba, whose head and upper body have been covered in an old carpet for the photo. Alfonso expects that the new lady of his life will also become a carer for his mother, thus relieving him of a burden to which his mental challenges render him unequal. Box 3067

Abdul al Islamiye al Qabar al Pendeen (48) is a lonely man. Living on the outskirts of Pendeen, Abdul cannot remember how he came to leave his native Saudi Arabia to live in Cornwall, where, for the past 30 years, he has lived most unhappily alone. Entirely content in his career as a bus conductor for Western National, where he specialised in the Penzance- St Just route, he finds that his non-professional life does not live up to expectations.

"I have no wife to share me, there is it no mosque in Pendeen, no Muslim social club. I spit on your pubs and loose women, who do not cover it up themselves. Cornwall is it soon to be all Muslim -- all women cover it. I close it all pubs, make all speak Arabic. I introduce it Sharia law throughout whole Pendeen and whole Cornwall. I make it all you suffer for it you laugh at me. [There is no box number for this ad as Abdul does not seek a woman from outside his community. He merely wishes to use these columns to make his feelings known. Ed]

Derick Penberthy (42) of Ludgvan is a farm labourer with a profound love of the natural world. Known locally as "frying pan", because of the frying pan he has clutched in his right hand since the age of 6, he is still able to complete all the jobs his employer tasks him with, using his left hand alone. Derick lives -- alone -- in a hedge on the Relubbus road and is looking for someone with whom he can share those tender moments that characterise the love between two people. Any women who see in Derick the challenge they have been waiting for are invited to write in to Box 3456.

Benjy Trewern (38) describes himself as "one o' they execeetive posh types, what duh earn lotsa money". Benjy lives in the Nanjizel home for the dangerously disturbed. He spends his busy days in the dissection of any living things that cross his path, with rats being a special treat. Benjy isn’t really allowed to associate with people outside the home without two male warders present. However, having now weaned himself off his obsession with Baby Spice, he is open to approaches from other women. Any young ladies with qualifications and experience in handling the dangerously disturbed and who believe that they can already see the light of a big potential love shining from Benjy’s eyes are asked to write to Box 5623.

Lucretia Bolitho (28) likes fun, fun and more fun. A happy-go-lucky waitress from the Newlyn Meadery, Lucretia was the All-Cornwall Tiddlywinks champion in 2005, and also holds a record for underwater ironing. She is sad that she has never had a boyfriend before ("someone to share some jokes and fun with!") and is now ready to rumba with the right man.

Lucretia is doing an Open University degree in Clowning and has lodged a patent on her own whoopee cushion invention, using her own captured wind. She is seeking a young man who will share her interests and make her laugh. Box 4981.

Violet Tregonning (54) is a solicitor from Copperhouse, Hayle. Violet has varied interests, ranging from Bible study classes, to singing in the chapel choir, to Sunday School mistress. She is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society and collects money for the British Heart Foundation and the Liberal Club. She is also a lifelong member of the RSPB. Following the recent unfortunate passing away of her sister, Violet now lives alone. She would now like to explore sharing her life with a man.

She has a particular interest in finding out more about the Kama Sutra, which she believes to be an oriental exercise book and would also like to try breakdancing. Lovestruck Romeos are asked to write in to Box 6730.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: Bush and Putin to set up home in Relubbus!
  

• Sugar "hopping mad" as Relubbus TV steals his ratings

• Camilla loses it! How her true identity was almost revealed!
  

• Relubbus man's around-the-world balloon flight attempt

• Roy Orbison spotted in TESCO!

• Report on the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

• Explosive interview with Parmenus Jelbart, Chairman of the Tregeseal IAQS

• Vickery sacked by Relubbus RFC!
  

• "Your Stars", with guest astrologer Swami Bhindra Conumdrum

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column: find that special someone
  

• And much, much more!