Issue 11, 10th September 2007

SCHOOL HEAD LASHES CORNISH LANGUAGE BOARD

The Headmaster of the prestigious Relubbus Grammar School has, in an impassioned speech, castigated the Cornish Language establishment for dereliction of duty and absence of the firm leadership that is required to steer the ship of language revival into the only safe and useful port -- usage of one form by the whole community.

Speaking at a meeting in Relubbus of the International Headmasters Conference, which he now chairs, Dr Hannibal Angove (57) stated that the promotion and development of the Cornish language was currently no better than a sad joke.

The Relubbus Grammar School has a vibrant foreign languages department that teaches 17 languages, including Welsh, Breton, and Irish. He had been asked to add Cornish to the list of languages and would have loved to have been able to do so, but is obliged to respond "Which one?" There are, at the last count, four different versions of the language, as well as six competing orthographies.

Unable to mask growing anger, he reported that he himself had learnt Cornish at the City Lit in London back in the very early 1980s. He added:
"I can report, with some pleasure, that I passed my first Language Board Exam. Years later, when I thought of resuming my studies, I discovered that the so-called leaders of the language revival had become infected with the fearsome virus of petty academic preciousness, which had led champions of different forms of Cornish to promote "their" version of the language, as though the matter of language revival were some parlour game.

"Given the small number of Cornish speakers, we could arrive at the ridiculous situation in which each person speaks and writes their own version of the language!"

Other voices within the Relubbus establishment have also called for one form of Cornish for all. And the mighty engines of the Relubbus commercial world, a potentially huge source of both financial and practical support, have held back from sponsoring the language. As R. C. Oates, Relubbus mega-multi-billionaire and owner of the superstore in Relubbus, put it:
"If they kent mek their minds up about one form of Cornish, I kent mek my mind up about givin’ they any money. I duh bin ‘appy to ‘ave Cornish used in the shop and I woulda ‘ad all the staff trained up -- both of them -- to talk Cornish, but I aren’t gunna do it till they duh mek up their minds first!"

Councillor Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, speaking from a caravan at Polperro, where he has been spending a romantic weekend with Madame Sarkozy, commented angrily, "Issa bleddy disgrace -- string ‘em all up! One language form before Christmas! Tha’s what I duh want!"
LUDGVAN LOVELIES "ABDUCTED BY ALIENS"
Two Ludgvan lovelies, the twins Loveday (21) and Rowena (21) Roskilly, have announced to the world, through the Roundup, that they have been abducted by aliens. They have given a graphic account of their experience, which is being taken seriously by RASA (the Relubbus Aeronautic and Space Authority).

Pictured here on the left, Loveday and Rowena are wearing the strange garb and headgear the aliens gave them and using the special devices they were given to communicate with the alien spaceship, now believed to be "parked" in near space just above Relubbus.

Formerly normal, happy-go-lucky girls, who both worked at Simpsons in Penzance and who enjoyed a laugh and lots of fun, they now speak in low robotic voices and show no interest in the things that formerly filled their lives.

The twins claim to have a series of messages and warnings for the rest of mankind. The "aliens" (called "Gwarks" in their own tongue) chose to come to Relubbus because it was obvious from their observations that only in Cornwall had humankind evolved to such a high degree of spiritual, mental, and physical excellence.

The primary Gwark messages (phrased in Cornish English) to mankind are:

"We aren’t ‘ere to ‘urt you. We duh wanna ‘elp.

"We’d dearly luv to come down and ave a bit geek roun'".

"Your Earth’ll burn up, if you duh carry on mistreatin' ov un like gat."

Rowena says that Gwarks look like spiders. They smell evil, but they "feel" good. They are warm. Light passes through them. They do not "speak", but generate thoughts that have the qualities of colour and music -- they can be seen and heard by the soul.

Loveday says that the first thing that happened to them on the ship was that they were showered. Their clothes were removed - "blown away like cobwebs" -- and then they had a sensation like being washed in a shower. They were "cleansed in every way, this was no mere shower in which surfaces and orifices were washed, but something deeper and more complex. They could feel that their very souls were being drenched in a loving, cleansing liquid, their minds and intellects were being rinsed and all impurities removed.

At the end of this process they found they were "connected" to Sumplumarntee, a leading Gwark, who had connected to all their orifices at once. "It was magical" said Rowena and Loveday in tandem.

Despite the RASA interest in the twins’ story, West Cornwall Police are keen to track down local women’s hairdresser, Willy Treglown, whose name was found on the headgear and clothing worn by the twins and who has been suspected of drugging his female clients for "obscure and nefarious purposes".
ART FORGERY SHOCK!
The art world recoiled in horror at the discovery that the most celebrated work of the renowned Relubbus minimalist painter, Squitho Botallack, hanging in the Relubbus International Gallery in Boswedden Lane, might be a fake.

Botallack achieved the pinnacle of his global fame with this work, which has been valued at $76 billion and which was his very last work before his untimely death at the age of 84, following one of his drinking bouts.

Botallack, pictured here on the left in a self-portrait completed during his more formal Pendeen period, was for many years a commanding, though controversial, figure in the world of art. An accomplished homosexual, the paintings of his many lovers (always painted from behind -- his trademark) adorn galleries throughout the world.

With a pathological fear of water, he mixed his paint with his own bodily fluids, which explains the unusual textures he was able to achieve in his work. Painting as he always did in total darkness, in his blackout room, he nonetheless earned the enduring envy and admiration of his fellow artists for his near magical use of light in his finished works. Close examination of any of his pieces reveals painstaking detail and effortless control in his brushwork, made all the more remarkable by the fact that he chose not to hold the brush but rather to insert it into his nose and paint by moving the head. ("I duh knaw where I'm going with it then!")

All his famous and infamous idiosyncrasies aside, Botallack bestrode the modern art world with a senatorial authority that admitted no opposition.

However, it was his last work which unquestionably placed him head and shoulders above all others and which rightly bestowed upon him the crown of minimalist achievement.

Pictured on the left, the "Empty Canvas" was famous for having no paint on it at all. Its appearance initially sparked controversy, but then all recognised Botallack’s genius in creating a medium for infinite artistic interpretation. He famously said, "It is all things to all men." The suggestion that the Relubbus gallery might be housing a fake has put the art world in a spin. Critics from all over the world have flown in to Relubbus and are expected to pronounce in a few days. The Roundup will bring you the news.

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Practical Solutions from Pengelly’s Shoes!
Gentlemen -- at last a practical shoe with a difference!

Designers at Pengelly’s Shoes in Penzance are constantly striving to find footwear solutions to the demands of the modern world. Imagine -- you have just had another heavy night down at the Bath Inn and, following many a repeated farewell to those you know and don’t know, emerge, much the worse for wear and assailed by the fresh night air, at the door of the pub, having to prop yourself up against the wall, while you try to remember whether you need to turn left or right to get home.

In this befuddled state, the walk back home can be a perilous one, as the eyes fight to focus on placement of the right foot and the difficult matter of balance is being tackled all alone by the forgotten left foot. This very often leads to heavy swaying and, however much or loudly one calls out to the shadows of the night, the swaying can lead to a bad fall and a lengthy lying down on the pavement, which could cause innocent passers-by to surmise that you have been drinking too much! Before long, it could be all over town! NO LONGER!

Modelled on the left by renowned habituee of the Swordfish Inn at Newlyn, "Shortie" Rosewarne, we have the Pengelly’s Shoes answer to this ticklish problem -- the PPS -- the Post Pub Stabilisers! These special shoes are 3 foot longer than your usual shoe and they help stop you from falling over when you are next legless coming out of the pub. "Shortie" says, "I duh get pissed up every night and I used to fall over regular goin’ ‘ome. These bleddy shoes ‘ave changed my life -- I don’t fall over n’ more!!"

Shortie is pictured here wearing his free trial pair of PPS after a particularly heavy night (12 pints) and, as his air of nonchalance betrays, he has absolutely no fear of falling over on his way home tonight.

So do the sensible thing, buy yourself (or ladies, buy your husband) a pair of Pengelly’s PPS for your night at the pub. Each pair is made to measure and is available in either yellow and blue or red and silver. They cost just £1,256 plus VAT.

Get pissed as a newt and still stand up straight
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MUSICAL GENIUS STRIKES HUGE AUDIENCE DUMB!
The Counthouse at Pendeen was the scene for the latest assault on the musical senses of the Cornish public by newly-discovered maestro, Percy Botheras (43). First known as a virtuoso triangle player, Botheras has now revealed that he is equally accomplished on the handbells.

The entire audience of 14 people (including this author) were swept up and held in a mesmeric state as -- for two whole days, with only eight short toilet breaks -- Botheras worked his way through the entire works of Beethoven and Wagner, in a solo performance, using just two bells.

Those of us who had witnessed him weaving his magical spell with his triangle a couple of weeks back should perhaps not have been surprised, but it was indeed a treat to be truly savoured to watch and hear Botheras "ringing the changes" in new, higher levels of interpretation of these musical greats.

One cannot help but believe that Wagner himself would have chosen Botheras’ handbell version of his works, if he had only had the opportunity to hear what we had the privilege of witnessing.

Mrs Sophie Bolitho-Polkinghorne (63), President of the Relubbus National Orchestra and just one of the West Cornish musical glitterati present, burst into tears of appreciative joy after the first eight hours of uninterrupted music.

We were all left to wonder how it is possible for a man with just two bells to paint such a complex canvas of sound, picked out and coloured with such a widely varying range and texture of emotion. It was as though the vibrations from those bells penetrated not merely the physical plane, but also the spiritual.

In short, the performance left us all stunned and drained. We knew that we had been greatly privileged and now eagerly await Botheras’ next musical extravaganza, though he is keeping this a closely guarded secret..

Since it was a two day event, catering was provided and the author, on behalf of himself and the rest of the audience, would like to thank Ginsters for their generous provision of one traditional medium pasty and one cheese and tomato sandwich. We would also like to thank Pendrewartha’s for the generous loan of a mobile toilet and provision of one and half toilet rolls.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!




BEN HUR

starring CHARLTON HESTON and JACK HAWKINS


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.




The Roundup says "Guten Tag" to the German Embassy
Continuing our very popular tour of the thriving and busy diplomatic community in Relubbus, we have recently called on the German Embassy at No. 34, Boswedden Lane, where we were most royally received by His Excellency Graf Heinrich von auf and zu Afterdingen-Kesselrath-Schlingsdorf-Klobuerste (45), who insisted that we simply call him "Heini".

He explained his delight to receive this posting to Relubbus: "In Chermany ve haff many times ze pleasure had, Cornvall to see in the razzer excellent television programmes, featuring stories from Rosamunde Pilcher. Zis has my appetite excited here to come."

Heini learnt all his English from his childhood tutor, Dr Dr Dr Dr ("zat is not a mistake, but 4 docturates!") Ludolf (Ludi) Kraus, a brilliant polymath and Renaissance man, who fired the young Heini up to excel in all things academic. "I can, vizout exaggeration, claim, zat English my greatest strengs vas. For zis reason, I am being chosen to represent Chermany here in Relubbus."

The German Embassy is a relatively small, but highly efficient operation. Heini is accompanied by his wife, Hildegard, who cooks, types and commands and is further assisted by three diligent diplomats, Hans, Knies and Bumsadaisy.

"Zat is my little choke. Zey are really Friedrich (von auf und zu Hansbuettel), Klaus (von auf und zu Kniesdorf) and Wolfgang (von auf und zu Bumsediesel). Vere vould ve be vizout a little humour, zat is vat I am asking you!"

The German Embassy is truly an unexpected bundle of fun, though also a place where solid work is done. The day starts at 6.00 am sharp with a rousing chorus of "Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit" (the words have changed, but it is the same old Deutschland song) followed by a hearty breakfast of coffee, rolls, Wurst, cheese and jam, followed by an one-hour run across the hills of Relubbus. At 7.25, one of the diplomats tells a joke and the other three must all laugh heartily. At 7.30 am sharp, "ze shop is open!". The embassy is open to all comers. It closes at 12.30 for lunch, opens promptly at 2.00 pm for 2 hours, and then shuts again. It operates from Monday to Friday and is open from 8.00 until 12 noon every first Saturday of the month.

Heini is a model railway enthusiast and he has constructed a line that cleverly runs throughout the entire embassy building, including the steep gradient from ground floor to upper floor in the spacious one-up one-down embassy building. All paperwork must be transported from desk to desk via the railway, which operates during embassy hours, and which keeps a strict timetable. Papers cannot and will not be passed directly from diplomat to diplomat -- if Heini spots any such illegal transfers, the papers are immediately ripped up "vatever zey are!"

Strict silence is also observed throughout the working day. At the end of the day, there is a requirement for the staff to chatter amongst themselves in a carefree way for four and a half minutes. Then, in the all-pervading spirit of fun that characterises this embassy, each diplomat is required to tell a joke, which all the others must find funny.

Heine informs us "Our Kanzlerin, Frau Angela Merkel, regards zis diplomatic posting as more important zan zat anyvere else. Ze goal of good relations with Cornvall and viz Relubbus in particular is za key to German foreign policy."

At 5.33 pm, we were told a joke -- at which we were clearly expected to laugh heartily -- and then asked to leave.
Edward Shortwave-Radio shares a moment with Roundup Readers

Pictured on the left, Mr Edward Shortwave-Radio (103) is an Englishman who has come to love Cornwall. He shares with us some thoughts on the contemplation of Mount's Bay.

"The balmy evening light sheds a warm glow over this magical West Cornish bay. It needs no further optical adornment. But there before me lies a sometimes sea-bound mount with a castle at its top. This is a beacon to all those who come from the corner of the world that is known as West Penwith. It is a beacon too to those of us from up country, who have come to love this jewel of the Celtic lands. When you see it, you know you have 'arrived'. There are indeed those who would argue the same for Redruth or, of course, for Camborne, as well as many other places all the way up to the Tamar, but I am with the men of West Penwith, both because of the land itself, which I love, and because of my Eliza...

"I stand on the land above Nancledra, that beating heart of economic progress that dreams dreams of becoming a Relubbus of the future. From this vantage point, I can see the sweep of the bay -- the countless glittering stars of sea ripples caught by the evening sun. Beneath me, Gulval Churchtown snoozes in the benevolent warmth of the sun and there amongst the folk lucky enough to call this place home is Eliza Polglaze, the love of my life.

"It is not Eliza's achievements that won my heart, though they are many. She is the winner of the 1956 Gulval one-legged sack race, the runner-up in the 1961 All-Penwith underwater live-frog dissection contest, champion pasty crimper in Gulval for ten consecutive years and now, latterly, over 90s champion for speed dribbling. Eliza is a woman of heart, of physical passion, of refined cultural taste. Oh yes, her badges of recognition are not won only in the realm of physical achievement. She still holds the championship she won in 1954 for marathon banjo-playing of 74 hours -- none has matched that record. Further, she won the Jacques Chirac prize for French poetry in 2006.

"I will walk now down the hill to her cottage and we will sit together in the garden in the evening light -- holding hands -- and, though we will use no words, yet we shall softly speak volumes to one another.

"If all could know the warmth of love that I now know, there would be no war, nor bitterness. There would be no grubby greed, nor would there be a Tesco".
'OOS DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section

Gulval mourns passing of Jemima Uren
Jemima Uren (105) passed away suddenly last week whilst tending her beloved herd of lamas. A true character of the village, what she lacked in personal hygiene was more than made up for by her abundant eccentricity. Married 7 times, she had 6 children, 21 grandchildren, and 32 great-grandchildren. Her youngest child, Elsie, herself now 83, said "Ma did dearly like to ‘ave a laugh almost as much as she liked her pipe and baccy".

Pictured here on the left, puffing on her favourite pipe, Jemmie -- as she liked to be called -- had a penetrating high-pitched cackle, which you usually heard before you saw her. An enterprising businesswoman, she was always on the lookout for the main chance. Her latest venture, which hadn’t quite taken off, involved her herd of 124 lamas. She had purchased them with the intention of launching a new line of lama milk, butter, and cream.

Sadly, the whole herd turned out to be male, as she discovered herself when she tried to milk each one of them. "I thought it wadden proper, when they lamas turned out to ’ave only one teat. I bin milkin’ all my life and I thought doing they lamas would be a piece of piss. Turned out tha’s all it was!"

Jemmie’s funeral will take place at Gulval Church next Tuesday at 3.00pm.

Tragic death of Nancledra’s Albanian milkman
Much-loved plumber, Qerim Kutishi (59), originally and proudly from Albania, but for the last 35 years living in Nancledra, passed away unexpectedly at the weekend.

Qerim was very secretive about his past life and, indeed, his current home life. His wife, Pranvera, whom we had hitherto never even seen, came to light for the first time yesterday.

Despite this extreme secrecy, Qerim was a highly competent plumber and, though he never really mastered more than about 30 English words (two of which were "Proper Job"), he always made himself understood with adroit hand signals and a laugh and a ready smile. He was popular wherever he went and, for that reason, was never out of work.

He became known as the "military plumber", because he always wore a curiously old-fashioned military uniform whether at work or even just out shopping. His lithe and energetic form could often be seen hurtling through Morrison’s on some urgent shopping mission to locate obscure ingredients for some Albanian recipe. But if he recognised you he would stop just long enough to smile and utter "I out shop for vife". Since "vife" was one of his 30 words, yet no one had ever seen Mrs Kutishi, people were naturally very curious to see this mystery woman.

Espying through the window the freshly deceased Qerim lying prostrate on the kitchen floor, neighbours knocked for 15 minutes on the door and, when no one answered, broke in.

Petite Mrs Kutishi was sitting wordless in a chair, watching the lifeless form of her husband with doleful big eyes.

It seems that she could neither speak nor move. The sheer shock of the experience of seeing her husband die in front of her seems to have caused her to go into some form of deep paralysis. It also appears to have caused her to shrink very considerably -- she appeared to be only 1 foot six inches high.

Furthermore,, the trauma had caused her to become tragically thin and her skin seemed just like plastic to the touch.

Mrs Kutishi was rushed to hospital by worried neighbours and deeply concerned ambulance men for an urgent examination. After several hours of painstakingly careful tests, doctors were able to establish that Mrs Kutishi appears to be a doll.

It was decided that the doll should be laid to rest with the remains of Mr Kutishi next Wednesday. Both body and doll can be viewed for the purpose of taking photographs, according to old Albanian tradition, at the Nancledra Londis store and chapel of rest.

LONELY HEARTS waiting for you!
Readers -- feast your eyes and write in to these lovelies, who are waiting to hear from you...

Aglem Ter (22) is a cook at the Papua New Guinea Embassy in Relubbus and, like many of the other inhabitants of foreign embassies here, has fallen in love with the place and does not wish to go home, preferring instead to find a local man and stay here.

She would like to meet a young blood of no more than 30 years of age and would like him to own his own hut outright (no mortgage) and to have more than 20 pigs. Aglem says that she is a dab hand in the kitchen and coyly adds that she would like to be adventurous with the right man.

She is no fool and was the abacus champion at school. She is fond of collecting shells and has made her own weapons (knife, spear and bow and arrows), in the use of which she is truly formidable. She is prepared to make herself useful in disputes with the neighbours. She is very fond of cats and has made all her own clothes from their fur afterwards. She is expert in the preparation of "long pig", a special delicacy back home.

If you want a homely but dependable girl, who can pull her weight in your journey through life then Box 5620 is the one for you.

Gwen Harvey (41) works in the Newlyn Harbourmaster’s office and, as you can see, is a lady of some refinement -- she is pictured here in her working clothes. She lives with her one-legged widower father (Stan) and derives much pleasure from carving legs of different wood and for different occasions for her dad -- "the Christmas one ‘ve got ‘olly all up an down it".

Of a musical frame of mind, Gwen is an expert yodeller and can play the jew’s harp with considerable dexterity and speed. Very at home in the kitchen, she likes to make jams and marmalades and, being Gwen, she does so with a difference. Occasionally, she puts something "special" in the mixture and the eater has to guess what it is -- recent past surprises have included flying ants (when in season), 2-stroke engine oil, and chicken droppings. Gwen has very bad teeth and would ideally like to meet a dentist. Box 4781

Tommy Jacka (65) works at Relubbus Nurseries and lives in a field near Goldsithney. His heroes are Dolly Parton, President Bush and Saddam Hussein. He is divorced, since his wife could no longer stand his life-long obsession that he is, in reality, Geronimo. She also grew tired of living outdoors.

Tommy was an only child and grew up in Germoe. Psychiatrists believe that the passing similarity between the name of his birthplace and that of his chosen alter ego might be the explanation for his assumption of the latter. He is a man of few words and even fewer clothes and possessions (he wears no trousers!) but is passionate about the environment and would like to meet a young woman who will share his love of the outdoor life and with whom he can start a family.

Tommy communicates in his own version of an Indian language and likes to greet with an outstretched hand and a firm "How!" He is short of cash and would like his bride to possess her own horse. As he is getting on in years, he would also like her to bring her own tepee so that he can enjoy some protection from the elements in the autumn of his life. Box 7291

Alice Spargo (25), niece of GRUC firebrand Councillor Billy Spargo, finds that her high connections in the Relubbus political community often frighten off men, so she has decided to advertise here to find the man of her dreams. Alice, the self-styled "Queen of Gweek", is pictured on the left in her regalia, being admired by the residents (she says "my subjects") of Gweek.

Relubbus observers have often thought that her uncle Billy might marry her off to a foreign royal or political leader in order to cement relations between Relubbus and, say, China or Russia. But she is looking for her own "prince", who must "be good at darts, sink 8 pints no problem, be under 30, play the piccolo, speak Norwegian and have his own car." Come on Relubbus! Box 5932

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXTREMIST MINISTER CALLS FOR METHODIST JIHAD

• SPARGO STATUE "TOO YOUTHFUL"

• WESTERN ROCK GOES BUST!

• EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO BE TWINNED WITH RIO

• Gates Slips To Third In World's Richest Rankings

• Research Station in Sennen discovers "intelligent fish"

• The Roundup visits the French Embassy in Relubbus

• 'OOS DEAD? Our popular Obituaries section.

• Lonely Hearts of West Cornwall.
  

• And much, much more!