Issue 16, 19th November 2007

ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON
By London correspondent Sylvia Cook

If you've visited the capital recently you cannot have failed to notice the various chains of Cornish pasty shops that seem to be propagating themselves everywhere. Two of the newest chains are "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!", the lastest venture of the Relubbus mega-capitalist R.C. Oates, and "Oggies 4 All", owned by Oates' arch-rival, the stupendously wealthy Marazion billionaire W.G. Trevaskis.

Oates' declared aim is to 'put a pasty shop on every London street', while Trevaskis swears to match Oates' every move. The consequence is that many London streets now contain branches of both "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All", often next door to each other!

It is small wonder that some residents are expressing disquiet. The Roundup visited the capital and interviewed a cross-section of Londoners who have had to bear the brunt of the pasty invasion. Many feel that their local culture is being undermined by the "foreign" invasion.

'It is not possible to obtain proper Muslim food here any more. Our local Halal butcher has been taken over by "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!". Now all you can buy here is "Pasties", "Eavy Cake" (whatever that is), "Clotted Cream", "Saffern Buns", and "Og's Puddin"! Everything's changed. It just doesn't feel like home any more.' Mrs Fiona Assad, Southall.




'Our bagel shop has gone. Instead, all we've got is "Oggies 4 All". It's not kosher!' Mo Rosenthal, Golder's Green.



'When I came here from Gdansk two years ago I could get all Polish food at the corner shop, imported direct from Warsaw -- pierogi, kolaczki, makowiec, babka cakes. Now "Oggies 4 All" has bought them out and I can't get anything I recognize. I don't like that foreign Cornish food!' Krysta, Notting Hill.







'The Cornish have no business coming up here. Cornwall is a place one goes to on holiday, where one has one's second home. We need them down there to do the gardening, etc.' T. Blair, Islington.






'Hampstead property prices have plummeted since "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All" moved in.' Rupert Fawcett-Fawcett, Hampstead.

UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY
By Grubber Trevorrow. Photographer Snapper Kelynack
The luminous glare of a full moon on a cloudless night lights up the landing strip at St Just airport, as the French air force jet comes in to land. It is 3:30 in the morning and all law-abiding folks are tucked up in bed. A Robin Reliant motor car, specially selected to blend in with local traffic, hushes its way, almost silently, up to the steps of the jet plane. A lone figure ghosts down the steps in the silvery light and quickly leaps into the car, which then steals away into the West Penwith night.

Unknown to this figure, two silent sleuths have both witnessed and captured the scene. These are none other than the Relubbus Roundup’s own winning reporting duo, Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack. Tipped off by one of the Roundup’s informants at the Elysee, the two staked out the airport and tracked every subsequent movement of the "lone figure", who is, of course, the French President M. Nicolas Sarkozy.

As Sarkozy drove off into the night, quickly accelerating the Cornish-registered mean machine to its maximum speed of 19 and a half miles per hour, Trevorrow and Kelynack reached for their bicycles and set off in silent but hot pursuit. After several minutes of hard peddling, Trevorrow and Kelynack were relieved to see the Robin Reliant slow down, pull into a little drive outside Heamoor, and come to a halt.

Then it struck them! This was the childhood home of Agnes Spargo (89), Billy Spargo’s estranged wife, who had now taken to living there again, after her husband had moved in with Madame Cecilia Sarkozy. It seemed that the lure of sweet revenge had led the French President to strike up a relationship with Spargo’s estranged spouse.

Observations over the next few days showed that Sarkozy was so blinded by his desire for revenge on both his wife and Councillor Spargo that he was prepared to overlook Mrs Spargo’s numerous physical ailments in his quest for vengeance. In between their trysts, he was seen wheeling Mrs Spargo out for an afternoon stroll, wearing a heavily scented scarf around his face, both to mask his identity and to afford some protection from the virulent smells emanating from Mrs Spargo’s body.

As to the origins of his jealousy, few who have seen them together can doubt the sincerity of the mutual devotion which Councillor Billy Spargo and Madame Cecilia Sarkozy bring to one another.

Smouldering beauty Cecilia (34) deserted her husband and left him alone in the cold, comfortless formality of the Elysee Palace. She is now ensconced in a secret love-nest in Tremethick Cross, where she spends each day waiting for the return of the new man in her life, for whom she has given up so much and for whom she now lives and breathes. She can now only occasionally be glimpsed taking her pet lizard (Nik Nik) out for a stroll.

The new man in her life is, of course, none other than the hugely powerful and influential leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, Councillor Billy Spargo (81), shown here wearing his latest disguise, in an unsuccessful attempt to shake off the relentless Relubbus press corps.

Relubbus-watchers are astounded at the vital energies of this man, who devotes 10 hours a day to the affairs of state in Relubbus Town Hall, interrupted only by his mid-day break for his daily pasty (bicycled around to him fresh from the factory at St Just). Despite this phenomenal workload, which would exhaust a far younger man, Spargo (86) is known also to have a passionate and physically demanding relationship with young Mrs Sarkozy (22), which is also a part of his daily routine.

It was last Wednesday, on the third day of his visit, which he had hitherto believed to have been conducted in total anonymity, that President Sarkozy (42) was cornered by Grubber Trevorrow outside the chip shop in Causewayhead, Penzance, and quizzed about his relationship with Mrs Spargo (99).

By this time, the whole Relubbus press pack (never far from Trevorrow) had assembled around the beleaguered French President and was battering him with relentless questioning. In the face of all this, he clutched a photograph of Mrs Spargo (103) and, with tears beginning to flow down his cheeks, he declared with a slightly strained, but proud, voice "Je ne regrette rien!"

With these words, he retreated to his Robin Reliant and sped off back to Heamoor.



CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!
By Cornish Culture correspondent Rendell Janner
Cornish Language Instructors are amazed at the sudden explosion of interest in learning the Cornish language -- which is being replicated all over the land. Pictured below is one of 23 new Cornish evening classes which have just started up in Heamoor alone. Class sizes are being limited to 120. The 2,760 new students of the language in Heamoor are matched by countless thousands all over the rest of the county.

Mrs Elspeth Treloar, who runs the Heamoor Evening Institute, is amazed. "We don’t know what’s going on. Last year we ‘ad two people fer car maintenance, one fer crochet, and one fer French. This year, we got 2,760 fer Cornish. I never seen the like of ‘un before!"

This amazing and unprecedented demand for instruction in Cornish, which county-wide amounts to some 78,000 new students, has led politicians to wonder what significance it could have. The UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, who is perennially nervous about how he is being perceived by the public, is particularly concerned by the fact that interest in learning Cornish extends far beyond the borders of Cornwall, with several tens of thousands of students attending classes from Plymouth all the way up to London.

Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council has not yet made the learning of Cornish a political issue, but all eyes are upon him as the numbers of people wanting to learn the language spiral beyond anything we have seen before.

(As reported in our last issue, in future prospective immigrants to Relubbus -- of whom there are many -- will be required to learn Cornish. Ed.)
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BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute

The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle shows no sign of resolving itself, as heavy fighting continues in the area of "Merlin's Magical Land", the theme park seized by the Haylors during the "Six Day War" of 1968.

The Republic's crack troops, the First Hayle Alpine Brigade, are reported to be advancing on a broad front, with the avowed intention of "pushing the Greater Relubbus Expeditionary Force (GREF) into the sea". Presumably, the "sea" referred to is the Channel coast, since the Republic's troops are currently moving southwards, away from the Hayle estuary.

The GREF high command is said to be regrouping its 7th Armoured Division of Humvee Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs), in preparation for an Autumn counter-strike, before the winter rains make the conditions for armoured warfare untenable.




ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE GUNS OF NAVARONE

starring GREGORY PECK, DAVID NIVEN, and ANTHONY QUINN


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY
The Iranian Embassy in Relubbus is not situated in the diplomatic quarter, but is located in a cottage in Tregarthen Lane, a part of Relubbus inhabited by many followers of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist sect, the Golems.

His Excellency Ambassador Ahmed Al Dinner-Jacket explained, "We feel it very at home with Golem Methodists, who have it belief very much like it we do." The "we" refers to his young assistant, Mr Lari-Fari Rafsanjani, who sat next to him on the sofa during the interview.

He elucidated further that the Golem way of life was so close to that of the Iranian that they often felt like they were at home. The practice of the Golems in referring constantly to "eeyupabove" was at one with the practice of Iranian devouts in their frequent calls to the almighty.

He also referred to the Golem belief that women were the "work of the devil", ever since Eve had led Adam astray. Women had to be put up with as punishment for man’s fall, but women were to be treated as the lowest of all the low. It was therefore the duty of all right-thinking men to frequently chastise their women. The many restrictions on Golem women -- to remain covered at all times, to observe strict silence at all times (particularly during the daily beatings!), to keep the home and the other belongings of the husband spotless at all times -- all this made the Ambassador and his assistant feel comfortable and at home. "Golems recognise that women have to be endured, although some of us are lucky enough to be spared that onerous duty", he said, fondly squeezing his assistant’s knee.

At this point Lari-Fari darted off to the kitchen, where he quickly rustled up some Ash Reshteh (a hearty soup) followed by Kookoo ( a type of omelette) with Adasi (lentils). As we dined on these surprisingly tasty offerings, Ahmed volunteered "I do not know it what I would do it without my Lari-Fari. He is good at it in garden, good at it in office, good at it in kitchen, good... well, everywhere he is good at it", at which point the assistant blushed with awkward and embarrassed pride, not quite knowing where to look.

The Ambassador explained that the economic might of Relubbus was such that it left the Iranian Republic no choice but to have a presence here. However, it had proved an unexpected delight to find kindred spirits in the extreme Methodist fundamentalists. This had given rise to much interest back home in Teheran and arrangements were well in hand for cultural and religious exchanges between Tehran and Relubbus.

The Ambassador noted that the Iranian people had much to learn from the Methodist fundamentalists about the treatment, and particularly the beating, of women. A guest speaker from Relubbus had been invited to address the 8th Teheran Symposium on Female Chastisement later this year. With a fond glance at the demurely blushing Lari-Fari, the Ambassador said again, "We feel so at home here!"

An awkward silence followed and we got the clear impression that we were somehow intruding on private time. We consequently made our excuses and left.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

All over West Cornwall, there are lonely people. These are people, who -- if only they could find the right partner -- would be completely happy. The sad fact is that Mr or Miss Perfect could be just around the corner. If only they could meet. The Relubbus Roundup is pleased to be able to act as an introduction agency by publishing the following personal advertisements. Read them and you could find your soulmate.

Jasper Trembath (32) is not just offering you flowers -- he is offering you his undivided attention. He has rather a lot of time on his hands, since no one has sought fit to employ him. He has been seeking a job as a puppet impersonator ever since he has left school -- 16 years ago.

He lives with his Mum in Goldsithney, but both he -- and she -- are agreed that he would be allowed to leave home to go to the right woman, provided that she did not live further than 15 minutes drive.

Jasper is still deciding on what hobbies he should take up. Until he comes to a decision, he is more than content to watch daytime television with his Mum. Jasper’s favourite meal is bangers and mash, followed by strawberry ice cream. He eats this every day and would like a girl who can cook this for him, when he leaves Mum. His ideal girl will own her own home, have a steady job (with hours from 7.00 am to 9.00 am, while Jasper is still sleeping), drive a nice fast car, and share his love of daytime television. If this is you and you like the look of Jasper, then write to Box 4561.


Grizelda Tonkin (34) is a nail manicurist from Ludgvan. She had a difficult upbringing and did spend some time in jail for a variety of offences, ranging from car-jacking to shoplifting and mugging. She says that she has put crime well behind her now, but that her time inside did give her a useful trade -- that’s where she learnt to be a fully qualified manicurist.

A saucy girl, who likes to laugh, she enjoys a regular drink or two with some of her other reformed ex-prisoner friends. However, real fulfilment will only come once she has found the man in her life. She would like to hear from Denzil Trevains (great-nephew of the late lamented Banjo Trevains), a garage mechanic in Marazion, but if he is not interested, then she would be pleased to hear from anyone who is male and who is keen on natural blondes. Box 3498 is the one to write to.


Veronica Laity (24) is a charming, pretty, vivacious girl who works behind the counter at Spiegelhalter’s in Penzance. She likes to think of (and dress) herself as the fairy of Heamoor, where she still lives with her family. She is waiting to meet her Prince Charming.

Veronica is a busy girl. She is a member of the Heamoor handbell group. She also helps run the girl guide troop in Heamoor. On top of all that, you will be amazed to read that she also voluntarily spends two hours a day at the Old Folks' home in Heamoor. Given all that busyness, it is difficult to imagine where she also found the time to contract the various sexual diseases for which she is now receiving treatment. However, this weekend will see her get the "all clear" -- gents, hesitate no longer! Box 4562.


Lucy Quick (44) is a music and dance teacher from Botallack near St Just. Lucy has been married twice, but unfortunately both husbands died from nervous exhaustion in strenuous circumstances. Lucy is hoping that "this will be third time lucky!"

Lucy does not mind what her suitors do for a living nor does she care what they look like, but she is insistent that they must have a strong constitution.

Interested applicants are advised to write to Box 4571, but they should be aware that Lucy will be holding "auditions".



Martin Nankervis (28), seen here being supported by his father (after coming home from a date), is of a nervous disposition. He is a washing machine repairman and works in the Lizard area, where he also lives with his widower father.

Martin lacks confidence and love-struck ladies should be aware that Martin’s dad will be accompanying him on all dates "to make sure that the boy’s alright."

Martin earns £145 a week -- after tax -- and can, therefore, be regarded as something of a catch. However, he remains unsure if he can relate to girl "if dad isn’t there".

Could you imagine falling in love with and taking care of this gorgeous hunk of a man (and his dad)? If you can, then Box 5093 is the one for you.

Vernon Lanyon (43) is a carpenter and builder from Tregeseal with his own very successful business. Having built up the business over the past twenty years through sheer hard work, he is now looking for a young woman to share the fruits of his labours and of his loins.

Apart from looking after him and the house, his wife should also help him look after his seagull collection. He currently holds some 3,000 gulls captive.

Each day, he takes one out for "experiments". If they survive, they are allowed to fly away, though this does prove difficult without wings. Vernon hopes to be the first human being to fly (without engines) and is using gulls' wings and feathers to construct a device to enable him to do this. If you would like to share the life of this lovely and adventurous man, then Box 6682 is the one for you.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!

• Review of "WHO ATE MEGAN'S GOOSE", the latest production from impressario Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit

• "YOUR STARS", with famed Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge

• OBITUARIES: RELUBBUS SAYS SAD FAREWELL TO "SOSHUL" POLGLAZE

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE SPANISH EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!