SITHNEY PASTY-CRIMPING TEAM WINS AGAIN!

Pictured below is the Sithney Pasty-crimping team, which beat all-comers -- including 14 separate teams from Relubbus -- to win the coveted Relubbus Open Crimping contest.

The proud team, pictured here before the contest at their training camp, are, from the left: Elspeth Lutey (23), Jennifer Curnow (31), Gladys Polwhele (29), Letitia Tregonning-Polkinghorne-Clemo (34 and team captain), "Windy" Bosavern (27), Agnes Baragwaneth (31) and Loveday Peninula (28).

The four day contest saw the 500 competitors crimp some 500,000 pasties -- all of which have found their way to the burgeoning Australian and Canadian markets.

Style and sheer skill saw the Sithney team storm home to success (for the fourth year running!) following an almost acrobatic display in the underwater handcuffed crimping heat, in which team captain (Letitia TPC) showed her worth by crimping 50 pasties underwater with her bare feet, whilst holding her breath for an unbelievable 6 minutes. Posthumously, she was awarded the competition medal for outstanding individual performance.

Elspeth Polwhele and Agnes Baragwaneth swept the field in the boxing glove crimping doubles. Hampered by wearing heavyweight gloves, they managed to crimp four pasties (sufficiently strongly to hold together despite being thrown the regulation 30 feet) in just under an hour, beating their nearest rivals from the Tuckingmill team (Ariminta Trenoweth (23) and Cordelia Uren (39) - two pasties) and the Troon team (Peggy Oppy (31) and Rosezina Cock (23) - 1 pasty).

Competition judges Amelia Beglehole (65), Kitty Trewelah (64), Livinia Caddy (45), and Harriet Hicks (132) all agreed that the standards were getting higher year on year. Miss Hicks, speaking with the aid of an electronic transmogrifier, which makes the voice inside the coffin easier to hear, stated "I ent never seen s' much smart crimping. They maids are sum clever!"

Miss Caddy, as well as a judge a champion herself (having come 17th in the 1987 Nancledra Lesbian Ladies Bowling Competition), declared that new and more demanding heats will be required in order to sort out the competition's future winners. Ideas currently being considered include: 1. Crimping in a methane-filled container; 2. Crimping using only firedogs; 3. Distance crimping, using mental powers alone, at a distance of 50 yards.

Willy Ladner and Benjy Friggens of Relubbus National Television (RNT -- or "Our Entie", as it is commonly known) confirmed that the competition would continue to be shown on television in Cornwall.