LESSER KNOWN RELUBBUS SOCIETIES

Relubbus is justly famed throughout the world for its vibrant intellectual life. It is home to a great many clubs and societies devoted to philosophical, poetical, and musical pursuits.

The Roundup now takes you on a journey of the lesser known societies that grace and enrich our beloved Relubbus Aeturnus.

Relubbus Naturist Club

Pictured on the left -- an outing of the Relubbus Naturists' Club's cycling group.

Tucked away at No 32 Prospidnick Avenue is the unassuming home of Jed "Stumpy" Kelynack (79) and his wife Vera (57).

Jed, who has been one-legged ever since an unfortunate accident involving a badger when he was just 12, has resolutely refused to allow his uni-pedal status to interfere with his life. Dismissing sticks and crutches as 'sissy stuff', he simply hops everywhere.

Jed is the proud, but somewhat unlikely, chair of the unusual Relubbus Naturists' Club. The club is traditional only in the sense that its members perform various activities in the nude. It is unusual in its unorthodox selection of activities, for the pursuit of which there are sub sections.

The picture above shows the cycling section, which has 84 members. This cycling club is like any other apart from the fact that its members all whistle in harmony whilst pedalling. Jed is sadly unable to cycle alone since he only has the one leg, but he does ride tandem with Vera and is the "lead whistle".

Another hugely popular sub-group is the crochet circle (38 members). It has the unusual unexpected attribute that it is, at the same time, a conversational French group.

A third group is the rhetoric and cake-making group. Given its high standards in both rhetoric and cake-making, there are only 12 members in this group at present.

Last, but not least, there is the hugely popular break-dancing and Gregorian chant group. Both activities are difficult enough, but performed together they are very exacting indeed.

All of these activities are, we repeat, pursued in the the nude and Jed, as the enthusiastic chair of the society, is in each one of them and proficient in all.

Heavy Duty Knitting Club

On the left is Clarence Clemo (31). Clarence is a self-confessed 'heavy duty knitter'. (He made the hat he is wearing during a single episode of Eastenders) Five years ago he formed a help-group for other people who suffer from Uncontrollable Compulsive Knitting Syndrome (UCKS).

The compulsive nature of UCKS means that few people are willing to own up to membership and even Clarence is more than a little sheepish about the help-group he has founded. The astounding revelation he has made is that, in the five years since knowledge of the group has seeped out, 5% of the entire population of Greater Relubbus has confessed to suffering from this syndrome and has applied to join to get help.

Clarence says that it takes a long time to 'turn' a true knitting addict, but the group (with its 55,000 members in Greater Relubbus alone) has already had success in 'cleaning up' some 150 former addicts, who have put their needles away for good.

Anyone affected by any of the issues mentioned in this article, who would like to talk to someone in confidence can call the club's confidential 'Stop Knitting' helpline on Relubbus 456456.

Cyrano de Bergerac Society

Particularly popular with the 18 to 32 age range, the fast-growing Cyrano de Bergerac Society can count members from as young as 3 and as old as 104. The only requirement for membership is convincing plastic surgery so as to achieve an outward appearance such as that depicted on the left.

The group -- with 34 members -- meets every Thursday and Saturday night in the social room of the Relubbus Deep Sea Mission. Members have to speak in a heavily French-accented English and all talk of television programmes is banned.

Given the almost prohibitive cost of the surgery, membership is not expected to grow beyond the numbers already secured from the Relubbus plutocracy. If you are tempted, you can telephone Relubbus 459872 for information on necessary surgery and joining the society.