RELUBBUS ROUNDUP CLASSIFIEDS

Men seeking women

Old fart, 82 but not yet dead, seeks stunning blonde between 25 and 29, who will lavish love upon me. Must be solvent, as I aren’t. Tel 0905 446 4612

Young chapelgoer (32) seeks partner of whom mother would approve. Must be of child-bearing years, clean driving licence and no diseases. Tel 0905 449 7632

Sparkling, articulate, overweight male (45), own teeth and own van. Married but seeks discreet female partners for playing away. Tel 0905 662 8712

Women seeking men

Early 50s female only slightly deaf, bubbly attractive petite (3ft 2 ins tall), but sonorously flatulent seeks kind-hearted man with own car and similar affliction. Likes pub evenings, bingo and crosswords. Tel 0905 884 4523

Ludgvan female accountant (43) emerging from nasty divorce seeks fun-loving plumber with fondness for woodland animals. No sex, please! Tel 0905 728 1183

Other people seeking other people

Derek is 52, single, and lives in Mevagissey. A milkman all his life and very keen on darts (which he plays every night), he is excited by the thought of barbed wire and bondage and would like to meet similar men to share interests and maybe more. Tel 0905 674 3283

Single badger (27) looking for mate and not too particular! Tel 0905 693 4528


FOR SALE

Box 3 Petrol-powered automatic toothbrush for sale with litre of petrol £9.50

Box 4 Gent’s pink and green latex speedo – 56” waist £7.50

Box 7 Home-made (from bean tins), but very effective nose drop collector (to save on tissues!) £41.20

Box 11 Ladies cast iron knickers – generous size 20. Owner grown out of them £14.76

Box 32 Almost complete set of teeth – one careful owner, now dead – suit large mouth £78.99

Box 42 Attractive set of ladies’ earrings in blue plastic, with one ear still attached. £9.99

Box 31 Breeding Pair of ‘Sancreed Blue’ fighting rats with year’s supply of food £450

Box 20 Lean-to toilet hut in need of total renovation £1.95

Box 67 One-wheeled motor cycle, with side car for extra stability (and free umbrella for passenger!) vastly reduced, as no motor. £14