IT'S SUMMER TIME - VISIT CORNWALL FOR AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE

LOOK!! Just seven experiences for you in West Cornwall, which you will find nowhere else!!!!!

AZTECLAND at Carn Brea!!

The Aztecs had a fascinating civilisation, before it was well nigh obliterated by the dastardly cruel marauding Spaniards. Now YOU have the chance to sample something of the magnificent Aztec way of life by visiting AZTECLAND at Carn Brea.

Music and dance was hugely important for the Aztecs. Everyone took part in dances performed especially for the gods, including peasants, so we’ll be giving you a chance at that too.

An Aztec 'orchestra' was usually made of different types of rattles and different types of drums. Specific Aztec instruments were used for specific things. The trumpet sounded long, deep notes while the percussion created hypnotic rhythms. The big temple drums could be heard for several kilometers. Their wind instruments included pan pipes, whistles, and flutes. It was only the priests who had mastered the art of releasing trapped wind with such ferocity that the ‘blast’ could last for anything up to 4 minutes and blow everything out of its path!!

Picture on the left portrays happy visitor, who has learnt that she will be a "Priest for the Day".

The musical experience is a key part of the AZTECLAND experience. You will be allotted a place in a ‘real Aztec orchestra and, by the end of the day, you will be able to play your part in a full scale musical performance which takes place before the daily grand religious ceremony at sundown.

Religion was hugely important to the Aztecs, as was sacrifice. When you pay to enter Aztecland, you are given a numbered pebble. Depending upon the number on the pebble, you will then play the part of either a priest (5 are needed and they will have to pass the wind test)) or a sacrificial victim (500 are needed).

If chosen as a priest, you will be guided by our friendly Aztec helpers throughout the complicated business of mass execution. If you are selected as a sacrificial victim, our friendly helpers will give you handy hints (such as holding your breath) which will help you bear the excruciating pain of having your still-beating heart torn from your chest.

Your death experience will be recorded on DVD for your family’s benefit and that is all included in the unbelievably cheap price of only £134.99 plus VAT (family discounts available at only £135.99 plus VAT per person!!)

NANCLEDRA ADVANCED FLAGELLATION APPRECIATION SOCIETY (NAFAS)

This is a special opportunity available to the curious who would like to know a little more about flagellation, but are too shy to ask.

A 2 day course on “Carry your FLAGE with confidence” is available to true devotees of the gentle art.

Formula 1 Chief Execs are eligible for a discount, if they submit their applications to Helga in German! Others must pay the price - £75 per day.



Gulval Churchtown GIANT TORTOISE ‘Appreciation’ Society

You don’t need to be ashamed anymore. There are other people who get excited by this photo. In the Cricketer’s Arms at Gulval, you can relax over a beer – or two - and discuss your little weakness and then repair to a shed for a dreamily close encounter of a Giant Tortoise kind – all for a daily fee of just £245.99 plus VAT.


The Long Rock ‘NAME THAT SMELL’ Experience

Enrol for a five day course and emerge just 9 days later as a veritable expert in smells of every kind.

You will be tutored by Long Rock’s “Mr Smell” and winner of the 1973 Goldsithney Open Petard Competition, Matthew Trembath, pictured here helping to acquaint new course members with their own smell, using the renowned ‘sniff your armpit method’.

The "Name that Smell" experience costs an amazingly low £1.76 per day.


The Crows an Wra CREATIVE WRITING Holiday course

Led by extremely promising, but as yet sadly unpublished, author, Den Pender, this course will show you how to achieve fame and fortune as a writer.

It is unashamedly pricey – at £5,000 per day for 10 days – but you must ask yourself, whether you can really put a price on talent such as that of Shakespeare.

The answer is, of course, that you cannot and so you need to flock, with the other countless thousands, to Pender’s opulently appointed caravan for tuition.

GETTING CLOSER TO PIGS in Madron

A holiday is a time to discover your inner self. When you go looking, you never quite know what you will find. That is true of Wendy Angwin, who discovered that she has a “thing” with pigs.

There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Wendy now caters for the holidaying public. She has 6 shelters for pig-friendly folk, who would like to spend a night or more cuddling up toa pig.

You can select your own pig – she has two males and three females and a male pig of different orientation called Ben. Hourly sessions are available for as little as £55 Plus VAT. The ever popular 'All nighters' can be yours for as little as £798 plus VAT.

EXCREMENTAL PAINTING in Newlyn

You must remember that you will have to tell everyone that you heard it here first – Excremental Painting.

It is the new thing and no-one is better able to explain it to you than Geoffrey Arsehole, who is the primary exponent of the new painting style, which is taking Newlyn by storm.

The surprising thing is that all the students seem to select the same subject (The Lady on the left)– it is as if there were no better subject for this manner of painting.

You can enrol now for a surprisingly low £5.65 per day (including two!! daily curries to generate the painting material) and Arsehole will share his secrets with you.