OLYMPIC HERO IN DRUGS AND SEX SCANDAL!

Olympic gold medal hero Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14), so recently lionised as the winner of the ‘Floating’ competition at the Beijing Olympics, is at the centre of a sensational drugs-and-sex scandal that threatens to cut short his brief but spectacular career (writes undercover investigative correspondent Dave Seedy).

Only weeks after being idolised by the vast crowds lining Boswedden Lane during the victorious Relubbus Olympic team's open-top bus tour of the city, Nudd has been caught in flagrante with an Atlantic grey seal, a bottle-nosed dolphin, a porbeagle, and a basking shark in the Olympic-sized swimming pool at the home of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader Billy Spargo. It is not known whether Mr Spargo was present at the time, and he was not available for comment yesterday.

According to shocked eye-witnesses, a kind of "feeding frenzy" seemed to be taking place in the pool. Nudd, who consumes 400 pasties a day in training and cannot stand unaided, was at the centre of the frenzy, but a vast amount of fish was consumed by all the participants.

"'Zobvious t' me, they wuz all on drugs", said Mr Spargo's gardener, Bednego Tonkin.

There have also been allegations of inappropriate sexual activity involving Nudd, the seal and the dolphin, though the Roundup cannot substantiate the truth of this. Worse still for Nudd's reputation, the dolphin is apparently a male animal and the seal may be under-age! It is said to have "absconded" from the Children's Touch Pool at the Mevagissey Sea Life Centre on Sunday.

The Relubbus Olympic Committee meet on Wednesday to decide which of its rules, if any, Nudd has broken, and what action to take against him. The Roundup will keep you posted, but at the moment it looks as if Nudd's meteoric athletic career could be over.