BRONZE AGE BIKERS TERRORISE RELUBBUS

EXCLUSIVE
By undercover reporter Rendell Janner

The Roundup has uncovered disturbing evidence of a terrorist threat to Relubbus. Your intrepid reporter recently infiltrated a terrorist training camp at a secret location on Bodmin Moor. The purpose of the camp was to manufacture Bronze Age weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) -- i.e. swords.

My information is that these WMDs are to be turned against Relubbus!

The terror cell's leader, shown left, is a hairy biker known only as "Tommo". I learned that he is a renegade archaeologist with an extensive knowledge of Bronze and Iron Age weaponry and manufacturing techniques. He is the author of many popular works including the best-selling Dummies Guide to Archaeology, Iron Smelting for Fun and Profit, and How To Commit a Bronze Age Murder.

Tommo, from the notorious East Appleford estate on the Isle of Wight, was joined at the camp by a motley collection of New Age Travellers, American arms enthusiasts, Dutch folklore-junkies, German Neo-Goths, and Irish ex-IRA men.

No matter that it takes a considerable amount of time, skill -- and luck (the process is not perfect) -- to manufacture a single bronze blade; and that making and fitting the haft takes even longer: these weapons are deadly! As was proven when, during a session of drunken horseplay involving a mock duel, one of the trainees succeeded in slicing off his own arm!

Tommo, or "Dr Tommo" as he prefers to be known, first came to international notice as the discoverer of the famed Roman colony in Relubbus, which has miraculously survived unchanged since classical times. Its citizens wear togas, adhere to ancient Roman law, and -- until very recently -- were unaware of the existence of the modern industrialised world.

Why does Dr Tommo want to destroy Relubbus? Who knows? He is a charismatic but enigmatic character who speaks in a broad Isle of Wight accent that is often difficult for "overners" (people from the other side of the Solent) to understand.

From what I could piece together, it seems that, following his discovery of the Roman colony, he had a major disagreement with Councillor Billy Spargo, the Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC). According to Dr Tommo, the disagreement resulted from the misappropriation, by Councillor Spargo, of funds intended for future archaeological research. Mr Spargo was unavailable for comment yesterday.