KERNOW ISSUES UDI

By our award-winning political correspondent, Rendell Janner

The Union of Kernow States, led by the economic and military powerhouse of Greater Relubbus, has issued a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from England, declaring Kernow -- like Scotland and Wales -- to be a separate nation within the United Kingdom.

The picture shows the gigantic statues of the ancient kings of Cornwall that have been erected at the entrance to the Tamar road bridge. These colossal figures -- hewn from Prospidnick granite -- are, according to Councillor Billy Spargo, Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), intended to emphasise that the Tamar is an international border and that England stops at its banks.

Councillor Spargo has stated that the official language of the newly-independent state will be Kernewek Kemmyn. In an ironic reversal of what happened in the sixteenth century, English will be banned from public life. The English Book of Common Prayer will be outlawed and church services will be conducted throughout in Kernewek (although Latin will also be permitted).

In future, all legal documents must be written in Kemmyn. Henceforth, any contracts written in English will be considered void.

Likewise, all public business, including council meetings and court hearings, will be conducted in Kernewek, although in criminal trials simultaneous English translations will be made available to Sowsnek malefactors, so that they are able to understand the dread sentences meted out to them.

In a concession to emmet tourists, road signs will be dual-language (though the English version will follow the Cornish and be in rather small letters).

What do YOU think of these incredible developments? Add a comment to this article to let us know your views!
Advertisement
YES, HE'S BACK! ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS HILTON CONFERENCE HALL
THE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF THE LEGENDARY AMERICAN ROCK STAR
ROY ORBISON
TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.