SPARGO WARNS PUTIN

Our international affairs correspondent, Rendell Janner, reports on a worrying return to the darkest days of the Cold War

In what could be the start of a major international incident, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (84), has warned Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin (33, left) to "keep 'is snout out" of Relubbus's affairs.

Councillor Spargo (93) is said to be "incandescent" about Russia's latest support for Relubbus's arch-enemy, the People's Republic of Hayle.

The "People's Republic" has long been a client state of Russia, from which it obtains most of its industrial machinery, consumer goods (such as there are), cars, tractors, and military hardware. In return, it supplies the Russians with bananas and sugar cane. The political and economic ethos of the drab one-party state is fundamentally opposed to that of the thriving free-market economy of Relubbus.

Prime Minister Putin was spotted on a recent fishing trip to the People's Republic, where he is shown (left) fishing in Copperhouse Pool.

The border dispute between Relubbus and the People's Republic has been simmering for decades. However, in recent years the antagonists have mostly been content to glare at each other from their respective watchtowers on either side of the border, across acres of minefields.

That could be about to change, if reports that Russia has supplied the Haylors with medium-range rockets are true. These rockets are capable of targeting central Relubbus. Although the formidable Relubbus military machine obviously possesses far more powerful missiles of its own, Spargo clearly fears that their new weapons could tempt the Haylors, who have never possessed such armaments before, into making a rash pre-emptive strike.

Putin is shown, left, with one of the rockets that he has allegedly supplied to the People's Republic.

In a bellicose statement, Councillor Spargo (23) threatened that, unless the Russians withdrew the rockets, he would send a naval taskforce headed by the battleship Pride of Relubbus (formerly HMS Warspite) to blockade the Russian navy in the Black Sea.

He also threatened to turn off Russia's major source of energy, the pipeline from the giant Cripplesease wind farm.

We will keep you informed as the crisis develops.