FASHION KING CAUSES CONTROVERSY AND CHAOS ON CATWALK!!

Madron “Piskey” Polglaze, the quirky but hugely talented designer (34) has wrong-footed fashion houses around the world with his latest 'Emperor' creations, which have taken the fashion world by storm.

They have also, for various reasons, given rise to controversy on the famed catwalks of St Buryan and Boswedden Lane in Relubbus.

The diminutive design king may just be 3 ft 7 inches tall, but his career accomplishments leave him towering over aspiring competition such as that from Versace, Calvin Klein and Tommy Whitehorn.

However, the latest grand launch from this fearless fashionista has left the competition numbed and without response.

Polglaze, who prides himself on the use of natural materials in his designs, has hit upon a means of fashioning clothing from onions. The method of preparation is laborious in the extreme.

Firstly, an onion is peeled into its many (often as many as 400!) separate layers. Using an electron microscope, each layer is then sliced into extremely thin strips. The strips are then woven together to produce a thread, from which -- finally -- the clothes are fashioned.

Typically of this - in his own words - 'charismatic and caring' character, he has farmed out this intricate work to thousands of workers in far-off Bangladesh, ”so that others can benefit from this clothing boom”.

Amazingly, Polglaze can create a dress out of just three onions, although it takes just short of a million man hours to manufacture the fabric for one dress. Whilst the raw material is therefore extremely cheap (all onions are sourced from West Penwith), the labour costs are potentially enormous (in Bangladeshi terms).

However, Polglaze hit upon the brilliant idea of avoiding the huge cost of millions of man hours by offering the work instead to Bangladeshi children, who can do the work “for some useful pocket money”, when they are not in school or out playing.

He dismisses all charges of child exploitation by saying that it is just like doing a paper round in Cornwall.

Critics counter this with the accusation that there is a great deal of difference between a half-hour paper round and a 20-hour working day every day, dealing with almost invisible strands of onion.

Polglaze has been summoned to appear before the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Ethics Committee chaired by no less than the Council Chairman himself, Billy Spargo (101) to answer this accusation.

Meanwhile on the catwalk itself, there is no less controversy. So thin is the hugely expensive fabric that it appears that the models are almost naked, as shown in the picture on the left.

As top St Buryan model, Lavinia Liddicoat (23) said "I 'ad to 'ave danger money to wear they bleddy dresses - people could see my knickers an all!! So we got double money - £3.50 an hour - otherwise I would'n never 'ave done it!"

Despite their invisibility and flimsiness, these dresses do not come cheap – with the cheapest dress set to retail at £45,999!!

Aggie Andrewartha (96) the President of the Ludgvan branch of the Lesbian Dinner Ladies Association said “At they bleddy prices, e’ll be lucky to sell any round ‘ere!! Pity really, the fabric is so thin, at least it duh make you look slimmer!”

Aggie's Association, which has 35,000 members, has enormous clout in the West Cornish haute couture market.

Polglaze may well have economic ruin ahead of him -- quite apart from the ignominy of a roasting before Spargo's much-feared Committee.

The Roundup will report further.