RELUBBUS MAIDS TRIUMPH

Relubbus girls thrash Eton boys!

A delighted crowd witnessed the thrashing on Saturday of the Eton Boys’ Under 15s football team by the Under 15s Hockey team from the Relubbus Posh Maids School (known locally as the RPM school) .

The Posh Maids (fees at the RPM school are £72,499 per term!) laid into the visitors from Eton right from the start. Since the Eton toffs couldn’t touch the girls (they are girls, after all), the girls were able to lay into the unprotected pampered flesh of the toffs with their specially sharpened steel hockey sticks.

The match was over in about 7 minutes. One toff – badly damaged - did survive, but he too perished on the way to the American Hospital at Prospidnick.

The victorious girls’ team members, as pictured here from left to right and from the top, are:

Rowena Pascoe, Morwenna Tresidder, Loveday Rosewarne, Angela Addicoat, Lamorna Andrewartha, Lowena Poldhu, Sara Curnow, Demelza Borlase, Ysella Kenidjack, Kerensa Roseudgeon and Wenna Tremaine.




The losing side of toffs from Eton are shown here pictured before the match, again from left to right from the top:

Saggy Plopp, Plengwin Quench, Benthwirt Elkplot, Flenny Bollop, Bleck Flunge, Wilp Stumpley, Ipney Nagbolt, Skelky Dackpole, Ticky Dollop, Glippy Moglit and Argrap Meefdew.


RPM team captain, Lamorna Andrewartha, who would like to become a children’s nurse, was short of breath after her exertions and, wiping her face clear of blood spilled from four of the toffs as a result of her ‘jugular’ special, enthusiastically declared “That was the best match ever – pity they didn’t last long! We all look forward to the rematch – we’re hoping to get the time down to below 6 minutes !”

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Don't Miss the Annual Long Rock Children’s Animal Circus!

The Annual Animal Circus in Long Rock is held once again in Farmer Pender’s back field. It is run for children by children, but its location is generously provided by Farmer Ben Pender for a mere 98% of the takings.

Five boys from Newlyn with ‘gladiator lobsters’, calling themselves “The Lighthouse boys”, have been banned this year, as they tried to get out of paying by threatening to parade outside the Pender farm calling out “Gender Bender Pender is a Perve”.

Farmer Pender – pictured left, a good sport who has in his own words 'suffered the investigations with, as yet, no convictions', was unwilling to yield to such crude pressure.

There are seven acts on display:

Terry Tonkin with Nigel, his talking tadpole.

Wilma Addicoat and her musical dog ‘Poop’.

Linda Polkinghorne and ‘Bash’, her bouncing tortoise.

The Colinsey gang with ‘Claws’ the cat performing with some mice.

Betty Boase and “Stiffie”, the diving budgie.

Billy Peninula and his frying ants (“Act only available in sunlight – don’t touch my magnifying glass!”)

Dickie Angwin and his “Pin the donkey’s tail back on again”. Warning - the donkey does kick!!

ENTRANCE FEE per child : 50 pence