BROWN BEGS SPARGO FOR GUIDANCE!

Gordon Brown (55), the embattled and beleaguered UK Prime Minister, has appealed from the sodden dark depths of desperation in his bunker in No 10 Downing Street to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (99) for guidance on how to deal with the explosive and corrosive impact of the revelations of the unbelievable expenses excesses of the thoroughly discredited Westminster political poltroons pretending to represent the 'interests of the people'.

Spargo took the call whilst at Prospidnick House, his official residence at the midway point along world-famous Boswedden Lane.

Under the provisions of the Relubbus Freedom of Information Act, the transcript of the telephone call was made available to the panting hordes of the Relubbus press pack only seconds after it was concluded.

Amidst frequent sobs from those famously saggy baggy eyes and in a doom-laden voice redolent of wits end having been passed many moons ago, Gordon Brown gushed: “Your Holiness, is that you? Please, Councillor Spargo, tell me that it is you!”

Billy Spargo (amidst noises of flushing water): “This ‘ad better be good, you jes’ caught me in the only place I can get sum peace an’ quiet!”

Gordon Brown: “In the notes Tony left for me, it says that when things get really tough, I should call this Relubbus number and ask for Councillor Spargo!!....It is you, isn’t it, this is not some trap dreamt up by those Tory toff bastards!”

Billy Spargo (to the noise of paper sheets being methodically and authoritatively ripped off the roll): “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on Brown - I’m nearly finished in ‘ere, boy an’ I aren’t ‘angin’ about – I got the former - and the present - Madame Sarkozy waitin’ outside ‘ere fer me!”

Gordon Brown: “Morley’s been claiming £16,000 for a mortgage he didn’t have, Prescott has claimed £5,000 for a gastric band and the same amount for two re-inforced toilet seats, Darling has claimed £9,000 for two penis extensions and….(he breaks down into uncontrollable sobs)…every bloody bastard has been at it!

"Of course, the Tories have been much worse, Mr and Mrs Mackay have claimed £280,000 between them and Hague has spent nearly as much in a forlorn attempt to on grow a proper thatch of hair! Douglas Pigg has even had his moat cleaned out at taxpayers’ expense.

"I am trying to play the noble statesman card, but it isn’t working. Please, just tell me what do I do?”

Billy Spargo, washing his hands with Trevarno soap lovingly fashioned for him by Betsy Pengelly (27 and pictured left), thought briefly about the UK Prime Minister’s manufactured mess and was about to reply, when Gordon Brown’s desperate whimpering noises were drowned out by the insistent sound of the pips, which were a sign that Gordon’s last 50 pence had been used up.

Reflecting that Gordon’s desperate cost-savings measures had gone a step too far by introducing payphones across Downing Street, Billy adjusted his truss, saluted the flag of Greater Relubbus and set off towards the two panting French females who were also desperate for his attention.