CLASSIFIEDS

RELUBBUS CORRESPONDENCE COURSES CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!

Lifestyle Guru, Athleton Telescope (41) of Gurnards Head (and formerly of Nancledra)


Offers you 5 life-changing correspondence courses:


1. How to make millions from the New York and Crowlas art markets!

2. DIY Home nuclear fusion kit for under £15 – free energy!

3. The triangle as a means of communicating with alien beings.

4. Home alchemy and how to change sea water into Rioja wine

5. DIY Cosmetic dentistry for under £5

Each course costs just £25 or get all 5 for just £160.

Cornish People – Stay in Cornwall for your holiday!

The 400 bed Kernewek Kemmyn Hotel (formerly ‘the George’) opens its doors to Cornish people only and operates a strictly ‘No English’ policy.

This means that no one can stay unless they can demonstrate Cornish ancestry on both sides for the last ten generations.

The ‘No English policy’ also applies to language – no English words can be used in the hotel or its grounds. For this reason, the Hotel is an ideal environment for anyone seeking an intensive Kernewek Kemmyn experience. Users of other orthographies are NOT permitted, being even less welcome than the English themselves.

This unique linguistic experience is available to you at just £140 per person per night!!

The 400 beds are arranged, in four rooms or dormitories, in sextuple-decker beds. There is an ensuite (in fact ‘in-room’) toilet in every room (please bring own toilet rolls!).

One of the dorms is for children, another for married men, another for their wives and a fourth for ‘others’

The ‘Full Cornish” breakfast consists of ogs pudden and ogs pudden. For an additional £4 per person, you can have the pudden cooked and accompanied by one fried egg and one rasher of bacon.

RELUBBUS CLASSIFIEDS

Women seeking Men

Normal woman, 31, currently working down Tesco’s on the biscuits and sweets, often mistaken for a young Helen Mirren, into ouija boards, mystic smoke and plastic gnomes WLTM interesting young solvent male who goes commando like me at work. 077652 8765

Free-spirited F, 72, 8 ft tall ex-librarian seeks male Anglican tango dancer of similar height and age in Madron. 077432 8761

Lizzie, 5 times divorced, stylish, vivacious, 53 (no STDs). Have received ASBO and face eviction from Colinsey Road home next week. Can offer loving kindness and the odd bit of cleaning and cooking to rich man, preferably living in St Buryan or, possibly, Tregeseal. 077542 5439

Pauline (67), retired builder’s apprentice from Gwavas, can name all the shops on both sides of Market Jew Street from 1905 to the present day. Will be happy to make her special spiced badger patties for the right man who shares her interests. 077652 98632

Men seeking women

Honest ex-Dartmoor inmate (52) seeking to make new life after long stretch (for fraud, not violence) seeks wife (30-35). Able to offer house, car and spending money. Must be a looker – absolutely no mingers! 077634 4532

Defrocked priest, keen handyman (42) , currently living with mother, clean driving licence, told by mother must go or give up collection of 320 budgies. Urgently seeking new billet with understanding woman who will share fondness of budgies. Also must be very careful not to get shampoo into my eyes on Saturday bath nights. 077653 5632

Young multi-millionaire (23), with body like 007, has temporary cash flow problem and is finding it difficult to keep the souped-up Ford Anglia on the road. Needs help from loaded female who likes fast cars. Interviews at No 123 Colinsey Road on Tuesday evening at 9.00pm.

Special Needs

One-legged homosexual postman from Sennen (late fifties and shy), not yet come out, seeks discreet similar, preferably also from Sennen. 077864 6531

Will ‘Nigel of Porthgwarra’ who ‘phoned offering to help us with the problem ‘phone me back, as I have lost his number. We manage up to a point, but then the bag breaks. Arnold 077885 4321

Bill of Gulval (59) has home-made wooden tandem bike, which he would like to share with left-handed woman of similar age who wears (or can be persuaded to wear) pink old-fashioned National Health glasses.