SWINE FLU NO PROBLEM FOR THE PROPER CORNISH!!

Professor Monty Tremeglos has developed a geographically-specific solution to the swine flu pandemic, which means that the good people of Relubbus can heave a sigh of relief as the rest of the world mutely bows its head to this potent variant of the annual killer.

In a revolutionary development, Tremeglos has pioneered a vaccine, drawn from a combination of substances found all over Cornwall, which will completely neutralise pandemic H1N1.

However, it is also true that the vaccine will only work within a specific geographical area – as illustrated in RED on the left . Whilst the vaccine will be found to be particularly efficacious in Greater Relubbus, Professor Tremeglos believes that it will be ‘strong enough’ all the way up as far as the Tamar. On the other side of the Tamar – in fact just over the other side of the bridge – it will sadly have few, if any, beneficial effects.

The ingredients of the vaccine are said to be distilled from mineral, animal and human elements from all over Cornwall. People walking along the lane past the Professor’s backhouse (or ‘outside toilet’ for those unfamiliar with the expression) have heard him intoning strange words in the manner of some obscure magical incantation: “Eye of toad and tongue of cat, tail of badger, nose of bat.”

However, the good Professor has refused to be drawn on the nature of any of the ingredients -- except to say that neither human nor animal was harmed in the production of the vaccine, apart from a bad scratch on the arm of one of his assistants, who had failed to properly anaesthetise a cat before milking it.

Another astounding fact about the workings of the vaccine that has emerged in trials, is that it will only have a beneficial effect on people who are born in Cornwall of Cornish parents and with wholly Cornish grandparents on both sides.
Mr Archibald Lutey (31) (shown left) of Bramangath Avenue in Relubbus caught swine flu at the same time as his wife Tamsin (30).

When both caught swine flu, they volunteered to be part of Professor Tremeglos’s extensive testing programme. This produced astounding results.

In wholly-Cornish Mr Archibald Lutey’s case, a full recovery was made.

However, in the sad case of poor Mrs Lutey (pictured left before the illness - you will note that she and her husband shared the same dentist!) there was a different outcome.

Her grandmother had the misfortune to have been born across the border in Plymouth (“visiting my enty, who was took bad fer a few weeks”) and this has been shown to have had an enormous impact on her "Cornishness' and, consequently, on the efficacy of the vaccine in her case.

Whilst the worst ravages of the pandemic have been avoided so as to preserve her life, she has been left forever bearing the obvious scars of having had swine flu, as the picture on the left displays.

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) and the Cornwall Council have combined forces so as to make Professor Tremeglos’s vaccine available to everyone in Cornwall, with the notable exception of those living in the dark depths of the People’s Republic of Hayle.

Meanwhile the rest of the world looks on enviously….and the Roundup will report further.