CORNISH RAGE AT 'CUCKOOS' BOILS OVER IN MOUSEHOLE

The land of Cornwall has long since fallen victim to a plague of absentee homeowners (so-called ‘Cuckoos’). This richesse dorée anglaise has swooped down on to many of the most picturesque locations in Kernow to buy up housing for their own very occasional use and sometimes ‘as an investment, dear boy!’

This has had the appalling effect of putting local housing beyond the reach of the indigenous Cornish. We cannot afford to buy homes in our own land!

As Fidel Castro (54) himself said (in a four and half hour speech on the subject), whilst on a state visit to the prosperous island of social justice that is Spargo’s Relubbus: “This is dispossession of the cruellest type. I led a revolution in Cuba because of the exploitation of my homeland by neighbouring America. Here, I see exactly the same type of exploitation of Cornwall by neighbouring England. Viva la Revolucion!!”

One such blighted village is that of Mousehole, where the children of local folk cannot afford – on their local jobs, if they are lucky enough to have one – to buy or rent houses to live in the place in which they grew up – ‘English cuckoos’ have taken their nests!

However, some folk are no longer prepared to take this lying down. An army of 15,000 highly trained vigilantes – all as well armed as the model on the left – have decided to take matters into their own hands and have developed a strategy to rid Kernow of the ‘English Cuckoos’.

They are starting quietly - with a free car-modification programme for the Cuckoos on the very infrequent occasions on which they turn up to occupy their otherwise empty nests.

As this picture of treated Cuckoo cars in Mousehole shows, every opportunity is taken to buff up the cars to a shine the Cuckoos will never forget.

The next stage of operations remains a closely guarded secret, the nature of which is yet to emerge from the top secret nerve centre and training camp for the 15,000 somewhere in deepest Kernow.

However, Cuckoos beware! - one would be right to fear the worst!

Such is the growing concern about the Cuckoo activity and the increasing heat of the Cornish response that Archbishop Desmond Tutu (72) has convened an academic conference to consider how the matter can best be brought to a peaceful conclusion.

The conference is taking place at the Relubbus International University (one of 65 higher education establishments in Greater Relubbus) and is believed to enjoy the sponsorship of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (109), himself.

Spargo is said to favour an annual Cuckoo tax starting at 250% of the market value of the home followed by a doubling of the amount each year. Archbishop Tutu endorses this proposal saying “No one with already a roof of their own in another village should also take a roof in my village, when I and others have none.

If they must be greedy, they should, at least, restrain their greed until everyone has their own home in their own village.

What kind of people are they that order two meals when they can only eat one at a time and when others cannot even order one meal?”