SMALL BUSINESS STARS

The Relubbus Federation of Small Businesses believes that it has a solemn duty to shine the health-

giving light of publicity on fledgling small businesses in the area.

Federation Chairperson, Dame Tarquin Tonkin (89) speaking from his opulently appointed offices adjacent to the new toilet block at Sunset Static Caravan Park near Lelant said, "Th' ideas people duh come up with duh nevver cease t' maze me. Allikunseh is "Come down West, we got the best!"  Jes saws youduhknaw, 'ere's four bleddy crackers far ee!"

Pet Ant died?  Then call up Wiggy!

Wiggy is an expert in Pet Insect Taxidermy, with ants being his speciality.  Wiggy "I'll do un far ee!" Polglaze (25) of Newbridge is a master taxidemist passionate about his craft, who has brought solace to bereaved pet insect owners all over West Penwith.

For many lonely people a pet can bring much needed companionship. This source of comfort can come from pet ants, cockroaches, beetles, earwigs and so on, as much from any cat or dog.  So when a dearly loved one passes on, that magical bond of love can be retained by having the dear one expertly stuffed and displayed on the mantelpiece.

Wiggy, who is registered bald and has an ant colony of his own in his bed, declares cheerily, "If yer pet muryon 'ave died, gib'n 'ere an' I'll stuff 'n up proper far ee!"

Wiggy's services are available at a mere £499.99 plus VAT per ant.

Check your contribution to Global Warming with a Trembath toilet!!

Everyone is rightfully becoming increasingly concerned about global warming and the climate change it is inducing. For instance, global sea level rises of, at least, 45 metres are predicted* by the end of 2011.

Naturally, every responsible person is asking what they can do to avert this disaster. For this reason acclaimed and renowned Crowlas inventor, Tren Tembath (76) has developed a toilet which measures and calculates your personal contribution to gloabl warming at each 'sitting'.

However, as you might expect, the Trembath ingenuity does not cease at that point.  The gases are not allowed to be released into the atmosphere but are captured and converted into bars of ladies' beauty soap, which can then be either used or sold.

Each toilet is lovingly hand-crafted by Mr Trembath himself and this is reflected in the price of £12,500 (not including fitting!).  However this graceful, topical amd very useful product will greatly enhance the value of your home.

*prediction made last week by the Crowlas Climate Change Unit in peer-reviewed work.

Garden needs sorting out? Call the  Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio!!

The Nancledra Nude Gardening Trio of Jack "Nettles" Bolitho-Ball (47), Charmaine "Shortie" Clemo (39 and just 2ft 6 ins tall) and "Badger" Boskenna are all expert gardeners, who, whatever the weather, prefer to work without the clutter of clothing.

So when you hire this dream team, you not only get your garden attended to by professionals, but also have the treat of observing them avoid all the dangers to delicate dangling flesh posed by challenges such as Pyracantha firethorn and so on.

It's not only you who will be amused.  Just think what the neighbours will say.

You can hire all three of the trio for just £1.50 an hour, but please remember that there is an additional cold weather payment of 25 pence per hour from November to April.

Constipation anyone?  Any embarrassing facial hair, ladies?

Tamsin Blewett (36) from Crows an Wra can help you if you suffer from either of these worrisome problems.

Using the finely attunable controls on the her home-made high pressure diamond-headed drill, Tamsin can help you find near instant relief if you have been badly constipated for a few months.

Using an extension on her drill, which she calls the 'fish hook', because that is what it is, Tamsin claims that she can free you up within minutes of application of her wondrous device.

The drill has also had much success in helping ladies who are afflicted with unsightly and unwanted facial hair. Tamsin tackles the root of the problem - quite literally.


Rotating at what she calls 'invisibility speed', the diamond drill just burns away the roots of facial hair forever.

As you will readily understand, Tamsin's treatments do not come cheap.  The 'bum-blaster' costs £17.50 plus VAT, whilst the 'Ladybeard' costs £18.50 plus VAT.  However, customers will take great comfort from the fact that, if any lasting physical damage should result from any of the treatments, a full 4.75% of the fee will be refunded.