RELUBBUS ROUNDUP BIRTHDAY NEWS

 BIRTHDAY BOYS!!

The famous Tregavarah triplets - Abelard, Archilaus and Aardvark Angwin - are 50 years old today. 

Their parents have sadly passed on, but their Enty, Mrs Audrey Addicoat (94) of Gwavas Estate, was thrilled to be asked a few words about them by our reporter.

Putting her teeth in specially, she said,"My sister, Agnes, wudda bin sum proud of er boys, if she were ere neow!  After a few false starts, they boys is proper gents."

Abelard runs a thriving roadside grocery stall in the layby at Grumbla next to the Tremethick Cross turn-off. He says proudly, "I duh oney sell tattees and turnick!" 

Many people pass this way on route to their work in bustling Tremethick Cross or in the City of London or even in Wall Street, New York.

They always make a point of stopping to have a chat with Abelard and to buy a few of his potatoes and swedes (in Cornish 'turnick').  Apart from the splendid quality of his vegetables, which are eaten raw and unwashed by City-working health aficionados, another big draw is the opportunity to use pre-decimal currency, since Archilaus uses and accepts nothing else on his stall.

He opens at 3.00 am to catch the Wall Street-bound New York traffic and closes at 1.00 am to pick up trade from late night clubbers coming home from their revels in Tremethick Cross.

His brother, Archilaus, is a gentlemen's outfitter now specialising solely in taking inside leg measurements.  Rather than operating his own business premises, he travels, on his penny farthing bike, from one gents' outfitter's to another to provide this specialist service for others too shy to undertake this intimate service.  As he proudly boasts, "I doubt there iddena inside leg measurement in the olla Wes' Cornwall I ebben took!"

He is pictured here on the left, 'practising' on a young lady on the beach, just before she slapped him.

Aardvark, called by the other two 'the runta the litter', has had a somewhat less settled past and has been obliged to spend several spells at Her Majesty's pleasure for a string of repeated offences. 

Now, finally banned from working with small animals again, he is seeking to build up a fresh career in door-to-door sales of home-made wooden sunglasses.

The boys - all still single and available -have celebrated their happy day together by going out to share a slap-up meal at the Queen's Hotel on the Prom in Penzance.

IT IS CHRIS'S BIRTHDAY TOO!!

Chris Kelynack from Heamoor is 49 years old today.  Chris moved here 'frumup pas' Truru' some years back and no one is entirely sure whether this enigmatic person is male or female.

Chris is a freelance taxidermist working from home and derives a real pleasure - as well as a handsome income - from preserving deceased animals, usually beloved pets.

Chris has an unusual approach to this task and is setting something of a trend  by focussing on preserving only the skin of the animal and then filling it up with helium gas. so that it floats balloon-like.

Chris also attaches an Ipod pouch to the animals, so that the owners can listen to recordings of their loved ones or simply play music.

Chris is now applying to the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) for permission to treat deceased humans in this way so that loved ones can have them float around the room jabbering away just like they used to.

Chris celebrated the birthday in a very odd way, but despite the weird noises, would not explain what it involved.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LITTLE MAVIS??!!

Mavis Tergonning of Alverton Estate, Penzance, was 5 years old yesterday.  The little darling girl is the apple of her parents' eyes and, as her doting father says, "There idden nuthin we wooden do fer she!  Ansum she is too!"

So it was that at 9.30 yesterday morning the little girl took possession of the pet alligator that she always dreamed of having.  She named the animal "Alli" and rode him off to the playing field behind the Pirate pub. 

This moment was captured on camera by the proud parents and then put on immediate display on the mantelpiece in the front room.

However, the parents began to get concerned when little Mavis failed to come home.  Said distraught mother, Avril Tregonning, "I gotta bit wurried when she never come ome fer er danner.  But I thought 'she's out avinna bit fun wither lill pet.  We'll leave she be a bit longer.

"Then when she nevver come ome fer er tea, I said to Derrick, my usbant, I said to un, I said, 'Ere, Derrick, she ebben come ome yet - you goin out to look fer the maid, aree?"

Derrick set off to explore and, although he found the alligator burping contentedly in a corner of the field, he could find no trace of the girl. 

Mavis was nowhere to be found.  Police were then called in to investigate.  All are baffled by the disappearance.

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