DIRE WARNING FOR THE WORLD

Reclusive hedge-fund manager, Nathaniel Polkinghorne of Nancegollan (45) has acquired a reputation - and huge wealth - for always being right.

For many years, Nathaniel was  a bus driver on long distance routes such as that from Penzance to Helston.

These long journeys gave him time to ruminate, and then expound, on many a challenge facing the world.  Unable to keep his opinions to himself, he often used to park the bus and, keeping the doors locked, give unsolicited lectures to his captive audience, sometimes for several hours.

Such lectures were not always appreciated by his passengers and some even took it upon themselves to instruct Polkinghorne to 'button it' or, in local parlance, "shut yer bleddy cakole and git the bus goinagen".  When he spoke of the world financial order, some challenged him to put his money where his mouth was.

So it was that, at the age of 40, Nathaniel boldly entered the world of investment to do just that.  A mere five years later and he was a megamultibillionnaire with his own caravan over Long Rock and a brand new Ford Anglia (shown left) parked up outside.  He achieved his wealth by always 'calling it right'.

Loaded as he is with his new-found wealth, he is now seldom seen at Morrison's, leaving his mother to undertake the weekly shopping alone. (" I duh always pay my 'alf towardsun like!")

He stays at home with his mother, neglecting his sumptuous Long Rock bachelor's pad.  He rarely emerges to dispense wisdom to the lesser sort.

Thus it was unusual when he called a press conference. This was attended by scores of eager reporters, some of whom came from as far away as Bude to listen to him.

When all were seated, as he had requested, he spoke and, in so doing, struck a truly sombre note.

Reminding his audience that he had famously never been wrong about anything, he announced that, whilst he had no desire to cause global panic, he felt compelled to share his now certain knowledge that  every single person upon the face of the earth was going to die.  There would be no exceptions.  Everyone - literally everyone - was going to die.  An awed chill silence filled the room.

He looked his audience in the eye and coldly stated that everyone, after a mere 150 years, would be no more.  He then turned and left.

In less than half an hour, copies of his speech had been printed and were being rushed around the whole of Cornwall and Relubbus.

Said paper boy, Charlie Clemo (7) of Portreath "Eedthink ee's sum bleddy smart, eedoo.  I cuddatolun that, daffbugger!"

Could Clemo be the new Polkinghorne?