GM FOOD STORE OPENS IN RELUBBUS!

A huge new store has opened in Boswedden Lane, threatening to challenge the supremacy of existing retail giants such as R.C. Oates and W.G. Trevaskis. The two latter mentioned chains, both with megastores as far west as Carn Gloose and as far east as Prospidnick, are unlikely to welcome the competition, which will, for various reasons, be fierce.

This fresh challenge is mounted by a Liechtenstein entrepreneur, Franzl Hirschvogel, who has cut his retail teeth in the "Hund eat Hund" world of the High Street in Vaduz.

Franzl, (34) a part time crew member of the Liechtenstein Navy, took part in an official visit to Newlyn, during which he met and fell in love with local girl, Nancy Trenwith (29). Franzl, who speaks no English, commented, "Ich liebe meine Nancy!"

Nancy, a former barmaid and scrubber at the Swordfish Inn, where the two met, commented, "I kent bleeve my luck. Ee's loaded an ee's a bleddy dish, inna?"

The deliriously happy couple -- shortly to be married -- have gone into business together with a sharp new idea that is likely to take the whole of West Cornwall by storm -- G M Stores.

The first of these brand new stores opened last week at the junction of Boswedden Lane and Kelynack Terrace, although the store uses the prestigious Boswedden Lane address.

Ground-breaking ideas are used in this store.

Firstly, everything is behind a counter and customers queue to be served by either Franzl or Nancy. A warm welcoming chat is all part of the new retail experience, although in Franzl's case, the conversation is very limited indeed, unless you happen to be German speaking, in which case he is apparently most effusive, telling the same joke over and over.

A second big departure is that every item on sale is made from genetically-modified sources.

In the case of those necessities for which a genetically-modified option is sadly not yet available, the keen couple have managed to obtain irradiated supplies from Tchernobyl. So successful have they been that there is no need for artificial lighting in the store, since the plums in brandy and bottled beetroot (both from Tchernobyl) glow powerfully in the dark.

Nuclear irradiated or (hopefully, and) genetically-modified food is believed by this pair to represent the food future for the people of this planet and they intend to be the suppliers.

Prices are certainly expected to draw the crowds. For instance, a ton of irradiated mutton -- delivered to your home in a specially constructed truck ("to keep the goodness in") will cost you only £4,567.95 (plus VAT). You will also receive an almost free (it will cost you only £7,700!) radiation-proof deep freezer in which to store the meat.

G M Stores are also stocking the "Three Head" brand of genetically-modified yoghurts. Eat those and you can become -- for free -- part of a big scientific experiment.

Nancy and Franzl will be getting married next month. Unusually, Franzl will be assuming Nancy's surname, Trenwith, after they marry, as he says, "Es hört sich mehr Cornisch an als Hirschvogel!"

So Oates, Trevaskis, and now...Trenwith??