EXCLUSIVE: "WILLIAM WALES" ENJOYS RELUBBUS HIGHLIFE

Roundup Diarist Madron Killigrew lifts the veil off Relubbus Society
By day, man-about-town Madron Killigrew (32) is a shopping trolley collector at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, but every evening he is the "must have" guest at soirees, parties, functions, launches and social occasions of every kind throughout Relubbus.

As he is such a well-connected young man, constantly in and out of the best addresses in fashionable Boswedden Lane, he is the natural choice to write our Society Diary...

Pictured here are no strangers to the upmarket Coke Bar in Lower Boswedden Lane -- Willy Wales (32), heir to the English throne, accompanied by his latest squeeze, Kate Middleton (29).

Willy is a keen motor bike rider and purchased this mean machine from Long Rock Speedsters. Each bike comes with four free packets of Wills Woodbines, and Willy manfully draws a lungful while he poses for this picture.

Kate playfully calls Willy "Bratwurst" to remind him of his family's German origins, while Willy playfully calls Kate "doors to manual" to remind her of her mum's job before she struck lucky.



Pictured yesterday as they strode along to the Karl Lagerfeld fashion show being held at the Boswedden Lane Upper Kwop are, on the left, Jade Goody (44), with devoted admirer John Todd (29), who plays Tonto in the popular Lone Ranger series now showing on Relubbus television.

John and Jade have already had seven children, but are believed to be trying for another, as Jade would like nothing better than to have a "little red injun" child.

The family fortunes have slumped somewhat in the recent past following the death of various people who have been trying Jade's slimming products. Whilst they certainly help fatties shed the pounds, it seems they also induce rapid heart failure. Says Jade, "Oh well, back to the drawing board!"

Startled by our hotshot photographer Horton Baragwaneth, the latest Mrs Sarkozy, voluptuous Carla Bruni (45), is shown here coming out of Daphne Tregonning's hairdresser's in Boswedden lane, Relubbus. The former Ms Bruni used to have her hair done at Shelleys Hair and Beauty in St Just. Wanting to treat herself to something really special for her wedding, she went to Daphne Tregonning's for a hairdo and special body makeover -- and never looked back.

Mere mortals thinking of giving themselves the "Tregonning treatment" in order to look just like Carla are reminded that a hairdo alone at Daphne's costs £2.99, whilst the full body makeover costs a further £1.39. Better save up, girls!

Vic Pengelly (35) is pictured here at his wedding to budding and pouting Relubbus film starlet, Agnes Trevorrow (39).

Pengelly, the dreamboat manager of the Relubbus Labour Exchange was always believed to have been a Boots-bag-carrying icon of the West Penwith gay movement, often seen exiting the Morrab Gardens gents' toilets, while Miss Trevorrow was always regarded as being his "beard".

There was stunned reaction throughout the West Penwith gay community at the announcement of his wedding. The happy couple are thrilled with this picture, which they have chosen to be the official picture of their happy event.

Pictured on the left are the famous Sennen Cove juggling trio, the Menheniot Brothers, pictured outside their caravan with their widowed mother Bathsheba (108).

The boys all work at the St Erth Creamery. From right to left are Tommy (42), Zeke (51), and Archilaus (62). Archilaus only last week got out of prison, where he was serving a 4 year sentence for various instances of indecency. He has now removed the offending elements from his part of the juggling act.

The boys will be performing live at the Relubbus Panopticon theatre all next week.