'CHYSAUSTER IS NUCLEAR BASE' CLAIM

English Heritage Cover blown!
By international correspondent Horton Tregarthen

Primed missile silos at Chysauster

It is rumoured that international spy networks have moved into Keneggy Country Hotel at Gulval, following foreign press reports that English Heritage have been conning the Cornish public for decades at Chysauster Ancient Village.

Speculation has been rife in Penzance for years that there are nuclear bunkers and missile silos under the hut circles at the site.

That the speculation was indeed correct was finally established by a Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) fact-finding committee, led by chairman Billy Spargo, that visited the Chysauster site. The Roundup has it on good authority that the secret aim of the committee is to increase the GRUC's nuclear armaments, as a "defensive" move in the border dispute with the People's Republic of Hayle.

Apparently Billy's niece, local reporter Tryphena Spargo-Spargo, has been courting the Chysauster admissions steward (Clarence Trezelah, 94) for 23 years and he told her that part of the admissions steward's duties, laid down by English Heritage, is to secure each warhead at night, in case of break-ins by various gangs from Badger's Cross. From these comments by Clarence during their hand-in-hand walks along the Prom on Sunday evenings, Tryphena was able to pass on information to her Uncle Billy.

Ms Spargo-Spargo suddenly found herself with a scoop on her hands, but was unable to publish it, because no English newspaper would touch it! Each mealy-mouthed organ cited "the Official Secrets Act". ('Why did she not come to the Roundup?', you may ask. Why indeed? Perhaps she will know better in future. Ed) Thus the story first appeared in the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. It was soon taken up by other German-language newspapers, eventually resulting in the arrival of the spies in Gulval.

We believe that Mr Spargo has made contact with the spy networks, with a view to working together to obtain nuclear material "to sort out that bleddy lot down Hayle".

Chysauster site with Mounts Bay in the background

Clarence Trezela instructing Billy Spargo how to arm a warhead

English Heritage declined to comment and have closed admission to the village.

GRUC have provisionally indicated to Relubbus residents that their Council Tax will rise this year by 1,000,000%, but that they should feel a lot safer with handy-sized nuclear weapons pointing at Hayle.

Clarence Trezela has disappeared from the area.