UPPER TOWANS SALE TRIGGERS REACTIONS AROUND CORNWALL

The sale of Upper Towans beach in Gwithian for the huge sum of £80,000 to a mystery buyer, widely believed by locals to be a complete idiot and sucker ‘extraordinaire’, has set tongues wagging.

The primary advantage of ownership seems to be the ability to point at the beach, and say “I own that beach, I do!” whilst holidaymakers surge past, completely ignoring you, with dismissive words such as “Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

There are no usual proprietorial rights. Indeed there are restrictive covenants, the most surprising of which are that 'ownership extends only to that portion of the Towans which is covered by water' and that 'ownership is only enjoyed when the water is frozen’. The sale of such paltry ownership rights for such a high price is a breathtaking triumph for the Economic Ministry of the People’s Republic of Hayle.

Tregavarah Ventongimps (42), ruler of the rogue state that is The People’s Republic of Hayle, is believed to have encouraged the sale, the proceeds of which are said to flow straight into his personal coffers.

Ventongimps is a sad and extremely reluctant exponent of the art of ‘combover’, after four failed, but very expensive, hair transplants undertaken outside the People’s Republic at the famed Norton Clinic in Relubbus. With £80,000 now at his disposal, he is rumoured to be set on ‘blowing the lot’ at the Norton.

With this frankly wholly unexpected sales success, it is expected that similar sales will be tried in respect of the whole of Hayle’s Three Miles of Golden Sands’, particularly with the gullible purchaser of Upper Towans, who, the Roundup can exclusively reveal, is none other than Madonna.

This amazing sale has given rise to a plethora of other ‘special offers’ in respect of the Cornish seaside and coast, dreamed up by hopeful locals, seeking to transform their finances.

Mounts Bay (Airspace) Extremely Limited is to sell the entire airspace above Mounts Bay from a height of 75 feet above the sea to a height of 80 feet above the sea for the astronomical sum of £48,000,000. Eager billionaires eager to get any slice of Cornwall are believed to be queuing up to be able to bid for the exclusive ownership rights of this huge airspace.

Spokesman for the vendor company, Denzil Trevains (47 and believed to be a descendant of the famed Cornish enetertainer "Banjo Trevains", pictured left), who until now has made a living as an ice cream salesman in the summer months, said, “This is a one-off opportunity to own a vast tract of airspace over a beautiful part of Cornwall. The owners will be able to charge seabirds – and there are many – every time they fly across it, so the earnings potential is huge!”

Other Cornish beaches rumoured to be likely to be sold – on copycat conditions of the Upper Towans sale – are Porthmeor, Gwenver, Porthtowan, Porthminster (pictured) and Sennen. Part of the deal will be a teashirt with the words “I own this beach, I do!” printed on the front. On the back, the Kernewek word GOKY will be printed in large letters.

The Roundup will report further on this developing story.