THUNDERCLAPS AT ST CLAP'S

By Our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Chlamydia Diaphragm-Fart

Crows an Wra has been rocked by controversy following various scandals emerging from the fundraiser held in the Sunday School rooms of the Maronite Christian Church of St Fiacre -- the latter being, quite by coincidence, the patron saint of sexually-transmitted disease. Although, outside of Crows an Wra, this may be a little-known fact of the sort which might only help you to become successful on Who wants to be a Millionaire?, all the denizens of Crows an Wra know it and thus the Church is known locally as the Church of St Clap's.

“St Clap’s” holds a successful fundraiser every year at this time and it is always a magnetic crowd-puller, attracting a mind-boggling 48 visitors last year, including the Pope, Benedict XVI (shown on the left,wearing a dashing new hat, purchased at Simpson’s in Penzance), temptress Madame Sarkozy, comedian Jimmy Carr, and (then) presidential hopeful, Barack Obama.


Unbelievably, this year, St Clap’s managed to pull in even more visitors, achieving a total of 54. Amongst these, Barack Obama was back again – a hopeful no longer, but a President-elect who stated his clear intention to secure closer bonds with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council led by the visionary 84-year-old Billy Spargo.

As Obama said, “Spargo (shown here on the left in a picture of typical world-leader-inspiring serenity) has so much to teach the world – about ethics, about statecraft and about personal hygiene”. At the mention of this last point, Madame Sarkozy (Cecilia, the Frog one, not the new Eytie one) , another returning visitor and one whose name has been romantically linked with that of Councillor Spargo, burst into enthusiastic applause, followed by floods of sobbing tears.

Apparently Sarah Palin too had been intending to come to St Clap’s at Crows an Wra because it was the only place outside of Alaska, other than Washington, that she had heard of. However, she was held up by emergency repairs on her hairdo.

Celebrity, then, is something we have come to readily associate with Crows an Wra. What is, for us all, entirely new is the huge controversy that has arisen from the nature of some of the fund-raising acts.

The Church verger and assistant choirmaster, 45-year-old bachelor Gwenver Lamprey Smegma-Tregenza, has upset very many people by posing as a "Scotchman", “Wee Doogie MacDuff”.

Wearing just a pink Guernsey sweater, matching pink tartan and pink ballet shoes, “Wee Doogie MacDuff” sat closeted in a telephone box, which was draped in lavish purple satin to discourage prying eyes out for a freebie.

He charged visitors £5 to lift his tartan “to see what a Scotchman has under his kilt!” It was considered that such a show was “lowering the tone” of the event. Both ladies who queued outside Doogie’s stall, the Misses Penberthy (89 and 92), who suffer from poor sight and poor hearing, each went in several times and were heard to remark that they simply could not guess what the vegetable was.

Doogie’s offer of half-price for children was deemed to be beyond the pale and the Rev Abdul Aziz Polglaze closed down the stall when he saw the sign.

Amongst other famous guests, an inquisitive Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel, dressed as the Wagnerian Brunhilde and sporting a briar pipe, was seen to be showing especial interest in Agnes Botterill’s home-made Treacle Skin Care range for pipe-smoking females.

José Manuel Barroso, the President of the European Commission, who lends a new respectability to the practice of cross-dressing, was seen to be captivated by Denzil Trevains’ stall “Is it pigshit or is it chocolate?” After 15 tasting sessions at £5 a go, José was clearly deeply shocked to be told that the substance was really not chocolate.

He became extremely upset and was escorted from the building, shouting that it contravened all EU laws to offer pigshit to innocents to eat. Trevains was unmoved: “No one ad’un apart from ‘ee. Everyone d knaw ‘s all a bit laugh. I could’n’ believe it when this ‘ere man cum up and wanted to pay for to eat of un. Mind you – least it was fresh this mornin’!”

At this point the Reverend Polglaze thanked everyone for coming – especially the celebrity foreign guests – and announced that the event had raised a mind-boggling £537.57.