Issue 7, 16th July 2007

INTERNATIONAL NEWS
SITUATION "VERY TENSE" ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute

The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle has flared up again, after a bellicose speech by firebrand Relubbus Councillor Billy Spargo. Addressing the Relubbus Foreign Relations Committee, he asserted that the new border established after the 1968 "4-Day War" unfairly penalized Relubbus, by ceding to Hayle vast acres of land traditionally regarded as being part of Greater Relubbus. In particular, he said, Polglaze's dairy farm had been seized by the Haylors and shamefully turned into a "theme park", known as "Merlin's Magical Land".

The disputed area is shown in yellow in the map.

Councillor Spargo went on to claim that several Hayle businesses owned by Relubbusites had been fire-bombed. It was time, he said, to take action to protect Relubbus citizens resident in Hayle.

Last night, an armoured column of Relubbus Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs) was seen moving towards the border. The WDTs are shown left, at their base at Relubbus's Camp Xray, prior to departure.

On the Hayle side, all army leave has been cancelled and reservists have been called up. It is rumoured that the Republic's crack troops, the 1st Hayle Alpine Brigade (shown below), are dug in close to the border.


Meanwhile, frantic diplomatic efforts are being made to avoid catastrophe. It is understood that Lower Gwavas, the current chair of the Union of Kernow States, is desperately trying to broker a last-minute deal between the opposing sides.

The next few days will tell whether it's to be peace or war. The Roundup will bring you all the news as it happens!





SCOOP OF THE DAY: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
By Political Editor Loveday Olds

Shoppers in Simpsons of Penzance were treated to some unexpected entertainment when Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader, Billy Spargo (shown on the left, below), happened upon the Westminster MP for the St Ives Division, Andrew George (shown right, below), in the shop. Naturally, the Roundup was there and is able to report the spat verbatim.

Billy was in quest of a new headscarf for his Enty May’s birthday. "Nothun too speshul, something fer everyday, you duh knaw!"

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed George skulking in the shadows in a desperate attempt to escape his gaze. The two men have long been known to be bitter enemies and George has often had to suffer the venom of Spargo’s acid tongue.

Mr Spargo regards the Westminster Parliament, in which Mr George seeks to represent the interests of the West Penwith community, as a useless relic from the recent past. According to Spargo, his Relubbus supporters, and growing numbers around Cornwall, the true interests of Kernow go unaddressed by most of the political institutions of today, with the notable exception of the GRUC.

Regarded by many outsiders as just another part of England, Cornwall - or Kernow -- was once a country with its own unique and proud traditions, culture, customs, practice, and language, having more in common with Brittany than Devon. These unique badges of nationality have not entirely disappeared, but have merely dimmed, and in the hearts of many a Spargo, Clemo, or Jago the embers of nationhood await no more than the soft hush of the breath of recognition to be fanned into flames. In a man like Spargo, the flames are already burning bright and his passion is palpable to all. To his followers, the legitimacy of his position on the "Cornish question" is unquestionable and much more securely founded than that of George, a mere footsoldier in Westminster.

The following exchange took place:

Spargo: "'Ere, George, ‘sthat you over there lurkin’?"

George: "Oh hello, Mr Spargo, what a pleasant surprise -- I didn’t see you there!"

Spargo: "Call yerself Cornish? Whaddyou doin fer we up London? We wanna shut down the border and pack in all this London politickin' mullarkey. ‘Ome rule fer the whole of Cornwall, jes like we got now fer Relubbus -- th’s what we duh want."

George: "Mr Spargo, if you would just give me the chance to explain my position... I really am trying to do my best for the people of this region. I would be most grateful to have the chance of coming to Relubbus to address the council... "

Spargo: "I aren’t listening to any o’ this rubbish and I can tell ee something else too. Relubbus idden gonna pay any more subsidies to either London or Brussels. We are withdrawin’ all fundin' as of now."

George: "But Mr Spargo, the European Union will collapse and the London government cannot function without the generous subsidies Relubbus has been paying."

Spargo: "Old yer tongue, boy -- I ebben finished yet. Relubbus is removin' all its forces from NATO too!"

George: (After stoney silence) "Splutter... Cough... Cough! Please, Mr Spargo... are you joking?"

Spargo: "NO, I AREN’T!"

Whereupon, Mr Spargo turned on his heel and left without a further word -- leaving Mr George dazed and speechless.
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ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN KWIKSAVE
As reported in the last edition of the Roundup, Roy Orbison, the famed American singer/songwriter who is seldom out of the Relubbus Top Ten, is planning a "comeback" world tour -- and he has chosen Relubbus as the venue for the UK leg of the tour. Indeed, Roy has been so impressed by the passion and loyalty of his Relubbus fans that he will play not one but two gigs in the city; and Relubbus will have the distinction of hosting the first and the last of the tour concerts.

Roy (shown above posing for surprised fans in Hayle Kwiksave last week), is currently paying his second visit to Relubbus in as many months, as he finalizes details of the tour.

Councillor Billy Spargo confirmed last night that, in a special deal arranged by himself, the Relubbus Methodist Hall had been booked for both gigs. To cater for the expected huge demand for tickets it was planned to bring in extra folding chairs from the WI, he said. Quizzed about ticket prices, Councillor Spargo said that they would "reflect the stellar nature of the talent on show and the huge logistical difficulties in bringing the "Big O" to Relubbus". "If people want tuh see 'un they'll 'ave tuh cough up!" he said.
Mozart -- alive and well and living in Marazion!
The international music world was set ablaze with wild excitement -- and near disbelief -- at the shock news that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart -- formerly, but erroneously, believed to have died in 1791 -- is in fact alive and well and still at work in Marazion. Mr Mozart claims to have retired from the scorching glare of international superstar publicity and to have retired long ago for the peace, quiet and obscurity of rural life in 18th century Cornwall, since when he has continued to thrive in good health, living under the assumed name of Dickie Trembath.

The picture on the left shows Mr Mozart at the tender age of 21 and was, as Mr Trembath says, "taken" in 1777. "Photeegraphs wadden too good back in them days ", he maintains.

Mr Mozart was known as a musical child prodigy and is considered by many to have been one of the greatest ever composers of classical music -- and he displayed equal talents in performance. Mr Trembath, as he now likes to be called, comments "Es, I could knock up a good tune in them days!" Today he plays no other instrument than the spoons, but does so with astounding dexterity and with considerable accomplishment, a regular favourite being the Cornish song "Goin up Camborne ‘ill".

Mr Trembath has disappointed many of his German acolytes by his refusal to converse with them in German, leading some critics to conclude that his claim to be the musical maestro is false. Mr Trembath is quite affronted at such suggestions, maintaining with vigour that "anyone what do say that I aren’t Mozart is a bleddy liar and is goin to get ‘is face smashed in!"

Mr Trembath is pictured on the left playing a shortened version of his Symphony Number 40, which sounds curiously like "Trelawny".

Despite vicious claims that Mr Trembath is making this story up in order to improve his currently parlous financial circumstances, he maintains that all is true. The experts continue to investigate and the Roundup will continue to report!



Ponce escapes from Barncoose
It is reported that Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce has absconded from the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators. Last month, Ponce convinced shoppers in Relubbus TESCO's that she was none other than Roy Orbison, the legendary American singer who died in 1988. (Reuters).
RELUBBUS TOP TEN July 2007

1. The Great Pretender The Platters
2. My Way Frank Sinatra
3. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
4. A Hard Day's Night Beatles
5. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
6. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
7. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
8. Brand New Key Melanie
9. Dancing Queen Abba
10. In The Mood Glen Miller

HUSTLE'S REVENGE: defrocked Parish Council Chairman Returns To Terrorise Relubbus
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Crown Court
As reported in an earlier edition of the Roundup, boy-racer Derek Hustle (63) was sacked as Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, after being convicted of speeding at Relubbus Magistrates' Court.

In Relubbus Crown Court yesterday, the jury was told that Hustle was so incensed by this turn of events that he returned to Relubbus, intent on revenge. The prosecution alleged that his intention was to "spread fear and confusion among the population, by driving down the High Street at speeds in excess of 30 mph."

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"'Ee wuz goin' down the 'igh Street even faster than las' time. I clocked 'un at 33 mph. 'Ee was wearin' one o' they 'ats with the peak at the back, drivin' one-'anded, an' makin' gestures an' shouting abuse out o' the window."

Hustle's solicitor said that this time he could offer little in the way of mitigation, adding that, in his opinion, Hustle was a "depraved character" and "a thoroughly bad man" who deserved to go down for a considerable period.

Mr Justice Bolitho-Baraganaweth evidently agreed, as he sentenced Hustle to serve a minimum of 15 years in Bodmin gaol. "The public must be protected", he said, "from renegade Parish Council Chairmen!"

Hustle was unrepentant as he was led away (disguised as a woman) to begin his sentence.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek has really done it this time. I stood by him last time, but I just can't bear the shame any more."

Mrs Hustle was led away in tears by Relubbus Council Chairman Billy Spargo, who had attended court to see justice done. As they left, he placed a comforting arm around her shoulder. It is understood that he is acting as Mrs Hustle's agent in negotiations with the Roundup for the rights to serialize the story of her tempestuous life with Hustle. Order the next Roundup now!

JOURNEY DOWN EMBASSY ROW
This week, the Roundup takes a peek at what is going on inside the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus.

At No.4 Pridden lane in Relubbus is the luxurious, rambling edifice that is the Japanese Embassy. Here, as the personal representative of the Emperor in Relubbus, is the Ambassador, His Excellency Xaibatsu Kotsuhiro, his charming wife, Michiko, and their little boy, Nagasaki.

Mr Kotsuhiro believes it is essential that the "Japanese" quality of the embassy and its inhabitants should be preserved, and consequently everyone must wear Japanese national dress at all times. Fish ‘n’ chips are not allowed more than once a week. However, the family does try to play a full part in local Cornish life.

Mrs Kotsuhiro has joined the Relubbus Young Farmers’ Women’s Club, in which she is known as ‘Kyoto Kate’, in order to protect Cornish palates from having to negotiate complex Japanese vowels. Little Nagasaki attends the local Cornish Nationalist Primary School, in which he is a regular playtime favourite as the Japanese soldier, and then prisoner, in the ever-popular war game "Get the Nip".

When he gets a spare moment from the permanently-taxing negotiations with the Greater Relubbus Urban Council’s Foreign Relations Committee (GRUCFRC), the Ambassador takes part in car maintenance evening classes in nearby Goldsithney. Mr Kotsuhiro, who does not speak English, comments "Gou ni itte wa, gou ni shitagae" . Zakky Rosewarne, Translator-in-Chief for the GRUCFRC, stated "it is s'posed to be something about ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans’, but I’m a bit worried by that last word, which has definitely got 'shit' in it".

Regardless of the formulation of words, it is clear from the nods of the head and the frequent smiles that the whole Kotsuhiro family, despite having no English, is making every effort to fit in. The only two words in English that the Kotsuhiros possess are "Proper Job", which goes down very well in Cornwall. However, alone amongst the Relubbus diplomatic community, the Kotsuhiros have made good attempts to master Cornish and can be heard chattering away in simple Cornish amongst themselves, politely enquiring after each other's health ("Fatla genes?"), and eagerly responding "Yn poynt da, meur rasta", and so on.

Loveday Jacka, of the Cornish for World Language Society (COWLS), believes that the support of the Japanese could be vital in securing the position of Cornish as the new UN-preferred global language. We shall see, but, for now, say "Sayonara" to the Kosuhiros.
LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU!
Bamshad al akbar al St Erth (31) is a shy retiring man, now on the lookout for a wife. Bamshad is a member of an extreme Methodist community that has its headquarters in Tregeseal. He has a steady job at the Warrens Pasty factory in St Just, where he deploys his skills in crimping and egg-washing at the end of the production conveyor belt.

Bamshad is very fond of making souffles, at which he assures us he is a dab hand. He is a member of the Pendeen triangle quintet and is also the reigning conkers champion of West Penwith. A committed environmentalist, he has spent the last 10 years building his own house, which has been assembled entirely from beach pebbles and sheep dung.

Bamshad is looking for a woman who will appreciate his quiet, but manly, approach to life. He would especially like to meet someone who is seriously into home baking. If you think that you are Bamshad’s ideal girl, then Box 3047 is the one for you.

"Terry", as he likes to be called is not really from St Ives at all. In fact, he is from another dimension. He zapped into our world by mistake and has been trapped here ever since.

Since he arrived (in 1503) Terry has tried to fit into the local community as best he can. He claims to be 46,587 years old in Earth terms, but sadly in all that time (including 504 years on our planet) he has never had a relationship with a female (of any species).

Terry completely supports the Gordon Brown idea of an integrated Britain celebratory and inclusive of all its inhabitants (particularly him!). He has a good, regular job as a scarecrow on a farm near Nancledra and has built a hut on the top field there. To make his idyll complete, he needs -- at long last -- the love of a good Cornishwoman.

Terry plays the bazurmekkekek (an instrument from his home planet, which he was playing at the time he zapped in here). He assures us that the music is beautiful, but it is sadly inaudible to human ears.

Not able to speak, Terry is a fantastic telepath -- yes, it really works! Unfortunately, he possesses no genitalia, but hopes that this will prove no problem to a woman with a loving heart. If that is you, then Box 5629 is the one for you.

The Roundup does not discriminate against anyone on the grounds of race, religion, sexual orientation, or indeed on any basis. For this reason, we have not shrunk from accepting the following advert.

Madeleine and Tommy Roskilly of Treverven are in their late nineties and have been married since they were 18, never once straying from one another. Now growing conscious that the day when the Grim Reaper will call is stealing up on them, they have decided that they would like to "experiment".

They would like to meet a young Cornish couple who are both 18 -- like they once were- so that they can, in "swopsies", experience the physical passion and youthful vigour that was once theirs.

It would be helpful if one, or both, of the young couple were to have some medical experience.

As they have no bath or shower, Madeleine and Tommy would prefer to meet for their trysts at the other couple’s home, so that they could experience a bath or shower afterwards. Write to Box 3498 if you think that you meet the bill.

Parrasmus Pascoe (age unknown) is on the lookout for love. A night worker, he finds it difficult to meet and get to know young ladies.

Although he has taken a Cornish name, Parrasmus is not from these parts and speaks slowly and deliberately in an accent that would seem to hint at an East European origin. He enjoys the cold and abhors light. He does not talk much and seems to have no family. He does display some fondness towards the pet bats and rats that share his home.

Parrasmus is honest about his foul breath problem, but very cagey about just what it is that he does at night. He knows that he is something of a challenge, but believes that there must be many young women out there who would like a man that is different. Box 4561 is the one to go for.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

starring JULIE ANDREWS, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, and RICHARD HAYDN


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.








YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
We regret to have to report that, owing to unforeseen circumstances, the Swami Bhindra Conumdrum is unable to provide a horoscope this week -- or indeed ever again. In a curious and unfortunate co-incidence, while he was providing cover last week for Maurice Labalge, who had had a serious and completely unforeseen accident, he himself was accidentally injured -- fatally. Our thoughts are with the Swami’s family and friends.

However, we are pleased to announce that Mr Yamada Taro, a bric-a-brac salesman and fortune-teller from Tokyo, currently on holiday here in Newlyn and resident at the Tolcarne Inn, has very kindly stepped into the breach to provide us with forecasts, which he has produced with the aid of his Japanese/Engrish phrasebook!

Aries Banzai! How much dat cost, prease? I would rike to buy a pair of shoes. Dat bird have got no feathers. So sorry! Thank you!

Taurus Prease may I have one ice rorry? Toiret in my room do not frush properry. Also paper getting very row. I rike Cornish pasties very much -- they are dericious. Cor, take a rook at dat dorry bird!

Gemini Prease may I have new right burb. One in toiret not work proper. Banzai and so sorry!

Cancer Rittle seagurr just dropped pire of shit on shoulder -- dat mean very good ruck! You very rucky person.

Reo I know dat smoking not now good, but prease may I have one right for cigarette? Banzai! Your rady friend have nice knockers! You rucky man! Terevision not work in TV rounge -- dat not good.

Virgo Prease may I have one pint of rager? Orso rarge packet of peanuts. Thank you oh so much! Banzai! Ornamentar garden is beautiful and rook rovery with rirries! Remind me of gardens back hone in Nippon. Prease terr me where I can buy new pair of crean underpants? Banzai!

Ribra The rising sun bathe da whole worrd in rovery right! Dat wonderful! Banzai! Down at harbour, the ruggers set off for open sea to catch da fresh fish we rove so much arso in Nippon. As you might guess, I particurrary fond of nice piece of ring. Dat crock wrong! It not ereven o’ crock yet!

Scorpio Rittre ries can catch us out! Banzai! Prease may I have another srice of hogs pudding? It taste especiarry rovery! Where is pubric toiret, prease? I need to take a srash! Thank you for being so kind -- prease come see me in Nippon!
Sagittarius Prease, the erevator is broken and I get very right-headed on the stairs. May I say dat your wife got rearry nice regs! Wow! She what we call in Nippon a right rooker! Do you serve rice wine with the fish and chips?

Capricorn I would rike to go to the zoo to see the rions and erephants. Anteropes arso great favourite -- to eat as werr in Nippon! On Karaoke, may I sing "Ive got a rovery bunch of coconuts?" Banzai!

Aquarius Dey say dat it is better to have roved and rost dan never to have roved at all! Banzai! True dat! I rive arone in my shop. I hoping to meet rovery woman stir, who wirr rive wiv me and we rive rong rife togevver. Prease, may I have another rager with rice wine chaser prease? Dis rager broody good!

Pisces The rast is the best! Banzai! Make dat another rager with rice wine prease! It just srips down the throat. I am getting werr oired, as you say in Engrish! I fink dat Cornwarr is rovery prace. I want marry rovery Cornish girr and she come back in Tokyo wive me -- rive in shop! Banzai ! Sor sorry One more rager prease!

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG": Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal con-man revealed! Society Correspondent Rendell Janner reports.

• Mousehole Girls Do Us Proud: Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reviews the controversial new nude production of South Pacific.

• PC Trembath in trouble again! Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner takes a look at the unorthodox methods of Relubbus's maverick crime-buster!

• Up Chapel: our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder, reports on the latest Methodist jihad.

• Down Pendrawartha's: Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner visits Pendrawartha's Home for the Elderly.

• Over 'Arry's: Crime Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the chipshop war!
  

• In School: Education Correspondent Rendell Janner investigates the unusual methods of controversial headmaster James Bovenna.

• Inside the Indian Embassy: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner continues his series on the Relubbus diplomatic community.

• Poetry Corner: Literary Editor Emily Bindweed discovers the source of boy-phenomenon Philip Trudgeon's talent.
  

• 'Oos dead? Our ever-popular Obituaries section.
  

• And much, much more!