SPOTLIGHT ON UNUSUAL RELUBBUS SOCIETIES

“If you are tired of Relubbus, you are tired of life”. Thus spake the venerable GRUC Chairman, Billy Spargo, (107) himself.

One way in which the words of His Inimitable Eminence can be found to be true is in the richness of Relubbus cultural life.

There are 4,576 different societies you can join in Greater Relubbus. The Roundup has been invited to put the spotlight on just a few of the most unusual clubs so as to project an accurate picture of the rich diversity of Relubbus life. If you want more information of any of these just phone the Roundup on Relubbus 212121.

GAY TANDEM RIDERS CLUB

Can you ride tandem? The Gay Tandem Riders Club has 135 members. They are all highly skilled in the handling of the tandem and present a merry sight when they process down Boswedden Lane on Pride Day.

As their numbers indicate, they are one man short, so if you fancy getting behind Denzil Trembath, he says there’s a place on his tandem for you!

Respecting new Relubbus diversity legislation, membership is now also open to non-gay couples.

WICCAN TOGETHERNESS

A common misconception about Wiccans is that they are all complete nutters. If that is what you think, then Ron and Doris Penberthy (a young married couple from Goldsithney, who like to call themselves 'The long and the short of Wicca') are just waiting to prove you wrong.

Undaunted by her powerful lisp, Doris gushed enthusiastically, “when me an Ron duh get ‘ome frum work, we duh put on the mystic smoke frum they incense things and then we duh ‘ava go at conjuring up things.

I made all the costumes myself and I’ll make up sum new ones fer all they people what duh want to join we after seein’ this ‘ere!”

YOUNG WOMEN’S UNDERWATER FARTING CLUB

Sub-aquan intestinal gas expulsion is a strenuous and demanding sport, which requires both self-control and great skill. However, when it is executed correctly (as demonstrated here by Rebecca Tonkin), it is both graceful and eye-catching.

The exclusive Relubbus young women’s Underwater Farting Club (UFC) limits its full membership to just six lucky young women and accordingly has a waiting list of 1,207 arranged in 6 categories of ascending competence.

When a vacancy occurs (there is an upper age limit of 23!), an audition is held amongst the top twenty in category one.

It may seem strange to apply to such an oversubscribed club, but it enjoys an inordinately high status and even the high category ‘waiters’ are often boastful about their position.

YOUNG MAN’S ANAL PYROTECHNIC CLUB

Don’t try this at home!!

This club, which is open to young men only, grew out of a dare following a heavy curry night amongst rugby fan friends.

The resultant displays were so impressive that the club was set up to hone the required skills.

Club captain, Dickie “blaster” Clemo is pictured here displaying his hallmark 5 minute ‘blaze’, an acknowledged record in anal pyrotechnics.

TREGAVARAH OPEN AIR TOILETEERS

Human history has, bar the last few thousand years been played out entirely in the open. It is therefore not surprising that some, such as Bert Prat of Heamoor, find it refreshing to be able to live out some of their lives in the open air.

Toileteering in the open air started off as an occasional pleasure for Bert, but now it is part of his daily life. To be able to sit out back, enjoy a bottle of beer, chat on the ‘phone to friends whilst performing a necessary and natural function “seems kinda right to me”, he says in his almost convincing American accent.

You are welcome to call round at Bert’s and try out outside toileteering for yourself.

If you like it, Bert will help you with the necessary plumbing and give you coaching in speaking with an American accent.

PROSPIDNICK YODELLING CLUB

Yodelling is an art most often associated with the Alpine regions, but many will be surprised to discover that it has long been practised in Prospidnick, which lies at the foot of towering snow-capped Mount Relubbus.

Ned Trezise, club leader, is a member of one of the oldest families in Prospidnick, who first came here from Africa around 12,000 years ago. Photographed here in mid-yodel, Ned will look forward to meeting anyone who would like to join the 600 strong club.

GOLDSITHNEY YOUNG NUDE MALE’S KNITTING CIRCLE

Lenny Wakfer (21) is so far the only, but very enthusiastic, member of this somewhat unusual club. It is open to any nude males in Goldsithney who have achieved high skill levels in knitting.

However, Lenny has pointed out that, should no one come forward, he would be happy to change the primary activity of the club to something a little more manly such as fishing or hang-gliding.


MRS TINK’S ICELANDIC FLOWER-ARRANGING CLASS

Gladys Tink would like to welcome anyone interested to attend a taster evening in her Icelandic flower-arranging class.

To those who might find this idea daunting, she points out that the flower-arranging is pretty much like flower-arranging anywhere, but she also admits that mastering the Icelandic does take a bit of hard work.

“It took me 14 years to get my conversational Icelandic up to scratch, but I find it so rewarding to be able to call my flowers by their proper Icelandic names and to be able to chat away about all the latest gossip. I can’t wait for others to join me!” (Mrs Tink does warn that her house sadly does not permit wheelchair access).