Absent-mindedly, but with the sureness of familiar routine, Abner Clemo slowly strapped to his left thigh the well-worn, but sturdy, leather straps of his wooden leg before reaching down to pick up and similarly secure his right wooden leg to his other thigh. He always did it that way – left before right. He was a man who found great comfort in routine.
It was no easy thing for him to do. The same accident that took out his legs all those many years ago also left him with only a thumb and half a little finger on each hand – very difficult to tie your straps up like that! Anyhow, looking on the bright side, no one could call him “Wanker!”
Abner was the sort of man who believed in looking on the bright side. It never seemed to be where he was, so he kept looking for it elsewhere.
He looked up at the ceiling in his hut at what he called his ‘weather hole’. Whatever was happening outside was usually also happening inside thanks to the weather hole. It was so often streaming with rain that he had placed a bucket beneath it. Today the bucket was quiet, empty and dry – no rain – yet, at any rate.
Screwing up his good eye. he could just make out what appeared to be a clear blue sky. It was on just such a day, in his dreams, that Fiona Bruce (pictured left after her arrest for Saturday night drunken brawling) would ask him to marry her, so he now looked forward to the unfolding events of the day with an even greater relish than that usually afforded by his seemingly boundless optimism. Fiona’s picture had blown into his hut some years ago. It had caused him great excitement then and, ever since, had been a treasured possession.
He had long since got the hang of the bedsprings he had had attached to the end of his legs and, feeling the first stirrings of nature’s call, in three stout springy bounces, he had reached the stream in which he performed all acts of ablution.
For a man in his 95th year and with his complicated medical history, he was in astoundingly good form. With just the one eye up to something near scratch and deaf as a post, he still had an astonishingly good sense of smell, which was something of a curse in his case.
With an agility that belied his years, he emerged from the stream and bounded back towards the hut (pictured left), bellowing Fiona’s name at the release of each spring.
At the entrance to the hut, he stopped – naked and toothless – in total shock at the vision which awaited him inside…..
To be continued…
THE STORY OF ABNER CLEMO
FRIENDS OR MORE
Just think! Your perfect partner could be living within 5 miles of your home. How do you find them? You come to Friends or More, founded over 3 and half weeks ago by Agnes Pengelly. Then you will meet special folk like these, who would just love to meet you.
Women seeking men
Maggie Ladner (38) used to make a living by being exhibited as the fattest woman in Crowlas, weighing in at an amazing 54 stone. However, when the wall of her house had to be demolished so that she could get out to attend her mother’s funeral, she decided to take matters in hand and lose a little bit of weight.
After six weeks hard dieting, she is now down to a trim 18 and a half stone. She celebrated with her first drink of water. With just over 80% of the fat folds now surgically removed, she feels, at long last, ready to meet and take on the male world. Having shed the fat, she is now jobless and would like to find a man with his own business such as fish and chip shop, airline or shipping company so that she can share his work life as well as his bed.
Belinda Hicks (36) is a traffic warden from Carnyorth. She is single and desperate to meet a man to have children before the time clock runs out. She has freckles and flat feet, but is not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps dipped in a mixture of Bovril and Salad cream. Needs to meet a man, who won’t mind baldness. Phone Belinda on Hayle 67456.
Avril Behenna (26) is a cuddly funeral home receptionist with one eye (but guess which one is made of glass!!?!!)from Camborne, who would like to meet the man of her dreams: He is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean ‘beans on toast’ as well as …well you come and find out. Phone Avril on Halsetown 561.
Trish Acne (67) is a retired bookkeeper from Sancreed. She has lived a quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. ‘I was always brought up to save myself for the right man – now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?’ Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boy’s Brigade?, perhaps, but not homosexual). Keywords for me are ‘warm underwear’, ‘cocoa’, ‘slugs’ and ‘droppings’. Is this you?? Phone Trish on Sancreed 423.
Chris Myfanwy Fanny (45) is a teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982). She seeks an understanding male who will not be put off by her unusual bladder difficulties. ‘I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32’. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have ‘one o’ they special cranes’. Phone Chris on Crowlas 510.
Men seeking women
Barry Penrose (19) is a trainee telegraphist for the recently opened Morvah Telephony Company, which provides virtually instantaneous communications between Morvah and other communications hubs, such as Relubbus, Penzance, Mevagissey, Windsor (CA), Elmshorn (Germany) and Ulan Bator. Barry is the 2006 tiddlywinks champion at the Gulval branch of the YMCA (Young Maladjusted and Criminally Antisocial).
A fervent advocate of Kernewek Kemmyn, Barry believes that if we all use ‘K’s instead of ‘C’s, we can’t go wrong in life. He has no interest in girls yet, but, following an embarrassing string of ‘accidents’ in his bed at night (which he doesn’t understand), his Mum has ordered him to ‘get a girlfriend’. Interested young ladies (hopefully also members of High Street Methodist Church choir) are invited to ‘phone Mrs Penrose between 7.30 pm and 8.00pm on 01736 364901 (No scrubbers!)
Denzil Trevains, (26) a body washer (4th class, but hoping for promotion), constructs wooden Ipods in his spare time and is also a trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band. He seeks an understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. ‘Phone Denzil at the Botallack Mortuary, extension 3.
Craig Wakfer (49) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he preferred to use the term ‘coop-fan’, whilst defending himself in court) from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his ‘condition’ seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called ‘Clucky’, Craig now dismisses Clucky ‘as nothing but a bleddy cocktease!’. Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures.
Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks, when he expects that he will no longer require the oxygen supply he now uses to avoid breathing in the noxious fumes emanating from the weeping pustules in his groin area.
Others seeking Others
Chris (surname withheld) is a lonesome toilet repair operative (30s) without any experience beyond vigorous self-manipulation. He has always wondered what ‘it’ would be like. ‘Chris’ says only that Chris lives ‘west of Truro’ and lives alone ‘without comforts’.
Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by particular canine odours, then phone 01736 3654192 (a public ‘phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening and Chris will pick up with his ‘good hand’.
BERNERS-LEE ENDORSES THE ROUNDUP
The Relubbus Roundup is proud to announce that Sir Tim Berners-Lee (left), widely acknowledged as the "father" of the World Wide Web, has praised this organ as a source of truthful, verified, unbiased, and objective news.
Sir Tim has frequently highlighted the spread of false or misleading information on the internet as a danger that could irretrievably damage the usefulness of the Web as an information tool.
He deplores the way in which the web -- which started out as a fundamentally democratic phenomenon and a medium for academic debate -- has, in recent years, come to be dominated by governments and corporate interests, each with its own political or commercial axe to grind.
As examples of the ways in which the web's credibility has been damaged, he cites the rise of promotional sites that masquerade as impartial sources of advice, search engines where the results are skewed by the marketing dollar, sites that promote Creationism as scientific fact, government "information" sites that disseminate misinformation, and search engines that block politically-inconvenient sites at the behest of governments.
"In our fallen online paradise," says Berners-Lee, "the Roundup shines out like a beacon of probity in a naughty world. When you read the Roundup, you can be confident that you are being told the Truth. Facts are checked and double-checked. Political comment is balanced, informed, and measured. I commend the Roundup to serious thinkers everywhere!"
OLYMPIC HERO IN DRUGS AND SEX SCANDAL!
Olympic gold medal hero Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14), so recently lionised as the winner of the ‘Floating’ competition at the Beijing Olympics, is at the centre of a sensational drugs-and-sex scandal that threatens to cut short his brief but spectacular career (writes undercover investigative correspondent Dave Seedy).
Only weeks after being idolised by the vast crowds lining Boswedden Lane during the victorious Relubbus Olympic team's open-top bus tour of the city, Nudd has been caught in flagrante with an Atlantic grey seal, a bottle-nosed dolphin, a porbeagle, and a basking shark in the Olympic-sized swimming pool at the home of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) leader Billy Spargo. It is not known whether Mr Spargo was present at the time, and he was not available for comment yesterday.
According to shocked eye-witnesses, a kind of "feeding frenzy" seemed to be taking place in the pool. Nudd, who consumes 400 pasties a day in training and cannot stand unaided, was at the centre of the frenzy, but a vast amount of fish was consumed by all the participants.
"'Zobvious t' me, they wuz all on drugs", said Mr Spargo's gardener, Bednego Tonkin.
There have also been allegations of inappropriate sexual activity involving Nudd, the seal and the dolphin, though the Roundup cannot substantiate the truth of this. Worse still for Nudd's reputation, the dolphin is apparently a male animal and the seal may be under-age! It is said to have "absconded" from the Children's Touch Pool at the Mevagissey Sea Life Centre on Sunday.
The Relubbus Olympic Committee meet on Wednesday to decide which of its rules, if any, Nudd has broken, and what action to take against him. The Roundup will keep you posted, but at the moment it looks as if Nudd's meteoric athletic career could be over.
ROMANTIC RELUBBUS
Women seeking Men
Female Traffic Warden (36), single and desperate to meet man to have children before time clock runs out. Freckles and flat feet, but not yet (quite) clinically obese. Sunny disposition and loves Kettle Crisps. Needs to meet a man who won’t mind the smell. Phone Belinda Hicks on Hayle 67456.
Cuddly Funeral Home Receptionist with one eye (the other is lovingly carved by her father from Helford Passage Oak) (26) from Camborne would like to meet man of her dreams: he is over 5 ft 6 ins tall, has a well preserved Ford Anglia, knows a bit about DIY (but will still need me, if you know what I mean!) has only occasionally visited prostitutes and knows how to take proper care of budgies (I have thirty!). I can offer a mean "beans on toast", as well as… well, you come and find out. Phone Avril Behenna on Halsetown 561.
Retired bookkeeper from Botallack (67), has lived quiet life at home with mother, who has just passed on at the age of 93. Was always brought up to save myself for the right man – "Now mother’s gone, I can look for him. Are you he?". Ideally seeking man of Congregationalist background (former Boys' Brigade?, perhaps, but not homo-so-exual). Keywords for me are "warm underwear", "cocoa", "slugs", and "droppings". Is this you? Phone Trish Acne on Sancreed 423.
Teacher of Religious Knowledge and Halsetown’s champion knitter (1982) seeks understanding male who will not be put off by bladder difficulties. I am happy to meet a man who is seriously overweight, as I am myself a size 32. Up for all sexual adventures not involving difficult positions, unless you have one o’ they special cranes. Phone Chris Myfanwy Fanny on Crowlas 510.
Men seeking women
Kolin Klemo (32), a Kernewek Kemmyn aficionado, currently works at a fish and chip shop in Hayle, but firmly believes that he is cut out for mega-earnings in Asian equity sales, when securities become big in either Hayle or Lelant. He firmly expects to be trading in his Reliant Robin (no engine or wheels) for a Maserati in the near future.
If you are a local girl (preferably a real goer like Linda Penrose) who fancies the Maserati life, then please join the queue outside Highlane Fish and Chips, Hayle, at 9.30 pm next Tuesday, when Kolin will be interviewing, weather permitting.
Denzil Trevains (26), a constructor of wooden Ipods and trombonist in the Pendeen Silver band, seeks understanding matron to help him with his flagellant condition. Denzil needs to be beaten every day and, if you will wear sandals and paint your toenails pink, he will not mind what you look like or what sex you are. Phone Denzil at the Mortuary, extension 3. 
Celebrity note: Denzil is a nephew of legendary West Penwith busker, the late (and scarcely-lamented) "Banjo" Trevains.
Craig Wakfer (29) is an almost reformed chicken-botherer (he prefers the term "coop-fan") from Heamoor, who thinks no one should take his "condition" seriously. Arrested four years ago for his pursuit of an innocent (in the opinion of the owner) Cornish game hen called Clucky, Craig now dismisses Clucky as "nothing but a bleddy cocktease!".Craig has now turned his back on the chicken coop and is looking firmly towards the world of women for his next sexual adventures. Ask for Craig at HMP Boscathnoe. He is due for release in 6 weeks.
Others seeking Others
Lonesome Toilet Repair Operative (30s) without any experience beyond self-manipulation wonders what "it" would be like. "Chris" says only that he lives "west of Truro" and alone "without comforts". Chris has never – ever – seriously harmed anyone on purpose, so you needn’t worry on that score! If you, like Chris, are seriously turned on by smells, then phone 01736 365419 (a public phone box) between 6.30 pm and 6.35 pm any weekday evening.BARGAIN CORNER
Eco-friendly wind-up fridge. Can hold half pound of butter and one pint of milk!! Requires only 36 revolutions a minute to keep contents at a constant cool 18 degrees. £545. Call Ernie Rescorla on St Just 872.
One Wellington Boot size 8 left foot, 17 years old, but NO holes! £21. Interested should write enclosing £2.50 reservation and administration fee to D. Dungey, No.4 Boswergy Caravan Park.
Nine sticks of rhubarb (last year’s crop) 47 pence (£45, if delivered). Call Roy on his mobile, 07789 654230.
Paraffin-powered Kiddies night light only £6. Ask for Christine in Penzance Lower Kwop.
Ladies hob-nailed boots, left foot size 5 and right foot size 10 (with "LTregonning" cut into leather). Will suit lady called L Tregonning with appropriately-sized feet. £9. Enquiries to Hazel at Tregenza’s fruiterers in Penzance.
Elderly lady’s underwear (large) Complete set as she has no further need of them. Recently washed and no stains, £37. Apply at Pendrea Home for the Aged.
Gent’s toothbrush, still with some bristles left in the middle, 49 pence. Ask for Denis in the kitchens at the Queens Hotel, Penzance.
One pair of Lady’s Incontinence knickers (new elastic fitted and padding partly renewed!) only 25 pence. Speak to Sylvia Trenwith (when sober only!!) at the Dolphin Inn, Newlyn.
35 cotton buds for ear-cleaning. Only used twice and well-wiped, 25 pence. Apply to the Rev Obadiah Polkinghorne at Marazion Methodist Chapel any Sunday.
Man’s woollen bathing costume in faded purple, patched up (except for fart hole) and fitted with new piece of string. Good for, at least, four more swims. Only 72 pence. Apply to Denzil Rosewarne at Porthmeor Beach, St Ives, who sells Saffron Buns and Kernewek Kemmyn crosswords.
