Our international affairs correspondent, Rendell Janner, reports on a worrying return to the darkest days of the Cold War
In what could be the start of a major international incident, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (84), has warned Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin (33, left) to "keep 'is snout out" of Relubbus's affairs.
Councillor Spargo (93) is said to be "incandescent" about Russia's latest support for Relubbus's arch-enemy, the People's Republic of Hayle.
The "People's Republic" has long been a client state of Russia, from which it obtains most of its industrial machinery, consumer goods (such as there are), cars, tractors, and military hardware. In return, it supplies the Russians with bananas and sugar cane. The political and economic ethos of the drab one-party state is fundamentally opposed to that of the thriving free-market economy of Relubbus.
Prime Minister Putin was spotted on a recent fishing trip to the People's Republic, where he is shown (left) fishing in Copperhouse Pool.
The border dispute between Relubbus and the People's Republic has been simmering for decades. However, in recent years the antagonists have mostly been content to glare at each other from their respective watchtowers on either side of the border, across acres of minefields.
That could be about to change, if reports that Russia has supplied the Haylors with medium-range rockets are true. These rockets are capable of targeting central Relubbus. Although the formidable Relubbus military machine obviously possesses far more powerful missiles of its own, Spargo clearly fears that their new weapons could tempt the Haylors, who have never possessed such armaments before, into making a rash pre-emptive strike.
Putin is shown, left, with one of the rockets that he has allegedly supplied to the People's Republic.
In a bellicose statement, Councillor Spargo (23) threatened that, unless the Russians withdrew the rockets, he would send a naval taskforce headed by the battleship Pride of Relubbus (formerly HMS Warspite) to blockade the Russian navy in the Black Sea.
He also threatened to turn off Russia's major source of energy, the pipeline from the giant Cripplesease wind farm.
We will keep you informed as the crisis develops.
SPARGO WARNS PUTIN
PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR 2008
By our celebrity and psychiatric correspondent, Professor Doktor Heinrich Pfeifentabak
The Professor Doktor is renowned as a therapist (NOT, he insists, as "the rapist”), who provides much needed help to the fragile egos of the rich and famous, who can afford his, frankly exorbitant, fees.
It is therefore no surprise that his clientele is drawn from such hotbeds of affluent celebrity as the Pacific Palisades, Hollywood and Bel Air in Los Angeles, as well as from the even more upmarket Boswedden Lane in Relubbus, Pengersick Lane in Germoe, and the sumptuous beachside villas of Praa Sands.
In this article, he draws on his intimate acquaintance with the world of celebrity to give his ‘top tips’ on the contenders for this year’s “Personality of the Year” Award, which is presented by the committee of the Relubbus Lesbian Underwater Knitters’ and Wrestlers’ Association.
Insiders will not be surprised at the Professor’s first choice, which is that of the ‘Marazion Bookends’, a gay Marazion couple, who have made enormous strides – and sacrifices – to further the physical practice of gay love, which they have made available to the general public in their Christmas book from Long Rock Publications entitled “What’s your bent? The Third Sex – in our own words”.
The pair, Leonard Cock (51) on the left and Dick Head (48) on the right, are both butchers, who met whilst attending a seven month “Know your meat” course at the St Buryan Higher Institute Fer Meat Slicing and Sausage-making four years ago. Says Leonard, “It was love at first sight. As soon as I’d seen ov un, I knew ‘ee was the one!”.
Dick was even more direct in his words, which, for legal reasons, cannot be reproduced here.
Professor Pfeifentabak says, “Zeir exact mapping of ze precise topography of same-sex matings defies belief. If you put zis togezzer viz ze astounding quality of zeir pork sausages, you must be on a vinner!”
There is little doubt in the correctness of Pfeifentabak’s selection for bravest politician of the year. Sylvia Burlesque-Only’s tragic hair loss is a story with which men the world over can sympathise and empathise.
This shy and retiring miniscule Italian (now still only 41 according to his press profile, but who began losing his hair 39 years ago!) was obliged to meet world leaders wearing a handkerchief on his head to hide the stridently obvious emergency repairs to his rapidly disappearing thatch. He was only able to bear this enormous humiliation by taking absurdly strong ‘happy’ drugs, topped up with regular swigs from Bolster’s Blood from Driftwoods Spars’ Brewery from St Agnes in Kernow. With tears in his eyes, Signor Burlesque-Only said, “I no wanna be a baldie! I’m a too younga for that!”
The state of hair loss proved so grave that it was too much of a challenge even for the top surgeons of Italy and then Relubbus, which was the final port of call for Signor Burlesque-Only in his desperate quest for a new thatch.
Professor Doktor Pfeifentabak comments, “Zis poor man has hat to vear a a vig to cover up his hair loss and zat is a vig, vich can be spotted at a distance of 5 kilometres. Despite zis, ze Signor maintains a level of heppy jollity, vich is truly marvellous, ven everyvun is laughing et him!”
Pfeifentabak’s third hot tip for the top is legendary, but enigmatic, unconventional and, some say, highly controversial Relubbus sculptress Nellie Launder (34). Nellie is shown here playing her favourite ‘ball-less golf’, which has the great advantages that it can be played indoors as well as outdoors and it also involves no walking.
Nellie’s works can be viewed throughout Cornwall and also abroad, where many of her ‘pieces’ have been acquired by those fortunate few with the right sort of money. However, she started from humble beginnings.
A graduate of Skudjick Secondary School many years ago, Nellie’s early career was spent in Toppers Hairdressing Salon in Godolphin Road in Long Rock, where 7 years of dedicated application led to her assuming the exalted position of ’junior’. It was her role to ask customers if they were doing anything interesting for the weekend and to enquire whether they wanted a cup of tea or coffee.
This involvement led to her sculptural experimentation with tea leaves and hair. Throwing out a heap of such stuff one day, she was accosted by a passing Tory toff millionaire, Old Etonian, David Cameron, who asked her what she would take for ‘her creation’.
Nellie, not being the cleverest or quickest, did not respond immediately, whereupon the fool Cameron kept on upping the price until he reached the mind-boggling (for Nellie!) sum of £700,000. Then she agreed the sale and, finally catching on, also agreed to deliver such ‘works’ to Cameron and his loaded pals on a daily basis. She has never looked back.
Says Pfeifentabak, “Zis young lady has unremarkable substances taken and she hes made zem completely remarkable. She is a great artist!!"
Pfeifentabak’s last tip is the Relubbus Renaissance man himself, Dougie Bosvargoe (35). Nature has displayed great partiality in loading one person with so many gifts.
Bosvargoe is known as a cross-dressing heart surgeon at the famed Prospidnick American Hospital; as a xylophonist of international reputation; as a master of lower Algonquian poetry and also as a Western National bus driver on the Penzance St Ives route.
Pfeifentabak comments, “Zat vun men should so many abilities hev, is not fair! My money must be on zis last top tip!!"
Results will be published in the Roundup next week.
CHRISTMAS SNOWS COME TO RELUBBUS!!
By our Rover Christmas Correspondent.... the dog with the cool glasses..... and the festive antlers....... whose paws caress the keyboard into sweet language... who, alone amongst our journalists, is completely house-trained.. this report comes from "Fetch" Penhaligon, the dog who always gets his story!!
Yes, you can tell it's Christmas again – that white stuff is back!
The roof of the Relubbus Met Office is covered in six inches of snow, while the picture shows the magical scene this morning at Relubbus Zoo, where Head Keeper Willy Rosewarne (39), recently cleared of all charges of ‘interfering with the animals’, is out with his favourite elephants.
Snowfalls bedeck the whole of Relubbus and the surrounding district. The ski runs at Mount Relubbus have, of course, been carpeted in thick, freshly topped-up snow ever since the end of September, enticing tens of thousands of winter sports enthusiasts to fabled Relubbus, where you can ski in the morning and then travel five miles on a Western National bus, arriving three hours later in the tropical magic of Prah Sands, which is currently basking in 30 degrees Centigrade of luscious sunshine.
In Boswedden Lane in the centre of Relubbus, carol singing took place in front of the statue dedicated to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo’s Enty Mabel – the famed poet.
Carol singing was led by Ms Doris Hitler – seen here giving her trademark salute – and the proceedings concluded with a noted poem by Mabel Spargo specially set to music by Professor Norris Boris Morris of the Relubbus Conservatoire.
The poem is, of course, the renowned favourite “Ee”
I aren’t gunna askee “Knawun do ee?”
Tha’s too easy and idden no fun.
I wain’t ask ‘ee “Seenunroundere avee?”
Cos wi they glasses you kint see nawun.
I aren’t gonna tell ‘ee oo I’m talking abowt
Cos tha’s easy at this time o year.
I bleeve I jes seen Faither Christmas
An ee’s coming ovver your way, my dear!
Another sure sign that the Christmas season is upon us came with the traditional annual Lesbian and Gay Plumbers’ Parade, which started off at Prospidnick Terrace, making its way through the notorious Pink Pydar gay quarter (what Castro is to San Francisco, Pink Pydar is to Relubbus) before emerging on to Cattle Market square, where they linked up – in a symbol of Christmas reconciliation – with both the Triangle and Tambourine Band of the Tregeseal Fundamentalist Methodist Church and the massed Harleys of the Long Rock Bearded Bikers Club.
Participation this year by the Pink Truncheons, a special unit of the Devon and Cornwall Police (DCP), was blocked by Commissioner Percy Penrose of the Relubbus Kreslu Kernewek because of their (DCP's) behaviour unbecoming gay police officers.
Shelley’s of St Just , the world famous hairdressing establishment, has opened an academy for ‘juniors’ in Relubbus, which has just taken on its first one hundred recruits.
We show, as our last picture, some of the girls at play building a snowman.
We leave you with this seasonal snap and wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas!!!!
SPARGO TO ADDRESS G-20
By our Financial Correspondent, Duane Polkinghorne
Billy Spargo, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), is to address an emergency meeting of the G-20 to be held in New York early next week.
The G-20 is a group of twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors from 19 of the world's largest economies, plus the EU. Collectively, the G-20 economies comprise 90% of global GNP and 80% of world trade.
However, one notable absentee from the group is Relubbus, whose resilient "Celtic tiger economy" has expanded massively in recent years and whose GNP now stands second only to that of the US.
Until now, Relubbus, under the canny leadership of Chairman Spargo, has resolutely refused to ally itself with any international trading blocs other than the Union of Kernow States. The latter, comprising, besides Relubbus itself, Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, has emerged, under the leadership of Relubbus, as the planet's leading energy supplier. Indeed, the GRUC Council Chamber alone produces huge quantities of natural gas, while the vast wind farm at Cripplesease generates sufficient electricity to power the UK national grid.
It is understood that Councillor Spargo, in agreeing to address the NY meeting, is responding to a desperate plea from the world's leaders. As the global financial crisis deepens, they regard the support of Relubbus as the only way to avert a total meltdown of the world economy.
Mr Spargo is expected to solve the international crisis by pledging to underwrite the national debts of the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, India, and China. He could do this by drawing on the vast reserves of the Relubbus Central Bank (shown above) -- rumoured to be in the region of £17 6s 8d!
AdvertisementTHE EAGERLY-ANTICIPATED RETURN OF
JASPER BODINNICK & HIS CARN BREA MOUNTAIN BOYS
TICKETS £100, £75, £50 (standing), from Relubbus Post Office and Warren's, Market Jew Street, Penzance.
SEX GODDESS SWITCHES ON RELUBBUS LIGHTS
Agnes Treglown (98), President of the Penzance branch of the Silver Thread, based at Penlowarth, and voted Sex Goddess of the Century in 1931 by the members of the Tregavarah cycling, ukelele and Gilbert and Sullivan Society, was selected this year to switch on the magnificent Relubbus Christmas Lights, which illuminate the whole 5 mile length of fashionable Boswedden Lane.
Amongst the VIP guests who flocked to Relubbus for the occasion were His Royal Highness Prince Hans-Adam II of Lichtenstein, together with his charming wife, Queen Tracey, formerly of 14 Colinsey Road in Penzance.
President-elect Barack Obama (pictured here on the left in heavy disguise for security purposes!) and family were official state guests of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman, Billy Spargo (87); the Aga Khan attended with his four wives, all called Doris; Italian wigwearer and politician Silvia Burlesque-only was there with his new love-interest, Mrs Osama (just call me ‘Goky’) Bin Laden; UK House of Commons Speaker, Michael Martin was also an enthusiastic participant in the festivities, losing no opportunity to tell people how he had ‘sorted’ Tory MP troublemakers.
Of course, the credit crunch around the world has had no impact on the Relubbus economy whatsoever. People seem to be spending wildly as never before.
The flagship RC Oates Superstore, shown here on the left together with some of the other 'lights of Relubbus', has apparently been 'raking it in'.
At the store (now officially named by the Guinness Book of Records as the largest store there has ever been and ever will be in the world) Mr Oates has splashed out (some talk in terms of amounts exceeding £15!!!) on extra special lighting to pull in the crowds.
In the lavish entertainment programme which followed the big ‘switch-on’, VIPs, celebrities and as many of the vast crowd that could, flooded into the cavernous majesty of the Grand Golden West Theatre, where they were treated to a spectacular rendition of old favourites from the world-famous Rosudgeon Showtime band, shown here on the left.
To the delight of Agnes Treglown and all her friends from the Silver Thread, the band played many old favourites including Itler, ‘ee only ‘ad one ball, which was, by request, played sixteen times.
Next on the bill came the Andrews Sisters (Barb, Brenda and Betty) from up ‘Eamoor. The glamorous girls - all of whom used to work in Simpsons of Penzance before fame came knocking on their door - had their hair done especially at world-renowned coiffurier Shelley's of Fore Street, St Just before appearing in the show.
To the delight of the huge crowd, they sang some of their greatest hits including I never knew Santa did that with a reindeer!, I won’t fart under the mistletoe!, and Bill Clinton gave me his cigar!
T
he ‘grand finale’ was provided by the award-winning St Just Waste Operatives Female-Impersonation and Dance Troupe. From left to right are shown Billy Kelynack (34), Archilaus Trembath (41), Dick (“an’ Dora”) Angove (33), Windy Treglown (54 and the star of the troupe, who claims to have stopped wearing trousers 30 years ago); Gwen Upsnoostaree (35), and, lastly, twin brothers Bob and Bert Botheras (36).
By day, they all man the dust carts of West Penwith, but come evening they transform themselves into the picture of female pulchritude you see in the attached snap. Accompanied only by Dougie Blewett on solo triangle and to rapturous applause from the audience, they performed a breathtaking tap routine, which entranced young and old alike.
As the capacity audience of 30,000 departed from the building at the end of the show, they all averred that the splendid show marked the end of a splendid day. But then, they had the treat of walking down a Boswedden Lane with Christmas illuminations which put all other shows to shame.
Meanwhile, Agnes and her friends were whisked away by the waiting Western National Bus (driven by Sidney Rosewarne (52) of St Erth) back to the warm comforting glow of the Lariggan Home for the Terminally Confused.
One occupant of that bus, Agnes herself, was thinking back to the days when the Chairman of that Tregavarah Club - Mr Madron Bolitho - pronounced her Sex Goddess of the Century.
Our correspondent, hitching a ride back to his pad in Adelaide Street, Penzance, was asked by Agnes whether he would publish a picture of Agnes "back in them days". He replied "'Course I'll do un for ee, my luvver", and here it is -- the young Agnes in earlier days!
BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH WITH OUR AMAZING GIFT RANGE
AT SECONDS AWAY OF ADELAIDE STREET PENZANCE
Customer car is parked outside our store (shown left) and things inside are busy, busy!!
Machine-knitted cardigan – white ribbed with ruffled edges – size 22 – only 11 years old – three arms. Would make lovely Christmas present for beloved with three arms! £45
Home-made Sou’Wester crafted 14 years ago by donor’s Granpa from simulated lino – needs new cords, but still keeps rain off. Only £1.29
Butane-powered toothbrush with stainless steel brushes – failed prototype, so only £3.75
For those special occasions! Set of Ceramic teeth – startling white for that Hollywood look. (Must be taken out before eating!!) Get that film star look for only £215
Light pea-green sock – size 11 – once one of a pair, so big reduction – only £1.09
Half of a trombone – original blue leather case intact – bargain at just £75
Shopping Trolley - runs well – Morrison’s sign removed. Could also, with enough cushions, be used as pram. £49
Folding Yellow and Purple camping table suitable for breakfast for one. Two legs missing, so only 31 pence!
Nest of three tables – bevelled glass tops with mahogany-effect surrounds – only slightly fire-damaged – £97
Wooden lavatory seat – splits can probably be planed out, making as new - £47.50
Gas-powered Grundig black and white television set, sometimes capable of receiving BBC1 and Channel 4. Full set of controls includes dials for volume and vertical and horizontal hold, allowing easy adjustability. Comes with previous owner’s home-designed extending arm for easy adjustment from your armchair!! £754
Kenwood Chef 1b foodmixer – hand-operated - delicate mechanism – suit woman or gay man, only £9
Ladies (size 18) full length coat in black rubber with bright orange ‘fur’ collar - £246
Madame Carla Sarkozy shown here on the left coming out of the store having made a purchase of Edna Angove's Lingerie.
Fallen tree – lots of good wood in it – not in shop - must be collected from site - at night – silently - £87
Genuine antique Parisian pissoir – originally copper green – now needs a good lick of paint, but in perfect working order - £595
Whole lorry load of Albanian Christmas sweets – with instructions – in 10 kilo tins – handling gloves supplied – only £1.50 a tin – Go on, spoil the kiddies!!
Only Licensed Outlet for Edna Angove’s made-to-measure hand-knitted lingerie for her and for him. Come in store to view options available and to make your appointment with the legendary wizard-knitter of Colinsey Road. Sample prices - Lady’s Brazier and Knickers £175; Gentleman’s pouch £165
Collection of 20 Sudoku books – vastly reduced as already filled in - £1.75 the lot!
Record Player plus 7 LP records of the unforgettable Hymie Slibowitz playing Calypso on the Jew’s Harp £235
Kiddies’ trike in Bob the Builder motif – works perfectly, but no chain £19
Pinky n’ Perky Pogo stick (yes, almost a collector’s item!!). Handle broken off, so only £150
Ukrainian ‘I speak your weight’ machine - in perfect working order - £39
Barbie Princess Dress – suitable for 5-6 year olds – expertly mended and now, after a wash, almost good as new so £12
Stainless steel sink with cold tap (needs new washer) – a mere snip at £5 in view of strange stains and odd smell that won’t go away.
This is just a sample of what we have for you in store at SECONDS AWAY!!
For the first five customers tomorrow, there will be a FREE one ounce bag of sawdust!!
