WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED CREDIT CRUNCH?

In Relubbus annual growth is expected to hit a record 21.9% in 2009, the 59th consecutive year of growth in our economy, which is the envy of the world. Mortgage rates in Relubbus are a comfortable 0.15% per annum, on 21 times salary. Savings rates have hit an all time high of 17.5% per annum for instant access accounts.

All of these miraculous achievements were made possible by the nomination by Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (97) of his childhood friend, Bernie Madoff-Withit (97 and pictured on the left) as Treasury Minister some 60 years ago. Treasury Ministers the world over constantly try to pump Madoff-Withit for the secret of his success. He remains - as ever - tight-lipped.

The English Chancellor (who curiously speaks with a Scottish accent), Alice Dear Darling, has been seen on bended knee pleading for some insightful guidance so that he can lead the English out of the mess his boss, Gordon the Brun (who also curiously speaks with a Scottish accent) has led them into. It is not only the English economy which is in a total mess – the Americans, sundry Europeans and the Asian tigers have all fallen prey to the illness which besets the English economy.

At this stage, one should note that the Welsh and the Scots (fellow Celts, O dear people of Relubbus!) enjoy an absence of irritants such as tuition fees and hospital parking charges. (Is this perchance Alice and Gordon’s secret gift to the Celtic world?).

However, Alice has discovered that the figures just do not add up. In a secret meeting, in heavy disguise, with Bernie at a Little Chef restaurant in Kent (where Bernie insisted the bill be paid by Alice!) Alice howled over his chips that he “didna' knaw how it’s all gonneh end! Everything we do seems to turn to shite! Can ye no help us owt, Bernie?”

Bernie appeared to keep his cool and confine his comments to appreciative, though not very informative, slurping and chomping of his eggburger-and-chips and coffee.

Once this meal had been consumed, Bernie thanked the English Chancellor for the “ansum bitta grub” and stated how much he looked forward to meeting Alice again at the next G20 meeting. Then, overlooking the fact that Alice lay crumpled in body and spirit, weeping helplessly at his feet, he eased his right leg to release a noisome parcel of noxious gas into the receptive English air, and strode off to the gleaming, purring Ministerial Ford Prefect car, waiting to whisk him off back to Relubbus.

Of course, those of us who have the good fortune to live in the sainted environs of world-famous Relubbus know nothing of this thing called Credit Crunch, but, to help the people of Relubbus appreciate the woes of others, we despatched intrepid Roundup roving reporter, Aggie “Pipey” Penlowarth across the border to England (Pow Saws in Kernewek).

There she sought out and interviewed representatives of certain key groups in order to get the measure of the crisis besetting the English economy.


She spoke first to Linda Titt, the 27 year old spokesperson for the English Collective of Prostitutes, who told her that “fings ain’t never bin so bad, like. Punters ain’t got no money no more, like, innit? Like we got reductions on all lines – sometimes as much as 50% - and no one is interested, innit? We tried advertising in Relubbus, innit, but them Methodist fundamentals was like mental man, innit, innit?"

As the ‘innit’ count grew ever higher, taking Linda’s utterances off into the lofty realms of incomprehensibility, Pipey moved off to interview another key indicator – none other that Bill “Crowbar” Hatchet, the 43-year-old representative of the English Union of Housebreakers and Forced Entry Operatives.

Bill stated that whilst Linda’s girls might be able to lay claim to the title of the oldest profession, his lads would not be too far behind with their claim to similarly ancient honours.

He pointed out that, whilst burglars have their standards, the credit crunch was forcing too many amateurs into the game, who were giving it a bad name. The Union had a number of ‘minimum performance standards’, governing such basic matters as the time taken to gain entry, the correct use of the crowbar, the minimum time to ‘immobilise’ the house-owner without ANY permanent injury to his/her health, adherence to RSPCA-approved treatment of guard dogs, the taking of appropriate breaks during work, etc. All of these high professional performance standards were being simply ignored by moonlighters into the world of professional crime.

A similar doom-laden message was given by Tina Chav, the 23-year-old Public Relations Officer for the Basildon-based Retail Pilferers’ Association. Said Tina “Ya knaw waddimean, innit? We’re like a professional body, like for people wot takes fings wivout payin’, innit? Our members is like everywhere, innit – in Whittards, Woolworths, Adams and everyfink like that, innit? Closin them stores is like takin’ our income away, innit – plus you got all dem amateurs wot is like competin wiv us like, innit”.

Pipey, getting the message and tiring once more of the rising ‘innit’ count, decided to leave the sorry sad world of Alice’s wonderland and return to the reassuring sanity of Relubbus.

RELUBBUS POLICE FOIL DASTARDLY ATTEMPT ON LEADER'S LIFE!

Kommandant Kolin Klemo (62) of the Kreslu Kernewek Kemmyn, pictured here in typically grim-faced pose, has once more saved the day by uncovering and foiling a devilish plot by the Bonnetti gang to assassinate the leader, Billy Spargo, 94, of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Kommandant Klemo is an enigmatic character. After frequent early brushes with the law as a youngster, no misdemeanor was ever proven. Despite his having once been apprehended half way up a drainpipe outside the girls’ shower room at West Cornwall School for Girls at 9.00 pm one Friday evening, his explanation that he was ‘looking for bats’ was accepted by the presiding magistrate, Aristotle Klemo.

He later applied to join the elite Cornish-speaking unit of the Relubbus police, Kreslu Kernewek Kemmyn, and, in a period of just twenty years, shot to the top of this six man hand-picked squad in the Relubbus police. His exposure of the Bonnetti plot to kill is yet another in a long line of achievements.

The Bonnetti gang turn out to be a group of three cut-throat desperadoes, whose base is a lock-up garage on the Long Rock Industrial Estate. All three are Cornish born and bred but are not related. They have acquired the name ‘Bonnetti’ simply because of their taste in headgear. Their names can be revealed as:

Marcus Pengwidden (23), is a qualified window fitter, who somehow simply fell ‘by the wayside’. Formerly a regular attender at Mount St Methodist Church in Penzance and an enthusiastic member of the Chyandour handbell ringing club, Marcus began his descent into the netherworld of the West Cornish criminal fraternity by picking up cigarette butts on the Prom. This later led to pilfering cigarette packs from the RC Oates Superstore.

This, together with his habit of wearing a ‘man’s bonnet’, brought him to the attention of the second member of the gang:

Tristan ‘Broccoli’ Tregear (32) has worn a bonnet ever since he was a baby. He regards the wearing of a hood as ‘uncool’ and believes that Cornish criminals should develop their own unique sense of identity and dress code.

The fetching red bonnet he wears in this picture was lovingly made for him by his mother, Brenda, a one-legged school dinner lady at Humphry Davy School.

Tristan’s disruptive school career passed seamlessly into a steady stream of aimless small-time petty crime (including nicking broccoli for sale to his relatives) until he came to the attention of the ring-leader of the gang:


Madron ‘Bare Hands’ Trembath (49) of Colinsey Road, Penzance is a reprobate with a long history of criminal acts and a predilection for wearing a black ‘man’s bonnet’.

After a brief and unsuccessful apprenticeship as a ‘junior’ at Sally’s Hairdressing in Parade Street, Penzance, where he lost his job for stealing hair colourants, he coasted into a lifestyle of casual crime, which led to hardcore burglary, GBH and Robbery with Violence.

He took to wearing a bonnet – originally in pink – in his days with Sally, as she felt it would help him ‘blend in’ more easily in the overwhelmingly female world of ladies’ hairdressing. Having got used to the comfort of a bonnet, he decided to continue to wear a manly black colour when he left Sally’s.

Like finds like and it was inevitable that the three bonnet-wearing criminals should, sooner or later, come across one another and work together. Thus it was that, just three years ago, the Bonnetti gang was formed over a cup of coffee in the Wimpy Bar Penzance.

The revered, but somewhat eccentric, GRUC leader Billy Spargo (92) is known to travel from his official residence to the Council chamber each day – naked in all weathers - upon his beloved motorised push bike, which he leaves parked outside his house all night.

Klemo’s men caught the Bonnetti gang staking out Spargo’s home and pounced when they saw chief desperado Trembath tinkering with the brakes. Threatened by the six burly coppers of the Kreslu Kernewek, Trembath and the others gave themselves up without a fight and just the words “Issa fair cop!”

The next day, despite a bracing wind and a cutting sleety rain, Councillor Spargo emerged wearing nothing but his helmet, mounted his bike without a word, and, statesman that he is, proceeded to work as if nothing had happened.

ADVERTISEMENTS

LET ME MAKE MONEY FOR YOU!!
Says Relubbus Hedge Fund Manager, Bernie “The Bung” Ripoff

Bernie Ripoff came to Relubbus as a poor economic migrant from Chelsea, a rougher part of London, many years ago. Since then this dazzling magician of the money markets has conjured up a vast fortune for himself (he drives a Ford Anglia with a special 2 litre engine!).

Now he is offering all of you a chance to share in his financial fortunes by buying into his new fund, “Thrift and Theft’. Speaking exclusively to the Roundup from his luxury apartments at the Long Rock Station Railway Coach park, Ripoff said, “Making money in the markets is like taking candy from a baby. It’s like a little theft. So I couldn’t resist using the name in my new fund!”

Ripoff is inviting contributions from as little as 50 pence up to as much as £500,000,000 per person (the maximum since “the punters mustn’t be greedy”, he says). All monies received are invested in his Thrift and Theft Fund, which is guaranteed to bring a return of 500% (after 150 years) to all contributors and their heirs.

Investors are asked to bring cash only and to form an orderly and quiet queue outside Mr Ripoff’s Railway Carriage (the one with windows) on Monday morning at the crack of dawn at around 11.30 am.

SAMPLE THE RED INDIAN LIFE AT ZENNOR!

Chief Dougie “Running Deer” Blewett invites the good folk of West Penwith to sample the true Indian lifestyle at his reservation on Tregeagle farm, Zennor.

Says the Big Chief himself, “We duh offer the real life Indian experience ‘ere an’ you doan ‘ave tuh gw'ovver to Amerikee tuh git ‘a’ bit taste ovun!”

Mr Blewett, a Methodist lay preacher and farmer at Zennor for many years, got a book out of Penzance Library on ‘Red Injun’ life and has opened up the reservation in his back field to help supplement the farm income.

“People what duh com ‘ere get tuh live in one o they teepees fer a night er two and t’ eat a bitta fox. We don’t give they non o’ that firewater stuff, as this ‘ere is a good Methodist ‘ouse’old."

Amusements include a bow and two arrows, chicken feathers galore for headdresses and a little wood for a fire on cold nights. Everything else must be supplied by the guests themselves, who can “make a reservation at the reservation” for just £175 per person per night. Just ‘phone Zennor 495.

WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW JOB IN COMPUTING??

Tremethick Cross Computation offers you a chance to enter the high-tech world of computing and find a job which pays well (£1.71 an hour or an amazing £143.64 per week for a normal 12 hour day seven day week, producing lifetime earnings of approaching £450,000 for the full 60 years!) and sets you up to share in the magical mysteries of the computer age.

Computing is a 24 hour phenomenon and staff are required to work 12 hour shifts. As shown in the picture, there is a men’s section and a women’s section. However, following modern conventions, the one toilet is Unisex (ladies are accordingly asked to lift the lid back up after use!!).

Eat a hearty meal before you come! There is no canteen, since the 3 minute mid-shift break does not really allow much time for eating. That won’t bother you though, since you will be in the queue for the toilet, the automated doors of which close after the 3 minute break.

The generous holiday package includes 1 free Saturday in 7 and offers a further 4 FREE days each year for you to use as you wish (this rises to 5 days after 45 years)

There is a also a compulsory contributory pension scheme, which is managed for Tremethick Cross Computation by Bernie Ripoff. Each employee is required to contribute £100 per week to the scheme, which will result in their receiving (only after completion of 60 years’ contributions) a generous annual pension of £94 payable for as long as you live.

Apply in writing to Mr RJ Polkinghorne, Taskmaster, Tremethick Cross Computations.
Note: For religious reasons, applications from persons with a legal background will not be enetertained!!

YOUNG PEOPLE OF RELUBBUS - GET YOUR MONO HERE!

Picture it now – you are motoring down fashionable Boswedden Lane – the car is at full throttle, whilst you achieve an effortless 13 and a half miles per hour – your passenger slips a gramophone record on to the player and your favourite music is blaring out at 7 decibels, attracting attention from all passers-by, who simply stare – jaw-dropped – as you pass by.

Forget Stereo, your car is equipped with MONO – a single ear trumpet (fitted to the running board) that bellows out sound so that you can hear it even at speeds in excess of 10 miles per hour !!

The passing public will hear it too and think that you are a top hole - not to say spiffing - sort of chap!!

MONO can be fitted to your car by Tonkins of Paul (and Sheffield) for a mere £14,500.

SPARGO WARNS PUTIN

Our international affairs correspondent, Rendell Janner, reports on a worrying return to the darkest days of the Cold War

In what could be the start of a major international incident, the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Councillor Billy Spargo (84), has warned Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin (33, left) to "keep 'is snout out" of Relubbus's affairs.

Councillor Spargo (93) is said to be "incandescent" about Russia's latest support for Relubbus's arch-enemy, the People's Republic of Hayle.

The "People's Republic" has long been a client state of Russia, from which it obtains most of its industrial machinery, consumer goods (such as there are), cars, tractors, and military hardware. In return, it supplies the Russians with bananas and sugar cane. The political and economic ethos of the drab one-party state is fundamentally opposed to that of the thriving free-market economy of Relubbus.

Prime Minister Putin was spotted on a recent fishing trip to the People's Republic, where he is shown (left) fishing in Copperhouse Pool.

The border dispute between Relubbus and the People's Republic has been simmering for decades. However, in recent years the antagonists have mostly been content to glare at each other from their respective watchtowers on either side of the border, across acres of minefields.

That could be about to change, if reports that Russia has supplied the Haylors with medium-range rockets are true. These rockets are capable of targeting central Relubbus. Although the formidable Relubbus military machine obviously possesses far more powerful missiles of its own, Spargo clearly fears that their new weapons could tempt the Haylors, who have never possessed such armaments before, into making a rash pre-emptive strike.

Putin is shown, left, with one of the rockets that he has allegedly supplied to the People's Republic.

In a bellicose statement, Councillor Spargo (23) threatened that, unless the Russians withdrew the rockets, he would send a naval taskforce headed by the battleship Pride of Relubbus (formerly HMS Warspite) to blockade the Russian navy in the Black Sea.

He also threatened to turn off Russia's major source of energy, the pipeline from the giant Cripplesease wind farm.

We will keep you informed as the crisis develops.

PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR 2008

By our celebrity and psychiatric correspondent, Professor Doktor Heinrich Pfeifentabak

The Professor Doktor is renowned as a therapist (NOT, he insists, as "the rapist”), who provides much needed help to the fragile egos of the rich and famous, who can afford his, frankly exorbitant, fees.

It is therefore no surprise that his clientele is drawn from such hotbeds of affluent celebrity as the Pacific Palisades, Hollywood and Bel Air in Los Angeles, as well as from the even more upmarket Boswedden Lane in Relubbus, Pengersick Lane in Germoe, and the sumptuous beachside villas of Praa Sands.

In this article, he draws on his intimate acquaintance with the world of celebrity to give his ‘top tips’ on the contenders for this year’s “Personality of the Year” Award, which is presented by the committee of the Relubbus Lesbian Underwater Knitters’ and Wrestlers’ Association.

Insiders will not be surprised at the Professor’s first choice, which is that of the ‘Marazion Bookends’, a gay Marazion couple, who have made enormous strides – and sacrifices – to further the physical practice of gay love, which they have made available to the general public in their Christmas book from Long Rock Publications entitled “What’s your bent? The Third Sex – in our own words”.

The pair, Leonard Cock (51) on the left and Dick Head (48) on the right, are both butchers, who met whilst attending a seven month “Know your meat” course at the St Buryan Higher Institute Fer Meat Slicing and Sausage-making four years ago. Says Leonard, “It was love at first sight. As soon as I’d seen ov un, I knew ‘ee was the one!”.

Dick was even more direct in his words, which, for legal reasons, cannot be reproduced here.

Professor Pfeifentabak says, “Zeir exact mapping of ze precise topography of same-sex matings defies belief. If you put zis togezzer viz ze astounding quality of zeir pork sausages, you must be on a vinner!”

There is little doubt in the correctness of Pfeifentabak’s selection for bravest politician of the year. Sylvia Burlesque-Only’s tragic hair loss is a story with which men the world over can sympathise and empathise.

This shy and retiring miniscule Italian (now still only 41 according to his press profile, but who began losing his hair 39 years ago!) was obliged to meet world leaders wearing a handkerchief on his head to hide the stridently obvious emergency repairs to his rapidly disappearing thatch. He was only able to bear this enormous humiliation by taking absurdly strong ‘happy’ drugs, topped up with regular swigs from Bolster’s Blood from Driftwoods Spars’ Brewery from St Agnes in Kernow. With tears in his eyes, Signor Burlesque-Only said, “I no wanna be a baldie! I’m a too younga for that!”

The state of hair loss proved so grave that it was too much of a challenge even for the top surgeons of Italy and then Relubbus, which was the final port of call for Signor Burlesque-Only in his desperate quest for a new thatch.

Professor Doktor Pfeifentabak comments, “Zis poor man has hat to vear a a vig to cover up his hair loss and zat is a vig, vich can be spotted at a distance of 5 kilometres. Despite zis, ze Signor maintains a level of heppy jollity, vich is truly marvellous, ven everyvun is laughing et him!”

Pfeifentabak’s third hot tip for the top is legendary, but enigmatic, unconventional and, some say, highly controversial Relubbus sculptress Nellie Launder (34). Nellie is shown here playing her favourite ‘ball-less golf’, which has the great advantages that it can be played indoors as well as outdoors and it also involves no walking.

Nellie’s works can be viewed throughout Cornwall and also abroad, where many of her ‘pieces’ have been acquired by those fortunate few with the right sort of money. However, she started from humble beginnings.

A graduate of Skudjick Secondary School many years ago, Nellie’s early career was spent in Toppers Hairdressing Salon in Godolphin Road in Long Rock, where 7 years of dedicated application led to her assuming the exalted position of ’junior’. It was her role to ask customers if they were doing anything interesting for the weekend and to enquire whether they wanted a cup of tea or coffee.

This involvement led to her sculptural experimentation with tea leaves and hair. Throwing out a heap of such stuff one day, she was accosted by a passing Tory toff millionaire, Old Etonian, David Cameron, who asked her what she would take for ‘her creation’.

Nellie, not being the cleverest or quickest, did not respond immediately, whereupon the fool Cameron kept on upping the price until he reached the mind-boggling (for Nellie!) sum of £700,000. Then she agreed the sale and, finally catching on, also agreed to deliver such ‘works’ to Cameron and his loaded pals on a daily basis. She has never looked back.

Says Pfeifentabak, “Zis young lady has unremarkable substances taken and she hes made zem completely remarkable. She is a great artist!!"

Pfeifentabak’s last tip is the Relubbus Renaissance man himself, Dougie Bosvargoe (35). Nature has displayed great partiality in loading one person with so many gifts.

Bosvargoe is known as a cross-dressing heart surgeon at the famed Prospidnick American Hospital; as a xylophonist of international reputation; as a master of lower Algonquian poetry and also as a Western National bus driver on the Penzance St Ives route.

Pfeifentabak comments, “Zat vun men should so many abilities hev, is not fair! My money must be on zis last top tip!!"

Results will be published in the Roundup next week.

CHRISTMAS SNOWS COME TO RELUBBUS!!

By our Rover Christmas Correspondent.... the dog with the cool glasses..... and the festive antlers....... whose paws caress the keyboard into sweet language... who, alone amongst our journalists, is completely house-trained.. this report comes from "Fetch" Penhaligon, the dog who always gets his story!!

Yes, you can tell it's Christmas again – that white stuff is back!

The roof of the Relubbus Met Office is covered in six inches of snow, while the picture shows the magical scene this morning at Relubbus Zoo, where Head Keeper Willy Rosewarne (39), recently cleared of all charges of ‘interfering with the animals’, is out with his favourite elephants.


Snowfalls bedeck the whole of Relubbus and the surrounding district. The ski runs at Mount Relubbus have, of course, been carpeted in thick, freshly topped-up snow ever since the end of September, enticing tens of thousands of winter sports enthusiasts to fabled Relubbus, where you can ski in the morning and then travel five miles on a Western National bus, arriving three hours later in the tropical magic of Prah Sands, which is currently basking in 30 degrees Centigrade of luscious sunshine.

In Boswedden Lane in the centre of Relubbus, carol singing took place in front of the statue dedicated to Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo’s Enty Mabel – the famed poet.

Carol singing was led by Ms Doris Hitler – seen here giving her trademark salute – and the proceedings concluded with a noted poem by Mabel Spargo specially set to music by Professor Norris Boris Morris of the Relubbus Conservatoire.

The poem is, of course, the renowned favourite “Ee”

I aren’t gunna askee “Knawun do ee?”
Tha’s too easy and idden no fun.

I wain’t ask ‘ee “Seenunroundere avee?”
Cos wi they glasses you kint see nawun.

I aren’t gonna tell ‘ee oo I’m talking abowt
Cos tha’s easy at this time o year.

I bleeve I jes seen Faither Christmas
An ee’s coming ovver your way, my dear!

Another sure sign that the Christmas season is upon us came with the traditional annual Lesbian and Gay Plumbers’ Parade, which started off at Prospidnick Terrace, making its way through the notorious Pink Pydar gay quarter (what Castro is to San Francisco, Pink Pydar is to Relubbus) before emerging on to Cattle Market square, where they linked up – in a symbol of Christmas reconciliation – with both the Triangle and Tambourine Band of the Tregeseal Fundamentalist Methodist Church and the massed Harleys of the Long Rock Bearded Bikers Club.

Participation this year by the Pink Truncheons, a special unit of the Devon and Cornwall Police (DCP), was blocked by Commissioner Percy Penrose of the Relubbus Kreslu Kernewek because of their (DCP's) behaviour unbecoming gay police officers.

Shelley’s of St Just , the world famous hairdressing establishment, has opened an academy for ‘juniors’ in Relubbus, which has just taken on its first one hundred recruits.

We show, as our last picture, some of the girls at play building a snowman.

We leave you with this seasonal snap and wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas!!!!