LONELY HEARTS OF WEST PENWITH

The Roundup justly prides itself for bringing about, through these introduction pages, some 54% of all the weddings in West Penwith. Despite this mighty achievement, there remain folk who still yearn for that perfect partner and we feature some of them in this issue and, in so doing, visit some of the more exclusive places in this part of the world.

Boskednan is a fine fair place for a young lady to grow up in. For the past 24 years, it has nurtured one of the most delicate and rare feminine flowers in West Penwith – Graeme (29). Graeme is the daughter of local farmer Anthill Polkinghorne (72) and his wife, Polly (64).

Graeme was educated at West Cornwall School for Gentlewomen and attended Nancealverne University, where she read books and cross stitch.

Graeme plays ukelele and has two goldfish of which she is very fond. She is deeply interested in ancient Egypt and has invented a family boardgame “Name that Glyph’, which requires 42 players and has the added spice of possible execution for losing adults (children lose just a finger or tooth).

She describes herself as ‘just a home girl really’. She is looking for a ‘real man’ to love her, but coyly points out that he need only have one ball, as she has two of her own. Boskednan 205.

Grumbla is a relatively quiet place of just some 45,000 souls. However, it is also the unlikely home of Janet, a unique experiment in procreation entered into by former Vice President of the USA, Dick Cheney.

Agnes Jago agreed some 25 years ago to accept, for an undisclosed fee, the offspring of Mr Cheney and his ‘ginger monkey’ (we believe an orang utang) and to bring said offspring up as her own.

Cheney did not want news of his dalliance with ‘Borneo monkeys’ to damage the progress of his political journey. Ms Jago has lovingly brought up young Janet as her own.

Now 18 years old, Janet would like to experience love and life outside the one up one down home she has called her own since birth. She is a gifted xylophonist and is very sparing indeed in the use of toilet paper – she would like to meet someone with similar values. Grumbla 396

Bojewyan is the home of 19 year old dream girl, Shazzer Treneere, who works as a life guard on Sennen beach during the summer and works as a lap dancer during the winter.

Shazzer says that her busy life has so far not allowed the magical window of romance to open for her, but she dreams of having her own “li’l ‘ome up ‘Eamoor and a ‘usbant, what duh come ‘ome punctual every evenin’, not like they pissed bastards, what duh come into the club.”

Shazzer has a GCSE pass in biology and would ideally like to become a doctor. She is an avid collector of dandelions, which she dries and preserves in books. She so far has a collection of over 450 such books. Bojewyan 402

Brane is where you will find local entrepreneur, Nigel (Nige) Nance (39). Nige is very honest about the unorthodox way in which he earns his living – he is a house-breaker.

However, he proudly claims that he has never been a burden on the state. He has never claimed benefits of any kind, he has never been ill and – most importantly – he has never been caught.

Nige likes to relax over a few beers with his mates, with whom he often engages in farting competitions (see picture) – for money . In his own little circle, he is regarded as something of a success. What would make his life complete is a good little woman who would be waiting for him when he comes home in the morning after a hard and careful night’s work. Brane 551

Formerly of Queens, New York, but now in Kerris you will find jazz affionado Clarence Ferris-Perris (31). Clarence is a passionate and gifted gazoo and triangle player and, for the past seven years, he has been building his own giant trombone from beach driftwood.

Attracted to Kernow by the fact that his favourite psychoanalyst came to live here, Clarence makes a living by servicing and repairing gramophone players and by 'tuning' triangles.

As far as sports go, he is a devotee of ‘extreme ironing’ and takes in his neigbours’ washing in order to pursue his sport. Clarence would like to meet a lady prepared to share all his interests, including ‘Angela’, a doll for which he paid a lot of money some years back. Kerris 566

Trethewey is the home of Sister Loveday (27) of the Experimental Abbey for Boys and Girls of the Fundamentalist Methodist Persuasion. Loveday’s name was put down at the Abbey by her ultra-devout parents some three years before her birth.

A talented break-dancer, who achieved Kernow-wide acclaim for her inspired and spirited (and X rated) dance interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ hit “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction”, she has been given special dispensation to find a young man with whom to have some kiddies, before returning to nunning full time. Trethewey 901




Boleigh is where Willy Botheras (24) can usually be found. However, he has chosen to send in a snap of himself on his dream holiday in Trivandrum in India, where, after gaining a pretty impressive tan, he has just been mowing the lawn, wearing nothing but his underpants, because of the unbearable heat.

At home, Willy is a SWEB meter reader and, in his spare time, plays left right out for crack West Penwith football team, Richmond Rangers.

Willy would like to meet a man or woman, who would like to meet him to while away evenings on jigsaw puzzles. Boleigh 392

Castallack is home to romantic gas fitter Tommy Penrose (34). He lives alone in a cosy caravan equipped with one double-glazed window and an unusual home-made stabledoor arrangement.

Tommy has no teeth and this seems to have reduced his chances with the ladies. Accordingly, he would like meet a young woman aged between 16 and 106, who also has no teeth and therefore won’t mind his lack of mouth gear.

Tommy eats only tomato soup for every meal and he hopes that his new lady will help him explore other soups. Castallack 723

NEWS IN BRIEF

Nancy Kelynack (32, and the 2004 runner-up in the Miss Nude Knitter of Zennor contest), who runs her own beauty parlour and solarium at Botallack, is being sued by a number of former clients, who claim damages following the use of Nancy’s home-made solarium. Nancy (pictured) is outraged about these claims, which she says could put her out of business.

She therefore used the propane gas powered device herself for the first time yesterday and says “I kent see what they are on about. I d’ ‘ave a proper ‘ealthy glow now an’ I never liked all that long ‘air anyway. I aren’t givin’ up and I’m goina fight this all the way!”

Carnyorth sees the return of the Kernewek Kemmyn Kaped Krusaders! The dynamic duo have re-appeared in town after locals refused to rename their town “Kkarnyorth” in line with Kemmyn spelling. No one knows who these two really are but their slightly menacing presence has been felt all over Carnyorth.

Only yesterday evening they staged a demonstration outside the prestigious Carnyorth Conservatoire, where Mexican cellist Carlos Prieto was performing Shostakovich’ Sonata in D Minor for Cello, demanding in high falsetto voices that the posters be changed to read “Karlos plays Kello rekital at Kkarnyorth Kkonservatoire”.

The Relubbus Ministry of Justice has been rocked by scandal following the production of incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Relubbus Deputy Acting Justice Minister, Mr Justice Denzil Tregonning (52), has been ‘carrying on’ with a large rabbit.

The two were snapped yesterday in their love nest at the two star Tremethick Cross Warm Goat Hotel by the Roundup’s star photographer April Showers.

Says Showers, “The rabbit, who answered to the name of Rodney, was removing Mr Justice Tregonning’s trousers when they were disturbed by the flash of my camera.” Mr Justice Tregonning’s response, on being asked for a comment, is unfortunately unprintable.

Embarassment is hanging heavy over the staff of the Relubbus International Conference Centre. Having been booked for a whole week by a group calling itself the “International Legion of Superheroes”, staff attention was drawn to an important fact only when the group assembled on the front steps for their final photo at the end of the week.

A young passerby, Tommy Whitehorne (8), observed to his mother “Ere Ma, that man’s willy is ‘angin’ out!”.

The leader of the Dutch group, Henk Knobejakkers (37), stated “Ja, ve are not hiding anyting – ve are de nude Legion of Superheroes – no clothes, just bodypaint.”

Yes, Monty is back - playing for three nights at the Prospidnick Secure Home for Old Flashers. Monty Behenna is famed for his flowing piano playing, which he renders in the style of the late great Russ Conway. Monty (61), who is proud to have all his own teeth, is a local man, having been born and bred in fast-living Rosudgeon.

His piano recitals are always packed out – frequently by men wearing macs. Monty attributes this to the masculine style of play he adopts on the piano.

Music critics attribute his popularity with male audiences to the fact that he is always accompanied by one or more of his ‘nieces’, who, unencumbered by any clothing, interpret his music for him. Tickets are £5 for standing and £15 for a seat.

Relubbus Scientist Ardbit Boscathnoe (65) has invented a device which beats colour-blindness!! Having spent two decades beavering away in his laboratory, wrestling with the symptoms of protanopiac dichromatism – or the inability to see the colour red – Professor Boscathnoe has come up with a device which enables sufferers to see red in 31% of cases.

This breakthrough is causing surges of interest throughout the world-wide dichromatic community. The device is a little heavy and the wearer does need to be supported – and guided. But when they go on sale – even at the price of £29,999 – they are expected to ‘sell like hotcakes’.

KERNOW ISSUES UDI

By our award-winning political correspondent, Rendell Janner

The Union of Kernow States, led by the economic and military powerhouse of Greater Relubbus, has issued a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) from England, declaring Kernow -- like Scotland and Wales -- to be a separate nation within the United Kingdom.

The picture shows the gigantic statues of the ancient kings of Cornwall that have been erected at the entrance to the Tamar road bridge. These colossal figures -- hewn from Prospidnick granite -- are, according to Councillor Billy Spargo, Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), intended to emphasise that the Tamar is an international border and that England stops at its banks.

Councillor Spargo has stated that the official language of the newly-independent state will be Kernewek Kemmyn. In an ironic reversal of what happened in the sixteenth century, English will be banned from public life. The English Book of Common Prayer will be outlawed and church services will be conducted throughout in Kernewek (although Latin will also be permitted).

In future, all legal documents must be written in Kemmyn. Henceforth, any contracts written in English will be considered void.

Likewise, all public business, including council meetings and court hearings, will be conducted in Kernewek, although in criminal trials simultaneous English translations will be made available to Sowsnek malefactors, so that they are able to understand the dread sentences meted out to them.

In a concession to emmet tourists, road signs will be dual-language (though the English version will follow the Cornish and be in rather small letters).

What do YOU think of these incredible developments? Add a comment to this article to let us know your views!
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PRESIDENTIAL POWER CHANGE!!

All eyes are set upon the Prospidnick Institute of Decorative Patisserie at which, on 20th January 2009, there is a handover of power from the outgoing President, Mr Daftasa Brush to the sparkling new President, Mr By-Rock Hussein O’Barmer.

Located as it is on the grounds of the prestigious Prospidnick American Hospital, the Institute is patronised almost exclusively by Americans. The post of President is therefore keenly fought over by Americans and the Presidential contest is closely watched by Americans around the world.

American television networks are therefore expected to flood into Prospidnick to cover the inauguration of the new President and to broadcast his inaugural address, in which he will outline his vision for the future and his primary goals for the four year term of his office.

The outgoing President did not exactly cover himself with glory during his period of office. He seemed to struggle with the simple things like opening the right doors, holding a book the right way up and walking in a straight line WITHOUT looking like a monkey. He also had great difficulties in controlling his facial muscles and even found speaking a challenge beyond his capabilities on many occasions, when he would seem to invent words, which he then uttered with all the desperation of a pet puppy trying to please.

The Americans are now pleased to be able to rid themselves of this “embarrassment on legs” and turn with fresh hope towards the promise offered by the new President, pictured here at his Prospidnick hideaway with his family. In a nation historically challenged by racial division, he embodies ready-made solutions in his very own persona, as reflected even in his name.

The first element “By-Rock” reflects Methodist fundamental roots, whereas the “Hussein” element plays well with the Muslim community. The last name, “O’Barmer”, is a complex one, which appeals both to the significant Irish community as well as to many in Europe, since Barmer is the name of a German health insurance vehicle. All in all, he seems to present the perfect package.

The guest of honour at the inauguration will, of course, be none other than the Chairman of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Billy Spargo (97) himself (pictured here 30 years ago on holiday in Porthcurno).

Mr Spargo is estranged from his wife and it is believed that he will be accompanied by his new ‘love interest’ Dita von Teese (24), whose months of throwing herself at the great man have eventually paid off.

(The couple met at an anagram weekend in a sauna in Sancreed, where Miss Teese (shown here on the left) revealed that her name was an anagram of ‘Neatest Video’ and that his was an anagram of ‘Pay Big Rolls’. He corrected her by telling her that his name was an anagram of ‘Slob Girl Pay’).

Spargo’s presence means that the event will also be broadcast on Relubbus National Television, RNT or ‘Our Enty’, thereby guaranteeing a global audience of 1,900 million. We are sure that the people of Relubbus will join their great leader, Chairman Billy Spargo, in extending the hands of friendship to the new President and in wishing him every success and happiness.

WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED CREDIT CRUNCH?

In Relubbus annual growth is expected to hit a record 21.9% in 2009, the 59th consecutive year of growth in our economy, which is the envy of the world. Mortgage rates in Relubbus are a comfortable 0.15% per annum, on 21 times salary. Savings rates have hit an all time high of 17.5% per annum for instant access accounts.

All of these miraculous achievements were made possible by the nomination by Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (97) of his childhood friend, Bernie Madoff-Withit (97 and pictured on the left) as Treasury Minister some 60 years ago. Treasury Ministers the world over constantly try to pump Madoff-Withit for the secret of his success. He remains - as ever - tight-lipped.

The English Chancellor (who curiously speaks with a Scottish accent), Alice Dear Darling, has been seen on bended knee pleading for some insightful guidance so that he can lead the English out of the mess his boss, Gordon the Brun (who also curiously speaks with a Scottish accent) has led them into. It is not only the English economy which is in a total mess – the Americans, sundry Europeans and the Asian tigers have all fallen prey to the illness which besets the English economy.

At this stage, one should note that the Welsh and the Scots (fellow Celts, O dear people of Relubbus!) enjoy an absence of irritants such as tuition fees and hospital parking charges. (Is this perchance Alice and Gordon’s secret gift to the Celtic world?).

However, Alice has discovered that the figures just do not add up. In a secret meeting, in heavy disguise, with Bernie at a Little Chef restaurant in Kent (where Bernie insisted the bill be paid by Alice!) Alice howled over his chips that he “didna' knaw how it’s all gonneh end! Everything we do seems to turn to shite! Can ye no help us owt, Bernie?”

Bernie appeared to keep his cool and confine his comments to appreciative, though not very informative, slurping and chomping of his eggburger-and-chips and coffee.

Once this meal had been consumed, Bernie thanked the English Chancellor for the “ansum bitta grub” and stated how much he looked forward to meeting Alice again at the next G20 meeting. Then, overlooking the fact that Alice lay crumpled in body and spirit, weeping helplessly at his feet, he eased his right leg to release a noisome parcel of noxious gas into the receptive English air, and strode off to the gleaming, purring Ministerial Ford Prefect car, waiting to whisk him off back to Relubbus.

Of course, those of us who have the good fortune to live in the sainted environs of world-famous Relubbus know nothing of this thing called Credit Crunch, but, to help the people of Relubbus appreciate the woes of others, we despatched intrepid Roundup roving reporter, Aggie “Pipey” Penlowarth across the border to England (Pow Saws in Kernewek).

There she sought out and interviewed representatives of certain key groups in order to get the measure of the crisis besetting the English economy.


She spoke first to Linda Titt, the 27 year old spokesperson for the English Collective of Prostitutes, who told her that “fings ain’t never bin so bad, like. Punters ain’t got no money no more, like, innit? Like we got reductions on all lines – sometimes as much as 50% - and no one is interested, innit? We tried advertising in Relubbus, innit, but them Methodist fundamentals was like mental man, innit, innit?"

As the ‘innit’ count grew ever higher, taking Linda’s utterances off into the lofty realms of incomprehensibility, Pipey moved off to interview another key indicator – none other that Bill “Crowbar” Hatchet, the 43-year-old representative of the English Union of Housebreakers and Forced Entry Operatives.

Bill stated that whilst Linda’s girls might be able to lay claim to the title of the oldest profession, his lads would not be too far behind with their claim to similarly ancient honours.

He pointed out that, whilst burglars have their standards, the credit crunch was forcing too many amateurs into the game, who were giving it a bad name. The Union had a number of ‘minimum performance standards’, governing such basic matters as the time taken to gain entry, the correct use of the crowbar, the minimum time to ‘immobilise’ the house-owner without ANY permanent injury to his/her health, adherence to RSPCA-approved treatment of guard dogs, the taking of appropriate breaks during work, etc. All of these high professional performance standards were being simply ignored by moonlighters into the world of professional crime.

A similar doom-laden message was given by Tina Chav, the 23-year-old Public Relations Officer for the Basildon-based Retail Pilferers’ Association. Said Tina “Ya knaw waddimean, innit? We’re like a professional body, like for people wot takes fings wivout payin’, innit? Our members is like everywhere, innit – in Whittards, Woolworths, Adams and everyfink like that, innit? Closin them stores is like takin’ our income away, innit – plus you got all dem amateurs wot is like competin wiv us like, innit”.

Pipey, getting the message and tiring once more of the rising ‘innit’ count, decided to leave the sorry sad world of Alice’s wonderland and return to the reassuring sanity of Relubbus.

RELUBBUS POLICE FOIL DASTARDLY ATTEMPT ON LEADER'S LIFE!

Kommandant Kolin Klemo (62) of the Kreslu Kernewek Kemmyn, pictured here in typically grim-faced pose, has once more saved the day by uncovering and foiling a devilish plot by the Bonnetti gang to assassinate the leader, Billy Spargo, 94, of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC).

Kommandant Klemo is an enigmatic character. After frequent early brushes with the law as a youngster, no misdemeanor was ever proven. Despite his having once been apprehended half way up a drainpipe outside the girls’ shower room at West Cornwall School for Girls at 9.00 pm one Friday evening, his explanation that he was ‘looking for bats’ was accepted by the presiding magistrate, Aristotle Klemo.

He later applied to join the elite Cornish-speaking unit of the Relubbus police, Kreslu Kernewek Kemmyn, and, in a period of just twenty years, shot to the top of this six man hand-picked squad in the Relubbus police. His exposure of the Bonnetti plot to kill is yet another in a long line of achievements.

The Bonnetti gang turn out to be a group of three cut-throat desperadoes, whose base is a lock-up garage on the Long Rock Industrial Estate. All three are Cornish born and bred but are not related. They have acquired the name ‘Bonnetti’ simply because of their taste in headgear. Their names can be revealed as:

Marcus Pengwidden (23), is a qualified window fitter, who somehow simply fell ‘by the wayside’. Formerly a regular attender at Mount St Methodist Church in Penzance and an enthusiastic member of the Chyandour handbell ringing club, Marcus began his descent into the netherworld of the West Cornish criminal fraternity by picking up cigarette butts on the Prom. This later led to pilfering cigarette packs from the RC Oates Superstore.

This, together with his habit of wearing a ‘man’s bonnet’, brought him to the attention of the second member of the gang:

Tristan ‘Broccoli’ Tregear (32) has worn a bonnet ever since he was a baby. He regards the wearing of a hood as ‘uncool’ and believes that Cornish criminals should develop their own unique sense of identity and dress code.

The fetching red bonnet he wears in this picture was lovingly made for him by his mother, Brenda, a one-legged school dinner lady at Humphry Davy School.

Tristan’s disruptive school career passed seamlessly into a steady stream of aimless small-time petty crime (including nicking broccoli for sale to his relatives) until he came to the attention of the ring-leader of the gang:


Madron ‘Bare Hands’ Trembath (49) of Colinsey Road, Penzance is a reprobate with a long history of criminal acts and a predilection for wearing a black ‘man’s bonnet’.

After a brief and unsuccessful apprenticeship as a ‘junior’ at Sally’s Hairdressing in Parade Street, Penzance, where he lost his job for stealing hair colourants, he coasted into a lifestyle of casual crime, which led to hardcore burglary, GBH and Robbery with Violence.

He took to wearing a bonnet – originally in pink – in his days with Sally, as she felt it would help him ‘blend in’ more easily in the overwhelmingly female world of ladies’ hairdressing. Having got used to the comfort of a bonnet, he decided to continue to wear a manly black colour when he left Sally’s.

Like finds like and it was inevitable that the three bonnet-wearing criminals should, sooner or later, come across one another and work together. Thus it was that, just three years ago, the Bonnetti gang was formed over a cup of coffee in the Wimpy Bar Penzance.

The revered, but somewhat eccentric, GRUC leader Billy Spargo (92) is known to travel from his official residence to the Council chamber each day – naked in all weathers - upon his beloved motorised push bike, which he leaves parked outside his house all night.

Klemo’s men caught the Bonnetti gang staking out Spargo’s home and pounced when they saw chief desperado Trembath tinkering with the brakes. Threatened by the six burly coppers of the Kreslu Kernewek, Trembath and the others gave themselves up without a fight and just the words “Issa fair cop!”

The next day, despite a bracing wind and a cutting sleety rain, Councillor Spargo emerged wearing nothing but his helmet, mounted his bike without a word, and, statesman that he is, proceeded to work as if nothing had happened.