Issue 6, 2nd July 2007

BUSH AND PUTIN TO LIVE TOGETHER IN RELUBBUS!

The diplomatic world was stunned yesterday by simultaneous announcements from the Kremlin and the White House that Putin and Bush are seeking to set up home together in Relubbus.

It would seem that occasional one-to-one meetings between the two have led to the chance discovery that they have more in common with one another than they could ever have suspected. This process of mutual discovery has been assisted by the involvement of Relubbus-based diplomat and amateur conductor Horton Nance, of whom more later.

Both men are married, but neither regards this as a serious obstacle to following their hearts’ desire: to live together -- in Relubbus.

Penhaligon’s Estate Agents have been commissioned to find the unlikely couple a hideaway in the environs of Relubbus, which has long been known for its easy tolerance of unusual liaisons. Relubbus is also the home of Horton Nance, who since his 8 year fling with closet African queen, Robert Mugabe, back in the sixties, has had a string of relationships with international leaders.

Nance (93), pictured on the left rehearsing for his next performance at St Johns Hall with the Nancledra Philharmonic, would not be drawn as Roundup reporters quizzed him on his role in this affair.

Despite the fact that the only picture of the couple in Relubbus shows them wearing Nance-designed dressing gowns, the tight-lipped conductor of international affairs simply refused to comment.

The Roundup tried to contact Councillor Billy Spargo, of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council for a comment. However, according to his housekeeper he was unavailable, having "gone up Pendeen to see ‘is Enty, oo’ve bin took bad."


SUGAR "HOPPING MAD" AS RC OATS SURGES AHEAD IN TV RATINGS!

Sir Alan Sugar (left) was described as "hopping mad" after seeing the "The Apprentice" leapfrogged in the ratings by the brand-new Relubbus TV programme "Wanna get on, do ee?", which stars Relubbus entrepreneur RC Oats, who is estimated to have amassed a personal fortune of more than £1,200 over the past 35 years in his Relubbus grocery business.

Oats (known to locals simply as "RC", or "Arsey", depending on how well he is liked by the local in question) has 9 Cornish likelies, who are vying with one another to be his apprentice and thereby win a weekly two figure wage, with 5% off store goods thrown into the bargain.

Oats says of the programme "I kent believe my luck. I got these nine kids workin' 'ere fer nuthin and you can’t get cheaper than that, can ee?"

RC Oats (pictured left) is often portrayed by The Economist, the Western Morning News and the Cornishman as the perfect example of a capitalist success story.

Putting aside the recent News of the World revelations about the nature of Mr Oats’ relationship with his pet ducks, the press have had nothing but good news to report on this one-man economic phenomenon. Oats’ grocery store in Relubbus has, after only 30 years, enjoyed such a run of success that he has been able to open up another store in nearby Ludgvan -- and there is now even talk that he might be opening a third store in Crowlas.

He says, " I got they kids doin' all the jobs I can think of and till this programme is over I don’t have to pay any of ‘em. I tell ee -- it’s a proper job and no mistake!"

The contestants aren’t complaining, as their smiling faces show. From the left are Davey Vinicombe (21) from Rosudgeon, Caleb Tiddy (23) from Trevorgans, Janner "Shorty" Polkinghorne (35) from Penberth, Lydia Rodda (22) from Nantewas, Jimmy Woolcock (24) from Boskenna, Pascoe Ellis (sitting), 29, from Tregiffian, Billy Spargo (31) from Penmennor, with arm round "partner" Jimmy Carkeek (25) from Treave, and Jim Vingoe (26) from Silena.
CAMILLA LOSES IT!

As revealed in the last edition of the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" (shown left), is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

Always eager to report on successful Cornish entrepreneurs, the Roundup caught up with Lily as she was taking the salute at a passing-out parade at Sandhurst. It was a sunny, breezy morning, and Lily looked every inch the part in an expensively-cut, resplendent black costume and large matching hat.

Her act was going well until, suddenly, a rogue gust of wind blew off her hat. Taken by surprise, Lily momentarily lost her cool. She was distinctly heard to say "Bleddy wind! 'Is like bein' up bleddy Trencrom in a force 9!"

"Camilla"'s aides looked at each other in astonishment: they had never heard such language, in such an accent, issue from her lips. Moments later, however, Lily, the consumate professional, had regained her composure, and all was well.
LOOK OUT, BRANSON -- HERE COMES A CORNISHMAN!
Story by Janner Batten and Picture by Hummy Williams

People from all over Relubbus gathered to see the amazing sight of Douglas Chadder’s attempted balloon flight around the world. Dougie, whose head can be seen emerging from the entrance to the balloon during the pre-flight test, announced with characteristic bravado "I aren’t gonna be beat by they up-country big mouths. Bleddy Branson do think ee’s some smart with is fancy balloon, but ee ebn seen nothin' yet. I’m gonna overtake ee, you see if I don’t."

Unfortunately, Mr Chadder’s attempt at global circumnavigation was thwarted when, failing to gain sufficient height after leaving Relubbus, his basket collided with Billy Peniluna’s amateur radio tower at Marazion. Dismissing this setback as "teething problems" and nursing his bruises, Mr Chadder, undaunted, is already planning his next trip.





Going on holiday? Then go with a Trenwith Caravan! These hand-crafted motor homes all come equipped with a window and lockable door! You can fill it with camp beds, chairs, or whatever you wish, to make that dream holiday an unforgettable experience. The cost is a mere snip at £8,750. For an extra £1,400, a water tank can be fitted and a bucket with chemicals supplied. Yes, we think of everything!! TRENWITH OF RELUBBUS.
ROY ORBISON SPOTTED IN TESCO
By Arts and Entertainment Correspondent Pimble Chicken

The Roundup has received several independent reports, from unimpeachable sources, that the legendary American singer-songwriter, Roy Orbison, was sighted in Relubbus Tesco's last Wednesday. Apparently, Roy, pictured left, is on an unpublicised visit to the UK, during which he is assessing possible venues for a future world tour. Relubbus, it seems, is high on his list.

The popular singer, who is rarely out of the Relubbus Top Ten, was happy to chat with surprised fans who were lucky enough to be in Tesco's that day.

A passing English tourist almost spoilt the party when he asserted that Roy Orbison had died in 1988. This claim produced screams of outrage and horror from the singer's loyal fans, and the unfortunate man was lucky to escape with his life. As he fled, he shouted back over his shoulder "It's a woman in a wig and dark glasses, it's obvious!"

In an unrelated incident on the same day, Relubbus ex-actress and male impersonator Diadora Ponce was forcibly committed to the Barncoose Secure Home for Terminally Confused Ex-Actresses and Male Impersonators.
RELUBBUS TOP TEN June 2007

1. Old Shep Elvis Presley
2. Brown-eyed 'Ansom Man Buddy Holly
3. Only the Lonely Roy Orbison
4. You Never Can Tell Chuck Berry
5. Waterloo Abba
6. Pretty Flamingo Manfred Mann
7. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band Beatles
8. This Is My Song Petula Clarke
9. A Whiter Shade of Pale Procul Harum
10. San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair) Scott MCKenzie
    

Inside the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

Continuing our journey around the different foreign embassies in Relubbus, we now take a peek behind the mysterious curtains of the Free Tibetan Embassy. In the centre of the picture on the left, we can clearly see the most illusive face of Mr Lobsang Norbu, here giving us a gracious smile. Mr Norbu hardly ever leaves the embassy compound except under cover of darkness and with a bathtowel over his head. Understandably self-conscious about his unusual looks, Mr Norbu has only once been seen in Tesco’s at Penzance and that was for a fleeting visit to the cash machine.

Saturday evenings at the Tibetan embassy are spent in appreciation of the aged practice of "throat-singing" to the accompaniment of the Piwang (Tibetan violin), here played by Techung Rabsel Takeaway. On the left of the picture -- enthusiastically joining in the throat singing for all she is worth - is Mr Norbu’s wife, the very charming Gonpo.

Gonpo has taken to life in Cornwall with great enthusiasm. She is often seen in the fields around Relubbus, armed with her bow and arrow, out hunting rabbits, whilst practising her throat-singing routines. She is also quite keen on Bingo and the ambassadorial car has often been seen dropping her off outside the Ritz in Penzance.

Free Tibet places great value on its relationship with Relubbus, seeing within it a formidable counterbalance to the growing economic and military might of China.

The Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has yet to send anyone on diplomatic service abroad. Councillor Billy Spargo today stated "If we duh send anyone out to foreign parts, them lamas will be first on the list!"
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE BATTLE OF THE RIVER PLATE

starring JOHN GREGSON, ANTHONY QUAYLE, and PETER FINCH


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.






Parmenus Jelbart speaks out!

Parmenus Jelbart has been following the Roundup’s occasional articles on the subject of gay rights and, as chairman of the Tregeseal "I Aren’t Queer Society" (IAQS) believes that he has a balanced contribution to make.

Parmenus (pictured left) believes in a productive debate, which takes full account of the opinion of all sides and which seeks to promote a society in which diversity can prosper.

He completely opposes rank homophobia and is a stern advocate of dialogue to advance mutual understanding. In his role of Chairman of the IAQS, he has worked tirelessly to promote better understanding of homosexuality within Tregeseal -- and indeed within St Just as a whole.

As he puts it himself so succinctly, " You kent jes ‘it someone cuz they’re queer. That id’n politically correct, as we duh call it. You gotta talk to un first so they understand jes why they’re gonna get a clout before you can let em ‘ave it."

Parmenus has been nominated for a Diversity Award to be given by the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

Parmenus is also a member of the St Just String Quartet and an enthusiastic member of the St Just New Testament Greek study group.
Swami Bhindra Conumdrum foretells all!

The Roundup’s resident astrologer, the Breton mystic Maurice Labalge, is in hospital following a recent serious and unforeseen accident. The Roundup wishes him well and welcomes the well-known Indian mystic Swami Conumdrum, who, happily but unexpectedly, has stepped in at short notice.

He is the mystic who knows our tomorrows, whose counsel will reduce all our sorrows!
Aries
This month is absolutely tophole for all people born under the sign of the Rum. You always like it things done jaldi jaldi and this month everything is dhotily jaldi. Be wary of a dark man with a curved sword and sign of snake on his arm. Avoid the St Just Kwop this week.

Taurus
Oh! oh! oh! Oh, oh,oh! I am deeply concerned on seeing what is befalling you this month. Do not despair. It is possible that a cure will be found within the next ten years. Until then try to avoid passing any naked flames. Looking on bright side, your venereal disease will completely clear up, leaving just small scars.

Gemini
What an amazing luck is it you have! In your garden in your rear, it is being found great quantities of oil. You have great jollity about this tophole outcome and are naturally desirous to share your good fortune with me as the harbinger of such gladly tidings for you and your widowed mother, who is nearly 90. I do accept cash.

Cancer
Showers of shavings of sandalwood descend from skies upon your head, enveloping you in the heady and intense perfume from that most wondrous tree. This is most necessary as your body odour is beginning to win you unwelcome attention. You should not be so proud of your strong smell. It not manly, only unpleasant. Perhaps goats might find it interesting -- maybe this is what you want. For now, I have saved you with sandalwood.

Leo
Jitnee Lambi Chadar ho Utna hee pair failana Chahina! This mean you should stretch your legs only till the size of your counterpane. You are overspending and you need to save money. Too many chapattis, too much meat -- all this is very bad. I can look after your money for you and give you small cash when you need.

Virgo
Door ke dhol suhavane lagte hain! Put her out of your mind -- she is out of reach for poor man like you. It is not good you think of her when you married with three children. Tighten belt and not be thinking such things.

Libra
You will have strong dreams about it you become ladies hairdresser in Ludgvan. This powerful thought will not let go, although unwise to specialise in coiffures for bald ladies, who will not like the polish idea. This idea good for men, but you should open business in Newlyn for this.

Scorpio
Mrs Hollis comes to offer you some good advice and you will be doing it well to listen it from her. She has strong breath and sound liver. It might be good idea to have sexual relationship with her.

Sagittarius
Sawan ke andhe ko sab hara hi hara nazar aatar hai! Wake up, you must see reality! You have lost your shop, your wife has walked out on you. Your paid lover will not perform for nothing. Your pet monkey has died and the Pendeen bus does not stop outside your house any more! You must pull it yourself together.

Capricorn
This week will see you receive tophole news about receiving many lakhs of rupees very jaldi indeed. You will be mega rich and can now embark on the film career you have always dreamed of, despite your advanced years. So on Monday, go into work, chuck in the job, go home and wait for the money to pile in.

Aquarius
For people under this star sign, this week is unusual in that nothing much happens. Everyone must sometimes have quiet time and this will be a one such time for you. Take full advantage because next week your whole world will be thrown upside down by the sudden death of your loved one. This is a terrible blow from which you will never recover, unless you pay for my help.

Pisces
It is not being good idea to wash feet before going in field! This is sign of silly person. Man Pisces must stop doing this and stop picking nose. Vooman Pisces must stop chatting and chatting too much till I get bad head-ache. This is not tophole. Dhotily good things lie ahead in future but too distant for I see it yet. However cash money to me can help intensify image and make it easy for me to say it this future.
Lonely Hearts
The Roundup is proud to have the opportunity of bringing together those in search of true love and happiness.

From an old-established family of Waziristan exiles living in Paul for the past 150 years, Abdul al Qazir al Gwavas is a young man looking for love. A shy 32-year-old painter and decorator by trade, Abdul has regrettably found that his appearance can be off-putting to the young ladies of Paul and its environs, but he is determined to buck the family trend of sending back to Waziristan for a wife and instead is looking for a local Muslim woman of good Cornish stock.

Abdul’s interests are playing the xylophone, the Sun crossword and breeding frogs and toads. He has also been runner-up for the last 13 years in the Mousehole marbles championship. Abdul is keen that interested young women should understand that he will require them to stay covered up all the time -- even in his presence and especially in the shower or bath -- even after marriage. On the plus side, this means that he has no preference as to looks as he will never see his wife. This is clearly an opportunity for the plug-ugly, so get writing to Box 4562.

Rosezina Cock, 26, of Landrivick Road, Pendeen is a sweet retiring maiden, who seeks a man with a good heart. Pictured here with her imaginary dog, Griffles, Rosezina leads a quiet life with her widowed mother, Kitty.

Rosezina has a part-time job at a nearby dairy farm, but her income is supplemented by state benefits. A firm believer in the virtues of telepathy as opposed to actual speech, she has not spoken since the age of 7, preferring instead to growl with meaning.

At her Gunwalloe boarding school for children with profound learning difficulties, she has picked up some writing skills and is in the habit of leaving notes for those who can’t pick up the telepathy or understand the growls. She is very fond of Fry’s Turkish Delight, fried breakfasts (though she can’t cook yet), the Shipping Forecast, and Emmerdale. She enjoys Blow Football. Box 5698

Simon Retallack (17), a wooden ventriloquist’s dummy from Crows an Wra, has grown tired of spending nights alone in a suitcase. He would like to meet a female wooden artefact or vent’s dummy, if there is one in the West Penwith area, for what he describes as "funsome fwolics after a few gottles". Simon does not discriminate and would be happy to meet human females, as well as dummies, provided that they are not fat or ugly and don’t mind the suitcase. Box 3481

Ambrose Pollard is a 51 year old single man looking to connect. A teacher by profession, Ambrose is deeply conscious of his professional duties and always wears his mortar board to keep a visible reminder before others and himself of his role in society. He is in charge of the reception class at Ludgvan Primary School. His hobbies are his train set, his mouth organ, and his 23 whippet dogs, who share his home with him at present.

Ambrose has no experience with the opposite sex and also assures us that he has had no experience with the same sex. He is deeply defensive about the nature of his relationship with his dogs, but says "I do love them all, bless them!".

Believing that now is the time to deepen his social interaction with non-canines, Ambrose waits to hear from you at Box 2381.

SPORTS NEWS

VICKERY SACKED BY RELUBBUS RFC!

Former England captain Phil Vickery has been sacked by Relubbus RFC -- only weeks after joining the club from London Wasps!

As reported in this organ a few weeks back, the World Cup-winner was recruited to boost Relubbus's ambitious plans to progress from Cornwall League 2, in which they currently play, to European Cup winners within five years.

Besides recruiting Vickery, and many more star names, multi-millionaire backer Dicky Penwallet has upgraded the Relubbus stadium to Premiership standards, with a new stand that can hold upwards of 30 people, and a state-of-the-art floodlight powered by a wind turbine on Treluglas moor. Yesterday Penwallet was tight-lipped, saying only that Vickery had left the club "on amicable terms".

The incumbent of the tighthead prop position before Vickery arrived, Joe Tregeagle (48), is expected to regain his place in the team. The 4 foot 11, 7 stone veteran said: "We 'ad a pre-season friendly with Roseland. When Vickery saw that git Roseland pack 'ee went pale and wet 'isself. Five minutes later 'eed 'ad all 'ee cud 'andle."

The "Raging Bull" was unavailable for comment yesterday.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• WAR LOOMS: SITUATION TENSE ON HAYLE BORDER

• POLITICAL SCOOP: GEORGE AND SPARGO IN SLANGING MATCH!
  

• Mozart alive and well -- and living in Relubbus!

• Roy Orbison spotted in KWIKSAVE!
  

• A visit to the Japanese Embassy in Relubbus

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts column
  

• YOUR STARS, with Japanese mystic Yamada Taro
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 5, 18th June 2007

CAMILLA: SHOCKING REVELATIONS

Shown on the left is "Camilla" (not her real name), who has convinced large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat -- namely, the "Duchess of Cornwall". While practising this deceit she is often seen in the company of a rangey, gormless-looking individual with a strange accent who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall".

We put "Camilla"'s claims to famed Cornish historian, Dr. A.L. Prowse, who debunked them in typically forthright style:

"Her claims are patently false, since legally Cornwall has been a republic, with its own Parliament (latterly conveniently unrecognized by the English), since the Middle Ages. The last independent king of Cornwall was Hywel, in the 9th century A.D."

In fact, the Roundup can now reveal that "Camilla" is none other than Lily Nichols, a bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who is well known throughout West Penwith. In former years, her stock-in-trade was to beg, tearfully, gullible-looking tourists in Penzance to "lend" her £2, so that she could catch the "Rapide" to visit a dangerously ill relative in Truro hospital. A couple of hours later, she could usually be seen staggering out of the First and Last, sometimes unaided.

Lily has clearly advanced in her chosen profession and the Roundup wishes her well. The downside to her success, as she candidly admitted to us, is that she can no longer work in her beloved Cornwall, where her preposterous claims would be ridiculed. However, as she says, "the pickings are richer over the border!"
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"I AM THE RE-INCARNATION OF HENRY VIII"!
Miss Tamazine Retallack (28), of Leskinnick Terrace, Penzance, is a quiet unassuming local girl, who has so far avoided publicity of any sort. A Sunday School teacher at Mount Street Methodist Church, she believes in a life of total abstinence.

Her only weaknesss is her fondness for fresh air, which she indulges by "air-surfing". Invented by herself, this consists of running around isolated beauty spots in the nude, "letting the air take me". In this possibly dangerous pursuit, she has been protected by her father, who stands guard and collects viewing charges from any gentlemen who happen on the scene by chance.

Last Monday, Miss Retallack shocked her employers by using a megaphone to announce to all patrons of the Library present at the time that she was, in fact, none other than the re-incarnation of King Henry VIII.

Miss Retallack is now being examined at the Barncoose Hospital for the irrevocably confused. Doctors tell us that Miss Retallack’s stay could be a long one.
MILLIONAIRE ROSUDGEON RECLUSE (62) SEEKS YOUNG WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING
Rosudgeon recluse, Jasper Behenna, has emerged into the light of day after withdrawing himself from society for the past 25 years. He has declared to the village his intention of finding a suitable young woman to marry so that the world will not be denied the chance of having living replicas of his ownestimable self.

Mr Behenna has lived with only his collection of goats for company for the past quarter century. Inevitably, he has become particularly attached to certain of his animals over the years and he has made it clear that his new wife -- whoever she may be - must accept the close bond he has forged with Henry, his ram.

Henry is an accomplished xylophone player and enjoys a glass of cider in the evenings when nestling down with Jasper. "I am sure that some young lady out there will appreciate an easy life of loving and giving with Henry and myself", says Jasper.

Roundup unmasks member of St Buryan Music Combo!
A perplexing cloak of mystery surrounds the new music combo that has taken West Penwith by storm in recent weeks, Their greatest moment was their performance last week before a packed crowd of 9 people at St John's Hall in Penzance. As they always appear in make-up and clown outfits, no one has a clue who they could be -- or didn't before the newshounds of the Roundup got on the case.

We can now reveal that the double bass player is none other than Larson Trevaskis, who, as reported in this paper, appeared before Bodmin magistrates last year on several counts of interfering with animals. Mr Trevaskis (45) of Chyangwens, Boswedden Lane, St Just, lost his job with the RSPCA as a result. Mr Trevaskis would not comment today on the Roundup’s unmasking of his new musical persona. Investigations continue as to the identity of the other players. Watch this space.
LOCAL DOCTOR IN SEX SCANDAL
The West Cornwall medical world was rocked by revelations made by a Ludgvan housewife, Mrs Everelda Fidock (57), about a leading Relubbas physician, Dr Jeremiah Tonkin.

Mother of 12 Mrs Fidock (left) attended Dr Tonkin’s surgery to seek his help following persistent attacks of flatulence over a period of 5 days.

"I tried everything myself to try and shift ‘un, but I jes couldn' stop fartin'. The las' straw was las' Sunday when I was up Chapel. The Minister asked we to pause fer silent reflection. It went on fer minutes and I felt a belter comin' on. I squeezed and shuffled, but couldn shut n off. Then out it came, like a blast from a git foghorn. I never bin so embarrassed, didn' know where to look. Everyone looked at me, so I felt I 'ad to say something and I said "I’m sorry about coughing so loud. I’m goin' straight up to Dr Tonkin’s tomorrow to sort n out."

Respected, but somewhat eccentric physician, Dr Tonkin (pictured on the left) has acquired a reputation for his sometimes unorthodox approach to diagnosis. In Mrs Fidock's case, Dr Tonkin insisted on cutting away the patient's clothing until she was entirely naked, as a prelude to various intimate examinations of several hours duration. Eventually, he was able to conclude that Mrs Fidock had a "gippy tummy", for which he prescribed aspirin accompanied by vigorous press-ups. Various other female patients of the Relubbus surgery have now come forward to make similar allegations of impropriety in respect of Dr Tonkin. The doctor has remained steadfastly quiet in the face of these rumblings of discontent. A co-opted member of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) , Dr Tonkin continues to enjoy the full support of the council, according to Councillor Billy Spargo.
POLICE NOTICE: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

Police are on the lookout for a hardened member of the West Penwith criminal community and ask the public to report him on sight. The man, pictured here on the left, is Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash. Wanted for eleven robbery attempts (all failed), the latest of which took place last Saturday at Spiegelhalter’s in Causewayhead, Penzance, Dash is believed to have slipped into the underworld of Crows an Wra.

LONELY HEARTS

Alfonso Trembath, 37, of Tremethick Cross, wishes to meet a young lady who will share his life of derring do. Alfonso believes that he is Zorro. However, now that the police have taken away his swords and have him under close 24-hour observation, they believe that he is relatively safe to remain in the community.

Pictured at home, wearing his favourite indoor hat and cloak and clutching the remains of a takeaway rat in a brown paper bag, Alfonso looks forward to his advert resulting in a string of intimacies with young ladies -- possibly and hopefully simultaneously. Hidden in the picture is Alfonso’s bedridden 78 year old mother, Bathsheba, whose head and upper body have been covered in an old carpet for the photo. Alfonso expects that the new lady of his life will also become a carer for his mother, thus relieving him of a burden to which his mental challenges render him unequal. Box 3067

Abdul al Islamiye al Qabar al Pendeen (48) is a lonely man. Living on the outskirts of Pendeen, Abdul cannot remember how he came to leave his native Saudi Arabia to live in Cornwall, where, for the past 30 years, he has lived most unhappily alone. Entirely content in his career as a bus conductor for Western National, where he specialised in the Penzance- St Just route, he finds that his non-professional life does not live up to expectations.

"I have no wife to share me, there is it no mosque in Pendeen, no Muslim social club. I spit on your pubs and loose women, who do not cover it up themselves. Cornwall is it soon to be all Muslim -- all women cover it. I close it all pubs, make all speak Arabic. I introduce it Sharia law throughout whole Pendeen and whole Cornwall. I make it all you suffer for it you laugh at me. [There is no box number for this ad as Abdul does not seek a woman from outside his community. He merely wishes to use these columns to make his feelings known. Ed]

Derick Penberthy (42) of Ludgvan is a farm labourer with a profound love of the natural world. Known locally as "frying pan", because of the frying pan he has clutched in his right hand since the age of 6, he is still able to complete all the jobs his employer tasks him with, using his left hand alone. Derick lives -- alone -- in a hedge on the Relubbus road and is looking for someone with whom he can share those tender moments that characterise the love between two people. Any women who see in Derick the challenge they have been waiting for are invited to write in to Box 3456.

Benjy Trewern (38) describes himself as "one o' they execeetive posh types, what duh earn lotsa money". Benjy lives in the Nanjizel home for the dangerously disturbed. He spends his busy days in the dissection of any living things that cross his path, with rats being a special treat. Benjy isn’t really allowed to associate with people outside the home without two male warders present. However, having now weaned himself off his obsession with Baby Spice, he is open to approaches from other women. Any young ladies with qualifications and experience in handling the dangerously disturbed and who believe that they can already see the light of a big potential love shining from Benjy’s eyes are asked to write to Box 5623.

Lucretia Bolitho (28) likes fun, fun and more fun. A happy-go-lucky waitress from the Newlyn Meadery, Lucretia was the All-Cornwall Tiddlywinks champion in 2005, and also holds a record for underwater ironing. She is sad that she has never had a boyfriend before ("someone to share some jokes and fun with!") and is now ready to rumba with the right man.

Lucretia is doing an Open University degree in Clowning and has lodged a patent on her own whoopee cushion invention, using her own captured wind. She is seeking a young man who will share her interests and make her laugh. Box 4981.

Violet Tregonning (54) is a solicitor from Copperhouse, Hayle. Violet has varied interests, ranging from Bible study classes, to singing in the chapel choir, to Sunday School mistress. She is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society and collects money for the British Heart Foundation and the Liberal Club. She is also a lifelong member of the RSPB. Following the recent unfortunate passing away of her sister, Violet now lives alone. She would now like to explore sharing her life with a man.

She has a particular interest in finding out more about the Kama Sutra, which she believes to be an oriental exercise book and would also like to try breakdancing. Lovestruck Romeos are asked to write in to Box 6730.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: Bush and Putin to set up home in Relubbus!
  

• Sugar "hopping mad" as Relubbus TV steals his ratings

• Camilla loses it! How her true identity was almost revealed!
  

• Relubbus man's around-the-world balloon flight attempt

• Roy Orbison spotted in TESCO!

• Report on the Tibetan Embassy in Relubbus

• Explosive interview with Parmenus Jelbart, Chairman of the Tregeseal IAQS

• Vickery sacked by Relubbus RFC!
  

• "Your Stars", with guest astrologer Swami Bhindra Conumdrum

• Our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column: find that special someone
  

• And much, much more!

Issue 4, 4th June 2007

EXCLUSIVE: BLAIR SEEKS TOP JOB AT GRUC!

As many political commentators have suspected, Tony Blair, after giving up the role of Prime Minister is now making his play for the big job -- as globe-trotting Foreign Relations Councillor for Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC).

The lucky job-holder is not only able to travel -- free -- all over Cornwall and sometimes outside, but also has the benefit of a fully-furnished council flat on Gwavas Estate, with a sea-view only 4 minutes walk away.

Blair’s wife, Cherie, has been seen in Andrewartha’s, Penzance, eyeing up furniture for the flat (paid for by the council). She has also been reported as applying for a job as an assistant solicitor at Harvey’s in Morrab Road. Furthermore, we are reliably informed that the Blairs’ older children have applied for part-time jobs in the area (at Morrisons and the Kwop); this in order to shore up Blair’s local credentials and thus improve his chances of getting the job, for which there is the stiffest local competition.

The bookies’ hot favourite is Jan Trevanion, a granite quarryman from New Mill. A very youthful and sprightly 112 years old, Mr Trevanion has been dutifully waiting for what is commonly viewed as one of the greatest sinecures in the gift of GRUC.

Pictured on the left looking quietly confident, Mr Trevanion tells the Roundup that he has nothing to fear from Blair. "Blair idn local, kent speak Cornish an 'ee abn’t got un ‘ope in ‘ell of taking my job. I was ‘ere first and I aren’t goin nowhere!"

Mr Trevanion’s cousin, Ezekiel, held the job for some twenty years before his untimely death last month at the age of 147. As many believe that you need Trevanion blood to do the job, there will be uproar locally if Blair gets it. The Roundup will be first with the news!

We’re watching you!

Lorry Botheras, "Fats" Hocking and Violet Tregonning (disguised) are expert sleuths employed by the Roundup to sniff out stories.

So whether you’re nattering on the St Just bus, having a bit of chat over the fence, or musing to yourself in the House of Office, just remember we’re on the case.

The Roundup never sleeps -- never misses!

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GAY RIGHTS -- Should we take them up?

This is a snapshot taken at the St Ives Lesbian and Gay Rights Festival. It depicts one man's, "Winker" Rosewarne’s, attempt to "come out". Winker (49), a single man who lives quietly with his mother, Agnes (93), took advantage of the Festival to reveal his true bent, much to the shock of both his mother and his employers, Andrewartha’s Dairies.

Mr Marchmount Andrewartha commented "Come Monday, that bender’s sacked. I aren’t 'avin 'ee deliver my milk no more."

This kind of outdated homophobic attitude is, of course, entirely unacceptable in the 21st century. Should the Roundup become a campaigning organ for benders’ rights? We want your views!
Local man (98) dies unexpectedly

The Roundup brings you the sad news of the unexpected death of Mr Singlong "Chinky" Hong, who passed away at the weekend. A much-loved local character, Mr Hong was always pleased to be known simply as Chinky to patrons of his restaurant "The Chopped Stick", the first Chinese restaurant to be opened in Penzance back in the 1960s.

He was often heard to say, with a chuckle, "Guiloes no pronounce my name right, betta I say I Chinky!". Chinky was married to the 1956 Miss Halsetown, Catherine Trembath. The couple had no children.

A memorial service will be held at Chapel St Methodist Church on Wednesday at 3.00pm. According to Chinky’s last wishes, no flowers should be sent, but instead donations should be made to the Penzance branch of the Chinese Opium Smokers’ society.
CELEBRITY NEWS
with Court and Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Tregavarah Operatic Society Star adopts Colinsey Road child

Priscilla Rodda, the much-loved opera diva from Tregavarah, has adopted at last!

After fruitless years of treatment at the Bojuthno Trudgen Institute for Artificial Insemination, Priscilla has adopted a child from Maureen Coke, of 31, Colinsey Road, Treneere.

The child, believed to be female, was offered up by Maureen for adoption by Priscilla in exchange for an undisclosed sum.

Planning news:

Lamorna to be used for storage of nuclear waste shock!

Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) has struck again with a shock piece of news for picturesque Lamorna (left).

GRUC has signed a £40 million per year deal with the Republic of Ukraine to accept nuclear waste, which will be stored in Lamorna harbour.

Councillor Archibald Coke was unrepentant and unapologetic in giving out the news. "I dunno what they people are complaining about. I’s only a bitta waste. We’ll putten under the sand in the harbour and put a fence up round un. Tourists can hire Geiger counters at 50p a time and do their own measurin'."
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COURT REPORT
By Court Correspondent John Willie Polkinghorne, at Relubbus Magistrates' Court
Parish Council Chairman Terrorises Relubbus

Boy-racer Derek Hustle (63), the Chairman of Wellwhit Parish Council on the Isle of Wight, has been convicted of speeding.

In evidence, P.C. Obed Carne said:

"I clocked 'un 'urtlin' down Relubbus High Street at 32 mph. 'Ee was drivin' one-'anded, and wavin' a bottle of dry white wine in his other 'and. When 'ee got to the end of the street, 'ee did un 'and-brake turn and 'urtled back again. By this time, some ladies 'ad become 'istorical, an' 'Epzibah Pollock's prize sow, Gwennifyr, which 'ad been crossin' the street at the time, 'ad its litter then and there."

In mitigation, Hustle's solicitor explained that Hustle was not used to Relubbus roads. On the Isle of Wight, he said, people thought nothing of driving at speeds up to 35 mph. Just as the Isle of Man is known as "motor bike island", so the I.O.W. has been described as "racing car island", due to its proliferation of high-speed motorways.

Hustle (shown on the left leaving court disguised as a woman) asked for 17 other offences to be taken into account and was sentenced to 60 hours community service. He was also fined £3 and ordered to pay costs of £2.15.

After the hearing, Hustle's wife, Lynne (28), said: "Derek is not a bad man, but he is obsessed by speed."

Appropriately enough, it is understood that the Parish Council of Wellwhit has voted to defrock its erstwhile Chairman.

Proper Job - Cornish for the Non-Cornish
Gunnabuyunaree?
No, this is not an advertisement. This is the Relubbas Roundup’s way of introducing Cornish for the Non-Cornish.

Gunnabuyunaree? = "Are you considering the purchase of…..?"
I aren’t = "No, I am not."
Plumiza? = "Is he a little slow on the uptake?"
Queeriza? = "Is he gay?"
Bumdoee? = "Are you gay?"

Poetry Corner
Kenidjack Poetical, Literary and Philosophical Club
Annual Prize for Poetry in 2007
Awarded to Nellie Boskerris of Nanjizal, for her poem

I duh...

I duh do the washin on Mondays.
I duh go cleanin Tuesdays.
I duh like to stay ome Wednesdays, there’s plenty of cleanin ome to do.

I duh clean up in the back ‘ouse, make sure there’s plenty o newspaper.
Nuthin worse n bein stuck out there at 9 o’ clock on a winter’s eve, done your business, screamin for paper, but no one can ear you for the wind.

I duh gwup town regular for shoppin - buy n fresh and cook n fresh - thas me.

Thursdays I duh go old folks ome to elp out - git a bit a money for un too.
Fridays I duh do bakin and praps gwup town for a bitta geek roun.
Saturdays I’d put on my party frock and d’ go up bingo for a bit laugh.

I’d do these things every week. I’d like it like gat.

Enty May’s Problem Page
Readers are invited to seek Enty May’s benevolent guidance on sensitive matters of the heart, soul, body and human relations in general. In a previous issue, we stated that Enty May had a background of long term psychiatric care. We now understand that she herself received the care, rather than dispensing it. Since her words of advice are greatly valued, we do not regard past severe instability as an impediment to her role in this organ.

Question from Horton Nance (18) of Kelynack:

Dear Enty, I seen our neighbour, Dr Tonkin, mountin' a 'orse. I seenun do it more than once. Ee duh do it whenever 'ee duh think noone’s lookin.

Course I aren’t gunna tell the pleece. 'Owever, I was wundrin 'ow much blackmail money I could ask for to keep quiet?

Enty replies: Well, my bird, you done the right thing cummin' to me. If 'ee’s a doctor, 'ee d earn good money and you can sting 'im good and proper. Charge 'im £50 a month. Course, if you want me to keep quiet, you gotta give me ‘alf or I’ll publish this one in the Roundup.

Question from Liza Treloar (59) of Tregavarah:

Dear Enty, I duh 'ate my mother-in-law. 'Ow can I get rid of 'er fer keeps.

Enty replies: Well, my 'ansome, best way I can think of is t' bake she a nice pasty, but put plenty of rat poison innun. Put enough innun and she’ll be out your way.

Question from Elvia Cock (49) of Nanquidnick:

Dear Enty, My 'usbant says I am now ugly as sin and 'ee duh want to get rid o’ me. 'Ee 'ave now got a girlfrien' – some 22 year old scrubber 'ee picked up down Barn Club. What do I do?

Enty replies: Well, my sparrow, easiest thing fer you to do is t' get Liza Treloar to bake an extra rat poison pasty and giv’un to the scrubber and your 'usbant.

Question from Oliver Addicoat (16) of Heamoor:

Dear Enty, Everyone in my street 'ave got an ASBO ‘cept me. I feel I am lettin' the family down. Wonder what I can do?

Enty replies: Well, my cock, you’re some proper little man thinking about yer family name. Yer mother should be proud of 'ee.

If you want to get your own ASBO, you gotta' get noticed and that might be difficult with so many talented people in your street.

If I were you, I would concentrate on the old folks’ flats. Start off with breaking bottles o’ milk, smasha few windows and work yer way all the way up to explosives through the door. Best a luck, my ansome!

LONELY HEARTS
The Roundup recognises its social responsibilities towards the community it serves in many ways. One of these is by helping unattached folk to meet suitable partners. We hope that the following people will soon meet love’s young dream.

Josiah Tredwin, 39, ("I’m the handsome one on the right!") is a skilled grave-digger and night watchman who has devoted so much time to professional development that he -- like many another professional -- has had little time for meeting the right person.

A shy man with only a slight stammer, he prides himself on personal hygiene and takes a bath at least once every three months. Living alone with his bed-ridden father (87), he needs a woman to help him share the burdens of life.

He is looking for a similarly professional young woman (say a doctor of about 28 years of age) with whom he can share the burden of care for his father and to help him in his practical exploration of the Kama Sutra. "I would like for she to 'ave a car, 'cos I gotta gwin town on the bus at the moment". The authorities have asked us to add that Josiah is fully registered with the Criminal Records Bureau. BOX 4772.

Shazzer Tregwin (24) is a girl who likes to have fun. She lists her interests as Bingo, drinking, fish ‘n’ chips, the Lottery, "all the gossip magazines", experimental sex, shoes, handbags, chocolate, and lingerie.

A shelf-stacker from the Co-op in Newlyn, she would like to meet men, but not all at once -- "a girl’s gotta pace ‘erself!". Shazzer likes to receive "presents" from her men friends and lists £25 as the minimum. BOX 3765.

Archie Woolcock (45) is a local preacher, male voice choir member, and leader of a prayer group in Trelidden.

He runs a youth football team, and is a boy scout leader and Sunday School teacher. He has a job in the dry dock. An only child, he lives at home with his Mum and Dad.

Now that he has started wearing long trousers, he believes that it is time for him to meet girls, but it must be someone of whom his mother fully approves. His ideal woman would look like his Mum -- "a bit younger, of course!". BOX 2024.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• Camilla: shocking revelations!
  

• Henry VIII reincarnated in Penzance!

• Latest on the police search for master Crows an Wra criminal Jimmy "Boots bag" Dash .


• Millionaire Rosudgeon recluse Jasper Behenna's search for a young bride: the truth behind the rumours.
  

• Local doctor in sex scandal!

• Leader of chart-topping St Buryan music combo unmasked!

• Bumper edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" section.
  

• And much, much more!