Issue 16, 19th November 2007

ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON
By London correspondent Sylvia Cook

If you've visited the capital recently you cannot have failed to notice the various chains of Cornish pasty shops that seem to be propagating themselves everywhere. Two of the newest chains are "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!", the lastest venture of the Relubbus mega-capitalist R.C. Oates, and "Oggies 4 All", owned by Oates' arch-rival, the stupendously wealthy Marazion billionaire W.G. Trevaskis.

Oates' declared aim is to 'put a pasty shop on every London street', while Trevaskis swears to match Oates' every move. The consequence is that many London streets now contain branches of both "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All", often next door to each other!

It is small wonder that some residents are expressing disquiet. The Roundup visited the capital and interviewed a cross-section of Londoners who have had to bear the brunt of the pasty invasion. Many feel that their local culture is being undermined by the "foreign" invasion.

'It is not possible to obtain proper Muslim food here any more. Our local Halal butcher has been taken over by "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!". Now all you can buy here is "Pasties", "Eavy Cake" (whatever that is), "Clotted Cream", "Saffern Buns", and "Og's Puddin"! Everything's changed. It just doesn't feel like home any more.' Mrs Fiona Assad, Southall.




'Our bagel shop has gone. Instead, all we've got is "Oggies 4 All". It's not kosher!' Mo Rosenthal, Golder's Green.



'When I came here from Gdansk two years ago I could get all Polish food at the corner shop, imported direct from Warsaw -- pierogi, kolaczki, makowiec, babka cakes. Now "Oggies 4 All" has bought them out and I can't get anything I recognize. I don't like that foreign Cornish food!' Krysta, Notting Hill.







'The Cornish have no business coming up here. Cornwall is a place one goes to on holiday, where one has one's second home. We need them down there to do the gardening, etc.' T. Blair, Islington.






'Hampstead property prices have plummeted since "Oggie! Oggie! Oggie!" and "Oggies 4 All" moved in.' Rupert Fawcett-Fawcett, Hampstead.

UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY
By Grubber Trevorrow. Photographer Snapper Kelynack
The luminous glare of a full moon on a cloudless night lights up the landing strip at St Just airport, as the French air force jet comes in to land. It is 3:30 in the morning and all law-abiding folks are tucked up in bed. A Robin Reliant motor car, specially selected to blend in with local traffic, hushes its way, almost silently, up to the steps of the jet plane. A lone figure ghosts down the steps in the silvery light and quickly leaps into the car, which then steals away into the West Penwith night.

Unknown to this figure, two silent sleuths have both witnessed and captured the scene. These are none other than the Relubbus Roundup’s own winning reporting duo, Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack. Tipped off by one of the Roundup’s informants at the Elysee, the two staked out the airport and tracked every subsequent movement of the "lone figure", who is, of course, the French President M. Nicolas Sarkozy.

As Sarkozy drove off into the night, quickly accelerating the Cornish-registered mean machine to its maximum speed of 19 and a half miles per hour, Trevorrow and Kelynack reached for their bicycles and set off in silent but hot pursuit. After several minutes of hard peddling, Trevorrow and Kelynack were relieved to see the Robin Reliant slow down, pull into a little drive outside Heamoor, and come to a halt.

Then it struck them! This was the childhood home of Agnes Spargo (89), Billy Spargo’s estranged wife, who had now taken to living there again, after her husband had moved in with Madame Cecilia Sarkozy. It seemed that the lure of sweet revenge had led the French President to strike up a relationship with Spargo’s estranged spouse.

Observations over the next few days showed that Sarkozy was so blinded by his desire for revenge on both his wife and Councillor Spargo that he was prepared to overlook Mrs Spargo’s numerous physical ailments in his quest for vengeance. In between their trysts, he was seen wheeling Mrs Spargo out for an afternoon stroll, wearing a heavily scented scarf around his face, both to mask his identity and to afford some protection from the virulent smells emanating from Mrs Spargo’s body.

As to the origins of his jealousy, few who have seen them together can doubt the sincerity of the mutual devotion which Councillor Billy Spargo and Madame Cecilia Sarkozy bring to one another.

Smouldering beauty Cecilia (34) deserted her husband and left him alone in the cold, comfortless formality of the Elysee Palace. She is now ensconced in a secret love-nest in Tremethick Cross, where she spends each day waiting for the return of the new man in her life, for whom she has given up so much and for whom she now lives and breathes. She can now only occasionally be glimpsed taking her pet lizard (Nik Nik) out for a stroll.

The new man in her life is, of course, none other than the hugely powerful and influential leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council, Councillor Billy Spargo (81), shown here wearing his latest disguise, in an unsuccessful attempt to shake off the relentless Relubbus press corps.

Relubbus-watchers are astounded at the vital energies of this man, who devotes 10 hours a day to the affairs of state in Relubbus Town Hall, interrupted only by his mid-day break for his daily pasty (bicycled around to him fresh from the factory at St Just). Despite this phenomenal workload, which would exhaust a far younger man, Spargo (86) is known also to have a passionate and physically demanding relationship with young Mrs Sarkozy (22), which is also a part of his daily routine.

It was last Wednesday, on the third day of his visit, which he had hitherto believed to have been conducted in total anonymity, that President Sarkozy (42) was cornered by Grubber Trevorrow outside the chip shop in Causewayhead, Penzance, and quizzed about his relationship with Mrs Spargo (99).

By this time, the whole Relubbus press pack (never far from Trevorrow) had assembled around the beleaguered French President and was battering him with relentless questioning. In the face of all this, he clutched a photograph of Mrs Spargo (103) and, with tears beginning to flow down his cheeks, he declared with a slightly strained, but proud, voice "Je ne regrette rien!"

With these words, he retreated to his Robin Reliant and sped off back to Heamoor.



CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!
By Cornish Culture correspondent Rendell Janner
Cornish Language Instructors are amazed at the sudden explosion of interest in learning the Cornish language -- which is being replicated all over the land. Pictured below is one of 23 new Cornish evening classes which have just started up in Heamoor alone. Class sizes are being limited to 120. The 2,760 new students of the language in Heamoor are matched by countless thousands all over the rest of the county.

Mrs Elspeth Treloar, who runs the Heamoor Evening Institute, is amazed. "We don’t know what’s going on. Last year we ‘ad two people fer car maintenance, one fer crochet, and one fer French. This year, we got 2,760 fer Cornish. I never seen the like of ‘un before!"

This amazing and unprecedented demand for instruction in Cornish, which county-wide amounts to some 78,000 new students, has led politicians to wonder what significance it could have. The UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, who is perennially nervous about how he is being perceived by the public, is particularly concerned by the fact that interest in learning Cornish extends far beyond the borders of Cornwall, with several tens of thousands of students attending classes from Plymouth all the way up to London.

Billy Spargo of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council has not yet made the learning of Cornish a political issue, but all eyes are upon him as the numbers of people wanting to learn the language spiral beyond anything we have seen before.

(As reported in our last issue, in future prospective immigrants to Relubbus -- of whom there are many -- will be required to learn Cornish. Ed.)
ADVERTISEMENT
Hairdressing with a difference!!
Come to Arthur’s for a socialist haircut!!

Ladies -- and gentlemen -- do not delay;
Come in to Arthur’s -- get your hair done today!
Your coiffure reflects your political tone
So come get a haircut you’ll be so proud to own!!

Arthur Scargill is proud to be able to offer you a Socialist Revolutionary hairstyle -- just like his own. Everyone -- men and women -- will come out of his salon with a hairstyle just like his own -- exactly the same length and colour!!

It doesn’t matter (why should it?!) whether you are a man or a woman -- whether you are 75 or 18 years old. Why should there be a difference? Well, there will be no age or sex discrimination at Arthur’s place. You go in there -- lad or lass -- and come out looking the same.

Arthur’s Place is opening a new salon this week in Relubbus and next week in St Just!
BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER
by Foreign Correspondent Chester Minute

The long-running border dispute between Greater Relubbus and the People's Republic of Hayle shows no sign of resolving itself, as heavy fighting continues in the area of "Merlin's Magical Land", the theme park seized by the Haylors during the "Six Day War" of 1968.

The Republic's crack troops, the First Hayle Alpine Brigade, are reported to be advancing on a broad front, with the avowed intention of "pushing the Greater Relubbus Expeditionary Force (GREF) into the sea". Presumably, the "sea" referred to is the Channel coast, since the Republic's troops are currently moving southwards, away from the Hayle estuary.

The GREF high command is said to be regrouping its 7th Armoured Division of Humvee Waste Disposal Trucks (WDTs), in preparation for an Autumn counter-strike, before the winter rains make the conditions for armoured warfare untenable.




ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE GUNS OF NAVARONE

starring GREGORY PECK, DAVID NIVEN, and ANTHONY QUINN


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY
The Iranian Embassy in Relubbus is not situated in the diplomatic quarter, but is located in a cottage in Tregarthen Lane, a part of Relubbus inhabited by many followers of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist sect, the Golems.

His Excellency Ambassador Ahmed Al Dinner-Jacket explained, "We feel it very at home with Golem Methodists, who have it belief very much like it we do." The "we" refers to his young assistant, Mr Lari-Fari Rafsanjani, who sat next to him on the sofa during the interview.

He elucidated further that the Golem way of life was so close to that of the Iranian that they often felt like they were at home. The practice of the Golems in referring constantly to "eeyupabove" was at one with the practice of Iranian devouts in their frequent calls to the almighty.

He also referred to the Golem belief that women were the "work of the devil", ever since Eve had led Adam astray. Women had to be put up with as punishment for man’s fall, but women were to be treated as the lowest of all the low. It was therefore the duty of all right-thinking men to frequently chastise their women. The many restrictions on Golem women -- to remain covered at all times, to observe strict silence at all times (particularly during the daily beatings!), to keep the home and the other belongings of the husband spotless at all times -- all this made the Ambassador and his assistant feel comfortable and at home. "Golems recognise that women have to be endured, although some of us are lucky enough to be spared that onerous duty", he said, fondly squeezing his assistant’s knee.

At this point Lari-Fari darted off to the kitchen, where he quickly rustled up some Ash Reshteh (a hearty soup) followed by Kookoo ( a type of omelette) with Adasi (lentils). As we dined on these surprisingly tasty offerings, Ahmed volunteered "I do not know it what I would do it without my Lari-Fari. He is good at it in garden, good at it in office, good at it in kitchen, good... well, everywhere he is good at it", at which point the assistant blushed with awkward and embarrassed pride, not quite knowing where to look.

The Ambassador explained that the economic might of Relubbus was such that it left the Iranian Republic no choice but to have a presence here. However, it had proved an unexpected delight to find kindred spirits in the extreme Methodist fundamentalists. This had given rise to much interest back home in Teheran and arrangements were well in hand for cultural and religious exchanges between Tehran and Relubbus.

The Ambassador noted that the Iranian people had much to learn from the Methodist fundamentalists about the treatment, and particularly the beating, of women. A guest speaker from Relubbus had been invited to address the 8th Teheran Symposium on Female Chastisement later this year. With a fond glance at the demurely blushing Lari-Fari, the Ambassador said again, "We feel so at home here!"

An awkward silence followed and we got the clear impression that we were somehow intruding on private time. We consequently made our excuses and left.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

All over West Cornwall, there are lonely people. These are people, who -- if only they could find the right partner -- would be completely happy. The sad fact is that Mr or Miss Perfect could be just around the corner. If only they could meet. The Relubbus Roundup is pleased to be able to act as an introduction agency by publishing the following personal advertisements. Read them and you could find your soulmate.

Jasper Trembath (32) is not just offering you flowers -- he is offering you his undivided attention. He has rather a lot of time on his hands, since no one has sought fit to employ him. He has been seeking a job as a puppet impersonator ever since he has left school -- 16 years ago.

He lives with his Mum in Goldsithney, but both he -- and she -- are agreed that he would be allowed to leave home to go to the right woman, provided that she did not live further than 15 minutes drive.

Jasper is still deciding on what hobbies he should take up. Until he comes to a decision, he is more than content to watch daytime television with his Mum. Jasper’s favourite meal is bangers and mash, followed by strawberry ice cream. He eats this every day and would like a girl who can cook this for him, when he leaves Mum. His ideal girl will own her own home, have a steady job (with hours from 7.00 am to 9.00 am, while Jasper is still sleeping), drive a nice fast car, and share his love of daytime television. If this is you and you like the look of Jasper, then write to Box 4561.


Grizelda Tonkin (34) is a nail manicurist from Ludgvan. She had a difficult upbringing and did spend some time in jail for a variety of offences, ranging from car-jacking to shoplifting and mugging. She says that she has put crime well behind her now, but that her time inside did give her a useful trade -- that’s where she learnt to be a fully qualified manicurist.

A saucy girl, who likes to laugh, she enjoys a regular drink or two with some of her other reformed ex-prisoner friends. However, real fulfilment will only come once she has found the man in her life. She would like to hear from Denzil Trevains (great-nephew of the late lamented Banjo Trevains), a garage mechanic in Marazion, but if he is not interested, then she would be pleased to hear from anyone who is male and who is keen on natural blondes. Box 3498 is the one to write to.


Veronica Laity (24) is a charming, pretty, vivacious girl who works behind the counter at Spiegelhalter’s in Penzance. She likes to think of (and dress) herself as the fairy of Heamoor, where she still lives with her family. She is waiting to meet her Prince Charming.

Veronica is a busy girl. She is a member of the Heamoor handbell group. She also helps run the girl guide troop in Heamoor. On top of all that, you will be amazed to read that she also voluntarily spends two hours a day at the Old Folks' home in Heamoor. Given all that busyness, it is difficult to imagine where she also found the time to contract the various sexual diseases for which she is now receiving treatment. However, this weekend will see her get the "all clear" -- gents, hesitate no longer! Box 4562.


Lucy Quick (44) is a music and dance teacher from Botallack near St Just. Lucy has been married twice, but unfortunately both husbands died from nervous exhaustion in strenuous circumstances. Lucy is hoping that "this will be third time lucky!"

Lucy does not mind what her suitors do for a living nor does she care what they look like, but she is insistent that they must have a strong constitution.

Interested applicants are advised to write to Box 4571, but they should be aware that Lucy will be holding "auditions".



Martin Nankervis (28), seen here being supported by his father (after coming home from a date), is of a nervous disposition. He is a washing machine repairman and works in the Lizard area, where he also lives with his widower father.

Martin lacks confidence and love-struck ladies should be aware that Martin’s dad will be accompanying him on all dates "to make sure that the boy’s alright."

Martin earns £145 a week -- after tax -- and can, therefore, be regarded as something of a catch. However, he remains unsure if he can relate to girl "if dad isn’t there".

Could you imagine falling in love with and taking care of this gorgeous hunk of a man (and his dad)? If you can, then Box 5093 is the one for you.

Vernon Lanyon (43) is a carpenter and builder from Tregeseal with his own very successful business. Having built up the business over the past twenty years through sheer hard work, he is now looking for a young woman to share the fruits of his labours and of his loins.

Apart from looking after him and the house, his wife should also help him look after his seagull collection. He currently holds some 3,000 gulls captive.

Each day, he takes one out for "experiments". If they survive, they are allowed to fly away, though this does prove difficult without wings. Vernon hopes to be the first human being to fly (without engines) and is using gulls' wings and feathers to construct a device to enable him to do this. If you would like to share the life of this lovely and adventurous man, then Box 6682 is the one for you.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• ALIEN LIFE FORM IS CAPTURED IN BOSWEDDEN LANE!

• Review of "WHO ATE MEGAN'S GOOSE", the latest production from impressario Digby Trewin-Chuddlewit

• "YOUR STARS", with famed Breton mystic Maurice LaBalge

• OBITUARIES: RELUBBUS SAYS SAD FAREWELL TO "SOSHUL" POLGLAZE

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE SPANISH EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!

Issue 15, 5th November 2007

IMMIGRANTS "MUST LEARN CORNISH"
By political correspondent Rendell Janner

At a tempestuous meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) last night, controversial council leader Billy Spargo announced plans that would require all future immigrants to Relubbus to learn Cornish.

In recent years, there has been a huge rise in the number of people, particularly from England, wishing to emigrate to Cornwall -- and to Relubbus in particular. The picture shows a group of potential emigrants queuing outside the Relubbus Embassy in London.

Mr Spargo said that an "unacceptable" situation was developing whereby non-Cornish-speaking immigrants were electing to live in their own self-contained enclaves that had little or no contact with the indigenous population. Many immigrants, he said, made no effort to learn the language, and had no knowledge of Cornish history and culture.

This was "regrettable" for both the indigenous and the incomers, he said, because it made for a divided society in which both groups were impoverished. He called for both groups to explore and celebrate each other's cultures in a spirit of diversity.

Mr Spargo went on to say that the existence of self-contained immigrant "ghettos" was also dangerous, since it could encourage extremists on both sides to target the other's "tribe".

To reduce the problem of immigrant enclaves, Councillor Spargo said that, in future, all prospective immigrants who applied for residence in Relubbus would be required to take a test in Cornish Language and Culture. The Roundup has been lucky enough to obtain a sample test, which we reproduce below.

Cornish Language and Culture Test
Time allowed 2 hours. Write on both sides of the paper. Do not start until told to "Get 'un on!"

1. Write down, in full, all the verses of the Cornish National Anthem, Trelawny. (You may write the English version, if preferred.)

2. Jonathan Trelawny was:
(a) A 17th century bishop.
(b) Scrum-half for Cornwall in the 1991 County Championship Final.
(c) Inventor of the seed catalogue.

3. "An Gof" is Cornish for:
(a) A miner.
(b) A blacksmith.
(c) A travelling salesman.

4. The sentence "I'll do 'un drekkly" means:
(a) I'll do it right away.
(b) I'll do it tomorrow.
(c) I'll do it at some indeterminate point in the future.

5. Write down the recipe for "'eavy (or "'eva") cake". Your cake must be of sufficient consistency and weight to act as a door-stop to a medium-sized oak door.

6. The patron saint of Cornwall is:
(a) St Augustine.
(b) St Piran.
(c) St Nicholas.

7. The national sport of Cornwall is:
(a) Wrestling.
(b) Rugby.
(c) Gig racing.
(d) Association football.

8. The colours of the Cornish national flag are:
(a) Red, white, and blue.
(b) Red and white.
(c) Black and white.
(d) White and black.

9. Which of the following materials have NOT been mined in Cornwall. (You may mark more than one.)
(a) Tin.
(b) Copper.
(c) Gold.
(d) Lead.
(e) Arsenic.
(f) Rhubarb.

10. Which of the following did Richard Trevithick NOT invent:
(a) High-pressure steam pumping engine.
(b) Steam-driven carriage.
(c) The Hawaian surf board.

Note to examiner: Answering (d) to Question 7 or (b) to Question 8 results in automatic failure.

Mr Spargo went on to say that, provided that prospective immigrants passed the simple "Language and Culture" test, to gain admittance to Relubbus they would be required to:

1. Undertake to attend an extended course of Cornish language lessons.

2. Swear allegiance to Relubbus on the flag of St Piran.
CREATIONISM IN OUR SCHOOLS -- the debate!
By Education correspondent Rendell Janner
Relubbus Central Hall in fashionable Boswedden Lane was the scene of a heated debate on Thursday evening, when the champion of Creationism, Goldsithney double-glazing mega-billionnaire Theophilus Rosewarne (on the right in our picture), clashed with Relubbus’ own "Appliance of Science", the acclaimed Praze-an-Beeble physicist, Professor Thelonius Treglown.

The Hall was packed with supporters of both sides. The referee of the debate was none other than the nephew of Councillor Billy Spargo, Harold Spargo, the noted, but somewhat retiring, Ludgvan philosopher.

Rosewarne was egged on by the legions of Methodist fundamentalists who made a point of attending the event. In dramatic fashion they filed into the hall one by one in total silence and lined the walls of the hall. All four of them were clad in black greatcoats, which barely concealed an array of weapons. With fearsome glances all around, they adopted threatening postures. Whenever Rosewarne got up to speak, they let out a deafening roar of repeated choruses of "Praise the Lord!". When Treglown tried to reply, they shouted out even louder "Work of the Devil!".

Given the presence of Spargo’s nephew, order was restored with the arrival of troops of Relubbus police, who took up positions around the hall and surrounded it completely -- a commendable feat, as there were only three of them. The temperature reached such a level that secret service man "Donkey" Clemo was called back to duty from a night off at the Bald Duck.

With order somewhat restored, Rosewarne trumpeted his belief that the whole of creation was summoned into being at a particular time on a particular day in a particular year -- the 23rd October 4004 BC. This elicited a cry of "Balderdash" from Donkey at the back of the hall. The fundamentalists looked him over and, realising that it was the secret policeman himself, a shadowy figure known and feared throughout West Cornwall, judged silence to be a better option than response.

Treglown, tempted to probe this astonishing accuracy further, asked at what time of day the creation event occurred. Rosewarne, his whole frame alive with the electricity of certainty, raised his finger at Treglown (as captured by our photo) and, fixing him with a glare that promised eternal damnation, declared loudly ‘It ‘appened at 2 o’ clock in the afternoon, jes' after danner!"

Clearly amused by this devastating show of hell-fire simplicity, Treglown, a witty man, asked Rosewarne if he also believed in Father Christmas, thereby earning an infuriated punch to the chin.

With Rosewarne now securely restrained by the powerful arms of Donkey Clemo, Treglown was hoisted to his feet by PC Hosking. He then gave a passionate speech in which he called for the light of clarity to illuminate the education of the children of Relubbus.

He asked for no more and no less than that they should be allowed to share the fruits of the labours of the men and women of science, of history, and of education. He called loudly for the retention of the teaching of evolution in the schools of Relubbus, "despite the fact that evolution occasionally gives rise to such laughable aberrations as Mr Rosewarne and the fundamentalists".

This last comment brought the house down and Relubbus Central Hall, usually a seat of learned debate, was transformed into an arena of fast and furious combat between fundamentalists and the police, who, aided by Donkey Clemo, eventually prevailed.

It is understood that the teaching of Creationism will be confined to the many Methodist fundamentalist schools (or madrasas) in and around Relubbus.
ADVERTISEMENT
Come Dancing with Jemima Trevithick!!

You may be getting on now, but you haven’t got a Zimmer.
The light may now be fading, but there’s still a little glimmer.
So come now to Jemima’s and we’ll teach those feet to dance
And while you learn the steps, you might well also find romance!

Retired, but not yet got your Zimmer? Then "Get down and Boogie" at Jemima Trevithick’s dance studio for the elderly!

Jemima, pictured here on the left in mid-groove, caters specifically for people of advanced years, who, whilst still capable of independent, unsupported, motion are a little unsteady on their feet.

This is a specialist facility for the elderly and it has a number of features, which set it apart from other dance studios.

In a friendly way, Jemima shouts very loudly at everyone through a megaphone, so that there is no possibility of their not hearing instructions.

The dance floor has a super-absorbent covering, so that any "accidents" from the incontinent are soaked up without trace -- apart from the smell, of course. Jemima also sells incontinence pads for both men and women.

All dancers are sprayed with heavy perfume on arrival so that there is no embarrassing "old people smell" in the dance studio.

The music is provided from a wind up record player and half-price lessons are available to those people who volunteer to operate the record player.

Each lesson costs a mere £149.99, which is cheap at the price, given that all Jemima’s helpers are qualified geriatric nurses, none of whom have been expelled ignominiously from their previous jobs.

So, if you’d like to lose Mum or Dad for a few hours, just bring them down to Jemima’s!! Jemima’s -- at 14, Boswedden Lane Relubbus
CELEBRITY -- hidden in Relubbus
By Social & Arts correspondent Elsie Rescorla
Relubbus is an economic powerhouse, a fortress of financial strength, a paradise of cultural delights, a land of brilliance and of tolerance. It is, therefore, no surprise that it has, over the years, drawn thousands of the world’s rich and powerful and just plain famous to come and live within it. Although these "celebrities" tend to gather in the environs of the fashionable diplomatic quarter, Boswedden Lane, they have been buying properties all over Relubbus. So just who are these celebrities in our midst? The Roundup shines its torch on just a few of them.

Jennifer Aniston was captured in the photo on the left looking very relaxed whilst taking tea at Polly’s Kettle in Marazion.

Jennifer is an American screen star, pursued by paparazzi wherever she goes. However, in Relubbus and West Cornwall there are so many famous people that she can simply blend into the overall tapestry of glitterati.

When in Relubbus, she lives a simple life. She likes to walk her pet badger, "Uggles", along the beach in the early mornings. She enjoys catching fish, sitting on the harbour wall, and then devours them live and raw. She enjoys simple, playful fun of the sort to be gained from "accidentally" jamming an umbrella into the spokes of a passing wheelchair and watching the startled passenger topple out, whereupon she assumes the character of "Miss concerned", helping the victim back into the chair and even signing an autograph.

George Clooney (left) is another Hollywood star who finds that he can only really be himself in Relubbus. Heart-throb George has taken to living under the assumed name and character of one William Ladner, painter and decorator. The clever plastic surgery he has had done boosts the efficacy of his disguise.

His cover is further maintained by the fact that his live-in partner, Avril Blewett, is convinced that they have lived together for 32 years and knew each other at school before that.

George will not sign autographs, but he will be happy to quote you for any internal or external decorating.

Charles Dickens, the celebrated novelist, is alive and well living in Relubbus, at the ripe old age of 195. Having given up writing some 137 years ago, he slipped away from his Gad’s Hill Place home in Kent to try another way of life altogether. He came down to Relubbus to work as a road sweeper, and is particularly happy that his "patch" is the Boswedden Lane area, because that is where all the rich and famous can be seen.


Jilly Goolden, the UK TV wine expert, can be seen here (wearing a particularly heavy disguise) clutching her habitual "wakey wakey" breakfast glass of wine.

Down in Relubbus, Jilly assumes the name of Selena Curnow and works as a sofa, bed, and chair tester for the Kwop furniture store. Despite branching out into this new way of life, she just can’t let the old wine habits go.

Ming (pronounced "Menzies") Campbell is the former leader of the Liberal Party in the UK. Deemed, at 94, a little too old to be leading the party, he was edged out by his colleagues’ cold shoulder. With his charming partner, Eric (a professional Tarot card reader, masseur, and make-up specialist), he has now come to Relubbus. Eric has used his skills to give Ming that "Black and White Minstrel Show" look, which Ming loves, because it was one of his favourite TV programmes.


Tony Blair is finding it hard to adjust to no longer being the UK prime Minister. He is seen here leaving No 10 Trevaskis Lane (purchased purely because of the house number) in a picture sent in to us by his wife. He is on his way to his new job in Curries in Penzance, where he is specialising in the selling of washing machines and spin dryers, since computers and new televisions contain more gadgetry than he is comfortable with. He travels to work with his wife, who has got a job behind the counter in Warren’s.


Roundup Reporters challenge Oates’ Superstore divvy coupon forger!
By Crime correspondent Rendell Janner
Doughty Roundup reporters have been on the trail of a mystery man who has been making forgeries of dividend coupons issued by the R C Oates superstore in Relubbus. These valuable coupons, which can be cashed in at the store, carry nominal values of from 9 to 37 pence. So far, at the outset of its new dividend scheme, the Superstore has issued 7 coupons, all to the value of 11 pence. However, the market has now been flooded with forgeries. Five coupons, all in the highest value of 37 pence each, have been presented to the store for redemption.

R C Oates, the multi-mega-billionnaire and canny businessman owner of the Superstore immediately became suspicious, since he knew that only 7 coupons had been issued and also that he didn’t intend to issue any more. He contacted the editor of the Roundup and asked for help in tracing the forger. Reporter Alcibiades "Grubber" Trevorrow and photographer Xenophon "Snapper" Kelynack were duly despatched to track down the super criminal.

Using CCTV from the superstore, which held images of the criminal trying to cash in the coupons, Grubber and Snapper soon tracked down and dramatically cornered none other than Trencrom Polglaze -- as shown in the photograph left. Mr Polglaze will appear before magistrates next Thursday.



LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
THIS WEEK'S STAR LETTER wins a limited-edition pewter statuette of GRUC council leader Billy Spargo, specially designed for the Roundup by internationally-famed sculptress Dame Barbara Hepwitch (decd.) *

Dear Sir,

As a long-term resident of Relubbus (moved down from London 8 years ago) I find much of your publication -- in particular, the anti-royalty references -- offensive. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is a fine woman (as I know from a close acquaintanceship with her first husband) and does not deserve to be lampooned in this way.

The remainder of your rag I find incomprehensible. There seems to be a sub-culture in the area of which I was entirely unaware. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't speak the language.

Yours sincerely,
A.J. Cholmondely-Jackson (Major, retd.)

(The Roundup is always grateful to receive constructive criticism from its readers. To aid our English readers, we plan to publish further editions of our popular "Proper Job -- Cornish for the Non-Cornish" language tutorials. On the subject of the "Duchess of Cornwall", see our exposés of Lily Nichols. It is important to realize that the former Camilla Parker-Bowles and "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" are not the same person. Ed)

Dear Sir,

GRUC chairman Billy Spargo is a neighbour and good friend of mine and I can state categorically that he is NOT having an affair with Madame Sarcozy! And the rumours about the poodles are completely without foundation.

A publication of your undoubted probity and reputation should take more care in checking its sources!

Yours sincerely,
Annoyed, Relubbus (name and address supplied)
* Based on a design by Dame Barbara Hepwitch. Actual design by Tcheepo Plastics of Relubbus.
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

starring YUL BRYNNER, STEVE McQUEEN, ELI WALLACH


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

Poetry Corner
By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

It is our pleasure to be able to publish, from time to time, the less well known poetical works of the folk of West Penwith. One such less well known poet (though highly acclaimed by those who have had the pleasure of reading his works) is a Penzance chemist, who chooses to use a pseudonym to preserve his anonymity.

One of his more recent works focuses on the life of a chemist and we are proud to have the opportunity of publishing the poem here in full.

The Chemist

by Ranulph Oxyacetyline-Burner

When folk have problems with their motions
It is my task to brew up potions.
And this I do to stem the flow,
But, just as well, I can make them go.

If ladies fear the lines of age,
I have the wherewithal to assuage
Their need of ointments, creams, and waters --
To make their skin just like their daughters’.

For aches and pains of every sort
I have a solution that can be bought.
So if you are on a medical quest
Come straight to me, for I know best.

My shop is found on Market Jew,
From whence I have a splendid view
Of all that passes up and down
In this our most beloved town.

Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Amelia Tonkin (26) is a beauty therapist from Germoe. A gregarious girl, she says "I like bein’ out wi' me mates, ‘avin’ a laugh an’ a drink an’ a fag!" Having taken a first class degree in Astrophysics at Cambridge, she decided 5 years ago that she did not want a long term career, but preferred instead to get married and settle down in Cornwall and have kids. She now lives in the parental home and is learning to become a fully qualified beauty assistant at Tracey’s Hairstylist’s in Newbridge. She has spent the first three years becoming expert in fingernail painting and the time since then she has been working on feet. She says "I duh dearly luv doin’ this practical work and it’s much more interesting than what astrophysics was". Her ideal partner would be a trainee garage mechanic with a comparable astrophysical background. Box 5622 is the one for Amelia.

Joe Kelynack (34) is a British Gas engineer from Hayle. He has had some near misses in the romance stakes but, as he says, "A miss is a good as a mile -- I won’t be ‘appy till I’ve 'ad me first date!" Joe lives very much alone apart from his large goldfish and hamster collections, with which he spends a great deal of time in his quest to breed a "hamfish". Suffering, as he does, from virulent forms of OCD in matters of personal hygiene, interested young ladies will find that he is squeaky clean. He longs for real togetherness, which, for him, means being tucked up in bed with his jam-jams on next to the lady of his dreams, while she reads to him from his extensive Beano Annual collection till he falls into blissful sleep. If you would like to be the lady in Joe’s dream then write to Box 5671.


Tommy "Golem" Kneebone (24) is a member of the extreme Methodist fundamentalist group the Gwennap Gangsters. He is shown here at a secret location in St Ives Porthmeor beach, where he is in training to join the armed wing of the group, which is active and feared throughout Cornwall. He is looking for a "proper Cornish maid". However, she must be of the Gwennap persuasion herself. That means that she will remain fully covered (from head to foot) at ALL times, never speak or make noises (even during the daily beatings) and she must be able to make excellent pasties, which don’t break "when I’m on a mission!" Box 4592 if you are she!

Libby Liddicoat (25) from Tremethick Cross works at the St Erth Creamery as a shorthand typist for the manager. She is an activity girl and has lots of hobbies such as archery, hockey, underwater speed-knitting, and aerobic embroidery. She is also an avid collector -- of many different things such as cowpats and various animal droppings. She is particularly fond of collecting gentlemen’s wallets. She says that she is keen to take up line dancing with the right partner and is seeking a very specific sort of person.

Apparently, he must look just like George Clooney, have a car which costs as much as the average house, possess a pilot’s licence and have his own plane. He should have at least a couple of million in the bank. He should also live within walking distance of Tremethick Cross. She would like to have the pick of, at least, 6 people who fit the bill. If that’s you and you live in Tremethick Cross and lovely Libby is your sort of caring girl, then Box 6745 is the one for you!

Jemima Trevithick (29) from Perrananworthal is, at 3 foot 1 inch, a little on the short side. She works as a part-time cake decoration for Warrens Bakery. However she is very sensitive to any references to her small stature and is quite insistent that her man should be as tall as they come.

She does rather fancy a relationship with a basketball player or someone at least 7 foot tall. Jemima is a sweet and caring girl, who has simply not yet met the right man. She is a traditional home-maker, apart from her hobby of torturing kittens -- in which she displays an astounding inventiveness. Box 7894.

Baldence Bodinnar (32) is a ladies hairdresser living in Gurnard’s Head. He describes himself as a "sensitive" and would like to meet a young man of similar age and with a similarly wide parting. His hobbies are playing marbles and conkers. He has played the penny whistle in a folk band for some 14 years now (he wears a wig for such appearances) and is a competition class cabbage grower, who takes gardening very seriously indeed. The young man he hopes to meet will probably also be a hairdresser... from Marazion... called Dennis. So Dennis, if you are interested, "Baldence is willing". Write to Box 3391 (or call in at Hazel’s Hairfair in Newlyn).

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• ALARM IN CAPITAL AS CORNISH INVADE LONDON

• UNEXPECTED TWIST IN SARCOZY LOVE STORY

• CORNISH LANGUAGE INSTRUCTION IS BOOMING!

• BITTER FIGHTING ON HAYLE BORDER

• THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE IRANIAN EMBASSY

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!

Issue 14, 22nd October

EXCLUSIVE: RELUBBUS TO JOIN NUCLEAR CLUB
By political correspondent Rendell Janner and scientific editor Ron Spode

Rumours were rife amongst the Relubbus press corps last night of an imminent announcement that Greater Relubbus has become the latest member of the small group of nations to possess its own nuclear bomb.

For months, there have been reports of heightened activity around the secretive nuclear research facility in Boswedden Lane (shown left). Security around the site, always intense, has latterly reached unprecedented levels. Neighbours have been forbidden to exercise their dogs in the area, and have been required to black out bedroom windows that overlook the site.

Six weeks ago, Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) chairman Billy Spargo led a large scientific delegation to Iran, where he held extended talks with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It is an open secret that the two countries are eager to co-operate in the development of nuclear technology. In a sense they are natural allies, since both see themselves as under threat from larger, nuclear-capable states.

It could be argued that when, as announced, Relubbus becomes the 51st US state, it will fall under the American nuclear umbrella and will have no need of its own deterrent. Furthermore, the rapprochement with Iran will not go down well in Washington. However, Councillor Spargo is known to be unhappy about relying (in the short term, until the constitutional switch to the US is completed) upon a third-party deterrent. And he is conscious of the current shadow cast upon Relubbus by the UK nuclear capability.

If the rumours prove true, and Relubbus achieves a nuclear bomb before Iran, it will join an exclusive club that currently consists only of the USA, UK, Russia, France, China, India, Pakistan, Israel, and possibly North Korea.
RELUBBUS HAS "PASTY BOMB"
By scientific editor Ron Spode
I have it on good authority that the Relubbus nuclear deterrent, likely to be announced shortly, is not a conventional (no pun intended) atomic bomb. According to a senior source in GRAFT (the Greater Relubbus Advanced Fission Team) it is a ground-breaking neutron-emitting device.

"The beauty of the device", said my informant, "is that it has no effect on buildings and infrastructure, which are left entirely undamaged. There is no huge explosion, no nuclear fireball. Instead, on detonation intense streams of neutron particles are released in all directions. These pass harmlessly through buildings, but destroy all living organisms in their path -- or at least they would do, were it not for the inspired modification introduced by Professor Roskilly-Strangelove!

"The professor has cunningly added a DNA-sensitive filter to the device: Celtic DNA is shielded from the effects of the bomb, while Anglo-Saxon DNA is subject to its full force! Ergo, to rid Relubbus of English interlopers, one has only to detonate a "pasty-bomb" in the High Street!"

"But", I asked my informant, "what about us mongrels? What if you've got mixed DNA?"

"Ah", he admitted, "we still need to do some work on that. It's simply a fine-tuning of the filtering system. If you've got more than 50% Celtic DNA you should be OK."
Crowlas Centre of Spiritual Growth --
closed down pending investigation!
By Rendle Janner
Pictured below in happier times, Ebenezer "Zak" Boscathnoe (78) the Director of the self-styled Centre of Spiritual Growth in Crowlas, finds himself at the centre of a storm of outrage, following undercover work by the Relubbus Secret Security Police (Sergeant Jack "Donkey" Clemo).

The Centre was opened in March of this year and operated on Tuesday and Thursday nights out of the British Legion hall. The fairly steep admission charge of £150 per person dissuaded the idly curious from taking a look. However, even this high price did not deter a seemingly endless stream of folk from queuing patiently to gain admission to the mysteries held within.

Zak Boscathnoe is nothing if not controversial. Hailing originally from Sennen, he had an unremarkable career as a meter reader with the South Western Electricity Board for many years, although he did occasionally become associated with a whiff of suspicion of fraudulent activity. Further, twenty years ago, his name did crop up in connection with some shenanigans involving members of the Heamoor Second Girl Guide Troop, but nothing was proven.

Given this background, his sudden appearance on the scene as a spiritual guide gave rise to a few questions. Ugly rumours caused Billy Spargo (Leader of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council and, latterly, paramour of Madame Sarkozy) to send in the leader of the ultra-secret Relubbus Security Police ("Donkey" Clemo) for undercover investigation.

Donkey -- or "Big D" as he is known down at the White Hart -- came out with startling revelations and photographic evidence.

As the shocking picture on the left reveals, the "mysteries" seem to involve little more than the parading up and down of ex-members of the Heamoor Second Girl Guide Troop, clad only in feather boas and red paint. Big D commented to his mates down at the White Hart that this explained why all the visitors in the long queues were male. Before disappearing into the underworld in Hayle, Zak is reported to have attempted to defend the Centre and its strange practices by pointing out that visual stimulation and contemplation of beauty could spark and aid spiritual growth. Big D was of the opinion that localised physical growth was probably the only result of this shameless display.

The young lady in the picture has been identified as Miss Tamara Roskilly, a freelance lap dancer from Madron. She was not available for comment.

Spargo is pursuing a relentless crackdown on such "dives" as part of his "let’s put the family first" policies. Political observers also believe that the agenda is being driven by his fear of a backlash from the extremist Methodist fundamentalist groups, whose opinions are finding favour with large numbers of people in Kernow. Such groups also have militant wings and it is believed that the Spargo strike was aimed at staving off a more violent response from one of these groups.
CELEBRITY NEWS
Spotlight on Richard Head -- the man even other designers like to talk about!
With Court & Social editor Elsie Rescorla
Fashionable Crowlas designer Richard Head (32), pictured below in one of his latest creations, likes to stand out from the crowd. He holds to the same aspiration in all his design work -- it must stand out from the crowd.

A graduate of Relubbus Art College, he worked for a number of well-known Relubbus design houses before going solo and launching his own design house, DickHeads.

His aim is that his work should be instantly recognisable. "When someone is wearing my stuff, walking down Boswedden Lane or any other fashionable street in Relubbus, I want passers by to immediately recognise my creations and think, without hesitation, "Dickhead!"
For him it is not about designing something that looks trendy or arty, it is about developing a superbrand with instant recognition.

The hat he is wearing here was hand-knitted by his mother - to his design -- over a period of four winter months. Suitable only for outdoor wear or for use in a house with very high ceilings, the hat will retail for £14,000. Like any other Dickhead creation, it will be snapped up as soon as it is placed on sale.

Knitted items (usually knitted by his mother, but sometimes also by his Enty Doreen) feature significantly in the Dickhead range. So far he has produced the following items in knitted form -- underwear (male and female and incorporating hot water bottle for cold days); swimwear and diving gear (using special double-knit process from Enty Doreen); a toaster; a fridge; contraceptive sheaths; cutlery and garden implements.

Having now experimented widely in the use of wool, he believes that it will soon be time to move into another medium of artistic expression. Without going into specifics, he has suggested that the new season might see him launch a new clothing range, which, apart from the minimal use of bamboo, will be fashioned entirely from wood.

Despite the failure last year of his handbag range made from compacted cow manure,
one thing remains sure and that is that Richard Head will never abandon his commitment to use only natural materials for his creations. We wish Dickhead every success.
ADVERTISEMENT
BEAUTIFY YOUR GARDEN WITH A TREMBATH STATUE!
Fashionable Elsie Trembath is now available for hire to act as your garden statue! Pictured here on the left in her best outfit, Elsie (81) will stand in your garden for up to 30 minutes for £30. For an extra £15, she will remain absolutely motionless! For an additional £20, she will not speak at all. Most importantly, for an extra £25 and to comply with the Clean Air Act, she will do her best to avoid emitting smells.

For those interested in having an all-day statute, Elsie is prepared to do her best, but she will have to insist on having 10 minute breaks every hour, when she will also need a resuscitating cup of tea. Meals at meal-times should also be provided. All you need pay to have your garden graced by Elsie all day is a mere £1,500 plus VAT.

For those members of the Relubbus public worrying that there just isn’t enough of Elsie to go around, you will be greatly relieved to hear that she is training some of her friends from the Home to undertake sub-contracted statue duties.

Finally, in the summer months, and for a consideration of an additional £5,000 per day, Elsie is prepared to do a "nude standing" (absolutely no movement!) for those of you who seek the Roman statue effect for the more formal garden.

So, folk of Relubbus,
Do not delay,
Book your statue
With Elsie today

RELUBBUS BALLET PROPER -- ANOTHER SUCCESS!
By Ballet Correspondent Augustus Ironing-Board
On the left is the building of the internationally renowned Relubbus Ballet Proper, situated in Boswedden Lane, in the highly fashionable diplomatic district of Relubbus.

Yesterday evening, this was the scene of an astoundingly innovative breakthrough in the world of performance arts, when Ms Doris Tregonning (56) staged her version of Swan Lake.

Doris is, of course, well known amongst the children of West Penwith for her hilariously funny glove puppet theatre.xxxxxx

However, this is believed to be the first glove puppet performance of Swan Lake ever staged anywhere in the world.

All six seats of the front row of the theatre were packed out for this "first" in the history of ballet. Seated next to me, and barely able to contain his excitement at the cultural feast before us, was none other than the Cultural Secretary of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC), Billy Peninula (71), shown in the picture below chatting to Ms Tregonning before the show

Possessed of a curious nervous tic that causes him to emit gas loudly at both ends simultaneously, Billy made for a rather testing seating companion, particularly in the more poignant moments of the ballet, but it was indeed an honour to have him there representing the GRUC on this opening night.

The crowd of ballet devotees who made up the audience crouched forward in their seats as the House staff manhandled the modified Punch and Judy stage into the auditorium and onto the centre of the main stage.

When silence is born of expectation -- it is loud, it is palpable, almost visible. So it was yesterday evening just before the show -- punctuated for me at regular intervals by Billy’s involuntary eructations and explosive flatulence on my left.

Then, Doris stepped on to the stage and moved across to take up her position behind the modified Punch and Judy stage.

It was only then that we realised that the orchestra pit was completely empty. The same question then went through the minds of all 6 of us, "Where will the music come from?". Some speculated whether Larry Botheras and his triangle might be making an unscheduled appearance, until someone else remarked that he was booked all week for performances down at the Bald Duck.

Further speculation was quashed by an admonition delivered in her characteristically strident voice by Doris, who called out from behind the Punch and Judy "Quiet please! I’m startin’ neow!"

Like some deafening gas, silence descended in folds over us, disturbed only by Billy’s customary and strangely rhythmic eruptions. Then we heard the opening bars of the ballet: they were being hummed -- loudly, clearly, triumphantly -- by Doris.

Yes, to our amazement, she was intending not only to perform the ballet with her glove puppets, she was going to hum the music as well! A feast indeed!

What then followed simply melts in my memory into a continuous intoxicating flow of beguiling glove-puppetry skills, of consummate artistry and uplifting gracefulness. One could only wonder how two hands could manage to play so many roles simultaneously and do so with such detailed finesse? How could they indeed do so, whilst the mind of the puppeteer is also focussed on reproducing the music of the ballet with astounding accuracy in hummed form. It was a breathtaking performance!

The whole audience was held in a trance of concentration from start to finish. When the end came, we all issued a deep sigh of pleasured exhaustion, of awe-struck wonder, before Billy led us, with a few igniting gaseous emissions in the most thunderous applause.

It was an evening I -- and the assembled audience -- shall never forget.
Editorial, by THE THUNDERER

PASTY BOMB IS IMMORAL
Editor Sylvanus Penhaul gives the Roundup's verdict on Relubbus's new deterrent

The provocations meted out to Relubbus by the English state are too well known to need rehearsing here. Nonetheless, the so-called "pasty bomb" is not the answer. Its indiscriminate targeting of non-Celtic people amounts to racism of the most extreme and evil kind. Furthermore, it is a short-sighted and stupid response to a legitimate grievance. Relubbus (and Kernow) need all the help they can get from the English, not to alienate them completely!

Most of us in these islands are mongrels. The most patriotic Cornish person invariably has English friends and family members. Many of us are half-English ourselves! Due to our long history of inter-marriage and "fraternization", some of us may be half-English and not even know it!

The issue is not racial but cultural. If we are to preserve whatever is left of our Cornish culture we need the support of all the people of Cornwall -- whether they regard themselves as Cornish, English, Cornish-English, English-Cornish, Cornish-British, or indeed anything else!

So, if you regard yourself as in any sense "Cornish" -- by birth, marriage, residence, remote ancestry, or empathy -- or you simply love Cornwall and think its culture worth preserving, we need your help!
ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!

ZORBA THE GREEK

starring ANTHONY QUINN, ALAN BATES, and IRENE PAPAS


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.

OBITUARY
SUDDEN DEATH OF RENOWNED RELUBBUS SCIENTIST
Professor Percy Roskilly-Strangelove, the enfant d'or (some would say enfant terrible) of the Relubbus scientific community, has died suddenly at the age of 55. Colleagues say he was conducting a typically daring experiment when he died.

German on his mother's side (his mother, Ute von Klum, was Professor of Theoretical Physics at the University of Ulm, while his father, Billy Roskilly, was an itinerant agricultural labourer from Praze-An-Beeble) Professor Roskilly-Strangelove inherited all his mother's acute scientific intelligence and some of his father's lack of common sense. Because his mother was previously married to the English physicist Edward Strangelove, young Percy became known as Percy Roskilly-Strangelove.

Roskilly-Strangelove was best known as the flamboyant head of the Relubbus Nuclear Research Laboratory. If, as is widely anticipated, the GRUC announces that Relubbus has the Bomb, it is inevitable that Roskilly-Strangelove will become known as "the father of the Relubbus bomb", or perhaps, simply, "the Pasty Bomber".

Perhaps jealous of his posthumous celebrity, a few former colleagues have dropped hints that Roskilly-Strangelove's methods were not always as rigorous as strict scientific orthodoxy demands. "I believe at the time of his death he may have been supervising a controlled explosion of a small prototype Pasty Bomb. It would have been typical of him to forget, in the excitement of the moment, that he had Saxon blood on his mother's side..."
ADVERTISEMENT
Penrose Private Hospital. Medical treatment in Luxury!
We all greatly prize the National Health Service, but we also know the pressures under which it operates, which sometimes mean that we do not get the treatment we need when we want it.

The Penrose Private Hospital revolutionises the world of private health and, through its innovative approach, will hopefully win over those for whom the very subject of private health care seems to raise insuperable moral objections.

The Penrose is a glittering new development, enjoying the benefit of the very best in premises, staff and equipment. It is, of course, available to any toffs who can afford to pay. However, for every one paid operation, the Penrose will offer the same operation -- free! -- to a member of the deserving poor.**

On the left we show a picture of the completed development -- The Penrose - in its charming rural location on the outskirts of Camborne.

Here patients will not only get the very best in private health care, but they will also enjoy the luxury of 10 star hotel accommodation.

This Oates-Trevaskis development has spared no expense in creating a dream hospital with facilities that will be the envy of every medical establishment in the world.

The Penrose has a welcome desk with lady (Mrs Edna Hollis) to take your credit card details (or cash) on arrival. You will then be taken to one of the three private rooms. Each room has the benefit of:

• A luxury camp bed with sheets changed monthly
• Toilet bucket (you don’t even have to leave the room!) with lid (less whiff!)
• A wind-up radio (environmentally friendly)
• Towels changed every month
• Wash handbasin (with plumbing to follow soon!)
• Extra blanket for the winter months

The care team consists of:

• Mr Mohammed Al Wajid al Wahab (42), a fully trained chiropodist from Cairo. Mohammed is very quick with his use of the phrasebook and can be expected to catch on very quickly with the diagnosis of your ailments. Mohammed is also the chief surgeon and is happy to have a go at anything, no matter how complex.

• Miss Peggy Hosking (51), the anaesthetist and nurse. As the former barmaid of the Bald Duck, she is expert in inducing inebriation to the degree required for major surgery of all types. Equipped with her Guide’s badge for First Aid, she is eminently qualified to assist in all matters medical.

In the interest of saving you money, the operating theatre also doubles up as the kitchen.

On the left can be viewed the great range on which a full, life-restoring, Cornish breakfast (including hogs pudding!) can be prepared, to be followed a few minutes later by the heating of scalding pans of water to wash down the table prior to an operation and to heat up the surgical implements (Mohammed’s Swiss Army knife).

As the first heavily inebriated patient is assisted in by Peggy, Mohammed hastily chases around his phrase book to locate the correct Arab equivalent of what it is he is being requested to do. No challenge is too great for him, as he accepts all outcomes with the resignation of one for whom fate determines all.

Despite this acceptance of the inevitability of the hand of fate, he is always plucky enough to have a go and do his best, even if the English-to-Arabic translated task appears impossible, such as last week’s hysterectomy performed on an 81 year old man. (Worried readers will be reassured to know that the patient was only charged (posthumously) for the in-growing toenail he had wanted treated and not for the much more expensive hysterectomy!)

Detailed prices available on application. By way of indication, same day ambulant treatment costs on average £4,000. A four day package costs on average £20,000.

The Penrose offers treatment for the body and balm for the conscience!!

** To win a free operation, the "deserving poor" must pass three simple control tests:

1. Write an 80,000 word essay in Middle High German on the origins of Heroic poetry
   
2. Win an underwater ironing competition
   
3. Predict the winning numbers in the National Lottery four times in a row

THE ROUNDUP VISITS THE AUSTRALIAN EMBASSY
There are those that would designate the Cornish as a minority ethnic group in Britain. This is about as senseless -- or sensible -- as designating the English as a minority ethnic group on the planet. It is far more appropriate to observe that the Cornish are the majority ethnic group in Kernow, with a sizeable diaspora.

One significant population of expatriate Cornish can be found in Australia. (The Editor pauses to greet our many Aussie readers!) For this reason, it was a particular pleasure to be able to call upon the outback-style hut which serves as the Australian Embassy in Relubbus, where we were the guests of the extremely hospitable Oz Ambassador, His Excellency ("You can cut out all that 'Excellency' crap, mate!") Billy Baragwanna.

Let Billy speak for himself. "Like all good Aussies, I absolutely hate Pommie bastards. But, as we all know, Kernow and Relubbus are not England, which is the cesspit of anglo-arsed preciosity -- they deserve to get whipped in rugby and cricket and even tiddlywinks, if they still play that in Pomland.

"As my name gives away, I am of Cornish origin. Back in 1820, my ancestor stole bread, because he didn’t have a farthing to scratch his arse with, could get no work and had to feed a family. He got transported -- from Relubbus - to the land of Oz. That’s why I am so pleased to be able to return to to represent my country here in the rich and vibrant diplomatic community of Relubbus -- my spiritual homeland... Yn Gernow lowen ov."
Throughout our whole stay, Billy was careful to ply us with tins of "Dark and Stormy" from Queensland -- a powerful brew that somehow never seemed to leave you satisfied -- you always came back for more.

Following several tens of tins of "Dark and Stormy", I fell up against the window and, steadying myself, glimpsed the strangest dog I had ever seen. Contentedly urinating into a bucket, Billy confided that this was no ordinary dog, this was his special dog, a fine example of a native Aussie breed, that bears a striking, though passing, resemblance to the kangaroo. Billy explained that this type of dog, the Queensland Heeler, was an Australian speciality bred for the herding of cattle. Inquisitive, intelligent and good-humoured, the Heelers make ideal family pets as well as working dogs.

Billy’s dog, Oscar, was particularly intelligent and came in handy around the embassy in assisting with incoming mail and drafting suitable replies. All he required in return for completing these special duties was his own supply of "Dark and Stormy".

Oscar is pictured on the left, as he sets out for an afternoon stroll. Like all dogs he needs plenty of exercise but, given his extremely high intelligence, he does not need to be accompanied by a human when out for walkies.

As part of his role in promoting Australia, Billy has used some of his time in Relubbus to promote the sale of Queensland Heelers to English people. He is very careful not to make any such sales to the Cornish.

Billy has no plans to return to Oz. When his tour of duty ends, he is thinking of resigning from the Australian Diplomatic service and settling down in St Buryan -- with Oscar. The only thing that he will miss and needs to get sent over especially from Oz is his beloved "Dark and Stormy".

After a few more tins, it was time for me to go and I slowly tried to peel my semi-comatose body from the seat in which it seemed to have permanently moulded itself. It had been a bonzer visit.
Lonely Hearts -- they need love too!

They yearn for someone - just like you.
If your heart’s desire is here today
Then write in fast -- without delay!

Bill Trevorrow (23) is an apprentice electrician from Gurnard’s Head. He has been held back in the love stakes by the fact that he is still very attached to his little brother. As many men have found, little brothers can get in the way of an otherwise blossoming relationship with a young lady. In Bill’s case, the spiteful vindictive nature of his "little brother", Tom, has sabotaged all liaisons to date, with the three young ladies involved all having to be taken to hospital for urgent treatment.

Bill believes that a relationship is possible, if the chosen young lady will also pay some attention to Tom, when canoodling with him. Apparently, Tom loves being stroked under his fang, becoming very docile and unlikely to attack for several minutes afterwards. If you want to make a lonely man happy and like the idea of having a ‘little bruv’ about, then Box 4562 is the one for you.



Terry Angwin (26) is a very shy young man whose unusual looks have made it difficult for him to form relationships. He works, part-time, as a nightclub doorman at Godolphin Cross, living in a nearby beach hut. He is a passionate cook, liking nothing better than to rip into living small creatures with his bare teeth. His ambition is to appear as one of the helpers in a garden makeover TV programme. He would love to meet a girl, but failing that would just like to "hang out" or "chill" with young people of his own age. Terry is waiting to hear from you at Box 5620.

Des Polkinghorne (33) is a double glazing fitter from Hayle, who, after a messy divorce, would like to have "another crack at that marriage thing". Des admits that he is a bit of a Mummy’s boy. His Mum makes all his clothes for him and insists on living with her only child, "particularly as my ‘usbant 'as bin taken from me" in a motor bike accident 12 years ago.

Des hands his Mum his wages at the end of the week and is given some sweets and pocket money, which his Mum will let him share with any new girlfriend he is lucky enough to find.

Des’s Mum says that he will be allowed to take a girl out in the evenings, but that she will have to make sure he is back home for his supper at 8.30 pm sharp.

If you want to share Love Hearts with Des, Box 7629 is the one for you.



Michaela Rosewarne is a 21 year old lovely who wanted to become a nun. However, she found that the uniform was far too long and didn’t show off her legs, so she has knocked that idea on the head. Michaela lives at home in Gulval with Mum and Dad and her two brothers. Being the baby of the family, she has always been used to getting her own way. She helps out in Dad’s butcher’s shop on the till.

Her hobbies are make-up, doing her hair, doing her nails, reading ("OK", "Hello" and other such titles), listening to the radio and watching telly ("I’ve never missed ANY of the soaps since I was 12!!"). Michaela says is looking for a man who will appreciate her for her mind. If that’s you, it’s Box 4623.



Leslie Trewella (23) is an interesting challenge. After thorough investigations, Leslie has been found to be completely asexual, having none of the usual tell-tale organs. Leslie has no particular romantic feelings for either sex, nor does he/she feel any allegiance towards either sex. Leslie lives alone, in a social vacuum, in an abandoned Ford Cortina Mark III in a field near Rosudgeon. Although Leslie claims benefit, he/she does some part time work as a sign post at Marazion.

Leslie has no particular interests or hobbies and just likes to keep quiet. He/she would like to try a relationship to see what it is all about, but warns that any attempt whatever to get physical will be rebuffed, violently if necessary. Box 8846

Linda Polwhele (28) is a vivacious and curvaceous jewel of a girl from Nancledra. Linda has a doctorate in music and is a teacher of music at Relubbus Cathedral School. Originally from Fowey, Linda has her own house and car and now lives alone. She would like to meet a professional man to share her life, but to date her busy lifestyle has made meeting that special person difficult.

She loves reading (is fluent in French and Italian), enjoys theatre (has a season ticket for the Relubbus Panopticon Theatre), plays hockey and tennis and is a very enthusiastic cook. She is the current President of the Cornish Toad-Flattening Society and would ideally like to meet a man who shares her interest in flattening toads. (It is done with a mallet.)

Box 4992 is the one for you, if you would like to make Linda a part of your life.

YOUR STARS

with Breton mystic Maurice Labalge

He’s the mystic they all think terrific

Because his predictions are completely specific!

Astrology is an ancient science. Its premise is that the relative positioning of the planets at the time of our birth -- and indeed throughout our lives -- determines what happens to us.

Many charlatans operate by the dim light of astrology and their words are not worth listening to at all. The Roundup is pleased and honoured to have secured the services of one of the true greats in the world of mysticism -- Monsieur Maurice Labalge. His name is a byword for accuracy, honesty and truth throughout his native Brittany. Our most faithful readers will also have come to appreciate, through experience, the startling veracity of his statements.

Aries Not for nothing did Shakespeare compose his sonnets. Awake! This is the time of great love in your life. You have long waited to meet such a man. He is here. Do not stalk him, but walk with him and, fixing him with a lovelorn look that reflects the depth of your feeling, sing the sonnets to him. You will soon know the warmth of his love!

Also, the motor bike is likely to start playing up again this month, even after the servicing last month. It is time to take it back down there and let them know you are not going to put up with this sort of thing any longer.

Taurus Not everyone can win the lottery and the stars do not foretell a win for you -- ever. However, there are many honest ways in which to make a fortune. The obvious way for you to make a fortune is to open a cycle repair and servicing workshop in the back of Bread Street, Penzance. You should call this shop Richard's. Well, what are you waiting for?

Gemini Last month was a difficult one for you. Your husband did not have to be so openly cruel in the matter of a separation. However, the stars are fair and even-handed in their treatment of us all. The git will pay for it this month and your stars will be riding high! I would suggest a visit to the STD clinic.

Cancer That mysterious bad smell will come back again with a vengeance. Scrubbing vigorously with carbolic soap every day will help you, but be prepared to put up with snide comments from colleagues until it is gone. Mrs Pengelly’s cat will be in your garden after the birds again.

Leo It is hard being a teenaged boy, but you have got to keep on going. Do not allow your feelings to be buffeted about by the happenings of the day. Pick a fight with someone and give them a real pasting -- you might feel better -- before you get arrested. You will get arrested anyway -- for the theft I warned you not to commit!

Virgo When you get home, remove your clothes, put on the mask and lie in the bath, whilst enjoying a glass of Babycham. When your husband gets back, he can run the bath with warm water and you can relax while he cooks for you. You deserve to be spoilt, you deserve the very best of times -- to make up for the horrors which await you at the end of the week. It is too awful to even write about it!

Libra You have been thinking about the amputee lady who lives on Gwavas Estate. You can’t stop wondering, can you? Wearing your green mac and PINK training shoes (acquire them!), go to Andrewartha's next Tuesday morning at 10.30 and events will unfold to your great satisfaction.

Scorpio At 5.30 this afternoon, leave your house. Walk up Alexandra Road. Turn right and keep going until you get to the Greenmarket. She will be waiting for you, or so you think. You will approach her. Out of nowhere a fist will connect to your jaw, flooring you. It is her husband. Of course, now that you have read these words, you may decide to avoid this unpleasant fate. That would be wise.

Sagittarius You have known for some time that your hair colour is not right for you. You will need to change it again now. The stars all say that, despite your comparative youth, a blue rinse would suit you well. Visit the dentist urgently and you might be in time to save the tooth that the stars say is under grave threat. The "lost" library ticket is actually under last week’s Radio Times in the front room. Be tidy!

Capricorn I did counsel you strongly against plastic surgery, but you wouldn’t listen. However, accepting a nose-job from Trembath’s mobile car-tuning and facial surgery unit was reckless in the extreme. Off to Treliske with you, you silly girl. The TV licensing people will be checking down your road next week.

Aquarius Beware of dwarves, midgets, children, and indeed any small people on Thursday morning. Tomorrow, when you open the new marmalade and notice that it smells badly, be duly warned -- it has accidentally been poisoned. The next few weeks will seem dull in comparison with what eventually comes in three months' time. But beware, there is always a price to pay -- in your case, a high one.

Pisces It is always a great joy and a pleasure to be able to be the bringer of good news to people. Unfortunately, I am not able to do that for you today -- quite the reverse. Death and divorce are two of the most stressful things we have to deal with in life. The stars do reveal that there is a strong chance that someone living within 50 miles of you is going to suffer one or other, or indeed both, of these events during the next few decades. It will not upset you unduly, as you do not even know the person concerned, but you should try to feel more empathy. Car insurance is up for renewal next month.
IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• IMMIGRANTS "MUST LEARN CORNISH"

• CREATIONISM IN OUR SCHOOLS -- the debate!

• CELEBRITY -- hidden in Relubbus. Court & Social Correspondent Elsie Rescorla uncovers the international celebrities leading hidden lives in Relubbus.

• Roundup Reporters challenge Oates’ Superstore divvy coupon forger!

• NEW: our "LETTERS TO THE EDITOR" section
  

• Our celebrated Poetry Corner, with our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

• Our socially-responsible Lonely Hearts section

• And much, much more!