ENGLISH HERITAGE ADMIT MISTAKES

BUT REQUIRE LOCAL HELP TO PUT THINGS RIGHT

To their credit, English Heritage have finally taken on board the depth of resentment in Cornwall about Cornish Celtic and pre-Celtic sites being administered by an unelected body calling itself "English Heritage", under a banner based on the red-and-white flag of England.

Speaking at EH's South Western headquarters in Bristol yesterday, EH South West's Chief Administrative Officer, Mr Kyron Bunt, admitted:

"We got it wrong. It was a crass error to annex Cornish Celtic sites in the name of English heritage, and we apologize profusely. As evidence of our regret and good intentions, we intend to redesign our Cornish logo and flag. In future, instead of the standard red-and-white English Heritage emblem, in Cornwall only we shall be using a new design, based on the flag of St Piran.

The newly designed English Heritage flag for Cornwall, flying at Launceston Castle

"Unfortunately, due to budget and manpower restraints, we won't be able to replace the signs, logos, and flags at all our Cornish sites immediately. In fact, it could take several years.

"For this reason, we are asking the Cornish public to assist us. Please help us by overwriting the old, red-and-white English Heritage logo, wherever you find it, with the new, "St Piran" version. While you're about it, it would also be a good idea to replace the "English rose" logo that occurs on many road signs that point to tourist destinations. On metal surfaces such as road signs, you will find black and white enamel paints very useful for this purpose.

The recommended way to amend "English rose" road signs

"The other items we need to replace, in Cornwall, are the old-design flags. Again, our limited budget prevents us from doing this in a timely fashion. We would be most grateful, therefore, if members of the public could donate St Piran flags, and replace the old flags with these. This would be a very worthwhile donation to Cornish heritage."

The Roundup salutes the management of English Heritage for its humility, courage, and foresight and strongly encourages all readers to help as much as they can with the re-branding exercise in Kernow. Why wait?? Why not start this week?? Why not start today??

OUTRAGE OVER COST OF NEW LAMORNA BUS SHELTER!!

Council Leader Accused of Condoning "Unjustifiable Expense"
By Planning Correspondent Rendell Janner

Yesterday's meeting of the Greater Relubbus Urban District Council (GRUC) was the scene of vitriolic exchanges between Councillor Pascoe Trembath and Council Leader Billy Spargo, as the former accused the latter of condoning reckless spending in the case of the new Lamorna Cove bus shelter, pictured below.

The new shelter cost some £24.5 million and took two years to construct. It is highly ornate and accordingly somewhat different from the usual Western National bus shelter.

Mr Spargo stated forcefully that the structure would add to the appeal of Lamorna Cove and that its construction had kept good Cornishmen in employment over the two year period.

Mr Spargo also pointed out that the construction company concerned was a start-up company -- Relubbus Erections -- run by two Relubbus boys just out of school, one being the nephew of Mr Spargo's wife. How much more Cornish could one get than that?

It is not only the outside of the building that is so highly ornate. Inside too, it is a delight to the eye: the interior, which was separately priced, cost an additional £24.5 million.

The shelter, which can accommodate a queue of some 400, has a strong religious theme. We show here the corner of the building which houses the high altar. The shelter will be manned by two priests, who will hold services and take confession whilst passengers wait for the once-weekly bus service to Penzance to arrive.

Councillor Trembath worked himself up to a fit of fury as he spat out one "bleddy" after another in righteous indignation over the level of expenditure.

Councillor Spargo, a wily veteran of angry exchanges in the chamber, himself grew visibly more and more annoyed by the high-pitched squealing emanating from his Council colleague. But then, like an elephant demolishing a beetle with a deliberate plodding foot, he called out to Councillor Trembath what must be the ultimate put-down, "Asshole, you duh think you're so smuckin' fart!"

As the council chamber dissolved into a wash of helpless laughter at this display of original wit, the crestfallen Trembath picked himself up from his chair and silently dragged himself from the chamber -- a defeated man.

'ODGO SEMMENS - 'CORNISH FARE"

By our Poetry Correspondent, Alice Chirgwin-Jacka

The restlessly creative poetic genius of Colinsey Road, Penzance -- 'Odgo (the 'dg' is pronounced as in 'Stodge') Semmens -- has, following a recent visit to The Buttery at the top of Morrab Road, been inspired to pick up his pen again.

As the Roundup receives thousands of requests for his works each day, we are pleased to be able to publish this latest work, which he wrote before being rushed into hospital for emergency treatment in respect of his sky-high cholesterol levels.

Cornish Fare

When St Peter, 'ungry at the gate, sets down to take a bite,
It is the noble pasty on which 'ee sets 'is sight.
Fer pasty is a seemly meal to take at any time,
An it duh go down proper wi' a drop of Adam's wine.

When Mawther asks ee tuh come in tuh drink a cup o' tay
You'll get a slice of 'eavy cake and that'll make yer day.
'Er 'eavy is the lightest cake that you could come to know
'An you'll be glad for one more slice when it is time to go.

But, there is one vision in my mind -- a picture clear and steady
An image pure of Cornwall's best - for which I am ever ready.
An' if you're Cornish too, my friend, you'll recognise my dream --
A slice or two of saffron cake an' a 'uge git dolp o' cream.

Odgo

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SWF - SPARGO GIVES HIS BLESSING!!

by Language Correspondent Adelaide Lilicrap

The Single (sometimes 'standard') Written Form (SWF) of Kernewek or Cornish has been the subject of controversy right from the very start. For some years, proponents of competing versions of the Cornish Language have been pitted against one another in a life or death struggle to see their own version prevail. The arrival of the SWF is seen by some to be nothing other than a poor political fudge, engineered by a politically correct Committee, whose product has all the effectiveness of any other "committee horse" with 5 legs and two tails, but no head.

However, the internationally acclaimed Relubbus Philological Institute has now thrown its considerable weight behind the SWF and enjoys the full backing of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC). In fact, Council workers have already been seen out changing street signage throughout Relubbus.

The picture on the left shows a Council worker, Mr Ezekiel Trevains (57) putting the finishing touches to a controversial SWF road instruction. The word is pronounced 'Stop', but is spelt in accordance with the directions of the hard-working SWF Committee.

Reaction has not been mixed. Mr Tommy Polkinghorne (45) Leader of the Revised Late Cornish with smart West Penwith pronunciation faction (2 speakers - Tommy and Mrs Polkinghorne) declared the SWF "a bleddy disaster or 'dezastre', as they would spell it".

Mr Pol Jago (39), a fully qualified hairdresser and Druid and Leader of the Unrevised Unified Proper Cornish faction (7 speakers, of whom 2 are fluent!) stated huffily, "I aren't even gwain to comment!".

The Leaders of the 38 other Cornish language variants all criticised the SWF and swore to keep their own variant of the language alive - to their very deaths.

In the face of this onslaught from the language community, GRUC Leader, Mr Billy Spargo (92) was grim-faced and unrepentant. "Ow the 'ell ken we 'ave a viable language in Cornwall, when all they language boys duh do is squabble about oo's version is right. I duh say to they - Quit squabblin an git workin together. Git be'ind this 'ere SWF and mak' un work!!"

Prinz Hans Adam II of Liechtenstein, on a State visit to Relubbus, joined Billy Spargo on the steps of the magnificent Council building in Boswedden Lane and, in his own special way, which met with stunned and probably highly confused silence, added his voice to the call for unity in the Cornish language movement "If we had various forms of ze language in Liechtenstein had, had we never ze economic success had!"

After some hesitation, the assembled crowd applauded enthusiastically, before all three of them dispersed. On Spargo's instructions, Language teaching has now been halted in all 450 Kernewek Institutes throughout Relubbus so that the 1400 language teachers (representatives of the 38 competing versions) can agree one form to teach.

They are being locked up in the Relubbus Methodist Central Hall with no food or water and just the one toilet roll so as to focus their minds. They will be released only once they have achieved complete agreement.

Diary notes for Readers. We are frequently asked what is coming up next by our readers, in particular by five persistent folk, who, apparently speaking from the cramped confines of a telephone box, describe themselves as 'Cornish MPs'. The Roundup will be investigating their claim to be "representing Cornwall".

For the present, the members of the Roundup's 24 person Editorial Council working with Mr Sylvanus Penhaul are content for it to be known that the next three items - in order - will be a work from the great 'Odgo, the tale of the Lamorna Bus Shelter fiasco and the 'English' Heritage story's unexpected, but pleasing, outcome.

LONELY HEARTS THAT YEARN FOR YOU

The Roundup has achieved enormous success in bringing together lonely people who are looking for love in West Cornwall.

Indeed, following the international attention the Roundup has received after its perceptive coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest, it may well be that some of our international readers might like to make contact with some of the special people we present today.

We do also invite international readers to view our older posts covering such interesting items as politics with insightful articles on Bush/Putin, Sarkozy and with special focuses on foreign embassies in Relubbus ; culture with a particular emphasis on poetry and music; and a host of other fascinating offerings including our famous FREE dating facility - Lonely Hearts. Don't forget to POST A COMMENT before you go.

We make no charge for our Lonely Hearts service and simply regard its free provision as being another hallmark of socially responsible journalism. Here are some more folk who are looking for love... from you?

Willy Bosiddick (32) is a well-known milkman from Rosudgeon, the gay capital of West Cornwall. Despite living in this "den of Sodom", as it has been designated by a succession of Methodist fundamentalist preachers, Willy is firmly heterosexual in orientation. He is, in fact, also married with 7 children. Having been married to the same person since the age of 16, he now wishes to experiment further, though only with willing single women, as he fervently insists, revealing a concealed poetic bent, "Despite coming from 'ere (Rosudgeon), I ain't bleddy queer!"

Willy insisted on being photographed wearing this papier mache head so that his wife, Rosemary, wouldn't recognise him. As he says "If she duh see this and duh knaw i's me, I'll get bleddy 'ell." We did try to warn him... Ladies, if you are interested in a man who claims to be the soul of discretion itself, then Box 5682 is the one for you.

Horton Baragwaneth (29) is a fully qualified dentist with his own surgery in Zennor. Horton is a sensitive man, who was badly hurt by an affair some years ago with a girl who worked in the Warrens shop in Market Jew Street. Having been single for some years now -- after his unfortunate affair -- Horton is ready to try again with someone who could share the interests he has acquired in the interim.

Horton is a collector. He has never thrown a tooth away and now has 1,769 samples, all labelled. Branching our from dentistry, he also has one of the largest stool samples in West Cornwall, thanks to the specially adapted patients' toilet in his surgery. He eagerly admits that he is only 27 away from his first 1,000 in this collection. Ladies, if you would like to share Horton's life and his collections, write in to Box 4571.

Irene Upton O'Good (42) is an Irish potter working in Sancreed. Irene took up pottery during her second stretch in prison. Shy about past achievements, she will not say what she was in for, beyond saying that "it will be the last time that bastard ever screws another woman". She is a member of the Sancreed branch of Pyromaniacs Anonymous.

A gifted virtuoso castanets player, Irene is devoted to developing her artistic side. She does not wish to return to prison and is therefore looking for a quiet relationship with a man (or woman, a taste acquired in prison) who can offer a home to her and her thirty two pet weasels. Box 7629

Terry/Teri Angwin (25) is a tranvestite electrician from Hayle. A bearded, 25 stone, club-footed hulk of a man, he is able -- in the evenings -- to transform himself into the dream young woman on the left and assumes the name Teri.

Terry plays in the back row for the Cornish Pirates rugby team, none of whom know about his feminine side, although Terry tells us that he had a hot night with one of them when he had put on his make-up to become Teri. Clearly a complex character, Terry/Teri would like a relationship with an understanding man, who would accept Terry's life as an electrician and a rugby player. Box 5683

Madron Pengelly (56) is a butcher from St Just, who was divorced from his second wife just a year ago, after she discovered him in the cellar with their Labrador dog.

Madron is a keen member of the Old Cornwall Society, a member also of two different male choirs, and is a bellringer. He still plays with the Meccano set he received as boy of ten and enjoys all card and board games.

He is pictured here with his organ, his favourite possession, and would like to find someone new in his life who will enjoy his organ as much as he does. As a bachelor he lives on shop pasties and Jelbert's ice cream. His dream will be complete if he can find "a good woman, 'oo can cook proper!" Box 5673

Gaspar Ruiz (76) is a former Cardinal from the USA, who retired to Cornwall following certain allegations. Conspicuous in Tremethick Cross because he still wears all the regalia of his former office, Gaspar is on orders to keep a low profile. He has joined the local Men's knitting circle and has also joined the queue for a place in the Tregavarah Bowls Club.

A keen pipe smoker -- getting through two tins of Dunhill's Early Morning pipe tobacco each day -- Gaspar is keen to form a pipe-smoking club in Tremethick Cross. He is keen to hear from anyone -- man or woman -- who would like to join his club. He would be particularly keen to hear from anyone else in Tremethick Cross who wears -- or would like to wear -- clerical garb like him. Box 5734.

BLOC VOTING ENSURES EUROVISION SUCCESS FOR RELUBBUS

Report on the Eurovision Song Contest by Cultural Correspondent, Gissa Tune

STOP PRESS, Saturday 24th May, 4:30 p.m.: Relubbus's success in the contest is now virtually assured, after it was confirmed earlier today that almost all of the members of the Union of Kernow States, including Crowlas, Lower Gwavas, Nanpean, Treneere, Germoe, Perranuthnoe, Crows an Wra, Tremethick Cross, and Tregavarah, intend to vote for Relubbus. The only notable exception is the People's Republic of Hayle (with which, of course, Relubbus is currently at war). The Relubbus camp are confident that the massive power of the Kernow bloc will comfortably outweigh the other voting blocs from Scandinavia, Eastern Europe, and the Balkans.

The world hunkers down in preparation to celebrate one of the greatest cultural events of the year in the Eurovision Song Contest. Nowhere is this feast of song more eagerly awaited than in Relubbus, which, because of its acknowledged deep reservoir of talent, is unique in being allowed three entries to the contest.

The Roundup has decided to take a peek behind the rehearsal curtains (at the Relubbus Scout Hut) and take a closer look at the three privileged acts, to whom falls the inestimable honour of representing Relubbus.

First up under the microscope is the undoubted shining talent of retired postman and musical maestro, Dickie Berhardinus Botheras (79). Dickie is a favourite amongst the glitterati of Relubbus high society and is a regular performer much in demand at the Relubbus Conservatoire.

Some might deem him an unusual highbrow choice for the more populist Eurovision contest, particularly as he will be offering no vocals at all. Instead he will rely on his faithful old saw and provide stirring music for the soul in another of his famous solo peformances.

Dickie is getting quite excited about his first Eurovision contest and has been receiving special attention for his bladder weakness so that he is not let down on the night. Nerves apart, he is confident of doing well and, clutching a brand-new saw from B&Q, declared "'S in the bag, boy!"

A surprise weapon in the Relubbus arsenal for this year's assault on the Eurovision is an entry from Denzil 'Alice' Liddicoat (51), the only male member of the Relubbus Lesbian Speed Crochet group.

Alice, as he likes to be known, is a fully qualified plasterer and decorator and is believed to be the only person in Relubbus to have taken the full three month yodelling course run by Dirk Bumgartner in Vaduz, Liechtenstein in preparation for the contest.

The authorities have given Alice their full backing by letting her off her Community Service sentence for long enough to attend the course. High Court Judge Lentil Tregenza commented "It will be good for Denzil and it will be good for Relubbus".

Music Aficionados believe that Alice's natural falsetto voice will set her up well for the yodelling song she intends to perform. An own composition, the song is entitled "Yodelaity" and contains a moving text, which tells the story of an unlikely but passionate love affair between a dubiosexual plasterer and Joanna Lumley.

Without doubt, the runaway leaders in the trio of Relubbus acts to take on Eurovision is the award-winning duo of Bert Clemo (39) on squeezebox and Dan Jago (62) on guitar.

After a lifetime of jamming in clubs all around Relubbus to the delight of their devoted following, the couple finally turned professional last autumn, both handing in their notice at the RC Oates Superstore in Relubbus, creating two vacancies in the fruit and veg section.

Since then, they have enjoyed phenomenal success, with each new record release going straight to the top of the singles charts. With a close eye to what has proved successful in Eurovision in the past, they have set their own new lyrics to the tune of "Going up Camborne 'Ill" in an attempt to win over the European public.

For those familiar with the tune, we provide the first verse of the lyrics so that you can sing along:

Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bummer Bim Bum
Bim Bom Bam Bim Bummer Bim Bum

In trials in Liechtenstein, the easy text of the song has been found to make it a great Euro singalong favourite and so the boys' hopes are high. You will soon have a chance to judge for yourself.

The night before the Eurovision, you will be able to hear the song on Simon Cowheel's "Relubbus Has Got Talent" Show, as the boys perform, accompanied by the Mousehole Nonagenarian Near-Nude Female Zimmer and Dance Troupe.
A SPECIAL WELCOME TO ALL OUR CURIOUS VISITORS FROM MAINLAND EUROPE!

Relubbus looks forward to welcoming you within its borders in the not too distant future.

Every visitor to Relubbus before the end of June will receive a free Cornish pasty !

The Roundup's articles over the past year will educate you about Relubbus and its glorious history. It has, for instance, a surviving colony from Roman times, which is still Latin-speaking! Just one of the many, many amazing facts about Relubbus, which has embassies all over Europe! Look here to find the Roundup's report on YOUR Embassy in Relubbus!