There is widespread alarm at the recent outbreak of hostilities between Piskies and Hobgoblins in Heamoor. Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Leader Billy Spargo (98) was quoted only last year as saying that the Pisky problem had been brought under control and that no one had anything to fear from the activities of the ‘little people’ again. Key to the achievement of this agreement was the GRUC undertaking that Goblins would not be allowed into Cornwall.
However, this has sadly proven not to be the case. Goblins have somehow found their way in. Rural dwellers in West Penwith have become all too aware of a steady increase in Goblin incursions in recent months. Their presence is betrayed by screechily high pitch curses in the dead of night, pilfering, attacks on pets, tampering with water and frequent bad smells. They have been drawn here by Cornwall’s mild climate and ancient traditions of faery lore. (Yes, that’s ‘faery’, not ‘fairy’, Nigel).
Native Piskies have been with us always. Some say that they were here before us and will be here after we have gone. They usually grow to a height of between 2ft 6 ins and 3 ft tall, although in the 16th century the noted giant Piskey, Taroveor Menheniot, grew to the great height of 4 ft 3 ins.
Piskey folk tend to keep themselves to themselves and do not take to mixing much with us humans. They can choose to be helpful to us, but just as often and easily, they can choose to caggle up our activities for pure mischief’s sake. When they do talk to us, it is always in the broadest St Buryan accent or in Kernewek.
Goblins, on the other hand, are not indigenous to Cornwall. They are bigger (growing to 4 ft 6 ins), look very ugly and have foul manners and habits. They are lazy, they steal, they get very high on dandelion juice, they delight in making bad smells (which is a form of making music for them), and they take enormous pleasure in disrupting human life.
They are competing with our native Piskies for territory.
Cambron Trembath, (52) the Chairman of the Relubbus Society for the Promotion of Responsible Interactions with Cornish Piskies (RSPRICK) said this could be just like the sad story of the squirrel. “Years ago, we used to ‘ave they neat little red squirrels ‘ere, till they bleddy American greys moved in!” He advocates strong action against Goblins to preserve the way of life of the Cornish Piskey.
On Saturday, at the Relubbus Central Square, just off Boswedden Lane, there will be a mass rally in support of our native Piskies and crowds of around 50,000 to 60,000 are expected to gather.
Billy Spargo is expected to address the crowds and, since he is no stranger to controversy, it is widely rumoured that he is prepared to authorise the release to the Piskies of tankerloads of "turnick an’ rhubarb juice". Innocuous to humans and Piskies alike, the mixture is deadly to Goblins. This radical measure will drive out the Goblins in hours.
Having heard of Spargo’s rumoured intentions, ‘English’ Gordon, the UK Prime Minister, speaking, bejacketed but tieless, from his holiday bunker in Suffolk declared that “the human rights issues in the matter needed to be ventilated”.
Spargo’s response? “If that asshole spent ten minutes in a room with a Goblin, he’d knaw it wadden't human and the room would need bleddy ventilatin!!”
ALARM AT PISKEY/GOBLIN PROBLEM IN WEST PENWITH
IT'S SUMMER TIME - VISIT CORNWALL FOR AN UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE
LOOK!! Just seven experiences for you in West Cornwall, which you will find nowhere else!!!!!
AZTECLAND at Carn Brea!!
The Aztecs had a fascinating civilisation, before it was well nigh obliterated by the dastardly cruel marauding Spaniards. Now YOU have the chance to sample something of the magnificent Aztec way of life by visiting AZTECLAND at Carn Brea.
Music and dance was hugely important for the Aztecs. Everyone took part in dances performed especially for the gods, including peasants, so we’ll be giving you a chance at that too.
An Aztec 'orchestra' was usually made of different types of rattles and different types of drums. Specific Aztec instruments were used for specific things. The trumpet sounded long, deep notes while the percussion created hypnotic rhythms. The big temple drums could be heard for several kilometers. Their wind instruments included pan pipes, whistles, and flutes. It was only the priests who had mastered the art of releasing trapped wind with such ferocity that the ‘blast’ could last for anything up to 4 minutes and blow everything out of its path!!
Picture on the left portrays happy visitor, who has learnt that she will be a "Priest for the Day".
The musical experience is a key part of the AZTECLAND experience. You will be allotted a place in a ‘real Aztec orchestra and, by the end of the day, you will be able to play your part in a full scale musical performance which takes place before the daily grand religious ceremony at sundown.
Religion was hugely important to the Aztecs, as was sacrifice. When you pay to enter Aztecland, you are given a numbered pebble. Depending upon the number on the pebble, you will then play the part of either a priest (5 are needed and they will have to pass the wind test)) or a sacrificial victim (500 are needed).
If chosen as a priest, you will be guided by our friendly Aztec helpers throughout the complicated business of mass execution. If you are selected as a sacrificial victim, our friendly helpers will give you handy hints (such as holding your breath) which will help you bear the excruciating pain of having your still-beating heart torn from your chest.
Your death experience will be recorded on DVD for your family’s benefit and that is all included in the unbelievably cheap price of only £134.99 plus VAT (family discounts available at only £135.99 plus VAT per person!!)
NANCLEDRA ADVANCED FLAGELLATION APPRECIATION SOCIETY (NAFAS)
This is a special opportunity available to the curious who would like to know a little more about flagellation, but are too shy to ask.
A 2 day course on “Carry your FLAGE with confidence” is available to true devotees of the gentle art.
Formula 1 Chief Execs are eligible for a discount, if they submit their applications to Helga in German! Others must pay the price - £75 per day.
Gulval Churchtown GIANT TORTOISE ‘Appreciation’ Society
You don’t need to be ashamed anymore. There are other people who get excited by this photo. In the Cricketer’s Arms at Gulval, you can relax over a beer – or two - and discuss your little weakness and then repair to a shed for a dreamily close encounter of a Giant Tortoise kind – all for a daily fee of just £245.99 plus VAT.
The Long Rock ‘NAME THAT SMELL’ Experience
Enrol for a five day course and emerge just 9 days later as a veritable expert in smells of every kind.
You will be tutored by Long Rock’s “Mr Smell” and winner of the 1973 Goldsithney Open Petard Competition, Matthew Trembath, pictured here helping to acquaint new course members with their own smell, using the renowned ‘sniff your armpit method’.
The "Name that Smell" experience costs an amazingly low £1.76 per day.
The Crows an Wra CREATIVE WRITING Holiday course
Led by extremely promising, but as yet sadly unpublished, author, Den Pender, this course will show you how to achieve fame and fortune as a writer.
It is unashamedly pricey – at £5,000 per day for 10 days – but you must ask yourself, whether you can really put a price on talent such as that of Shakespeare.
The answer is, of course, that you cannot and so you need to flock, with the other countless thousands, to Pender’s opulently appointed caravan for tuition.
GETTING CLOSER TO PIGS in Madron
A holiday is a time to discover your inner self. When you go looking, you never quite know 
what you will find. That is true of Wendy Angwin, who discovered that she has a “thing” with pigs.
There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Wendy now caters for the holidaying public. She has 6 shelters for pig-friendly folk, who would like to spend a night or more cuddling up toa pig.
You can select your own pig – she has two males and three females and a male pig of different orientation called Ben. Hourly sessions are available for as little as £55 Plus VAT. The ever popular 'All nighters' can be yours for as little as £798 plus VAT.
EXCREMENTAL PAINTING in Newlyn
You must remember that you will have to tell everyone that you heard it here first – 
Excremental Painting.
The surprising thing is that all the students seem to select the same subject (The Lady on the left)– it is as if there were no better subject for this manner of painting.
You can enrol now for a surprisingly low £5.65 per day (including two!! daily curries to generate the painting material) and Arsehole will share his secrets with you.
RELUBBUS REDEFINES BEAUTY
As we all know, Relubbus high society sets trends today which others in lesser places like London, Paris, New York and Hayle follow tomorrow.
The world of cosmetic surgery is just one more field in which bold moves taken in Relubbus will doubtless be aped elsewhere.
Leading Cosmetic Dentist, Billy “Clubfoot” Clemo (31, or so he maintains) from Rosudgeon has performed a ‘dental reconstruction’ on the ever-beautiful husky-voiced jazz singer from Tremethick Cross, Morwenna Zenna (36, 24, 36).
Clemo is a controversial character. His liberal use of immoderate and inappropriate language is upsetting for some who are not prepared to make allowances for his greatness. Furthermore, as can sometimes be the case with those touched by brilliance, Clemo is given to emotional outbursts of sometimes frightening proportions. However in Clemo’s case, the outbursts have more to do with his exasperation at his hearing problem than with brilliance.
Now completely deaf, he refuses to employ deaf aids and is a very poor lip reader. This is a potentially disastrous combination for occupants of the dentist’s chair. However, potential patients will take comfort from the fact that, following a series of complaints of "torture", patients are now issued with a "pain-button" which, when pressed, sets the surgery lights flashing and gives Clemo a mild electric shock to attract his attention.
The world has long had an obsession with certain ideals of beauty. However, we now live in an age where we can reconstruct ourselves to conform to such ideals. Of course, this has the unfortunate and deeply regrettable consequence that we might all end up looking like clones. Billy Clemo is one of the professionals who opposes such Hollywood conformity. He is devoting his cosmetic surgery skills to making people look different from one another.
Before the surgery, Morwenna Zenna gave us an interview in which she stated that she was delighted to be first amongst the Relubbus glitterati asked to become a pioneer for new attitudes towards beauty.
Morwenna has been a thinking man’s crumpet for some years, a pin-up in solicitors’ offices and doctors’ surgeries all over Relubbus. A picture of her has even been glimpsed on display in the sumptuous offices of Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) Chairman Billy Spargo (65).
Having set trends in jazz singing, she is now prepared to blaze a trail in new concepts of beauty. Billy Clemo is giving her teeth the new look of the 21st century, and then she moves on to Billy’s brother Zeke, a plastic surgeon operating in Prospidnick, who will complete the transformation in beauty.
We can now show below the brilliance of Clemo’s work. On the left, we have a picture of Morwenna’s teeth before the operation, clearly displaying those old outdated concepts of beauty. On the right we show a picture of Morwenna’s teeth after the operation, which fully displays the transformational nature of Clemo’s pioneering work.
BEFORE AFTER
Morwenna herself was unavailable for comment.
However, Billy was very chipper and talked of the operation as a great success, which will bring all the young beauties his way, clutching their £10,000 in order to have the same operation as Morwenna.
For the first five ladies who email us here at the Roundup, we will contribute a full £10 (for EACH of the five!) towards the dental cosmetic costs.
RELUBBUS OLYMPIC TEAM UP FOR MEDALS!!
By our special Chinese Sports Correspondent, Dung Xiao Fried Lice
Boswedden Lane is full of the talk of medal prospects, since one of the strongest ever Relubbus teams has been fielded in Peking (as Billy Spargo has ordered it to be named).
The strongest gold medal hope resides in Ned ‘Pasties ‘ Nudd (14) , who will be competing in the ‘Floating’ competition. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) admitted the Floating competition following a petition from the Small Nations of the World, who backed Relubbus to the hilt.
Competion rules are that one must have eaten 500 shop pasties (Eddy’s, Rowe’s, Warren’s or Philp’s only are admissible (Ginsters are banned!)) in the previous 48 hours, before one attempts to float for four hours is a swimming pool. As Ned normally eats 300 pasties a day, he (firmly supported -- not literally, of course -- by his Mum) says that he should ‘walk it’. Just to make sure, the picture we show is of Ned in training – after 400 pasties a day.
The ever popular girls’ relay drinking team, shown here with their trainer, Tommy Tregarthen after a heavy session at the Swordfish Inn in Newlyn, have stepped up their drinking to ensure victory in the Women's 18-24 Piss-Up Competition. The rules are simple – ‘down’ the most in rapid succession and stay standing – for, at least, 30 minutes. These dedicated young women – all from Tremethick Cross Young Women’s Drinking Club are, from the left, Lavinia Angove (21), Aggie Lanyon (23), Letitia ‘Scrubber’ Liddicoat (22) and Poppy Cock (19) . These young women carry Relubbus’s hopes for a second gold.
Relubbus also has great hopes on the track. Brenda Opie (84) is our big gold medal hope in the Over Eighties Incontinence 50 Mile Sprint. Brenda is shown here in the midst of her gruelling training for the race. It is not just a question of keeping going in a gruelling 50 mile sprint race. It is also a matter of keeping up a constant detectable fine spray during the whole proceedings. Brenda is the girl for this task.
Brenda’s chances in this competition have been nothing if not strengthened by her reputed association with Chinese President, Hu Jintao, (37) who is apparently ‘hopressry in rove’ with her. Hu confided to friends on the Central Committee “Wat dat girl can do wiv cigar is no one’s business!!”.
Relubbus’ medal hopes do not end there. Silver or bronze hopes are realistic prospects for Dougie Ladner in the 1950s Milk Drinking Competition. This calls for the ability to drink glasses of milk “in a style consistent with the manner, practice, dress and decorum of the 1950s”. Dougie is held to be a natural for this, as he is a freeze-dried 1950s person.
Another hot contender for a medal is the St Ives milkman, Dick Rosewarne (45), in the Llama Impersonation Competition. Dick is so good at this that even his wife and mother (absolutely NOT the same person, despite the fact that they have never been seen together) are unable to detect him in a herd of llamas when he is ‘doing his impersonation’.
Yet another Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the new ‘Unusual Foods Consumption’ competition, where Pascoe Polkinghorne (29) of Gurnards Head is believd to have a strong chance. He has been in the Far East engaged on an extended training programme, centred on eating rat (as shown in the attached photo).
The last Relubbus medals hope is to be found in the recently introduced “Name That Sex” competition. Contestants are merely required to confuse the judges as to their gender, during interview AND subsequent physical examination. The Relubbus entrant, Chris Pender (32) of Buryas Bridge, has managed to confound and confuse his/her own mother (Nigel) for the past 25 years and Nigel says that Chris should definitely get a medal, if not the gold. The excitement can hardly be contained.
Let us wait to see where Relubbus appears on the medals table!!!
PROTEST AT OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY
By Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner
Chinese Olympic officials were incensed today after their much-vaunted security system was breached by protesters for the third time in as many days. And this time, to their huge embarrassment, the protest took place at the Olympic opening ceremony itself, while the eyes of the world were turned on Beijing!
This time, the protesters were three members of the Perranaworthal Rock Interface Climbing and Caving Club (PRICCC). While leader Jez Trebilcock and his girlfriend "Bosoms" Bodinnar staged a diversionary sit-down protest on the forecourt of the "Bird's Nest" stadium, accomplice Buzz "The Fly" Jago swiftly scaled one of the huge street lights just outside the stadium.
Once aloft, "The Fly" unfurled a banner, which read: "ONE WORLD, ONE DREAM, FREE KERNOW". The first two phrases are the Olympic motto. The third is a reference to the struggle of the Cornish people to free themselves from the oppressive yoke of the English state.
As soon as the banner was unfurled, it was noticed by the crowd inside the stadium, creating great excitement. Soon attention had shifted from the Opening Ceremony to the lone protester.
While aloft, Buzz Jago gave an interview to a Canadian journalist which was broadcast around the world. In it, he said:
"The situation in Kernow is remarkably similar to that in Tibet. The distinctive cultures of both countries are being deliberately suppressed by a powerful neighbour. (If you doubt this in regard to Kernow, look no further than the actions of English Heritage.)
"In both Kernow and Tibet, the indigenous population is being turned into an underclass by means of state policies that encourage mass immigration and economic dependency."
Before being led away by Chinese security men, Mr Jago promised that more pro-freedom demonstrations, from both Kernewek and Tibetan activists, would follow.
PROFESSOR MADRON PENGELLY, PSYCHOTHERAPIST
CELEBRITY NEWS
Professor Madron Pengelly (29) is, in the opinion of his mother, the world’s greatest psychotherapist. He has, apparently, helped the disturbed minds of countless global glitterati who have flocked to his consulting rooms in his Granpa’s shed just off the Long Rock Industrial Estate.
A session with him reminds all classical scholars of the celebrated partnership between Plato and Socrates, for Professor Pengelly is always in the company of his adviser, Dan Jago.
Pictured here are, on the right, Professor Pengelly himself, and, on the left, his constant companion since the age of 15, the redoubtable Dan Jago.
Although they have animated conversations with one another, it is only ever Dan Jago who now speaks to third parties, including Professor Pengelly’s mother, Sandra (58).
Thus it was that our interview with the young genius was conducted entirely through the medium of Dan Jago, who had been given a good wash by Mrs Pengelly prior to our visit.
We asked whether Professor Pengelly was prepared to name any of the famous folk he is said, by his mother, to have helped. Dan Jago became very animated at this point and rounded on us declaring “We are neither able nor willing to breach patient confidentiality”.
Roundup reporters are nothing if not dogged and the reporter assigned to undertake this interview, Pender “Ferret” Treglown, was not prepared to be so easily discouraged. Negotiations commenced immediately and rapidly advanced to a point whereby Pengelly, according to Jago, was prepared, for a sum no less than £1.49 and no more than £1.51, to spill the beans on his two latest clients.
Neither of these two clients is in the category of international glitterati. In fact, they are both local girls. However, they have agreed, only after the offer of suitably attractive financial inducements, to give their accounts of psychotherapy with “Dan and Mad”.
Elspeth Behenna (21), of Kenidjack describes herself as a freelance corpse dresser. It is a lonely job, travelling from morgue to morgue, cleaning up the recently deceased to look their best for their beloved.
It is perhaps the solitary nature of her professional life that allowed her to slip into the aberration, which became her undoing, of eating (after frying in olive oil!) the left buttock of each of her clients. When she confessed this on a visit to Father Christmas at the R C Oates Superstore, it was his shocked reaction and refusal to give her a present that made her realise that something was wrong. She then approached “Dan and Mad” for help.
She stated that it was only a matter of seconds until Dan fully commanded her attention and until she was no longer conscious of the fact that Mad’s right hand disappeared into the sock that was Dan. She reported that every time that Dan spoke in his high-pitched squeaky voice with a pronounced Camborne accent, Mad’s left hand was covering his (Mad's) mouth.
With artful verbal proddings, Elspeth was soon made to feel the error of her ways and she is now over her little aberration. As she says herself “I do’n eat bum no more!!”
The next patient, Rosie Trembath (24) of Landewednack presented more of a challenge, as became apparent during the first of their 42 (so far) consultations.
Rosie, a self-employed market gardener, has, since the age of 14, had an itch problem ‘down below’, which can only be relieved by vigorous couplings. The frequency with which such relief had to be sought was beginning to get in the way of her day job and she realised that she had a problem. Thus she had recourse to “Dan and Mad”.
Professor Pengelly’s usual manner of procedure was interrupted right from the first consultation, when Rosie began to outline the nature of her complaint. The professor’s left hand slipped from his mouth and moved to his trouser pocket. Rosie then became the first patient to witness the professor’s mouth moving as Dan spoke, but she was distracted from this obvious observation by the strange, but mesmerisingly rhythmic movements in Professor Pengelly’s trousers as she told her tale.
Enervated by the whole experience, Rosie felt no further itches as long as she kept her regular appointments with the Professor, which she continues to do to this day.
Thus we have but two accounts of therapy with this unusual man. However, a reliable source , Mrs ‘Ollis, who does cleaning at nearby Morrisons, has seen several celebrities slipping in and out of the hut, including the Chancellor of Germany, Frau Merkel, His Holiness the Pope, Presidents Bush and Sarkozy, Mrs Cherie Blair and Basil Brush. We will be watching!
