Issue 8, 30th July 2007

SPARGO SAYS PAKISTAN EMBASSY "TOO BIG"
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Outspoken Councillor Billy Spargo has caused ripples within the Relubbus diplomatic community by stating that the Pakistani Embassy in Relubbus is too large and calling for the number of diplomats (believed to number around 1,000) to be greatly reduced.

The picture on the left shows the gates of the Pakistani Embassy compound in Boswedden Lane. Apparently a "garden party" is in progress, and many hundreds of people (if not over a thousand) can be seen having a good time.

Mrs Edith Tregarthen (67), who lives next door at No.8, said "They are nice people, but before it was an embassy there was only Mr and Mrs Liddicoat living there with their dog, and it was cramped then. Now I don’t know how many they got crammed in there but it can’t be right!"

Spargo, the "voice of the people", agrees and has asked for the number of staff at the Embassy to be cut down to 10 at most. Controversially, he has also asked for the three mosques that have been built in the compound to be removed. Extremist Methodist groups have been threatening to "take out" the mosques and Spargo’s requests for staff reductions and the removal of the mosques is seen as an attempt to lower the temperature amongst the more dangerously militant Methodist groupings.

Firebrand Reverend Ezekiel Polkinghorne from Tremethick Cross, known to be a leader of one of the more recklessly dangerous Methodist groupings -- the "Bible Bashers" -- has greeted Spargo’s words with grudging tight-lipped approval, stating merely "It’s a proper job", when asked for his opinion by one of our Reporters.
EXCLUSIVE: identity of royal conman revealed!
by Society Correspondent Rendall Janner

As previously revealed by the the Roundup, "Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall" is actually Lily Nichols, an ex bag-lady from Perranuthnoe, who has succeeded in convincing large sections of the English media that she is an aristocrat.

What has not been known, up to now, is the identity of her con-man partner, who claims to be the "Duke of Cornwall". The pair are shown left, at a charity ball in aid of homeless inebriates. We are assured that tickets for this function cost upwards of £700, and that (in tribute to the supposed beneficiaries of the event) the wine flowed freely, as evidenced by the "Duke"'s rosy nose! We understand that the organizers were so keen to have "royalty" present that they guaranteed Lily a 20% off-the-top rake off. (It's always good to see a local girl better herself. Ed)

The Roundup can now reveal that the "Duke" is actually Bert ("Len") Harvey from Towednack. Len attended the Humphry Davy Grammar School in Penzance, where he came to notice playing upper class twits in school drama productions. After school, Len furthered his acting career by joining the Cripples Ease' Players. His Bertie Wooster in the Cripples' 1964 production of P.G. Wodehouse's Joy in the Morning is still spoken of with awe by those fortunate enough to have witnessed it. Rarely can gormless vacuity have been portrayed so convincingly! The shuffling gait, the vacant grin, the strange, strangulated accent, the awkward hands and feet -- all were perfection. It is easy to see how Len's "Charles" became the perfect foil for Lily's "Camilla".

Len has Show Biz in his blood. He is a nephew of eccentric busker Dickie "Banjo" Trevains (shown left), who entertained generations of commuters at Penzance Railway station by singing, in his falsetto voice, the one song in his repertoire, the Spice Girls’ favourite, "Two become one".

Rest assured that the Roundup will bring you more news of Len and Lily's exploits as we get it.

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Mousehole Girls do us proud!
by Arts Correspondent Rendall Janner

Appearing in the hit musical, South Pacific, being staged at Tremethick Cross, are the following 6 local beauties -- all from the Mousehole vicinity.

From the left can be seen Prudence Pengilly (19) from Tregidden, Patience Daniel (21) from Noongallas, Cordelia Uren (20) from Tredenneck, Hester Lawry (18) from Penhorven, Ethel Nicholls (22) from Tregonwell and Ursula Barnicoat (21) from Rosemorran.

Although they are pictured here fully clothed, the production calls for the girls to perform their song and dance routines in the nude. Initially reluctant to do so, they have overcome their inhibitions for the sake of their art (and for the sake of the additional £5 per head donated by the show’s sponsor, Mr Quentin Bolitho).

This unusual feature of the production has caused it to be packed out night after night, playing to a capacity audience of 5 ever since it opened two days ago.

The musical’s controversial director, ex-Reverend Job Morris, commented "Artistes must be prepared to make small sacrifices for their art and I am pleased to be able to personally confirm that each of the girls has made that sacrifice."

Tickets for the production (at £1.50 each) are available from Friggens dairy and the Alexandra Road Tuck Shop in Penzance, from the Kwop in Newlyn, and from RC Oats’ Superstore in Relubbus.
PC Trembath in trouble again
by Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

PC "Strikey" Trembath has been in trouble yet again. Although his methods do not always conform to PACE guidelines, they are, he says, always successful.

"I get they buggers and keep bashin’ ‘em till they duh confess!", he said.

Pictured here on the left in happier times, PC Trembath has been accused of using unnecessary force to restrain a suspect.

"I seen this man with a smart car an’ I thought I’ll take ‘ee down a peg or two!"

Trembath approached the man, hit him,and, when the man tried to defend himself, screamed at him "Got you now, you bastard, for attacking a police officer!"

The suspect subjected to this unusual form of questioning was a holidaymaker, who was subsequently released after his claim to be the Chief Constable of West Yorkshire Constabulary turned out to be correct.
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UP CHAPEL
By our Religious Affairs Correspondent Ayatollah Osama Bin Trezidder

Another big turnout was registered for Archilaus Boswedden’s popular evening service at Kenidjack Lane Methodist Chapel.

Once again Archilaus (79) delivered his message in song, taking the trinity as his theme and modifying the Spice Girl’s song Two become One as the prime medium of delivery.

He was accompanied by his sister, Faith, on the banjo and bravely battled with his stammer to give an evening of unparalleled entertainment for four hours.

The battery of sound even succeeded in masking Archilaus’ unfortunate wind problem, although it could do nothing to reduce the impact of his body odour.

The evening was rounded off with a pasty supper, which was attended by the entire congregation of 14.
DOWN PENDRAWARTHA'S
By our Senior Citizen Correspondent Rendall Janner

The atmosphere at Pendrewartha’s Home for the Elderly was enlivened last week by a visit from doughty old amateur impressionist and mime artist, Jehosophat (Joe) Curnow of Praze-an-Beeble, pictured here on the left.

Joe, 85, did his famous routine "Guess ‘oo this is!", giving lively impressions of many folk now long dead -- to the clear delight of the least confused members of his audience. One inmate, Elspeth Kelynack, said "I duh nearly wet myself when ‘ee duh do they voices -- is jes like they people was ‘ere in the room! Course, they’re all passed away now..."

Joe surprised his audience with an unexpected new talent at the end of his performance, when he tried to do his "Chippendale routine". Joe’s performance was sadly interrupted when his colostomy bag ruptured and he had to be rushed to hospital.
OVER ‘ARRY’S
By Crime Correspondent Rendall Janner

‘Arry’s famous Port and Starboard fish and chip shop at Gurnard’s Head was the scene of some considerable disturbance over the past week, as the establishment has been picketed by ‘Arry’s common-law wife, Bessie Peninula (35), after a disagreement about Bessie’s steadfast refusal to wash.

Accompanied by a local vagrant, Ernie Trewerne (39), and also by her flatulent pet Rottweiler, "Scrapper", Bessie has been accosting every prospective fish and chip purchaser in an attempt to persuade them to take their custom elsewhere.

This "persuasion" has occasionally been too physically aggressive and police (PC Derek Borlase) were called to the scene on three separate occasions to rescue purchasers from the attentions of the desperate trio. One such victim, Ebenezer Clemo of Tregeagle Farm, had to be rushed to Treliske hospital after a good bashing, with Scrapper still firmly attached to his left calf. Victim and attacker were later separated in what Dr Robert Behenna (41) described "as a challenging operation".

Miss Peninula of Gweles Estate and Mr Trewerne of no fixed abode will appear before Relubbus magistrates next Monday.
IN SCHOOL
By Education Correspondent Rendall Janner

Cleared at last week’s magistrates’ court of "behaviour unbecoming a headmaster" and other related charges, James Bovenna (pictured below) led the school in a rousing performance of Cabaret, in which he took the part of Sally Bowles in a convincing role, despite the handicap of his weight (24 stone) and confinement to a wheelchair.

In the same production, precocious and surprisingly well-developed 12-year-old Zelda Pender managed to squeeze in four separate performances of her "dance of the seven veils", a routine that members of the Penzance Lodge of Freemasons will be well familiar with.

Trevor Bolitho, Chairman of Cornwall County Council’s Education Committee and a co-opted member of the Culture Committee of the Greater Relubbus Urban Council (GRUC) said that both Committees were not happy about the goings-on at the school and that Mr Bovenna was not "off the hook yet".

Zelda has undoubtedly brought much pleasure and many a happy smile to the Freemasons at Penzance. However, the Committee men are not happy about Mr Bovenna’s influence on some pupils at the school. Concern was greatest over his "Life skills" extra-curricular programme for senior girls, about which investigators have been able to discover very little.

Effusive Zelda (pictured left and unbelievably still only 12) is an ardent supporter of Mr Bovenna. "I aren’t very good at sums an’ writin’ an’ I was some thrilled when Sir said I ‘ad ‘idden talents, wot only needed to be brought on a bit -- so me an’ Susie Trewin stayed behind school for they special classes. I’s all done wonders fer me. I got one o’ they BWM cars now, which I can’t wait to learn to drive."

Mothers of both girls, who live next door to each other on the sprawling and infamous Carntreth Estate in Relubbus, are thrilled and totally supportive of Mr Bovenna. Said Mrs Pender, "I’m some glad that Zelda’s getting’ on at last. She duh ‘elp me out with fags now an again an you tell me ‘ow many other girls ’er age have got one o' they MBW cars?!"


ALL THIS WEEK AT THE RELUBBUS MULTIPLEX
THE LATEST BLOCKBUSTER!




SPARTACUS

starring KIRK DOUGLAS, LAURENCE OLIVIER, JEAN SIMMONS, and CHARLES LAUGHTON


1:30 p.m, 4:30 p.m., 7:30 p.m.







ROUNDUP VISITS INDIAN EMBASSY
by our Diplomatic Correspondent Rendall Janner

Continuing our journey amongst the huge diplomatic community in Relubbus, we had the pleasure of calling in at the Indian Embassy, which is in Boswedden Lane, on the opposite side of Mrs Tregarthen’s house to the Pakistani Embassy.

It is a great pleasure because, alone amongst all the 350 embassies in Relubbus, the Indian Embassy doubles up as a restaurant (curiously named "The Embassy") and takeaway, as well as a regular diplomatic establishment.

Pictured on the left is His Excellency Mr Thakurjeet Singh, his wife Preet, their two sons, Pavitar (with beard) and Lakhbir, and two daughters, Amrit (left) and Jasmindar.

The whole family is engaged in the restaurant business and it is going so well that they are thinking of opening up a Consulate (and takeaway) in Marazion.

Given the often frosty relations between Pakistan and India, Mr Singh diplomatically preferred not to comment on Councillor Spargo’s call for the Pakistani Embassy to be down-sized.

With many a side-to-side shake of the head, he stated "Ve are happy with GRUC decisions in all matters and are finding it absolutely tophole to be here in Relubbus. It is of inestimable value to India to have good relations vith Relubbus and ve are happy that Councillor Spargo is man ve can do business vith. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ve are also happy that many folk in Relubbus are people ve can do business vith. Takeaways are doing well, especially Saturdays and you can’t get in here then vithout booking!"

So, if you fancy a curry you can do no better than popping along to the Embassy!
POETRY CORNER
with Literary Correspondent Emily Bindweed

Many people have wondered from where the boy-prodigy poet, Philip Trudgeon, got his talent. The answer is quite clearly that it is his mother, Ariminta, who passed on the poetic gene to her lucky son.

Here, Ariminta, who is 28, publishes a poetic tour de force of her own, for the first time.

Ariminta is pictured on the left in a shot taken at the Helford passage, just after she has successfully landed a large fish.

Her moving piece is entitled Goin’ up Truro.




Goin' Up Truro

I dearly like to gwup Truro -- the shops there are some smart.
You got more choice than you got down ‘ere -- and they aren’t too busy neither.

I wen’ up there las’ week with Aggie Trewelah. You duh knaw she!
‘Er daughter was the one oo got pregnant at 13 by that butcher’s boy.

We ‘ad a nice cup tea in Marks, but you won’t bleeve wot appended nex’.
Aggie got her ‘eel caught in a gratin’ an’ it come off, so she ‘ad to buy emergency shoes.

Sum game that was! When we wuz goin roun’, we bumped into Kitty Polglaze, oo duh live at the end of the road.

She duh think she’s God’s gift, now er ‘usbant got a car with ‘is job. We shall never ‘ear the last ovun.

Well anyway, I never did manage to get the wool to match the cardigan I started las’ year fer Jimmy. The lady in the shop said she thought it wadden bein maneefactured no more.

So 4.30 pm, ‘ome again on the bus. Rainon all the way ‘ome. Never mind, is always nice to gwup Truro.
OO’s DEAD?
Our popular Obituaries section

Relubbus was suffused with grief last week by the wholly unexpected news that Miss Morwenna Pellow has sadly passed away.

Miss Pellow, plucked from our midst at the tender age of 94, will be sorely missed by the whole community. She is in the middle of the childhood picture on the left, between her two elder sisters, Zenobia and Loveday.

Derek Bolitho (84) and Clarence Penhaligon (78) were both "waiting on" Miss Pellow. However, this was all to no avail as the entire estate passes on to her two elder sisters, the Misses Pellow. Miss Pellow left £184,000.

IN THE NEXT BUMPER ISSUE

• EXCLUSIVE: SPARGO AND MADAME SARKOZY IN SECRET LOVE TRYST! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner tells all!

• EXCLUSIVE: US TO BECOME PART OF RELUBBUS! Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner with a scoop!

• DISTRAUGHT BEVERLEY: Social Affairs Correspondent Rendell Janner tells the moving story of one single mum's plight.
  

• My PROFESSOR'S A CHIMP! Arts Correspondent Rendell Janner reports on the furore at Relubbus Conservatoire.
  

• AMERICAN - CORNISH PHRASEBOOK: Linguistics Advisor Rendell Janner provides some helpful phrases.
  

• TREVASKIS TO LAUNCH HOSTILE TAKEOVER BID FOR TESCO: Business Correspondent Rendell Janner brings you the latest from the financial markets.

• A MAGICAL EVENING WITH MAHLER AND BOTHERAS: Music Correspondent Professor D. Behenna describes a virtuoso performance by the Relubbus Triangle and Kazoo quintet.
  

• Inside the Saudi Embassy in Relubbus: Diplomatic Correspondent Rendell Janner visits the Saudi Arabian representative in Relubbus.
  

• Another edition of our socially-responsible "Lonely Hearts" column.
  

• And much, much more!