MAVERICK TREGESEAL INVENTOR DOES IT AGAIN!

Eliza Polkinghorne (92), the maverick part-time inventor from Tregeseal, has pulled off yet another coup with her latest invention -- the Nuclear Hoover.

This amazing machine doesn't just 'suck up' the dust, it vaporises anything, or indeed anyone, you point it at.

Pictured here on the left, cackling contentedly next to her devilish invention, Eliza manages to stun the scientific world with her recognition and then mastery of laws of physics others have yet to grasp.

The beauty of the device is that it requires no external power source. It is started by hand cranking, which gives rise to subsequent accelerative processes, which swiftly result in beam temperatures of in excess of 3 million degrees Celsius -- hence the vaporisation of all in its path. As Eliza herself says, "You gotta wear gloves when you duh work the thing or you might do yourself sum 'arm!".

Another reason for wearing a stout pair of gloves is the reliance of the device on roughly four pounds of nuclear waste "per burn", as Eliza says, adding, "You dowanna get non' o' that stuff on your 'ands, but you 'ave got to pour un in and stir un up a bit. I duh always use marigolds! First time I used ov un, I didn' wear no gloves. I made pasties afterwards and they pasties was glowin'!"

The device is also quite light to push around, Eliza herself no longer being very strong and only having the one arm free because of her stick.

Although Eliza designed this "Hoover" as a housewives' help to get rid of stubborn dirt, its effectiveness in obliterating all in its path means that she is now besieged with approaches from armed forces from around the world, eager to add this "housewives help" to their arsenal. Its effectiveness in battle has already been conclusively tested by the Relubbus riot police in their engagement with rabble at the disputed Hayle border.

Ernie Upton O'Good, Defence Correspondent