OLYMPIC TORCH "LIBERATED" IN RELUBBUS

By Diplomatic and Sports Correspondent Rendell Janner

Huge anti-Chinese demonstrations greeted the arrival of the Olympic torch in Relubbus yesterday, during the Kernow stage of its progress around the world. The picture above shows the torch at the start of its journey down Boswedden Lane, guarded by a motor cycle escort, armed riot police, and a sinister gang of blue track-suited Chinese "torch minders".

Tens of people lined both sides of the street, with rival groups hurling vociferous abuse at each other.

A large posse of Chinese students, many of whom had apparently been "bussed in" from as far afield as Camborne Tech., cheered the torch on its way.

However, they were opposed by larger groups of exiles from the People's Republic of Hayle, protesting at the Chinese annexation of their country. The picture below shows one such group, who chanted "Save Hayle!" and "Free Hayle now!"

Since Chinese troops first marched into Hayle in 1950, replacing its elected government with a puppet regime run by Chinese officials, the world has, by and large, found it convenient to turn a blind eye. The Hayle spiritual leader, the fundamentalist Methodist Rev. Savonarola Polkinghorne, was forced to flee to Relubbus, where he set up a government-in-exile. Over the years, the Haylor community in Relubbus has been swelled by more and more refugees from the so-called "People's Republic".

At various points along the route, small groups of protesters attempted to seize the torch, but were easily -- and harshly -- beaten off by the torch minders. Despite the loud protestations of the Hayle exiles and their Relubbus allies, it looked as if the procession would pass off without serious inconvenience to the torch bearers.

However, as the procession reached the end of Boswedden Lane, from the track to Hard Struggle farm a herd of of some eighty to ninety Herefords suddenly appeared. Urged on by whoops and firecrackers, they charged wildly into the torch procession, scattering motor cyclists, police and torch minders in every direction.

It was at this moment that the experimental llama herd, mysteriously "appropriated" from the DEFRA research centre at Noongallas, charged from the opposite direction.

At the height of the chaos a small "hit squad" of seven or eight men, rumoured to be from Relubbus rugby club, "mauled" the torch away from its bearer and "rucked" it to waiting hands in the rear, who hastily carried it away. They then set about "liberating" the back-up torches.

Speaking afterwards, the Rev. Polkinghorne said: "Issa vict'ry fer bleddy democracy, 'ass wot a is! Nex' week, when they duh go t' Japan, the buggers ul 'ave uh nother bleddy torch, but ee won't be the real one, an' ee won't be one o' they 'backups', neither. The buggers ul 'ave tuh make a fake un!"