ZENNOR POLGLAZE INVENTS TIME CAMERA!

NANCLEDRA INVENTOR MAKES STARTLING BREAKTHROUGH

Zennor Polglaze (32) is a shy retiring young man who has only once previously and unintentionally stepped into the glaze of public view, when he was arrested 12 years ago for "irregularities" involving a hedgehog, which sadly did not survive the ordeal.

Putting this sorry incident behind him, "Prickles" Polglaze, as he later came to be known, moved on to become one of the greatest time theorists the world has ever known.

Pictured on the left, Prickles might seem to some to be an unprepossessing character, but behind those eyes lurks a brain that sees connections to which other mortals are blind.

In short, Prickles believes that every event that ever happened -- anywhere -- has been "recorded" by the environment in which it occurred.

"Fine", some people scoffed, "but show me your proof". It was then that Prickles began his work on the Chronocamera or time camera. This picks up images from the past.

Prickles' mother lives in a old fisherman's cottage in Newlyn. By leaving his camera on in his mother's front room, the following image materialised of a long-departed inhabitant of the cottage, now identified as one Tresco Botallack, who died in 1864 at the age of 35.

Scientists and historians alike are amazed at the astounding breakthrough that Prickles has made, and now Cornish linguists too are getting excited at the prospect of Prickles' next great step forward, which is to be the Chrono-video camera. This will be able to record events and conversations from the past, enabling linguists to hear spoken mother-tongue Cornish from 300 years ago for the first time.

Prickles has explained that his researches have cost him considerable sums of money and that he cannot conceive of releasing further photos and certainly not videos until he has received "a large sum" from the County Council. He is expecting a sum to be "the right side of £84 and no council tax for the rest of his life". Councillors are said to be considering the matter.

Cornish linguists are said to be "champing at the bit" to hear Cornish spoken by native speakers from years ago.
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Keep up with the internet!!

Are you living in the past? Do you think that those who talk of the Internet are specialist fishermen? Are "Facebook" and "Myspace" foreign terms to you?

If so, then come to the "Face of he Future" talks at the Young Methodist Women's meetings on Thursday nights at Parade Street Methodist Chapel, to listen to Gladys Polwhele, who styles herself as "one o' they internet gurus".

Gladys is, as pictured on the left at the Penzance switchboard, at the forefront of modern technology, and will explain all the intricacies of the modern computer world, starting with the telephone -- a truly marvellous device, which enables you, with the greatest of ease, to speak to people who are out of earshot -- or even further away.

Gladys is a daring damsel of the 21st century, who is fully at home with all these new-fangled devices. Having been "on the board" in Penzance for a good number of years, she even claims to have been able to listen into conversations between the one-time Premier, Harold Wilson, and his secretary -- some say paramour -- Lady Forkbender in the days when he spent his summers on the Scilly Islands.

Gladys -- who still works on the switchboard in Penzance, all by herself -- has nevertheless moved on to embrace the full palette of technological advances and is able to give enlightened tutorials on a range of complex subjects, including when to press button A or B in call boxes, and who and where the operator is in any West Cornish situation (always her, as she is the only operator in an otherwise fully automated exchange).

However, sensationally and latterly, she is also able to give guidance on matters such as the Internet "an all they gobbledegook subjecks".

If you are seeking technological enlightenment, come along to see Gladys Polwhele at Parade Street Methodist Church on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.00pm. Entrance £79, cash only.