A DOCTOR ADVISES...

The Relubbus Roundup is proud to be able to retain the services of Boswedden Lane Specialist, Dr Zennor Pengelly (67) of Rosudgeon, pictured below left, who is here to give you the benefit of his inestimable medical knowledge. Readers with any concerns about their own state of health or that of their loved ones should not hesitate to consult Dr Pengelly. The good doctor may be consulted either in Cornish, Cornish-English or in English.
Agnes Andrewartha (49) of Parc Wartha Estate, Penzance writes in: Dear Doc Pengelly, My 'usbant used they Veeagra tablets you sent we las' month fer £2,500. We 'ave used all but one of the 12 tablets and they ebbent 'elped 'im withis little problem, which duh remain as little as ever. We took the las' one down Peasgoods in the town and the chemist there said they was jes' Aspirin. I do bleeve you sent we the wrong bottle.

Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Agnes, I'm sum sorry bowt the mix up with they pills. 'Es my ansum, I do bleeve you're right and we can put that right dubble quick. Jes' put a cheque fer £3,000 in the post fer me and I'll send ee they pills.

Loveday Polkinghorne (21) of Treeve Farm, Hayle, writes in:

Dear Doc Pengelly, I am very worried. I came in to see you three months ago bowt my ingrown toenail and you saw me thirteen times with a different expert each time (though they all seemed to wear the same mac). Then you gibbed me that special lotion to wash my foot in and said it'd all be cleared up no problem in 8 weeks. Well, nuthin's changed and I kent afford no more lotion at £75 a litre

Doc Pengelly responds: Dear Loveday, well, my bird, You doan av tuh worry. I'll sort 'un out fer ee. Bucket a sea water is jest as good. Pop down to the bay, fill up the container from the sea and we wain't say numore about'n.

Captain Johnnie Rearguard-Action of Shag's Nest, Nanjizel writes in: Sir, I write on behalf of my gardener, Derek Tonkin, who came to your consulting rooms to seek help in respect of a nasty chest cold he had contracted, whilst doing some nude gardening with my wife last winter. Apparently you have prescribed him 40 Capstan Full strength . How could you be so irresponsible? Everyone knows that Craven A is recommended for people with sore throats.

Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, I take issue with you strongly on that point. There is no medical evidence whatsoever to suggest that there is any difference in smoking Capstan Full Strength, Craven A, or even Woodbines. What is required is that the respiratory system is suitably 'fumigated' throughout the day. Forty cigarettes daily should do the job nicely. However, for pregnant women, a minimum of sixty cigarettes a day is recommended. (Nursing mothers can receive the cigarettes on prescription.) I trust that you are not suggesting that your gardener contracted pregnancy during his nude gardening stint! I am content to remain with my original diagnosis in respect of Mr Tonkin.

Napoleon Bonaparte (Emperor of the French, King of Italy, etc, etc) of Les Invalides, Paris, writes in: Sir, you have l'honneur of receiving your second letter from me. In my first epistle, I offered you Sardinia in exchange for a effective means of combatting my receding hair. That was four weeks ago and I 'ave receive no reply! This does not make me 'appy. You 'ave two days before you receive visit from the Garde Imperiale.

Doc Pengelly responds: Sir, Having consulted your medical records, it appears that you have been in a state of confirmed death for the last 187 years. Most hair-loss remedies are known to be efficacious, if at all, only ante mortem and I know of none for which claims can be made post mortem. However, you may just try coating your head in fresh horse manure each night for fourteen days. This may well work. If I receive the keys for Sardinia in the post, I shall know that we have succeeded.